Well, Phoenix just knows his butt buddy is no killer. Sure, sometimes he kills the mood with some of the lame shit he says and does, but that’s not the same thing. But how, oh how, is he supposed to prove that the witness is lying? Tell him, Mia! Well, she does. I’ll skip over the ridiculously long explanation that basically boils down to “Use the evidence in the Court Record to find contradictions in the testimony and then present this evidence, for the love of God.”
I don’t think Phoenix really wants to do that — the witness is kind of gross.
Now that we’ve established that Phoenix must use the evidence in the Court Record to find contradictions, we finally move on to the cross-examination. The beginning of this process is once again over-the-top dramatic, as images of the defense and prosecution cross, anime style, at the bottom of the screen. It’s tense!
You must be absolutely thrilled that I get to explain more gameplay stuff to you now! During a cross-examination, the witness repeats, verbatim, the exact same testimony he just gave. The player can scroll back and forth between all the text boxes — giving the effect that Phoenix is forcing the witness to say the same shit over and over with no change whatsoever. During each text box of testimony, Phoenix can either “Press” — in which he tries to get more information out of the witness — or “Present” — where he can present evidence that contradicts the information in that text box. In most cases, pressing doesn’t incur any sort of penalty, but it doesn’t always have a point. So although a lot of dialogue in this game is completely hilarious and innuendo-laden, there’s still a lot of pointless shit to scroll through. And I’m going to recap it all! I’m just kidding. Even I have my limits.
I’m sure Phoenix sees men leaving his apartment all the time.
So Phoenix presses on every single point, and while there’s some mildly amusing dialogue, there’s nothing much worth recapping until Payne suspiciously cuts Frank off from discussing his urge to “peek” into the apartment. Phoenix miraculously picks up on this and files it away in his brain for later. Given his track record so far, I’d say that information will not likely be making a reappearance unless Mia brings it up. Through some more pressing, which sounds much less sexy when it’s Phoenix doing it to Frank, we establish that Frank did not touch anything, not a single, solitary thing in the apartment. At all. He totally didn’t. No touching.
Suddenly, a full-body bleach bath is in order.
Even though two seconds later he says he knew the cordless phone inside the doorway was busted because he tried to use it. No one picks up on this discrepancy. Sure, the phone doesn’t turn out to be an important detail, except for establishing the time of the blackout, but still. Contradiction!
I previously mentioned the glaring contradiction regarding the time. When Phoenix presses on this particular point in the testimony, Mia is all, “Um, you might want to present some evidence right about now… Hello!” Okay, okay, the game designers are still holding my hand because I haven’t technically gone through the complicated evidence presenting process. I still feel just a little bit insulted.
Phoenix powers up all his brain cells to figure out the answer to this one — the autopsy report. When he presents this in response to the declaration of time, we get to hear his very first “Objection!” And…well, I’ll concede that Payne has a much less masculine voice than Phoenix, but that’s not to say that Mr. Wright doesn’t have a total girl voice. Because he does. I didn’t expect James Earl Jones or anything, but good lord. So this entire courtroom battle takes place between two dudes who sound suspiciously like ladies. Awesome. And yes, we’ve already heard Phoenix’s voice before since he yells “Hold it!” every time he presses the witness, but it’s not as dramatic, so I saved the description until now. Don’t have a coronary over it.
When Phoenix objects, we get an extreme close-up on his face, again with the anime style moving background. The Japanese can make anything exciting. Once again, Phoenix is all, “Are you really, REALLY sure you found the body at 1PM? Like, cross your heart and hope to die?” Yes, Frank is that God damn sure. Slamming his hands on the table for dramatic effect, Phoenix announces, “Frankly, I find that hard to believe. Your statement directly contradicts the autopsy report.” As he says this, some triumphant porn music starts up in the background. While he stands there tapping the document with the back of his hand, he has this total heavy-lidded bedroom eyes expression on his face. I guess when he’s trying to fuck over the witness, he gets that confused with trying to fuck the witness. Also, ew.
He switches from sexy face to smug face, demanding to know why there is a three hour gap between the time Frank says he found the body and the actual time of death. Uh-oh, Frank’s starting to sweat now! And so is Payne, who shrills another objection about the time difference being, like, totally a minor detail. Which it turns out not to be, of course. I had this whole diatribe written up about how there was no point to even including the time in the testimony at all, since it didn’t have to do with anything else, and the game designers obviously threw it in just to have a contradiction. But then I realized that people who try to cover up their dastardly intentions often try to throw in little details in order to make their story more believable, or so they think. I learned that from The Gift of Fear. A book which has not only allowed me to learn more about ensuring my personal safety, but has also enabled me to fanwank a certain part of a video game. It’s useful on many levels!
The judge isn’t buying this. Far be it from me to spoil anything about the series, but playing through this first case again where the judge is actually reasonable once in a while…well, it’s a little bit freaky. It would be like hearing Shion say something intelligent or Rinoa managing to get herself out of a dire situation without Squall’s help. Anyway, the judge asks, “Why were you so certain that you found the body at 1:00 PM?”
Now Frank’s really getting nervous. Mia compliments Phoenix, like finding this totally obvious contradiction makes him a legal genius. “That’s all you have to do: point out contradictions!” she adds. She forgets to mention, however, that sometimes the game is a total dick and won’t let you point out really suspicious shit before the “right moment.” I’m sure Sam will delve more into that during her recap, so that’s all I’m going to say on the matter.
But Frank isn’t about to fold under pressure. “Wait! I remember now!” he squeals. In any normal courtroom, I hope the judge would see through this blatant bullshit. That’s not the case here, of course. The judge invites Frank to testify some more on the matter. Cue the second testimony, “The Time of Discovery.” In this one, Frank relates that he’s so very certain about the time because he heard someone announce it. He assumes it was the TV, but since the time was three hours off, it must have been a previously-taped program. Yeah, that’s it!
If any of you don’t see the issue with this testimony, then you must have gone to the same law school as Phoenix. Yet no one, particularly not the judge, brings up the issue with the TV set supposedly running in spite of the blackout. So it’s up to our intrepid yet imbecilic lawyer to save the day once again. Just for kicks, I make Phoenix press on every issue. When he gets to the part with the obvious contradiction, Mia says, “I can’t put my finger on it, but something about this seems fishy.” Et tu, Mia? My god, the retardation in this courtroom is contagious. I have to do everything around here.
So Phoenix screams “Objection!” in his girly voice as he presents the blackout record. Things are really heating up for our murderer now. But with the continued lamery of the judge, who asks him about this rather than throwing him off the witness stand for being such an obvious liar, Frank Sahwit can hold out a bit longer. After hemming and hawing a bit, Frank is all, “Oh yeah, I totally remember what really happened!” I…think I might have actually run out of ways to describe the pathetically retarded nature of this entire trial. Seriously. The judge’s response? “The court would prefer to hear an accurate testimony from the very beginning. These constant corrections are harming your credibility.” Wow, you show him, Your Honor! Your mild reprimand will truly help everyone get to the bottom of this case!
Frank blames his behavior on the shock of discovering a dead body, which is more than enough for him to get another chance to testify about how he heard the time. Man, if I ever murder anyone, I want to be tried in this court.
‘A man having sex with a woman’s vagina…that’s just bizarre!’
Testimony time again! According to Frank, he didn’t hear the time, he actually saw it. Although we spent an inordinate amount of time during the last testimony checking and double-checking and asking and making damn fucking sure he heard, not saw, the time…well, now he claims he just forgot! He saw the time on a table clock — the very same table clock that was used to murder ButzEx.
I…have no words for this. Then again, I really can’t blame the guy for spewing this blatantly false crap when he has a greater than average chance of getting away with it. I mean, instead of asking why Frank says he saw the time on a statue of The Thinker, which was presented as the murder weapon less than ten minutes ago, the judge simply responds, “You saw a clock? I guess that would explain it.” That rhythmic thumping you hear is not two guys screwing — it’s me banging my bloody head on my desk.
Cross-examination time (again)! Upon pressing Frank’s first statement, Phoenix comments, “That strikes me as a very suspicious mistake.” That’s like saying, “The surface of the sun seems rather warm to me.” I guess I should just be happy that Phoenix finally managed to put two and two together without depending on Mia’s statements of the obvious. Baby steps. Don’t think that the game still doesn’t hold my hand through this sequence. Phoenix’s inner monologue serves as a flashing neon sign screaming, “PRESENT EVIDENCE HERE!!!” It pretty much goes without saying at this point — unless you have the brain of a sea cucumber — that Phoenix must present the statue when Frank says ButzEx was killed with a table clock.
The game provides several musical themes to accompany the discovery of contradictions. Which theme is played depends on where we are in the trial, or how shocking the evidence is. At this moment, the presentation of the naked male statue earns the most dramatic of all courtroom themes — the Orchestra Hit Disco Porno. As you might guess from the title, the music sounds like it would be more at home in a gay bar than in court. Well, a normal court anyway. Needless to say, it fits in quite well here. While the disco theme pumps rhythmically in the background, Phoenix is all, “How can you say the statue is a clock? There is no way in hell that statue is a clock. If that statue were a clock, why, that would be most ridiculous!”
From Frank’s belligerent response, it appears that Phoenix might have finally made a breakthrough. But wait! In a shocking turn of events, Payne informs the court that the statue is, after all, a clock. I just don’t want to know where the minute hand is. Oh, apparently it isn’t a visual clock. When tilted — or bent over, if you prefer — the statue announces the time. I imagine it does so in a sexy, smooth male voice. Just a hunch. As for why Payne didn’t bother to mention its clockhood earlier — well, it wouldn’t have allowed for such a dramatic reveal if he had. Oh, he tries to make it sound like there’s an actual, sensible reason, but none of us buy it.
“It appears that the witness’s testimony was correct. This is a clock,” the judge dorks, conveniently ignoring the bazillion contradictions that still remain. A person with reasoning capabilities might wonder why Frank said he heard the time from a TV when he obviously heard it from the clock. Or why he changed his story to say that he saw the time on the statue instead of hearing it on the statue. Or how he managed to hear the time from the statue when it requires tilting to activate it, and Frank swears he didn’t touch anything in the apartment. All these obvious lies, obviously covering up the fact that Frank is the obvious killer, and the judge is all, “I don’t see any problems with this testimony! Look, a squirrel!” This game is going to remove years from my life.
Luckily for my sanity and my lifespan, the judge asks Phoenix, “Do you have any problems with his testimony now?” Unfortunately, one of the options isn’t “DURRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!” so I just answer “Yes.” “Your Honor, there is a gaping hole in the witness’s testimony!” Phoenix shrieks, and he knows all about gaping holes. He proceeds to point out what I said before about Frank only knowing the statue was a clock if he had already entered the apartment. “The witness knew it was a clock, because he…” And my two options are “Went into the apartment” or “Knew the victim.” It’s pretty obvious where the game is going with this, but even so — we know that it can’t be the second option because I doubt a guy in a fuchsia suit is going to be associating with the ladies.
Phoenix, complete with Intense Courtroom Face, accuses Frank of entering the apartment. Frank, his toupee jumping off his head for a moment, is all, “Oh yeah? Prove it, asshole!” “I’ll do better than that! I can prove you were the one who killed her!” Phoenix replies. That might have been the quickest tard-to-competent transition in the history of law. But I don’t care because Phoenix is totally hot when he’s on a roll. I never said I wasn’t shallow. Stop judging me and go play with your Tifa body pillow or something.
Anyway, Phoenix busts out with the theory we’ve all figured out by now — when Frank hit ButzEx with the statue, he triggered the audio clock. Now, when I say “we,” I’m not including the courtroom gallery. These excitable morons start buzzing like one of Phoenix’s anatomically correct sex toys, prompting the judge to call for order. This is the only thing he knows how to do.