Well, this is just embarrassing. For what must be the millionth time, Phoenix wonders if maybe he should get rid of this hyperactive dipstick. When Phoenix asks Butz what’s wrong, Butz whines some more for a while before insisting that he can’t live without “her.” “Who… who took her away from me, Nick? Who did this!?” Just a little put out that he’s still so hung up on some female beard after all they’ve been through together, Phoenix snots (in the mysterious blue font), “The newspapers say it was you…” Why did he agree to defend this loser again? It wasn’t that good, Phoenix decides.
Premature ejaculation is a bitch.
Everything fades out to a black screen of first-person exposition. Some of this we already know, such as Phoenix’s name. He gives some background on the case: after the chick in the opening scene was killed in her apartment, they arrested “the unlucky sap dating her” who was, obviously, Mr. Butz. According to Phoenix, he and Larry Butz are butt best buddies, and have been so since grade school. Meaning they started experimenting early. “Our school had a saying: “When something smells, it’s usually the Butz.“” I’d like to point out here that it’s extremely likely that the same whiny asshats who complain about all the sexual and toilet humor on VGR are also diehard fans of this game.
Phoenix explains what this saying means, just in case we were in danger of taking it literally — Larry Butz is always getting himself in trouble. Also, during this explanation, Phoenix says “In the 23 years I’ve known him.” Now, according to the Court Record, Butz is 23 years old and Phoenix is 24. So unless Phoenix knew Butz since the moment he popped out of his mother’s birth canal, this is a translation error. “One thing I can say though: it’s usually not his fault. He just has terrible luck.” Yes, Butz has proven himself (and will continue to prove himself) chock full of common sense. This is what we call denial. And Phoenix isn’t the only one sailing on that particular river, as you might have ascertained. “But I know better than anyone, that he’s a good guy at heart,” Phoenix continues. Do hetero guys talk about each other like that? Yeah, didn’t think so. Phoenix reiterates that he owes Butz a favor. By now, Phoenix is totally giving off the vibe that he really wants to spill the details behind this favor, but he’s waiting for someone to ask him so it doesn’t seem like he’s totally rude for sharing. So he keeps giving hints and reminders until someone will finally go, “Okay, fine, tell me all about what he did to for you.” I met a lot of “interesting” people in college, so I know how this works. Phoenix finishes his little monologue with a vow to clear Butz’s good name. So he’ll sleep with him again, and forget about all those icky girls.
Court time! Court begins at 10AM sharp. We get a wide angle shot of the courtroom, and it doesn’t look at all like the courtrooms I’ve seen on TV, so it must be the Japanese type. I admit I’m totally assuming here, risking the possibility of making an ass out of you and me. Although if I’m going to make an ass out of myself, I might as well bring you down with me. The judge’s ridiculously tall bench is at the front of the room, the defense’s desk/table/podium thingy is to the judge’s left, and the prosecution’s desk/table/podium thingy is to his right. The gallery — a group of random, faceless idiots who like to overreact to everything — sit way up above the defense and prosecution tables. Now that you know the essential layout of the courtroom, we can get down to business.
We get our first close-up of the judge, a vitally important character. Not just because he’s the guy who gives the verdict and — supposedly — runs the show, but because he’s the same judge that hears every one of Phoenix’s cases, at least for the first two games. He’s a rather stereotypical-looking judge — old guy, bald, long white beard, black robes. Nothing to write home about — certainly not as ridiculously flamboyant as many of the character designs in this game. But don’t be fooled — the judge is one of the most…um…unique individuals in the series. More on this as it unfolds.
After the judge calls court to session, the camera switches to a view of the prosecutor. The courtroom scenes, unlike all the other scenes, take place in 3/4 view, at least for the lawyers. Meaning that we are no longer in Phoenix’s POV. I’m sorry for unloading all this boring descriptive shit on you, but I’m sure Sam will thank me when she doesn’t have to explain all this gameplay in detail. Anyway, the prosecutor is a man named Winston Payne, an obvious play on the phrase “winced in pain.” Which is yet another reference to the uncomfortable nature of buttsex. See how that all works? Not that I really want to think of Payne as having the gay buttsex with anyone because I’m shallow and he’s not hot. Nope, he’s just another balding middle-aged dude in a boring suit and coke bottle glasses. I just accidentally typed “cock bottle” glasses. That would certainly be a lot more interesting, I have to say.
After Payne announces that the prosecution is ready, the camera pans over to our first view of Phoenix Wright. I’m assuming that everyone who is reading this recap already knows what Phoenix Wright looks like. Even if you haven’t played the game, you’ve seen some sort of reference to this guy. Whether it’s the Objection! Generator, or a webcomic, or an LJ icon, or pervy yaoi fanart, you’ve seen him. To refresh your memory: he’s the spiky-haired guy in the blue suit and the pink tie. Yes, a pink tie. See, you always doubt me, but you really shouldn’t.
Interestingly, Phoenix is only visible from the waist up behind the podium, and the way he’s standing, you can’t see his hands at all. I’m only mentioning this because he could really be doing anything under there and we wouldn’t know. Don’t tell me you weren’t thinking that, too, you bunch of perverts. Phoenix stammers while announcing that the defense is also ready, another indication that he’s still nervous about his first case. Which I find totally cute right now, but that might be due to the fact that I’ve been drinking.
The judge picks up on the fact that it’s Phoenix’s very first trial — which may mark the only time the judge manages to pick up on anything by himself, so consider this a landmark moment. Admitting that yes, it is his first time, Phoenix adds, “I’m, um, a little nervous.” I really don’t like the Judge/Phoenix innuendo I’m accidentally creating right now, so I’m going to move on, if you don’t mind. “Your conduct during this trial will decide the fate of your client,” the judge announces, doing a lot for Phoenix’s peace of mind, I’m sure. What he means is that if Phoenix pisses him off enough, he will deliver a guilty verdict. Let me put that another way: the judge will sentence Larry Butz to death if Phoenix annoys him. This makes the actual U.S. legal system seem flawless by comparison, and I think that’s saying something.
Because a man’s life is at stake and Phoenix is a total n00b, the judge decides to test him, just to make sure he’s prepared. Although he agrees to the test calmly enough, a moment later we see the first occurrence of Phoenix’s “Oh shit” facial expression — a mix between stoned and constipated, with an endless stream of sweat dripping off of him. Hot. A defense attorney with a crappy poker face is no problem in this court, as we’ll learn soon enough — everyone in this courtroom overreacts to everything.
‘God DAMN it, why did I have to click on that icky hetero porn link?!’
In spite of Phoenix’s freakout, the “test” isn’t related to any sort of complex legal theory. It’s just a series of insultingly easy questions about the case. The purpose of this lame little quiz is so that I, the player, can get used to the complicated task of consulting the Court Record. However, presenting this tutorial in the form of courtroom questions seems a bit ridiculous. I’m assuming that Phoenix had to pass the bar exam at some point. Which must have been just a tad more difficult than answering the question “Who is the defendant in this case?” I mean, Jesus Christ.
The answer is multiple choice. Whew, thank goodness. Otherwise I might have had to pull the defendant’s name from memory, and I haven’t seen it since a minute ago. Stress! Okay, a retarded baboon knows that the answer is Larry Butz and not Phoenix Wright or Mia Fey. I decide to go with the correct answer this time instead of fucking with the judge for my amusement. “Just keep your wits about you and you’ll do fine,” the judge responds. I don’t think “wits” have anything to do with answering this question correctly, but as we’ll learn soon enough, the judge isn’t the brightest crayon in the box — this is like the freaking SAT to him.
The next question is the name of the victim. “Whew, I know this one! Glad I read the case report cover to cover so many times,” Phoenix internally monologues. “It’s…wait… Uh-oh! No…no way! I forgot! I’m drawing a total blank here!” I think we can all agree by now that Phoenix has the intelligence of a dead houseplant — especially if you consider that the only “report” in his possession is the one-page autopsy report. However, there is a simple explanation for this forgetfulness, Your Honor. Recall if you will the fact that Phoenix remembers specific details about his and Larry’s “friendship” — details that stretch back decades. Now remember that the victim in this case is a female. I think you see what I’m getting at here. Not that it makes it any less stupid — most of us can remember important details about people not of our preferred gender — but at least we know he doesn’t have a 100% defective memory.
I doubt he’s ‘up’ to anything when he’s being stared at by a chick who currently resembles a blowup doll.
Mia, next to Phoenix in the defense box, plasters on her blowjob face and asks him if he’s really ready for all this. I’m sure that’s the first time he’s heard that question from a woman. With her boobs thrusting out of her jacket, Mia expresses disbelief that Phoenix could forget such a simple fact as the name of the victim. I’m sure she’s regretting her hiring decision at this point — maybe she has some pink tie fetish that overwhelmed her good sense. Trying to BS his way out of the situation so that he doesn’t get fired — how will he buy presents for his boyfriend then? — Phoenix backpedals that he knows the victim’s name, but he just happened to forget it for the moment. “I think I feel a migraine coming on,” Mia moans (not like that). Oh Mia, how you understand the plight of the recapper. Although big boobs have nothing to do with being a 12-year-old gay male recapper, obviously.
Oddly enough, during the following exchange, Mia has a painful expression plastered on her face, plus she’s bent over with one hand on her ass. This is not a pose I would expect to see from a female character in this game. While stuck in this post-buttsex position, Mia reminds Phoenix — assuming he knew all this in the first place, which may not be the case — about checking the Court Record. She even gives detailed, DS-specific instructions, like Phoenix is standing there with his Court Record on a fucking handheld. “Remember to check it often. Do it for me, please. I’m begging you.” And once again, Mia manages to make something perfectly innocent sound like she’s propositioning poor gay Phoenix. I don’t know whether to be impressed or to feel sorry for her.
Once again, I choose the right answer — like I mentioned before, the victim was Cindy Stone. This isn’t really a buttsex-related name, but instead a shout-out to game designers everywhere. God, you guys, not everything has to be about gay guys doing it. Have some self control.
Finally, Phoenix needs to give the cause of death. The autopsy report — the one piece of actual evidence in the Court Record, you remember — says it was blunt force trauma. Plus, we freaking saw the opening scene, so even without looking at the report, you could pretty much guess this one correctly. Not that Phoenix would know, of course, but I’m just saying.
Here’s where I get “creative.” Instead of choosing the correct option, I go with “Poisoned.” Because this causes Phoenix to reply, “Oh, right! Wasn’t she, um, poisoned by er…poison?” Which just might be the best line ever. Alas, it wasn’t poisonously poisonous poison that was Cindy Stone’s undoing, so Mia has to remind Phoenix once again to look at the motherfucking Court Record. At this point, I’m kind of wondering if Phoenix can even read.
I get the multiple choice option again, and this time I answer it correctly. The judge deems Phoenix ready to continue, which says a lot about this courtroom. “You seem much more relaxed, Mr. Wright. Good for you,” the judge remarks. Again, I will point out that we can’t see what’s happening under the defense table. A moment later, Phoenix reveals to us (via inner monologue) and the court (via the “Oh Shit” face) that he’s still as nervous as hell. It was all a front!
With that tough exam out of the way, we can finally start the actual trial. The judge asks Payne for more information about the murder weapon. “The murder weapon was this statue of ‘The Thinker’,” Payne informs him as a little thumbnail image of the familiar statue appears at the top of the screen for our benefit. The thumbnail pop-up, because of the animation limitations of the game, indicates that the item in question is being displayed to the judge. At least…I think that’s what it means, since it gets entered into evidence (and the ever-important Court Record!) shortly thereafter. I’m assuming that Payne is doing more than just talking about the thing, although we never see him holding it. I can’t take the stress of thinking about this too closely, so let’s just continue.
“Be sure to pay attention to any evidence added during the trial. That evidence is the only ammunition you have in court,” Mia tells Phoenix, before giving him yet another tutorial on using the God damn Court Record. I would again comment about the statement of the obvious there, but it’s apparent that Phoenix really does not know this basic information. What do they teach these people in law school, anyway? Not only does Phoenix have no clue about evidence in general, but neither he nor Mia had any prior knowledge about the murder weapon. Again, I’m no legal expert here, but…isn’t that basic information that they should know before the trial? Is this some bizarro system where the defense is not allowed to access this stuff in advance, or do Phoenix and Mia have access to it, but they’re just extremely retarded and unprepared? I can’t really answer that question for you, unfortunately.
Loading ...The judge instructs Payne to call the first witness. In this system, only the prosecution can call witnesses — yet another method to unfairly stack the odds against poor Phoenix. In a “shocking” turn of events, Payne calls Mr. Larry Butz as the first witness. Actually, it really isn’t all that shocking. I know this because the noisy dickholes in the gallery aren’t making a commotion. “Um, Chief, what do I do now?” the completely ignorant Phoenix asks Mia. “You go back to law school and retake all the classes you apparently slept through,” she responds. In reality, she tells him to shut up and listen to the testimony. “Let’s just hope he doesn’t say anything…unfortunate,” she adds. This prompts Phoenix to panic (internally): “Uh oh, Larry gets excited easily…this could be bad.” As an aspiring professional lawyer, Phoenix doesn’t need the details of their affair broadcasted to the entire courtroom, after all.