When Phoenix questions Oldbag about Penny’s claim…well, this is going to come as a surprise to all of you, but he manages to once again cover information we already know! In red font, no less! Just to make sure we get it! So if I repeatedly recap my irritation over repetitive plot dialogue, does that make me as bad as the game designers? I guess it kind of does, but at least you don’t have to pay to read this shit.
Oldbag practically gives herself an aneurysm over the implication that her earlier statement was mistaken. Her eyes even go corpse-white and she chomps her teeth — it’s fucking scary. I imagine Phoenix is hiding behind Maya right about now. After another diatribe, Oldbag runs off screaming, giving our heroes the very convenient opportunity to examine the guard station. The obvious item of note is the computer and Phoenix wonders if he should try to tinker with it to see the photo. I kid you not, the game even gives me a choice here. Just to be an asshole, I choose to leave it the hell alone, which deeply disappoints Maya. At this point, I’m fairly sure that I could run around to every location, exhausting every possible option, and the game would not let me progress until I examined the computer. So what kind of sense does it make to even give me a damn choice here?
Do not take this sentence the wrong way.
Obviously, Phoenix turns right around and examines the stupid computer. Although in later games, Phoenix makes it perfectly clear that he’s technologically inept, the game designers hadn’t yet invented that character trait in the first game. So Phoenix knows just what to do to get the information he needs. While he types shit into the computer, he makes sure to narrate the process — again using red-fonted information we already fucking know. Then I have to choose the correct security camera number from a list of three possibilities. Are you fucking kidding me? The game designers put in ten thousand pieces of redundant information, and then they quiz me on something obscure like this? Naturally, the camera was the one thing I didn’t examine on that screen, so it’s time to point and laugh at me for being a dumbass.
I take a random guess and of course get it wrong, but there are only three possible options and it’s not like I’m penalized for choosing the wrong one. So fuck it — I’m going to guess until I get the correct one. This is so inane. The middle option triggers a printout and the ominous driving porno music, so I assume I was successful. At last I get to see the infamous photo, the one that will prove without a doubt that Will Powers murdered Jack Hammer. With trepidation, Phoenix examines the photo…
Yeah. To put it mildly, this isn’t exactly the case-cracker that Oldbag thinks it is. While I suppose I should be happy that Phoenix isn’t going to totally get fucked into the ground by Edgeworth…let me rephrase that, because that would definitely make me happy. Anyway, while I suppose I should be happy that Phoenix has a chance in hell of winning this case, I’m mostly annoyed that I had to read through a bazillion screens of text about this image, and it was pretty much for nothing. See, the person in the photo is wearing the Steel Samurai costume, which not only covers the entire body, but the head and face as well. Unless Will Powers is the only human being in existence who can don that costume, it could really be anyone in there. Well, within reason, I know — I doubt it’s, say, petite Penny, but you get the idea. Even Maya, upon viewing the photo, is all, “You can’t fucking tell that’s Will Powers.” Phoenix kind of tries to defend Oldbag’s mistake for some reason — I’m going to fanwank this into an attempt to make it seem like his sexy prosecutor boyfriend isn’t totally screwed (in the bad way). “I don’t imagine the detective was very happy with this photo as evidence,” Maya comments, despite Gumshoe’s earlier jizzfest over the supposed hard evidence. Also, I’d like to add that the game designers already blew their wad regarding the shock value of this photo, since Gumshoe already mentioned that it contains the Steel Samurai. Anyone who was paying attention could have seen this coming.
Maya, who must have learned from her sister that evidence can be examined from multiple sides, looks at the back of the photo. Phoenix reads aloud: “[Oct. 15, 2:00 PM, Photo #2].” Shockingly, Phoenix realizes that there may just be another photo from that day. Reasoning skills? From Phoenix Wright? This is truly a fine moment for him. But Maya finds no other photo in the computer. If they had all the information up front, then they couldn’t have those sexy turnabout court battles, after all.
“Hey hey, Nick!” Maya chirps, as the music returns to normal. “Can’t we use this photo as evidence for the trial?” Well, duh, they got it by illegally searching a computer, of course it’s valid evidence. It seems like Maya wants to confront Oldbag with the evidence right that second (despite her previous mention of using it in the trial) but Phoenix stops her. In another surprising moment of insight, he tells Maya, “It’s never a good idea to reveal your hand to the enemy too soon.” Of course he’s all talk — there’s a certain enemy to whom he’s all about revealing body parts.
With the non-incriminating photo in their possession, Phoenix and Maya decide they don’t need to investigate any further. “Still, it’d be better if we had some idea who the real killer was!” Phoenix tards, like someone is holding a gun to his head and preventing him from trying to find said killer at this point. But a strong, thoroughly investigated case would prevent Phoenix from dramatically stumbling upon the truth in court. And then there would be no sexual tension with Edgeworth that would result in frantic groping in the supply closet. So forget I said anything.
The game naturally cuts right to the trial, leaving us to fill in the blanks as to what Phoenix did between the afternoon of the 16th and the morning of the 18th. Like it’s a mystery. Also, does that mean that Phoenix had another full day to investigate this shit? Why did he blow it off? I guess that last sentence is the answer as well as the question. The judge and his fuchsia tie address the very packed courtroom. Actually the courtroom looks about as packed as usual due to the lazy graphics, but I’m just trying to make the non-buttsex stuff in the game more exciting.
Speaking of exciting and buttsex stuff, Phoenix and Edgeworth are once again facing each other in court, and my acute eye for sprite body language tells me that when they both announce they are “ready,” they’re not referring to this trial. Edgeworth’s perfectly-styled hair shows no signs of Phoenix’s fingers desperately tangled in it, and his neatly-tied cravat shows no signs of being thrown in a heap on the floor of Phoenix’s bedroom. But Phoenix remembers last night. Great, now he’ll never be able to concentrate on the case!
I suppose I should get to the actual boring plot crap. Fine. Edgeworth lays out the details of the case which we’ve heard a billion times by this point, but it’s much sexier when he says it. Then things take a turn for the less sexy when Edgeworth calls Dick Gumshoe to the stand. “Detective, if you would briefly describe this case to the court?” Edgeworth prods, provoking yet another explanation of shit we already know. But this explanation involves the map! This means I get to describe, in writing, the visual demonstration.
“To understand the case, it’s important to grasp the layout of the studios, see?” Gumshoe begins. As Gumshoe points out the different areas of the map, the screen helpfully displays photos of the actual locations that Phoenix visited earlier. To prevent my brain from breaking, let’s just assume that Gumshoe has a fancy computerized slideshow full of scene photos. He starts with the Employee Area where the actors rehearsed their homoerotic action scene. He proceeds to the Main Gate, complete with Oldbag standing right in the center of the image. But wait, she’s blinking! So this can’t be a photo, unless we’ve suddenly ended up in the world of Harry Potter. So is Gumshoe showing a video? I am confused. Anyway, he notes that the security lady was at the Main Gate at 1:00 PM.
After that, there’s a refreshingly quick shot of the gate with the security camera, and then Studio One. You would think that Gumshoe’s slideshow/video/whatever would contain photos of the actual body at the scene. But no, it’s just the same view that Phoenix and Maya saw with the chalk outline. I know, I know, the game designers were just too lazy to make multiple versions of the locations as seen by different characters, but me trying to fanwank this into some semblance of sense is my way of proving how completely nonsensical and stupid it is.
“Now, on the day of the murder, October 15, there were only three people here,” Gumshoe points out.
For those of you who follow the front page blog, you’ll probably remember my angry, suicidal post about my own stupidity in losing the original version of the recap. Well, from this exact point onward, everything is a rewrite. I shouldn’t have to tell you how much of a hair-ripping, DS-throwing pain it was to recap this trial the first time, so you can only imagine how profoundly unhappy I am at the prospect of going through it again. I feel the sort of dread reserved for Edgeworth accidentally stumbling into a titty bar. I will not come out of this without some major mental scars, but hopefully I can provide some entertainment for you along the way.
With that out of the way, let’s get on with this fucking trainwreck, shall we? The three people that Gumshoe is referring to are Jack Hammer, Will Powers, and Penny Nichols. I feel exceedingly lame typing those names out all in a row like that. “All the production staff were in the Employee Area until noon,” Gumshoe continues. By “all the production staff” he surely means…I don’t know, since he just said that there were only three people there. Maybe Gumshoe knows something we don’t. I crack myself up sometimes.
After the tasty t-bone lunch, Jack Hammer went to Studio One. At 1 PM, Oldbag arrived at her station. At 5PM, “the production staff” headed over to Studio One for a rehearsal and found the corpse of Jack Hammer. Now there’s another black and white shot that makes no sense for Gumshoe to have, the same one we saw earlier of the deceased Jack Hammer with a new orifice in the pectoral area of his costume. There are two people standing over him, as I mentioned the last time we saw this scene. I think the one on the left is Oldbag — it looks like her unflattering security uniform. They didn’t bother to put her head in the frame — thank goodness for small favors. The other person, the one with the ponytail, has a rolled up magazine or somesuch in his/her back pocket. It’s safe to say that the rolled-up item is most likely gay porn, but the person is someone we definitely haven’t met yet. So contrary to what we’ve already been told, there was someone else there that day. I’m sure that won’t be important or anything.
Back to shit we already know because we’ve heard it a million times already. Jack Hammer died at 2:30 PM. The Samurai Spear was the phallic murder weapon. The sun is hot. Water is wet. “That’s the case, in brief,” Gumshoe finishes. I get that the Judge needed this entire sequence of events spelled out to him since he doesn’t know this shit, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still be angry about having to wade through all of that yet again. I haven’t even played this game or worked on this damn recap for months after I lost my first draft, and I could still tell you all the details of this case without needing to be reminded. Now I’m just sad. I just turned 32 years old (in the alternate universe where I’m not a 12-year-old gay British homo with a tiny wingwang) and there’s a portion of my brain that will probably hold “Jack Hammer died from a spear thrust at 2:30 PM and his body was discovered at 5 PM. Oh, and the security camera on the gate takes a photo every time someone passes through!” until the day I die.
Then something horribly insulting happens. Gumshoe asks if everyone understood his explanation, or if he needs to repeat it for those who may be mentally impaired. This is a fair question, considering his audience. Still, I’m a little bit offended that the game actually offers me the option of reading all that again. Really, game? Do you think that little of me?
I imagine myself punching Phoenix in the nuts (sorry, Edgeworth) as I choose the “No Fucking Way” option. “(I think I can probably remember that…)” Phoenix internally tards, tapping his finger against his chin, probably imagining Edgeworth’s balls there instead.
“So the murder weapon was a ‘spear’?” the Judge wonders, as I wonder at the purpose of the quotes. But then I remember that in the universe of this game, the word “spear” usually doesn’t refer to an actual spear. In other words, the Judge thinks Jack Hammer was murdered with some guy’s schlong. A thumbnail image of the spear appears in the upper left, so I imagine that this is Edgeworth brandishing the mighty weapon to show that, contrary to what common sense would dictate, the spear is an actual spear in this instance. “How…medieval!” the Judge responds. Wow, that’s a big word for him!
The Samurai Spear is officially entered into the Court Record at this point. Now my sick brain is imagining how they would handle the situation where the murder weapon was some guy’s schlong. Would they have to put it in an evidence bag? Would the prosecution and defense both have to examine it in detail? Would the prosecution and defense become jealous over the other examining it in detail? So many questions, all of them much more interesting (though disturbing) than this lameass dipshittery I have to recap.
Speaking of which, Edgeworth sums up his case with one question: “What did the security lady at the guard station see?” Supposedly, the answer to this question is the real case-cracker. And with that segue, Edgeworth calls Oldbag to the stand. Poor Gumshoe — Edgeworth didn’t even give enough of a shit to officially dismiss him from the stand. Gumshoe will be crying into his pillow tonight. And I don’t mean as a result of painful buttsex. Anyway, I’m not going to bother playing dumb right now — Oldbag is the only witness I will be dealing with in this recap. That’s right — apart from Gumshoe’s exposition-fest, it’s just hour after hour (in courtroom time) of Phoenix cross-examining Oldbag. I think that really drives home how painful it is for me to re-recap this.