The anonymous courtroom asshats are all abuzz with this latest over-the-top display. The Black Screen of Shut the Fuck Up calms them down and allows us to wrap up the whole debacle. A little number from the soundtrack that I like to call “Important Courtroom Business Porno” plays as the judge durrs about the strange twists that occurred during the trial. Never mind that there are more interesting and/or bizarre twists in your average episode of Law and Order. You’d think that, in a world where chain of custody evidence laws don’t exist and men wear fuchsia suits and pink ties into the courtroom on a regular basis, that such “strange” events wouldn’t be all that uncommon. Then again, this is the judge. I don’t think he even remembers what he had for breakfast that morning, let alone what happened in past trials.
A sweaty Winston Payne announces that Frank Sahwit has been arrested for murder. This leads the judge into a hardcore asslicking of Mr. Wright and his mad lawyering skillz. I’m sure Phoenix enjoys receiving praise and all (and maybe even asslicking, although that’s not really on my list of things I enjoy in my gay porn), but I can’t imagine that impressing the judge — who is probably impressed at the way the sun manages to rise every morning — really does all that much for his ego. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone complete a defense so quickly…” the judge continues, making Phoenix all self-conscious. What rumors has Butz been spreading about him?! He doesn’t even have time to glare at his traitorous butt buddy before the judge dramatically declares Butz “Not Guilty.” This is accomplished via a large font and overdone sound effects. Then — and I’m not fucking kidding here — confetti showers down over the courtroom as the gallery cheers. Confetti. Seriously. I don’t think this is exactly helping the proponents of the “This Series is So Not Gay!!!!” theory.
Finally, court is adjourned and the end is in sight. Phoenix feeds us some exposition regarding what really happened on the day of the murder, so let’s pretend like we care. In reality, Frank wasn’t a newspaper salesman at all! He was actually a burglar! A burglar who wore a bright fuchsia suit and walked around apartment buildings in broad daylight trolling for apartments where no one was home. While he was doing this during the day because everyone was supposedly at work, he still thought 4PM wasn’t cutting it too close to the end of the workday. Then, he totally got his ass bitten when he attempted to burgle ButzEx’s pad and she came home. His only recourse was to murder her. Because going to jail for murder is preferable to going to jail for B&E. Yes, yes, I know he thought he had the perfect plan, pinning the crime on Larry Butz — it’s still fucking stupid. Just like everything else he did during the trial. Sadly, even with all the stupidity he displayed every step of the way, it still took time and effort to nail him. Not like that. Oh dear god, not like that.
While Phoenix narrates the story, we get flashbacks to still shots from the murder — all images we’ve seen before. My favorite is the one showing Frank scoping out Butz (again, not like that) as the poor fucker tries to visit his ex-beard. In this particular image, we can see Butz walking away while the door is still open. Wait, is that how it really happened? I thought the open door with Butz walking away was something Frank made up to frame him. I didn’t think that Butz actually showed up, knocked on the door, opened it (because it was unlocked for some reason — dumb!), and then walked away while leaving it open. That makes Butz even more of a schmuck. Then again, the game designers might just be reusing this false image from Frank’s story because it’s close enough to the real events and they didn’t feel like drawing up a version where the door was closed.
Which, oddly enough, was not a five-inch diameter buttplug.
Anyway, we already know what happened, so I’ll just skip ahead to the celebratory events in the Defendant Lobby. Right now, the scene is accompanied by one of the only non-porno numbers on the soundtrack. Still, its upbeat yet ballady nature hints at the possibility that someone might be getting laid tonight. “Wright! Good job in there!” Mia says, making this yet another phrase he’s never before heard from a woman. At least Phoenix has the good grace to thank her for saving his ass in court. “Not at all, not at all. You fought your own battles in there,” she insists. Oh, he so did not. Is she trying to flatter him so that he’ll do her? I don’t think that’s going to happen, lady. My suspicions are confirmed when she continues, “It’s been a while since I’ve seen a trial end on such a satisfying note!” Not only is this totally not what I meant when I said that someone might be getting laid tonight, but it implies that she hasn’t won a trial for quite some time. This goes back to what I said earlier. I know that they’re trying to set Phoenix up as a legal genius, and since he’s dumb, they have to make everyone else even dumber to make him look “smart.” Or maybe I’m just misinterpreting things — maybe she has won a lot of trials recently, just not in a “satisfying” manner. Which probably means she got off on watching Phoenix’s “brilliant” defense maneuvers. Poor Phoenix. “I’ve never seen the chief looking this happy…” he thinks to himself in despair. “If she’s this glad, imagine how Larry must feel!” Now that’s more like it. With all the pressure of the trial off of him and the prospect of buttsex in his near future, he starts to rethink his decision to dump Butz. Maybe he’s not all that bad.
Not so fast! Butz appears onscreen at that exact moment, crying rivers of sparkly gay tears. “My life is over…” he weeps. God damn it. Phoenix lays into him (not like that, for once) regarding this bad attitude. “Aww, Nick… Don’t worry ’bout me! I’ll be dead and gone soon!” Jesus Christ, the drama. “Good!” Phoenix snips at him. “Wait, no! I mean… Bad! Bad bad bad!” Best to act the happy couple now and save the arguments for later. That would be more professional, Phoenix decides. He tries to point out that Butz, being innocent, is now free to go. Go have hot sexy buttsex with the guy who saved that pretty ass, that is. “But… but my Cindy-windy’s gone, man! Gone forever!” Butz bawls.
‘I just realized my shoes don’t match my outfit!’
Holy motherfucking crap on a crouton, that is it. Phoenix is so over this guy. He is sick of not being good enough for Butz. Sick and tired of Butz hiding behind all these lame beards. Shit, he even just went to court to prove that Butz didn’t kill one of them, and he can’t even get a thank you, much less a nice, romantic hug and kiss (and later, buttsex) from him. Fuck that noise.
It just so happens that unbeknownst to Butz, Phoenix has a little plan of his own. A little plan that’s been in action for approximately three years. And now that he’s actually taking on trials, the plan might come to fruition soon. Emphasis on “fruit.” All the more reason why he should dump Butz like a bad habit. Very well then, it’s been decided.
At this point, Mia cuts into the conversation, completely oblivious to the little lovers’ quarrel taking place. She gets a bit cutesy with Butz, apparently not really caring which of these two obvious homosexuals she gets into bed this evening (or perhaps she’s trying to get them both, I don’t know). And then it’s totally hilarious because Mia mistakenly refers to him as “Harry Butz.” I find this funny, not only because I’m a 12-year-old immature boy with sexual issues, but because I like to imagine all the mature, adult gamers getting their panties all in a knot over this type of lowbrow humor. Gosh, how offensive! There is nothing funny about below-the-waist body parts!
Butz, not at all upset at the mistaken name issue, immediately starts humping Mia’s leg, thanking her for everything and inviting her to dinner and a movie. Despite his intent to dump this loser, Phoenix still feels completely insulted. Butz, after all, doesn’t yet know he’s been dumped, and he has the audacity to hit on Phoenix’s female boss! Right in front of him! And thanking her when it was Phoenix who risked his job and reputation to defend him? Dude. Beyond lame. At least Mia refuses his clumsy advances, which vindicates Phoenix just a little bit.
That doesn’t stop Butz from continuing to try. Sweating like a hog while giving the thumbs up sign, he thrusts a gift into Mia’s arms. This gift? The fucking Thinker Clock. Is it even possible to give a tackier gift than something that was used to bludgeon someone to death? Even a used dildo would be less offensive. It turns out that Butz made this clock for his beard, which establishes two things. One, that he has “artistic leanings.” And two, that he uses those artistic leanings to create sculptures of naked guys. Mia seems only slightly taken aback at all these facts — including the thing about it being a murder weapon — demonstrating that she’s either extremely desperate for gifts, or she has some really disturbing fetish. Actually, Larry made two of these nude male clocks — one for his beard and one for himself. So I suppose it’s possible that he gave Mia the one he owns, which would make it only slightly less inappropriate. Still, it’s probably more likely that Larry somehow ended up with the piece of evidence from the trial and gave that one to Mia. I doubt he’d give up his own sexy sculpture. Either way, Mia gladly accepts the gift. Gross.
The very jerky or very clueless Butz whines to Phoenix about his beard cheating on him when he was “so into that chick.” Before Phoenix can tell him off for good, Mia cuts in, insisting that Butz has it all wrong. “I think she thought quite a lot of you, in her own way,” she comments, the “in her own way” making it sound like ButzEx was actually an in-the-closet lesbian. That would soooooo serve Butz right. It’s bad enough that Mia is yammering on with this nonsense, but then she has to go and rope Phoenix into this ridiculous farce. She prompts him to present some sort of evidence that proves beyond a reasonable doubt that ButzEx, deep down, really cared about Butz in spite of the fact that she dumped him and went to Paris with her sugar daddy.
‘Yes, but not in front of you.’
Rolling his eyes, Phoenix decides that it would be prudent not to laugh in his boss’s face and call her a clueless moron. So he plays along, even though his secretive blue text reads, “What the heck is she talking about?” Randomly, he chooses the naked man statue, and makes up some story about how ButzEx wouldn’t have lugged this heavy-ass thing all the way across the globe if she wasn’t really into him. Butz acts like he’s not really buying this, but he still has a shit-eating grin smeared across his face, along with the return of that fabulous pink rouge. Phoenix suppresses the urge to beat Butz over the head with the previously-used murder weapon.
Perhaps Butz finally notices the tired, exasperated, mildly murderous look in his soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend’s eyes, because he takes this opportunity to thank Phoenix for defending him. It’s too little, too late at this point. Still, out of nostalgia — and perhaps a bit of guilt over only using Butz as a temporary backup boyfriend anyway — Phoenix pats himself on the back for improving Butz’s mood.
It’s now time for the Important Message™ of the day, delivered by Mia herself. “I hope you see the importance of evidence now.” For the sake of my sanity, I certainly hope so, too. Cripes. “Also, hopefully you realize, things change depending on how you look at them. People, too. We never really know if our clients are guilty or innocent. All we can do is believe in them. And in order to believe in them, you have to believe in yourself. Wright… Listen. Learn. Grow strong. Never let go of what you believe in. Never.” I’m sure that nauseating inspirational bullshit will come in handy someday when Phoenix is defending a confessed child rapist. How heartwarming.
Now that Mia has all that glurgy crap out of her system, she gets down to her real business — inviting Phoenix to dinner. “We’ll drink a toast to innocent Butz!” she puns. I’m guessing Phoenix is a lot more interested in butts that aren’t all that innocent. But there has to be a penis on the other side, so Mia just doesn’t qualify. Even so, he accepts her offer. Hey, free food. “Oh, speaking of Harry… You were saying part of why you became a lawyer was because of him,” Mia says. “Er, yeah. Part, at least,” Phoenix responds, suddenly becoming a bit uncomfortable. He’s kind of regretting even bringing it up in the first place. Well, Mia wants all the horny details: “Maybe…over drinks?” Whoa. This is spiraling way out of control.
Over a black screen, Phoenix finally wraps things up with a bit of exposition. The salient point is that Butz the deadbeat isn’t ever going to pay him for his services, only cementing his decision to dump the guy. He finishes with, “I didn’t know it then…but that clock was soon going to be at the center of another incident. And my promise to tell the chief about me and Larry…would be one promise that I wouldn’t be able to keep.” Dun dun DUN! Suspense!
Sam will have to wrap up that juicy cliffhanger for you in the next recap. And what of Phoenix’s secret plan to find a new boyfriend? Will he be successful? Does he already have someone in mind? Find out in Part 2!