But I’m not the only one in horrible pain over this. When Edgeworth makes the simple request for Oldbag to state her name, she suddenly acquires some horrible clown makeup of blue eyeshadow and rouge, and bats her eyes at the fuchsia-clad prosecutor, completely smitten. That’s futile on so many levels. “My, aren’t you a handsome fellow!” she squeals. “I’m afraid I’m a bit flustered!” A sound similar to a gunshot accompanies Edgeworth’s immediate “EW GROSS GIRLS” face. Edgeworth makes his request again, only his years of practice allowing him to suppress his gag reflex, to which Oldbag responds, “Just call me ‘grandma’.” Ew ew ew. “YOUR NAME, PLEASE!” Edgeworth shrieks at her, hunched over in his “Phoenix forgot lube” angry position.

Phoenix is clearly enjoying Edgeworth’s discomfort. Sure, he’s the jealous type normally, but even Phoenix isn’t threatened by this old harpy. When Oldbag finally states her actual name, she launches into one of her trademark ramblings until Edgeworth screams “Objection!” at her. “Objection sustained!” the Judge agrees. And when the Judge thinks you’re a senile old chatterbox, that really says something.

Oldbag’s first testimony, titled “Witness’s Account,” obviously consists of more stuff we already know. But if I have to sit through this repeatedly, so do you. Oldbag got to the guard station at 1 PM because she had some “errands” before then. She was there until 5 PM. At 2 PM, Will Powers walked past her, heading to the studio.

So that was the easy part. Now it’s time for Phoenix to cross-examine her. I’m sure he’s looking forward to that even less than I am. Phoenix isn’t exactly on the top of my list right now, since he was pretty much responsible for the game asking me if I wanted to hear Gumshoe repeat his testimony. So I force him to press Oldbag on every minute point. First, we establish that no random person could have possibly snuck in before Oldbag got to the gate, since it was locked and an employee cardkey was required for entry. If Phoenix had any intelligence, he might follow up with a question regarding any employees who may have entered at this time. Obviously, this doesn’t happen — instead, he internally summarizes this as “(So, what she’s saying is no one who wasn’t supposed to be there could get in.)” Well, technically he’s correct, but come on.

When Oldbag refers to “Hammer and the rest” doing a run-through, again, Phoenix doesn’t ask her why she’s referring to two people as “the rest.” Instead, he asks her to explain the concept of a run-through. Do I have to do all the thinking around here? The rehearsal, as we all know very well by now, was supposed to take place at 5 PM. Therefore, Phoenix thinks to himself that Will Powers was sleeping in his dressing room when he was supposed to be practicing. Just as before, he sounds all offended and judgmental about this, too, like it should matter to him that Will is a fucking lazyass. Shouldn’t he be glad about that and what it means for his case?

Continuing on, Phoenix wonders rather forcefully what kind of “errands” Oldbag was running that kept her from her post. He should know better than to wonder about that, because everyone and their dog knows that it can’t be anything good. Indeed, we flash back to the man-on-man stick fight scene with Oldbag standing in the background, her knees pressed together like she’s doing the pee-pee dance. Yup, Oldbag likes to watch. Gross as that mental image is, I can’t really judge her for enjoying two dudes together.

Phoenix wonders how Oldbag knew about the exact time of the murder, as if anyone in the entire universe doesn’t know about it at this point. “That over-dressed young detective” was responsible for leaking that bit of information. That’s a really odd way to describe Gumshoe. Unless by “over-dressed” she means that he was wearing clothes and she wanted him to be…okay, not going there. I’m sure someone already has that pairing covered. Oldbag thinks Gumshoe is a shit detective since all it takes is a few donuts to make him spill his guts. Sam really wasn’t kidding about Gumshoe being everyone’s punching bag. I’m surprised he hasn’t swallowed his gun by now.

This time, when Oldbag announces that she saw Will Powers, Phoenix announces that he’s going to “pull out [his] secret weapon.” Is that really appropriate in front of the whole courtroom? That should be private business between him and Mr. Edgeworth.

The secret weapon, naturally, refers to THE PHOTO, as if anything about that fucking thing could be called secret at this point. So Phoenix presents what the Court Record refers to as “Powers’s(?) Photo”. I have to admit that I don’t have the same dramatic flair as Phoenix. If it were me presenting the stupid photo, I would most likely hold it up in a sarcastic manner while rolling my eyes and saying something like, “Are you fucking kidding me? You mean this picture where you CAN’T SEE WHO’S INSIDE THE FUCKING COSTUME?” But Phoenix manages to do a serious Pointy Pose with one of the porno themes thrumming along in the background.

Even the Judge, the Judge, for fuck’s sake, knows that something is fishy with this photo as proof of identity. Oldbag, continuing her stint as Biggest Retard in the Courtroom, is all, “Yeah, that’s Powers. DUH.” Edgeworth freaks when he sees THE PHOTO, as if this is the first time he’s laid eyes on it, although he makes a feeble attempt to agree with Oldbag’s assessment. How is it possible that Edgeworth, the biggest prosecuting prodigy ever (at least for this game) has not seen the God damn photo? His whole freaking case is riding on the thing. I know that I’m just setting myself up for irritation by expecting any sort of logic or sense in this game, but this is still seriously stretching credibility here.

Phoenix is all, “Just because the guy plays the Steel Samurai doesn’t actually make him the Steel Samurai.” I probably would have put it more like “It could be anyone in that fucking costume.” But again, what do I know about the law? Also, I feel like I’m typing the word “fucking” a lot. I’ve reached the point where it’s the only word that can really convey my rage.

At this point, if there were any justice in the world, this whole case would be thrown out of court. But Oldbag suddenly insists that she can prove it’s Will Powers in THE PHOTO. Phoenix and Edgeworth simultaneously display their “Oh Shit” faces (not to be confused with simultaneously displaying their “O” faces, which happens quite often). It seems to surprise Phoenix that Edgeworth was not aware of this piece of evidence, as if Edgeworth has been so on the ball up to this point (not to be confused with “on the balls” which also happens quite often).

Well, I’m dying to find out what Oldbag knows. Apparently, she already knew, thanks to Gumshoe, that THE PHOTO was a worthless piece of shit. There are a number of things that don’t make sense here. If both Gumshoe and Oldbag already knew the photo was useless, then why didn’t they fill Edgeworth in on that bit of info? And why didn’t Edgeworth look at the photo in the first place? It seems that anything involving THE PHOTO could have been skipped, saving not only these fictional characters a lot of time, but saving me both time and this raging headache as well. Fuck this game.

Yay, it’s time for another testimony. During the run-through, Will Powers broke a prop and sprained his ankle. I’d like to point out that once again, I am treated to the spread-legged man battle image. I think by this point, I’ve actually seen this picture more times than THE PHOTO, as counterintuitive as that seems. Speaking of which, in THE PHOTO, the person in the costume is dragging his leg, so the only explanation is that it must be Will Powers in the samurai suit. No other human being could possibly drag his (or her) leg! Phoenix doesn’t pick up on this obvious problem with the testimony. Instead, he muses, “(She’s got to be hiding something… I’ll press her until she squeals.)” It’s bad enough when I have to deal with Phoenix being a brainless idiot — there’s really no need to subject me to disturbing mental imagery as well, game designers. But we’ve already covered the futility of expecting mercy from the game designers almost as many times as the characters have described the details of this case. Time to move on.

During cross-examination, Phoenix determines that Oldbag was present to ogle the spear-thrusting practice, but Penny Nichols was somewhere else. I think I would be too, if Oldbag were standing around creaming her shorts. On a similarly disturbing note, Oldbag testifies that she made Powers’s ankle better by kissing it. That is gross on so many levels. Even the Judge stammers, “L-let’s just skip over that part, shall we?” His sprite looks like he’s trying not to hurl. For a second time, Phoenix determines that Penny Nichols was not around and thus could not possibly know about the sprained ankle because no one talks to anyone about anything ever.

The broken prop turns out to be the Samurai Spear. Phoenix freaks out via internal monologue: “(His Samurai Spear…the murder weapon!?)” No, that’s the other Samurai Spear. Jesus, Phoenix. Also, I don’t know why he’s so disturbed by this news. From the little thumbnail image of the spear, it looks like the pointy end still works well enough to stab someone in the chest — it’s not like this really changes anything. Maybe it’s just the idea of a broken “spear” — I don’t think any man could be blamed for freaking out over that concept. Oldbag duct-taped the bejeezus out of the Samurai Spear, making it long and impressive again. Phoenix thinks that all this spear-breakage stuff is “a significant detail.” Again, I’m not sure how, but I’m confident we’ll find out later, because this game is so good about keeping track of information.

When Oldbag re-testifies, “Apparently, he sprained his ankle pretty bad,” Phoenix replies with “Hold it! Was Mr. Power’s [sic] ankle badly sprained?” I’m sitting here cringing over this demonstration of stupidity and I’m not even sleeping with the guy (obviously). I can only imagine how mortified Edgeworth must be — he’s supposed to be the genius prosecutor after all. He can’t be seen with a moron like Phoenix. Then again, Phoenix’s lack of attention to the testimony may be due to Edgeworth making secret sexy tongue gestures at him across the courtroom. If the game doesn’t show me what Edgeworth is doing, I can make up whatever I want.

Anyway, continuing on. The ankle was badly sprained enough for a pronounced limp, but not so bad that he couldn’t walk at all. Speaking of his sprained ankle, am I the only one who thinks it’s odd that Will didn’t bother to mention his painful injury at any point? I know it would have prevented this big “reveal” but it seems like something that would have been mentioned.

At the end of the cross-examination, Edgeworth slams his hand on the desk in that commanding way that turns Phoenix’s knees to jelly, and announces that they’ve heard enough. But there’s something the Judge is still wondering about. Yes, that sentence implies that the Judge has working brain activity — I’m just as surprised as you are. He wants to know what happened to the Steel Samurai costume — or, more accurately, the “Steel Samurai” costume. Edgeworth is all “…shit.” He has no freaking idea. I mean, if he didn’t even bother to examine THE PHOTO at any point, there’s no reason he would do something as advanced as find out what happened to an item in THE PHOTO. Feeling very small and limp, Edgeworth admits to the court that the whereabouts of the costume are currently unknown. “We’re looking, though,” he adds lamely, trying to recover some of his manliness in front of Phoenix.

Edgeworth brushes past the Judge’s concern, claiming the costume is unimportant. All that matters, he says, is that the Steel Samurai costume was captured on film — in THE PHOTO, for those of you having trouble keeping up. “And it is clear that the person in the Steel Samurai suit was Mr. Will Powers!” If Phoenix weren’t so flummoxed by his own retardation combined with Edgeworth’s infuriatingly sexy smirk, he would laugh this assertion right out of court. Obviously that doesn’t happen. The Sexy Smirk also works its magic on the senile Judge, who agrees with the hard nature of this evidence.

The music has turned sinister, and Phoenix plasters on his Serious Face for the occasion. I now have the option to have Phoenix object or sit back and watch Edgeworth act sexy some more. While he’d rather do the latter, I’m going to force him to do his damn job for once. Slamming his hands on the desk, Phoenix shrieks, “Hold it right there!” Edgeworth is no stranger to this statement from Phoenix, I’m sure.

Phoenix dramatically declares that THE PHOTO only shows the Steel Samurai, and there’s no proof that the man in the costume is Will Powers. I love how he says this like it’s some huge revelation when not only is it fucking obvious, but he’s not saying anything new. “The defense has a point,” the Judge decides. Good lord. “I also wonder if someone else not caught on camera could have killed Mr. Hammer,” he adds. This is, to my surprise, a valid question. But Edgeworth has an explanation for this as well, complete with more Sexy Smirking and finger wagging. Phoenix is drooling like Pavlov’s dog right about now.