Edgeworth’s explanation comes in the form of another fucking testimony from Oldbag. Yet a-fucking-gain, she reminds us that Hammer kicked the bucket at 2:30 PM. And the only person she saw pass by was Will Powers — this assertion is accompanied by THE PHOTO, which we already established may or may not be Will Powers. Jesus. Oldbag claims she would have seen anyone else who passed by. Okay, I get that the game has to keep giving me these shitty testimonies so that Phoenix can rip them apart and look like a strong brute attorney, but I have to think that the writers could have at least provided witnesses that didn’t make Edgeworth look like an incompetent dipshit for putting them on the stand. I know that this is probably another case of what I said earlier — in order to make Phoenix, King of the Tards, look like a brilliant defense attorney, everyone else has to be an even bigger tard. And I’m the biggest tard of all for recapping this all a second time. What was I thinking?
I might as well get on with this fucking cross-examination. Phoenix actually asks a somewhat intelligent question — could the killer have entered the studio before Oldbag got to her station? I say “somewhat” because I think we’ve already covered this — I could just be remembering my last recapping attempt, though. Whatever the case, Oldbag insists that no one could have passed by the booth because the people already at the studios were all in the Employee Area, and the main gate was locked so no one else could get in. Apparently, no human could have scaled the gate, either — no one says this, but I feel I need to point it out anyway. The photo that illustrates Oldbag’s testimony is the lovely “Would you like to suck on my t-bone, Powers?” one with Oldbag and Penny sharing lunch with the two action heroes. Again, there is no sign of the ponytailed individual from the death photo.
I’m sure Edgey-boy lets him have it on a regular basis.
Fuck this. I can feel my lifespan shortening by the second, so I’ll spare myself (and you) by skipping ahead to Phoenix’s big reveal. Sadly, this is not anywhere near as interesting as the image that sentence brought to your minds. I’m sure you all remember that THE PHOTO, taken at 2 PM, was actually Photo #2 for that day. “Objection!” Phoenix screams, holding up THE PHOTO. “Look at this photograph one more time,” he says, which is the last thing I want to do right now, and also very unnecessary. Phoenix proceeds to raise my blood pressure by describing the workings of the fucking security camera YET AGAIN. I am not kidding. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, and I’m not, but holy crap.
I’m sure there’s some fanart where this is true.
About thirty text boxes later, Phoenix finally gets to the God damn point and asks what happened to Photo #1. This causes the court to erupt in shocked mutters. “Please tell the court what you mean by this, Mr. Wright!” the Judge orders, causing me to wonder if it’s even possible to explain this concept in simpler terms. With his bedroom eyes on, Phoenix says that this evidence demonstrates that two people went to the studio. It would be totally hilarious if Photo #1 was just a test shot, or if a damn squirrel triggered the camera. Of course, true to Phoenix’s habit of missing the fucking point, he doesn’t ask about the contents of the photo — he just wants everyone to know that Oldbag was the one who erased it. Plus, no one calls Phoenix on snooping around the private computer in order to find out that Photo #1 was erased in the first place. I know this game has no evidence rules, but it still seems like that should be illegal, or at least mentioned by someone.
Well, Phoenix is all about heads and holes.
The game takes entirely too long to find out about the contents of Photo #1, due to a combination of Phoenix not asking the correct questions and the Judge not bothering to stop Oldbag from rambling about a dozen pointless excuses. Finally, she begs Edgeworth to help her out of this web of lies. “B-believe me, I want to, but I don’t know what this means either.” He’s a genius!
When Oldbag loses some of her disturbing lust for Edgeworth and calls him a “whippersnapper” her memory is suddenly triggered. Wait, so she wasn’t just making shit up about not remembering? She really didn’t remember the contents of the second photo from the day of the murder? Where’s a mistrial when you need one? The Judge decides to take a guess about what Oldbag knows. “Someone else passed by the gate… someone other than the Steel Samurai?” he tries. NO! It looks like we have two geniuses in the courtroom!
It’s apparently out of the question to ask a straightforward question such as “Well, who was it?” That means it’s time for another of Oldbag’s testimonies. I can only imagine the rewards I will reap in the afterlife for the suffering I’m enduring on earth. Oldbag testifies that she has one other duty in addition to sitting on her ass all day. Namely, she has to check the security camera photos. This seems kind of silly since we’ve already established that people have to walk by her to get to the camera in the first place — wouldn’t she know who was on camera? While perusing the photos, she erases any that aren’t “suspicious lookin'”. I wonder what fits that criteria. Conveniently, she now remembers that she deleted a photo. Conveniently for Phoenix, that is. After the testimony, Edgeworth is already in his unlubed buttsex pose. “This is the first I’ve heard of this!” he bitches. Okay, Edgeworth had to know in advance that this dumb old broad was the world’s most unreliable witness — two seconds talking to her would make that obvious. He decided to put her on the stand anyway, so he had to fucking know that there was a possibility of her screwing him over. Sorry for that imagery.
Maybe we can find out about the contents of the photo now. I hope that’s not too much to ask, since that was supposed to be the point of the testimony in the first place. Just as an extra kick in my tiny nuts, Oldbag announces that she never bothers to back up the data on the computer even though she’s been told to a number of times. It would be kind of ironically funny if the pain weren’t so fresh. Finally, Phoenix gets to the meat of the issue, as he is wont to do — who was in the erased photo? I’m going to take this moment to be proud of Phoenix for asking a question that is actually pertinent, rather than asking something like “What kind of application do you use to view the photos?”
‘Hand or blow?’
Anyway, Oldbag responds that the person in the photo was “a fanboy.” She imbues this word with all the scorn it deserves. Phoenix doesn’t understand the concept of “fanboy,” even though he’s a fan of a certain boy (or man, rather). “Steel Samurai fanboys. Real freaks if you ask me,” Oldbag sort-of clarifies. This is obviously a way for the game designers to obliquely insult their target audience, and given some of the frighteningly obtuse Phoenix Wright fanboys I’ve encountered on the internet, I can’t say it’s undeserved. I mean, these people think Phoenix and Edgeworth are into chicks! Women! Vaginas! Delusional people like these should not be allowed outside of a padded cell, much less given internet access.
The Steel Samurai fanboys, Oldbag says, manage to find out information about the rehearsals and then sneak into the studio. Of course, all of you will recall just how many of Oldbag’s testimonies were dedicated to explaining how no one could get into the studios. Since this claim was obviously a lie, that opens up a whole new set of possibilities to investigate. This also drives home once again that everything up to this point was a total waste of my time. For a second time, Phoenix is surprisingly competent, calling Oldbag on this very contradiction. Since the game designers haven’t stopped hating me in the last thirty seconds, Oldbag has an explanation for this, too. The location where the fanboys are able to penetrate the perimeter and enter the studios (sorry) is the Employee Area drain. You know, the very hole that only a kid can fit through and that I said Phoenix and Maya should have investigated more thoroughly? Yeah, that one. I would also like to state for the record that when I refer to Phoenix and Maya investigating a hole, I am not in any way condoning the interpretation that the aforementioned Phoenix Wright fanboys would prefer. Gross.
Oldbag describes her old-fashioned version of gaydar.
The Employee Area is shown on screen as Oldbag unnecessarily narrates the exact details of the drain hole. This causes Phoenix to get all sweaty over the idea of squeezing into a tight hole. “I told you they were freaks,” Oldbag sneers homophobically. Also, as we’ve already determined at least twice, the only people who can — excuse the expression — enter the hole are kids. Or petite women and dwarves, presumably, but no one brings up that possibility. But that doesn’t matter anyway, since the person captured in the photo was a 2nd or 3rd grade child. To this game’s credit, no one is all, “But a chyyyyyyyyyyyyyuld can’t possibly commit a muuuuuuuuuuuuuuurdererrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!” It appears that the characters read the news every so often — I’m amazed. Edgeworth still doesn’t think it’s possible for this kid to be the murderer, but for a different reason — namely, that the Samurai Spear is too heavy for an underage boy to lift. I am glad that this is true, although I don’t want to know how Edgeworth knows this. This might be a good time for someone to mention that the spear was broken — wouldn’t that make it easier to lift? Apparently, Oldbag’s duct tape job was perfect, since no one brings this up.
Against a backdrop of evil organ music, Maya expresses the opinion that the young fanboy is still a murder suspect. Phoenix agrees: “Yeah, and they’re already trying to ‘un-suspect’ him.” You just know he’s already thinking of a way to punish Edgeworth for that. With this new information in play, the Judge declares a recess so that the prosecution and defense can process it. Of course, by making the recess only five minutes long, it’s sadly apparent that the prosecution and defense won’t be able to engage in their preferred method of information processing. It doesn’t really give them enough time to do any real information processing either, so I’m not sure what they’re supposed to accomplish here.
Back in the Defendant Lobby, Will Powers and his thick patch of chest hair limp over to Phoenix. “Mr. WP?” Phoenix addresses him oddly. “Tell me straight: were you really in your dressing room? You didn’t go to the studio?” Not only did Phoenix already ask him this — repeatedly, if I recall — I’m not sure why Phoenix thinks this lace handkerchief-using, spear-wielding bear is able to do anything “straight.” Will Powers finally spills the beans, admitting that it was him in the Steel Samurai suit, and he was the one who spear-thrusted Jack Hammer to death. Case closed! Yes, I’m totally lying — dogs know that Will Powers sticks to his story. This makes Maya wonder who was the Steel Samurai in THE PHOTO. Will Powers also has no clue — he claims that the costume was in his dressing room and anyone could have stolen it. “What!? You should take better care of that stuff!” Maya screams, like the fate of the costume is the big issue here.
It’s called eBay.
Phoenix admits to Will that he has almost no chance of winning the case, and Will had better learn to hold onto his soap. “You’re the only likely suspect right now,” he adds. In the game’s court system, this is enough to sentence someone to death. While some actual time to re-investigate would be nice, that’s not going to happen either. Phoenix’s only chance is to stall for time and try to pin the crime on someone else, whether or not they are the actual culprit. “And it’ll take them so long to shoot us down that we can get another day!” Maya declares. None of this makes any sense — if there is someone who could conceivably have done this, and if it’s so easy to point this person out in court on the fly, then it seems like they should get another day right off the bat, if not a dismissal of the charges. I know, I know — I shouldn’t keep trying to find logic in this game. Phoenix’s plan is not without its risks — if Phoenix chooses the wrong person to accuse of murder, he might lose the entire case. He’s not at all hopeful that he’ll be able to pull off this daring ploy, and he doesn’t bother to hide his doubts from his client. I don’t know why Will hasn’t killed himself by this point.
And with that extremely short scene, it’s time for court again. Is this almost over? From what I remember, it seems like this should almost be over. This might be just wishful thinking on my part. The Judge asks for Edgeworth’s thoughts on this new information. “The prosecution’s thoughts are simple,” Edgeworth states the obvious — we all know what he’s thinking about. “Nothing has changed.” The latest suspect is a 10-year-old who could not go around poking grown men with a spear. Also, although Will Powers may not appear in THE PHOTO, he’s still the only one who could have possibly killed Jack Hammer, according to Edgeworth. Except that if it isn’t him in THE PHOTO, then he couldn’t have possibly killed Jack Hammer. This fucking game.
‘It is, after all, not a nude photo of Phoenix Wright.’
Now Phoenix has a chance to share his “thoughts.” “The defense disagrees with the prosecution’s claim,” he states, his eyes conveying to Edgeworth just how physically he will be demonstrating his disagreement later. “There IS another person who could have committed this crime!” Once again, the game designers warn me, via the Judge, that choosing the wrong person will end the game lose the case. “Be aware that this court does not look kindly on accusing the innocent,” the Judge hilariously says. I guess it’s only okay if the prosecution does it.
Luckily for Phoenix, the question is multiple choice and the options are Penny Nichols, the unnamed fanboy, and Oldbag. While it would be hilarious to make the wrong choice just to see how Edgeworth responds, I’ve already been through too much while recapping this game and I want to get it over with as soon as possible (while still providing you with the high quality recaps you deserve!). So I choose the correct person, which in this case is Oldbag. Happily, Oldbag is the person toward whom I have the most ill will at the moment, so at least I can enjoy wrongfully accusing her. After displaying his Pointy Pose, Phoenix provides us with the reasoning behind his very thoughtful choice. My momentary happiness fades when that bane of my existence, THE FUCKING PHOTO, is displayed on the screen for the trillionth time. Since the person in the costume is dragging his — or her — leg, it has to be someone who knew about the injury, such as Oldbag. The court and the background music MIDI machine go wild over this accusation.