Even though Edgeworth is SOL when it comes to other defense attorneys, he tells Phoenix, “I don’t want you involved in this. You in particular I cannot ask to do this.” The screen shakes with emotion as he says this last part. Again with the mixed messages. Is Edgeworth dissing his courtroom abilities again? Or is this something deeper? As we’ll find out, Phoenix is not to be dissuaded so easily. He asks Edgeworth what the fuck happened to get him into this mess. Edgeworth wonders why he should bother explaining himself. “Duh! We’re going to help you, that’s what!” Maya yells in his face. The dialogue is kind of confusing here because Edgeworth is acting like this is the first time he’s heard this offer of help. Basically, the conversation around Phoenix’s sphincter badge was optional, so during this non-optional dialogue, the game pretends like that conversation never happened. Let’s just fanwank it that Edgeworth is so disturbed over the prospect of ending up in Pound Me in the Ass prison with a whole bunch of former defendants that his memory has become as shitty as Phoenix’s.
So Edgeworth takes yet another opportunity to insult Phoenix’s lawyering abilities. “Sure, you got lucky and won all three [trials]…But your luck’s bound to run out some day! You need real skill, Wright. Experience!” After this, Phoenix is struck dumb, mainly because of Edgeworth forcefully shouting about “getting lucky” and “needing skill and experience.” Phoenix is totally turned on by this. Maya has to get mad on his behalf, and wonders why Phoenix isn’t angrier over these insults. Because he’s trying to refrain from throwing himself at Edgeworth and licking the glass window. Jesus, Maya, pay attention!
Next, Phoenix tries to find out more about the crime, and Edgeworth confirms that the murder happened late last night at Gourd Lake. “The lake is a long way away from your offices and the court… Why were you down there?” Phoenix demands. I imagine he sounds a little bit jealous here, like maybe Gourd Lake is a well-known gay cruising spot. Edgeworth refuses to answer Phoenix’s probing questions, leading the ever oblivious Maya to wonder if he’s actually guilty. Well, it’s looking more and more like he’s guilty of something, if Phoenix’s reaction is anything to go by. Finally, Edgeworth claims he was at the lake to see Gourdy. I expect Phoenix to erupt in an angry snit over Edgeworth meeting some dude named Gourdy in the middle of the night, but it appears that, against all odds, Phoenix remembers that Gourdy is the name of the supposed lake monster. You could tell me that Edgeworth was at Gourd Lake sexing up a pair of female prostitutes and I wouldn’t be as surprised.
“Edgeworth… this is really hard for me to ask… But… you didn’t do it, right? Right?” Phoenix wonders, and I don’t know if he’s referring to the murder or the cruising here. Both possibilities are equally horrifying to Phoenix, I am sure. Edgeworth, as before, refuses to answer, except to tell Phoenix once again to stay away from this case. “B-but Nick is trying to help you!” Maya shrieks. “I know…! I know that!” Edgeworth ejaculates. “But I don’t want your help, okay?” Finally, he tells Phoenix and Maya once again to get the fuck away from him and this case, and flees the room, practically in tears. Something is clearly going on here, besides Edgeworth’s normal assholish behavior, and even Phoenix seems to be picking up on this. Like a lawyer dog with a bone, there’s no way he’s letting go now. To Gourd Lake!
The entrance to Gourd Lake consists of a drab brick wall surrounding a forest full of bare trees. A wide path cuts through the middle of the forest. It looks like just a still, empty scene to us, so thankfully Maya is there to describe the police officers bustling about, combing the woods for evidence and used condoms. Phoenix thinks they must be questioning people, as if cops in this game ever do that. Just then, Maya spots Detective Gumshoe. It’s not like anyone could miss him, the way he’s shouting and shaking the screen. “There’s enough of us here! Anyone found anything?” he yells to the offscreen officers. As expected, no one has found anything. This whips Gumshoe into a rage, since the trial is tomorrow. “There weren’t any clues…that’s why we arrested that attorney, Mr. Edgeworth!” some no-name responds. Let me repeat that: they arrested Edgeworth because they found no evidence. Any lawyer worth his salty chocolate balls would yell “Objection!” and sue the entire damn police department, but luckily for them, only Phoenix heard this.
The random no-name officer has the audacity to declare, in front of Gumshoe, that he thinks Edgeworth is the murderer. Uh-oh. Gumshoe practically rips the guy’s head off and pisses down his neck hole for slandering his beloved Mr. Edgeworth like that, but settles for telling the guy to make like a tree and get out of there. “Detective Gumshoe’s kinda scary today!” Maya comments. Hopefully Phoenix won’t let slip that he and Edgeworth are boning each other — he doesn’t want to become the second murder victim in Gourd Lake Park. When Gumshoe spots Phoenix, he shouts, “Hey, you’re that Harry guy! Harry Butz!” Ouch. Phoenix feels this is entirely unfair — Edgeworth introduced him to the wonderful world of waxing, after all. After correcting the (possibly intentionally) oblivious detective on the matter of his totally masculine name, Phoenix admits that he and Maya are at the park to investigate some shit. For once, Gumshoe falls all over himself to offer his help. This is a strange situation for Phoenix, who is accustomed to everyone being deliberately unhelpful. But then he realizes that Gumshoe just incorrectly assumed that Edgeworth asked Phoenix to defend him in court. Gumshoe has made an ass out of himself and Phoenix.
His dick. For Edgeworth.
Gumshoe’s face falls when Maya tells him they aren’t defending Edgeworth. Apparently he’s still unaware that Phoenix Wright is his rival in love and buttsex, or he wouldn’t be so eager for Phoenix to get close to his fuchsia-suited Adonis. Phoenix decides to take advantage of his helpfulness before Gumshoe figures out what’s going on. Gumshoe seems surprised that Phoenix doesn’t know the nitty-gritty details of the crime, as if Phoenix has ever been aware of anything. He even calls Phoenix “Mr. head-in-the-fluffy-pink-clouds Lawyer.” At least he can identify Phoenix’s favorite color. Sam believes — and I concur — that “fluffy pink clouds” must refer to Edgeworth’s lap. According to Gumshoe, the crime occurred at 12:15 AM. “There was a boat out on Gourd Lake. In that boat were two men. One of those men shot the other with a pistol,” he explains. Oh, so that’s what they’re calling it these days. But unlike most nights on Gourd Lake, this was an actual shot from an actual pistol. During this explanation, the shot of the foggy dickboat is displayed, as if Gumshoe himself was standing there watching it. Well, I guess I wouldn’t rule that out. The rest of the opening “movie” — the pistol shot and Edgeworth fondling the weapon — plays over the rest of the dialogue. Now I’m picturing Gumshoe with a high-powered video camera, filming all of this.
I wouldn’t consider Gourd Lake a family-friendly location.
“And…the shooter was Mr. Edgeworth?” Maya wonders. Jesus, Maya, whose side are you on? Edgeworth was arrested right away because some peeping tom witness (or witness, rather) called the cops. Gumshoe doesn’t elaborate on how the arrest went down — I wonder if there was a low speed rowboat chase at any point. Phoenix’s mind is now filled with images of Miles Edgeworth with his hands cuffed behind his back — he won’t be back with us for a while.
Maya and Gumshoe carry on the conversation in Phoenix’s mental absence. Missing the ten thousand neon signs that Gumshoe would never ever ever believe the worst of Edgeworth, Maya asks if he thinks his favorite prosecutor is guilty. “Absolutely not! It’s impossible! I don’t care if there’s a witness either! I don’t believe a lick of it!” Maya, too, gets caught up in his passionate declaration, “R-right! Who cares what the witness says!” Phoenix, whose ears perked up momentarily at the word “lick,” blue-fonts to himself that he cares. What if that witness saw Edgeworth having sex with a man that is not Phoenix? His life would be over!
“You really believe in him, don’t you, Detective?” Maya understates, like Gumshoe hasn’t been metaphorically (and otherwise) jackin’ it over Edgeworth since his very first appearance in the game. But Gumshoe is Edgeworth’s lone supporter on the force. “The police are pretty sure he’s the killer. Nobody’s even really taking this investigation that seriously,” Gumshoe practically sobs. In the real world and every single TV crime drama, arresting a high profile prosecutor for murder would involve a very reluctant higher-up in the police department making statements like “we have to do this by the book,” and telling his underlings they had better have buttloads of hard evidence if they want to take this guy down. In the back-asswards Anal Attorney universe, some random guy is all, “Yeah, that famous prosecutor guy totally did it” and all of law enforcement is convinced it’s a solid case. Even Gumshoe can’t believe that no one else in the department has Edgeworth’s back. Not only is he one of their own, but he’s just so dreamy.
Well, there’s a surprise.
Moving on to the next topic, Maya wonders if Edgeworth was telling the truth about no one wanting to defend him. Indeed he was, but Gumshoe’s reasoning is slightly different from Edgeworth’s. First of all, his “celebrity” status complicates things: “If you defended him and lost, your reputation’d be sure to suffer.” I think I know someone for whom that wouldn’t be an issue. This reason is just bullshit of course, since no defense attorney ever won a case before Phoenix came along. But the second reason is even dumber: “The case against him is…well, it’s pretty solid.” Oh right, that’s why they haven’t found any actual clues. “Hey! Pal! Don’t tell me you’re going to turn your back on him too!?” Gumshoe wildly punctuates. Well, I wouldn’t rule that out. Gumshoe reminds Phoenix of the whole Will Powers debacle where Edgeworth basically won the trial for him. Miraculously, Phoenix still remembers this, and is very aware of how much he owes Edgeworth. But, as he admits to Gumshoe, he already propositioned Edgeworth and was soundly rejected. “He really doesn’t want us to represent him. Especially not us, he said,” Phoenix sighs.
With some more wildly emotional screen shaking, Gumshoe says that’s just nonsensical bullshit. “You should have heard him talking about you after the Steel Samurai case! He kept saying ‘Wright, Wright, Wright’ over and over.” Gumshoe must have accidentally walked in on him and not realized what was going on. Phoenix realizes what this must mean: Edgeworth still has the hots for him, even after pushing him so cruelly away. Why then is he still trying to keep Phoenix at a distance? Gumshoe wonders the same thing, but without the realization that Phoenix and Edgeworth are butt buddies. This is all so complicated.
God damn, do I have to?
Finally Phoenix gets around to asking about the witness, like his mind isn’t still elsewhere at this point. Even though Gumshoe told him everything else he knows about the freaking case, the witness information is supposedly “confidential.” This shit is so arbitrary. Gumshoe only says that the witness “saw everything” and Phoenix will find out who “they” are at the trial tomorrow. All Phoenix can think is that he hopes this mystery witness didn’t see everything. By which I mean Edgeworth’s penis. Phoenix wonders if there was just the one witness. Gumshoe confirms this — the wiener-shrinking cold drove the usual park visitors away, not to mention it was Christmas Eve. “Still, we’re being thorough,” Gumshoe says in direct contradiction to his earlier statements, adding that they’re trying to dig up more witnesses. At least ones that are willing to admit they were in the park in the middle of the night.
Maya, as usual, fixates on something mostly unrelated. “It’s Christmas today! I’d forgotten,” she says, making it obvious that this game did not originally take place in the U.S. No American teenager is going to forget about presents and shit. Now she suddenly wants to know what Phoenix got her, like he’s had time to go shopping for a teenage girl when his heart has been broken into a thousand tiny pieces. Now that all the dialogue choices have been exhausted and the conversation has devolved into Phoenix and Maya bantering, an offscreen police officer “appears” on cue and informs Gumshoe that he’s needed at an “investigation briefing” back at the station. I imagine that such a briefing would take all of five minutes, if that.
Before Gumshoe takes off, he helpfully offers to answer any more questions that Phoenix has, but then I get only two dialogue options. Shit, I wanted to make Phoenix ask if Gumshoe has ever seen Edgeworth naked. Anyway, Phoenix tries to ask about the victim, but Gumshoe has no information or an autopsy report yet, so that was a waste of my time. Gumshoe invites Phoenix to come visit him at the precinct so they can “talk more.” I’m not sure, but I think Gumshoe might have just hit on Phoenix. He even draws Phoenix a map so he can find the station — are you really surprised Phoenix doesn’t know where the police station is? Before he leaves for real, Gumshoe gives Phoenix permission to investigate the park to his heart’s content, but what are the chances that he will discover anything when the crack police force came up empty?
Phoenix is glad to move away from the drab dead trees and mustard yellow brick wall. First stop, Gourd Lake Public Beach. It’s no gay disco or Redd White’s office, but there is still scenery to describe. This is our first daytime view of the lake, and all we can really see of it is a strip of grayish white in the middle of the screen. I don’t think it’s actually frozen since there was a boat floating on it the night before, so I call bullshit on everyone’s bitching about how frigid it is. I live in Minnesota, which, for those of you unfamiliar with U.S. geography, can best be described by the phrase “colder than a motherfuck.” This is some of the shit that happens in a Minnesota winter. Not this pansy-ass non-snowy, non-freezing stuff. Then again, everything is cold to Phoenix compared to the warmth of Edgeworth’s firm embrace. And ass.