“This is no time for jokes in ill taste!” Edgeworth shrills. “That’s where the killer was standing!” Wow, he’s quick to catch on. The judge asks what Phoenix is getting at, like the question even needs to be asked. But Phoenix never has the chance to answer. Edgeworth objects that Phoenix is more or less making shit up to get out of jail, and the judge concurs, and on top of that, allows White to amend his testimony to come up with a non-I-did-this-shit explanation. “Good luck,” Phoenix thinks. “You can’t fix a broken testimony, buddy!” Except it seems like people do, all the time. Has he forgotten all the witness ridiculousness we’ve already seen?
In his new testimony, White explains that he saw Mia juke left first, get hit, and then go right, toward the door, before being hit again. So in her final moments of life, Mia decided to see if she could be more like Barry Sanders? Uh huh. This one is easy to dispute, though. Pulling up Edgeworth’s doctored autopsy report, Phoenix notes that Mia was killed with “a single blow.” That’s not actually a quote from the autopsy report, but Phoenix wanted to say someone died from a “blow” in court. Hey, he’s on trial for his life but he can still have fun.
White begins to lose his composure after Phoenix points out that his testimonies are becoming progressively harder to believe. Edgeworth and the judge are all in favor of having a recess so the witness can get his story straight calm down, but Phoenix is all over that, and for once the peanut gallery is on his side, demanding justice against this man in the pink suit. No, not that one. The other one.
Despite complaints of a stomach ache, White is forced to offer a new testimony. It’s about the same as the last one, except Mia “dodged” that first hit. She’s making people miss! Look at that footwork! What a downhill runner! If anyone present starts drawing all over the office floor plans like John Madden, it’ll be time to turn off the game.
The first statement in White’s testimony presents a problem for Phoenix: he says he looked in “the other window” when he heard something fall over. Pressing, we find out he’s referring to Mia’s glass light stand. Something fishy there, and not just the completely passed-over part about a second window when both his hotel room and Mia’s office only had one window. When White is forced to amend his testimony to say, “A light stand was lying on the floor when I looked,” Phoenix pounces with his evidence: the shards of said light stand. I told you, he uses everything. His argument? “It was impossible for you to have seen the light stand!” White gapes, but Phoenix goes on: “The stand broke into pieces when it fell!” He concludes that there was no way to know it was a light stand just by seeing the shards on the floor. Only Phoenix, Master Decorator, would be able to tell from the curvature and tinting of these glass fragments what the original item was! And further, Mia kept the stand in an unobtrusive corner, where it would not have been visible through the window. Lord, why do we keep coming back to décor?
Phoenix believes that there is a single explanation here: White knew it was a light stand because he had seen it before it was destroyed, and the only possible time for that would have been as he murdered Mia. Hmm, a bit of a stretch, but let’s go with it–Phoenix has hit his stride, and White is floundering on the stand. But Miles Edgeworth gets turned on at times when he has the chance to crush a man’s dreams, and this is one of those times.
‘It’s…it’s in!’
Edgeworth has a very simple explanation for how White could have seen the light stand without being the murderer. “Mr. White…” he says, “I think the time has come. Shouldn’t you confess your crime now, hmm?” Edgeworth leads White through the lie, since he’s still beating his head into the witness stand and not comprehending. “I said, you should confess your crime,” he goes on. “Ergo, confess that you placed the wiretap!” Oh snap. Phoenix looks profoundly sorry he ever found that thing.
The judge demands that Edgeworth explain himself. “Distinguished members of the court,” he starts, because knows his big words make Phoenix hot and that’s just one more way he can mess with his head today, “Mr. White is slightly confused. Allow me to explain. As you know, Mr. White is the CEO of Bluecorp. He ordered his secretary, Miss April May, to tap the law offices of Ms. Fey.” And without batting an eyelash, he adds, “The question is: when was the wiretap placed in the office, and by who?” That’s “whom,” dear. But whatever. It seems like the question doesn’t really follow, since Edgeworth himself said that White asked April to do it. Why on earth would he risk his public image by being caught doing this? But White catches on, finally, and “admits” to installing the tap on Mia’s phone. Phoenix is that type of upset where his irises disappear and it looks like his eyes are all white. It’s not attractive.
White is given one more testimony, in which he says he saw the light stand in Mia’s office the week before the murder, as he was in her office messing with her phone. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing Phoenix can say to contradict this testimony–Edgeworth even has White’s fingerprints at the scene. Nice how he sat on that detail until it helped his case. Phoenix would be totally aroused by Edgeworth’s amazing intellect, but he’s too close to vomiting to think about that right now. The only extra comment of note in White’s testimony is that he noticed the light stand because, in his words, “It was quite stylish, so I guess it made a lasting impression on me.” Well, that settles that: Mia’s glass light stand was a giant glass phallus. Why else would White think it stylish?
But never mind Edgeworth’s sexy wit and glass penises: Phoenix has run out of gas. There is nothing he can do about this admission by White, so he has to give up. At this point he hears a familiar voice, and sees Mia standing next to him, telling him not to surrender. And he takes this shock in the manliest way he can: he faints. Right into Edgeworth’s lap.
Phoenix wakes up in the lobby, convinces himself he was hallucinating after his loss in court, sees Mia again, and promptly passes out a second time. He is such a girl. God. Mia wakes him up again, but demands that he take a closer look at her. Like he’s ever wanted to do that. The image of the Mia he was familiar with is replaced with one where “Mia” has her own face and figure but Maya’s hair and clothing. I should not even need to tell you that her breasts are bulging out of skinny, flat-chested Maya’s outfit. Mia is all, “Duh, you should have known that Maya could channel me and that it would look like her, but with huge tits and linebacker shoulders!” She explains that seeing Phoenix give up in court was a sufficient shock to awaken Maya’s powers and allow Mia to possess her. This isn’t disturbing or anything.
Mia gets down to business, as she only has a limited amount of time in Maya’s body and she has to save some of it for the weird spiritual masturbation plot that someone on fanfiction.net has cooked up. “Maya never gave up,” Mia tells Phoenix. “You can’t either!” And she’s not just bullshitting, either: she knows he has the evidence to bring down Redd White. “You have that Receipt in the court record, right?” she asks. Yes, the one that Mia White wrote Maya’s name on. Well, he needs to take a closer look at the source of that receipt. It turns out to be a receipt for a glass light stand, and not for a fabulous pink suit like I originally thought. Further, the date on the receipt is September 4, the day before the murder. After several seconds of Phoenix’s gears grinding that must be agonizing for Mia, judging by the look of consternation on her face, Phoenix realizes that this makes White’s “week before the murder” excuse fall apart.
Back to the courtroom! The judge shows a hair of concern for Phoenix’s frail constitution before returning to business, even though, as Edgeworth says, there is none, since Phoenix gave up before he fainted like a sissy female. But Phoenix has taken Mia’s lecture to heart and wants to resume the fight. He asks the judge for one more crack at White’s testimony, and promises he’ll never, ever impose on the judge’s patience again. Right. The judge defers to Edgeworth, who says he’s fine with giving Phoenix one final chance to make a fool of himself. Their makeup sex in the men’s room later is going to be very, very angry.
Phoenix wastes no time in throwing the receipt in White’s face. He even has the judge read the receipt to the court, just for that extra bit of insult to Edgeworth. I see no reason why Edgeworth or White couldn’t just ask for a new testimony in which White says he was “confused” and actually planted the wiretap the day before the murder. None of his other amended accounts are any less egregious. But I’m grateful, too, that I don’t have to recap any more testimonies that are exactly the same but with one sentence changed.
White is obviously past the point of saving–as Phoenix appeals to the judge for a not guilty verdict, White can do nothing but mutter non-words and scream at his hands. But Edgeworth isn’t going to give up, either. He requests that the trial be extended one more day, so he can “investigate” Phoenix’s claims and assess whether White’s lies necessarily indicate Phoenix’s innocence. And we all know how much witness and evidence tampering Edgeworth could get up to in 24 whole hours. Phoenix is forced to object, but Edgeworth insists that he has to have time to see if White should be brought to trial. Which makes no sense–why would Phoenix’s trial have to be prolonged just for that?–but it’s Edgeworth and he can kind of say whatever he wants. The objection is thus denied.
Another panic attack is about to claim Phoenix as he watches White prepare to leave the stand, return to his naked man office, and wait to see how Edgeworth bails his ass out. But Mia suddenly booms out from Phoenix’s side, “The witness will stay!” Scary. She hands Phoenix a note and tells him to read it aloud for the court. Over a black screen, Phoenix tells us it was a list of names, names of people Redd White had ruined. After hearing several, White cracks. “Mr. White,” Mia says, “Admit your guilt, right here, right now. Or else this list will be released to the press!” Two things about this: first, I’m not sure it’s really kosher to openly blackmail a witness in open court. Second, how come no one else is freaked out by Mia’s presence? She’s only the victim in this case–even if these people are dense and don’t remember her personally, I’m sure they all know what she looks like from the case file. And despite the hair and outfit, Phoenix recognized her immediately. But at any rate, the dead woman blackmailing the witness works without a hitch, and Phoenix is declared not guilty! Hooray! Confetti! At least Phoenix has the grace to look embarrassed that his dead boss inhabiting the body of a teenage girl saved him from prison.
Out in the lobby, Mia congratulates Phoenix on…well, escaping prison showers. It’s not like he did much back there that was worth congratulating. Anyway, Mia’s gotta go, since Maya’s powers are weak and can’t hold her there indefinitely, but before she disappears she asks Phoenix to come back to “her” office around 9:00 that evening. If there’s another murder victim when he gets there, he is so done.
Phoenix arrives at the office that evening, seemingly expecting Mia to be there and…I don’t know. Take him shopping? Gossip about courtroom scandal over cosmopolitans? But he’s surprised to find that Maya is there waiting, with no older, big-honkered sister inhabiting her body. Turns out, Mia wrote her sister a note while using her body, asking her to “take care” of Phoenix. I think Mia means to get him the makeover he desperately needs, but Maya decides she is going to be Phoenix’s new assistant in running Wright & Co. Law Offices. Shit. Phoenix had this cute second-year law school boy all picked out for the job, too. Maya also decides she’s going to call Phoenix “Nick” from now on, because his stupid friend the Butz called him that so he must just love it. Internally, Phoenix thanks Maya and Mia for everything, hating himself a little bit, and we close on a silly shot of Phoenix (with big gaping blowjob mouth), Maya (giggling) and Mia (ghost) grasping hands in partnership. How very heartwarming. And now Phoenix has got to go–he’s got a very important, um, deposition to take to the prosecutor’s office. Very urgent. Can’t wait.
As Phoenix is delayed from that, too, to take Maya out to her favorite burger joint, his second case comes to a close. Next time, join Jeanne for dead samurai, crazy old women, and probably more discussion of this Phoenix/Edgeworth relationship. (She’s just convinced they’re doing it, for some reason.) Later!