The first stop: Global Studios Main Gate. I may be mistaken due to the perspective of the scene, but the gate in the background looks to be about chest high and not very daunting at all. There’s a guard booth with a computer on the left and a white van on the right. Only the side windows prevent it from being a serial killer van. None of this is very interesting, at least not in comparison to things like Redd White’s office, but Maya can barely contain her excitement over being in the very place they film her favorite TV show. “Aren’t you excited!?” she deliriously squeals to Phoenix. Maya, do you see any naked prosecutors in the vicinity?
Before Maya can work herself up any further, a scary old lady pops up in front of them. She has gray hair in one of those old lady fros, but she tries to retain some semblance of attractiveness with her bright red barrettes and lipstick. Clearly she is unsuccessful, and not just because she’s in a game full of gay dudes. She’s also wearing a generic blue security uniform, giving us a major clue as to her occupation. Also, she tells Maya and Phoenix that she’s the security guard. I’m glad she was up front like that, since poor Phoenix needs all the help he can get.
I don’t think Phoenix will take her up on that offer.
To remind us that she is old and dried up, the game designers named her Oldbag. We never get an exact age for her, but it’s likely that she’s about 30. In video games, there are two types of security guards: humorously incompetent ones who couldn’t secure anything if their lives depended on it and angry assholes who do everything in their power to make the main characters jump through hoops in order to gain access. Oldbag leans toward the latter, but is no stranger to the former.
Accusing the guy in the pink tie and the girl in the lavender kimono of being “gawkers,” Oldbag decides they have as much business at Global Studios as April May has in Phoenix’s bedroom. She proceeds to blab nonstop over several screens of text about the worthlessness of today’s youth. Maya has a moment of crisis over possibly ending up like this bitter old hag someday, and she begs Phoenix for reassurance. True to his tactless nature, he’s just all, “Yeah, you might.” He’d much rather be doing something other than discussing the ways of women, after all.
As much as Phoenix rips on Maya for being more interested in sightseeing than in the case, the first thing he asks Oldbag about is Global Studios. The only relevant piece of information here is that the victim, Jack Hammer, was a big star ten years ago, before the studios went to shit, according to Oldbag. “He’s been reduced to playing villains now. Not exactly the best material to work with…” she comments. I’m not an expert on children’s TV shows in any way, so I don’t know whether or not the main villain is such a crap role in the real world. In the Phoenix Wright universe, playing the Evil Magistrate is apparently the most degrading thing ever.
Continuing down the list of conversational options in order, Phoenix asks about his client, Will Powers. With a snide grin, Oldbag starts right off dissing his ugly appearance, as if she’s some sort of beauty queen herself. Then she follows this with actual case-related information. In this respect, she’s much like Phoenix — talking about the fashion and appearance stuff first. I’m sure Phoenix would be highly offended to see a comparison between him and this shriveled old hag.
Next, the conversation “naturally” segues to the victim, Jack Hammer. And if Phoenix thought Oldbag had a lot to say on other subjects, he’s in for a shock. Unbeknownst to him, he just triggered the ultimate in old lady creamfests just by mentioning the guy’s name. To boil it down to a readable length: Jack Hammer was a man-god. Thanks to a mysterious accident five years ago — which I’m sure will have nothing to do with the present case — he went from famous action hero heartthrob to a nobody in a sweaty, smelly villain suit.
Yeah, that 80s headband makes him look like a real hottie.
Phoenix exhausts the final option on the conversational list by asking why Oldbag is so convinced that Will Powers jammed his spear into Hammer’s sweet man flesh. During her shift from 1PM to 5PM on the day of the murder, she sat in the guard station, jacking it (no pun intended) to Hammer porn. According to her, the murderer would have had to walk past her to get to the studio. Naturally, the only person she saw between 1PM and 2:30PM was Will Powers. Phoenix mentions his client’s supposed alibi, but Oldbag scoffs, “Oh, I’m sure he would say that. He’s no fool!” So she thinks he’s some criminal genius for lying about an alibi, but at the same time, he was dumb enough to stroll past the guard station on his way to commit the murder. Phoenix doesn’t point out this inconsistency in her opinion because it’s been too long since he’s been in the presence of any men and he’s starting to get irritable.
His shitty mood isn’t lessened any by Oldbag’s refusal to let them investigate the studio without a “letter of request.” If I’m recalling correctly, this isn’t the only time the game requires Phoenix to get one of these in order to access a crime scene. I guess Phoenix skipped that particular class on basic protocol in law school, too. It’s his own God damn fault that he has to ride public transportation back to the detention center to get the very official letter from Will. Accompanied by a depressing MIDI tune, Phoenix takes this opportunity to grill his client about his lame alibi. Will insists he’s not lying, making this into a “he said, she said” situation. “Just now you said that you were sleeping in your dressing room after lunch,” Phoenix reminds him. This is total bullcrap — Will said that the last time Phoenix talked to him. Obviously Phoenix blocked the studio visit out of his mind, as it only involved the company of women.
I do not want to think about what those quotes imply.
Anyway, Phoenix wonders how Will could have been asleep in his dressing room if Oldbag saw him walking past her station. “She says she saw you heading towards the scene of the crime!” Phoenix shrieks as the screen flashes with extreme emotion. Will’s all “Fuck if I know,” but Phoenix isn’t willing to let this go. He’s all but convinced that Will is lying through his teeth, and lectures the guy on the importance of telling the truth. I’m confused here. Even though Phoenix has no interest in obtaining buttsex from this guy, there’s still no reason for him to take the side of that completely icky old witch. What is going on here? Finally, Will puts a rest to Phoenix’s doubts by swearing on his mother’s grave, causing Phoenix to basically wonder if Oldbag was hallucinating.
Well, it’s not like Phoenix will figure out this conundrum before tomorrow’s trial, so he delicately tries to bring up his real reason for returning — the psychotic security lady and her silly rules. “She’s terrible! She called me ‘suspicious lookin”!” Maya screams, her cheeks all puffed up in rage. Will commiserates with Maya, admitting that Oldbag has insulted his looks many a time. But when it comes to Jack Hammer and the “studio bigwigs,” she turns into a total sycophant. Now that we have all been thoroughly informed that Oldbag is a gigantic bitch, Phoenix finally gets around to asking for his stupid letter of request. And you wonder why these recaps are fifty pages long.
After all that, it only takes a split second for Will to write up a letter, somehow slip it to Phoenix through the glass, and for Phoenix to slide it into his Court Record. In case you haven’t noticed, this game likes to make Phoenix travel all over creation, which is really fun for the player. Phoenix is more than anxious to get away from Oldbag, so as soon as he’s back at the Main Gate, he thrusts his letter into her hands like she’s a hot dude. In just a few screens of dialog, Oldbag manages to insult Phoenix, Maya, and their client, while simultaneously informing them that they can only investigate the studio (to the left) and not the Employee Area (to the right). “‘No one allowed inside, pal’ were my instructions,” she states with a smug grin. “Pal”? Phoenix has a distinct sinking sensation in his stomach. Is he going to have to listen to Dick Gumshoe fawn all over his boyfriend now?
While Phoenix tries to quell his jealousy, Maya sneaks over to the guard station and steals a 50 cent map of the studios. I guess Will wasn’t able to include a map of the studio when he drew his map to the studio. The main gate is at the top, with Studios One and Two located to the left and the Employee Area located to the right, just like Oldbag said. But I’m confused, because if the approach to the main gate is from the top, like it looks from the map, then the Employee Area is to the left and the studios are to the right. I just noticed a contradiction! If I were in the Phoenix Wright courtroom, I would totally have the disco porn playing right now. And my boobs would be hanging out, to the absolute non-delight of the gay prosecutor.
Of course, none of that matters anyway. It’s time to explore the studio! Well, sort of. The next screen is actually the Studio One Entrance, a large arched gate with a welcome banner and a conspicuous security camera. Sure, there are times when video cameras are fun, Phoenix knows, but definitely not now. He is so ready for this day to be over. In the distance where the path splits is a large, decapitated statue with its freakishly grinning head lying nearby. The thing has kind of a Mr. Mime-ish quality to it, making it fit in perfectly with this game. A fallen tree blocks the path to the left, leading to Studio Two.
Suddenly, Gumshoe pops up right in Phoenix’s face, screaming, “Aren’t you that murderer from the other day!” Botched punctuation aside, Phoenix has to wonder if Gumshoe is really that stupid, or if he’s just being a dick — no pun intended — because Phoenix is boning his beloved Mr. Edgeworth. Maya thinks it’s the stupid option, although she’s politically correct and calls him “confused.” Not that he’s confused about his feelings for Edgeworth, as his next angry statement proves. “Hey pal, you know Prosecutor Edgeworth is all upset, and it’s your fault!” Wait, how did Gumshoe know that Phoenix bought the wrong kind of wine last night? Has Edgeworth been bitching about him to the detective? Lame! “I saw him sipping tea and staring gloomily out the window!” Gumshoe continues, adding one more unnecessary bit of evidence to the “Edgeworth is gay” argument. Phoenix inwardly sighs, wishing he could wipe that gloomy expression off of Edgeworth’s face. With buttsex.
While Phoenix tries to play it cool, Maya goes all angry pufferfish on Gumshoe, blaming his shitty detective skills for making Edgeworth sad. The girl knows just how to hit Gumshoe where it counts. A sad face and several text boxes of ellipses later, Gumshoe disappears. I imagine he ran off, sobbing. Although Maya feels bad for making a grown man cry, Phoenix bitchily points out that Gumshoe is a big crybaby anyway so who cares. He’s obviously gloating over his extreme manliness in comparison to Gumshoe, and how it’s totally going to get him laid tonight. Gumshoe reappears on the screen — maybe I was wrong about the running off, but certainly not about the sobbing — admitting that he knows he sucks and not in a good way.
But what if he likes to take it hard?
After some cheering up and banter that doesn’t have anything to do with homosexual sex (so I’m not recapping it), the music switches to the investigative porno theme and Phoenix now has the chance to get Gumshoe’s perspective on the case. At first, Gumshoe tries to be all tight-lipped about the investigation, but Phoenix manages to open him up a bit by asking for the autopsy report. “The latest version, if you please…” he can’t help but snark. Oh, how Edgeworth paid for that little trick on his office couch later. The boring autopsy report tells us nothing we didn’t know already about the time of death (2:30 PM) or the cause of death (long, hard spear). Gumshoe also reiterates what we already knew about the reason for Will Powers’s arrest — he was the only one who went to Studio One between 1:00 PM (when Jack Hammer entered, alive) and 2:30 PM. Just for good measure, Gumshoe states again that there was no one else in the studio, and no one else went to the studio. He is very, very sure about this, so there’s no way he can be wrong.
But we know that Will Powers didn’t do it, because that would mean that Phoenix was defending a guilty client, and that’s just ludicrous!
I’m pretty sure Edgeworth would mind.
The next item on the list of discussion topics is Wendy Oldbag — yes, that’s her first name — whom Gumshoe describes as a “sweet old lady” and “a charmer.” She started kissing his ass as soon as he flashed his badge at her. “Remember what Powers said. She’s a sucker for authority,” Maya reminds us. And Phoenix has no God damn authority. Gumshoe once again gets so caught up in his own good fortune that he lets slip that Oldbag gave him some “valuable evidence.” Not hard evidence, I’m relatively certain. Phoenix, in a screen-shaking fury, demands to know more about this evidence. From his overreaction, you’d think that Gumshoe just said, “Miles Edgeworth slept over at my place the other night.” The very decisive evidence is, in Gumshoe’s words, “The photo of the Steel Samurai heading toward the scene of the crime.” He goes on to explain how the security camera on the gate snaps a photo every time someone passes underneath. There are going to be about a thousand photos of Phoenix before this case is over, I bet.