After the black screen, Mulan has let her hair down, I imagine because that tight bun was giving her a headache. She apologizes for getting them in trouble, like they are the ones who have to now live in exile forever and can’t just get on their spaceship and never come to this shitty place again. “It’s no big deal,” Junior replies. I guess we agree! Mulan tells them she’s going to go home now, and it seems like nobody is worried about more than her dad being mad at her. Junior promises they will “take [their] share of the blame,” I guess to Mulan’s dad, who doesn’t know them at all? Are they seriously planning on going to hang at Mulan’s house?

I don’t care how many times the game tells me this, I’m not fucking biting.

A text box informs me, “Ping has gone back to being Mulan.” She’s not fucking Sailor Moon, guys, she just faked a deep voice and put her hair in a top knot. Regardless, this brand-new person Mulan walks with her new friends back down the mountain, none of them noticing the hawk flying overhead. So, you know how Ping caused an avalanche to defeat Shan-Yu and the Heartless for good, and the avalanche caught everyone in its path, but all the good guys were, to a person, able to claw their way out of the snow? Well GUESS WHAT.

See above.

Shan-Yu’s bellow of rage is finally what gets Mulan to notice that maybe he isn’t dead. The “buried” Heartless pop up all around him, and he and his completely unharmed army prepare to march down the mountain, also toward the capital. Mulan and Junior watch from the ridge above, a high ground I have no idea how they obtained given they were walking downhill from where Shan-Yu was. “Shan-Yu!? He’s alive!” says Junior. But how could he possibly be, when everyone else is too? I swear to God. Mulan says they have to warn Captain Shang, and with that they take off back the way they came, which is a much less direct path than either Shang or Shan-Yu seemed to be taking, but they’ll still overtake the latter and catch up with the former, because somebody here is a fucking wizard. That’d be @%$#!!!, I guess.

Now and for all time: shut the fuck up, @%$#!!!.

After he’s spent a few precious minutes shopping with the holographic Moogle shop-‘n’-save-point that’s inexplicably here, it takes Junior another five minutes or so to backtrack down to the checkpoint area, where the previously barred gate attached to a five-foot fence is now open. A miracle, but purely in the ICP sense of the word. Shang probably left the gate open eight-plus minutes ago when he came through at top speed. And if you’re curious exactly how Team Ping Mulan Junior catches up to Shang: after going through the checkpoint gate, where the palace is visible in the far distance, a black screen cuts directly to Mulan running through the palace’s gates, past her exhausted former comrades, and up to Captain Ramrod. Of course. Mulan wastes no time in informing him that, hey, you know that avalanche that killed no one except for Shan-Yu? Well, you are just going to shit when you hear. “And why should I believe you this time?” Shang asks. I mean, “common sense” would do here even if he thinks she’s a nasty lying FEEEEEMAAAAALE. “But…she’s telling you the truth!” objects Junior, the other liar he doesn’t trust, though to a less severe degree because his dick may be tiny but it is REAL, baby.

Shang is just about to use these exact words to shut Junior down, I am very confident, when he spots Shan-Yu’s hawk flying overhead, and then uses his keen eyes to track the bird to Shan-Yu, perched on a rooftop adjacent to the Emperor’s residence. Shan-Yu stops to smile back at Shang before hopping off the roof to do some hella regiciding. Oh no! This could have all been prevented if Mulan had stopped Junior from synthesizing items earlier!! FUCKING WOMEN. Shang orders his troops to go protect the Emperor, and the Small Medium and Large Trio charge forward with battle cries of varying ardor, but their redshirt fellows aren’t so quick to react. Shang only realizes what the problem is when he turns around to yell at them, and possibly accuse them of being faithless women: their hearts have been stolen and they’re in the middle of turning into cute little zombie wizard Heartless.

Oh, look at you adorable fuckers. I can’t stay mad at you! Go ahead and kill the Emperor.

This is a challenge utterly beyond unimaginative normie Shang, who backs away from the Heartless in confused fear. So Mulan and Junior step in front of him, blades drawn, to help him out. “Captain!” Junior says. “We’ll secure the courtyard, and you can save the Emperor!” He hesitates until @%$#!!! quacks, “That’s an order!” at him and then he nods and runs for the steps. What is @%$#!!!’s fucking deal in this recap, guys? Is he worse and more befuddling than normal or am I just cranky because of *GESTURES AROUND VAGUELY*?

“Securing the courtyard” takes maybe 30 seconds of flailing wildly at the Heartless, and feels goddamn pointless anyway because Shan-Yu’s already within the walls, but let’s call the courtyard fucking secured. The Mouseketeers advance toward the palace, where they find Shan-Yu bringing his sword to the neck of the elderly, thin, bearded Emperor. No, no Emperor in particular. This non-specific one is nice and cares about his people, a thing that must have been true of real-life imperial China! Disney wouldn’t fucking lie to us. Shan-Yu demands the Emperor “bow” to him. The Emperor does not dignify this with a response, because he’s stately and unafraid, and very much not because there’s only so much pre-existing voice work from Pat Morita from the movie and they couldn’t find a good clip for this scene. Now, you may be wondering where Shang is, as Mulan and the gang have arrived to a scene of two people. But lo! Suddenly Shang drops from the ceiling (note: there is no ceiling here) and flat-palms Shan-Yu under the chin, sending him reeling backward. A couple more punches put this dark-magic-imbued and generally terror-inspiring general on his candy ass, and in another heartbeat Shang is ushering the Emperor inside the palace, with Chien-Po and Ling pulling the giant doors shut behind them. Well, seems like everybody’s got this taken care of. I wonder what Beast and Belle are up to! There might be a feast with singing candlesticks!

Of course, this leaves Shan-Yu cleanup duty to Team Lying Liars. Shang turns around as the doors boom closed, and I wait for him to shout something encouraging to Mulan or maybe even apologize for being a fucking twat earlier, but he only glares back. What, is he still fucking mad?! NOW?! I gotta ask, those of you who have them: is having a penis really this important?

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Not only does Girl Troop here have to defeat Shan-Yu, but they also have to defend the doors so Shan-Yu won’t just scoot on inside and stab a bitch. I feel like defeating him also prevents that, but what do I know? Maybe the fucking bird also has a sword hidden somewhere. Keeping these requirements in hand amounts to another Morale Meter that can be maintained by beating on Shan-Yu and the various Heartless he summons, so that more or less seems like I’m right. After a minute or so of alternating beatings on Shan-Yu, the bird, and the Heartless–once I’ve had plenty of time to stare in confusion at my past self not using the Drive Gauge to go full Double Keyblades–Junior backs Shan-Yu into a corner and they enter into something of a contest of strength. Yes, yes, get it out of your system: I agree it’s very funny. A ring of light appears around the two of them and Junior has to mash triangle to push Shan-Yu to its edge, like in sumo wrestling. Chiefly the point of this seems to be to stagger him and set him up for cool combos, so I ignore that and summon Mushu. “I’m on fire!” he shouts as he blasts some fireballs at Shan-Yu, and as he is not literally on fire, I find the whole thing disappointing. Almost as disappointing as Shan-Yu, whose two life bars are depleted in pretty quick order without him doing anything more interesting than failing to shove Junior and his stick limbs slightly backward. I feel like Shang could have taken this guy, honestly.

If we have to have prisons at all, they should exclusively for people who write lines like this.

Shan-Yu flops down dead, Junior and Mulan kind of fist-pump at each other, Mushu gloats a whole lot, and I wait for something interesting to happen, like for him to turn into a genie or a giant sea witch or something other than just be a dead guy that died, but too bad for me this is a historically rigorous work without room for such foolishness. They used up all that room on anyone a) anyone buying Ping’s backstory and b) a tiny dragon that sounds like Eddie Murphy, thank you.

A black screen later–so either five minutes or five days have elapsed–our heroic foursome is standing at attention on the spot where Shan-Yu’s body just was, facing the Emperor, with Shang and the rod up his butt that has a rod up its butt at the Emperor’s right, and legions of people watching from below. If I’m remembering correctly how this scene goes in the movie, the Emperor bestows medals on Junior and Mulan, but not Goofy, and everyone laughs when @%$#!!! makes a bunch of agitated noises, and then the crowd’s applause carries us into DIRECTED BY GEORGE LUCAS.

Fine, I’ll do my job. “I’ve heard a great deal about you, Fa Mulan,” says the Emperor. “You stole your father’s armor, ran away from home, impersonated an Imperial soldier. You deceived your commanding officer, shamed the entire Chinese army, and dishonored your family name.” Mulan, her body remaining in a bow as he says all this, says nothing, so of course it falls to Junior in the back, not bowing at all and definitely not being told he should because nobody’s going to tell this man to be respectful, whining, “We get the picture.” The picture being a stick figure with boobs labeled “LADIEZ BAD,” which is about at the ceiling of his comprehensive abilities.

But the Emperor, as I’ve established, is a Nice Dude and not a monster, and has a pivot for the scared woman bowing in front of him: “You’re a young woman. And in the end…you have saved us all.” And he bows! To her! DIRECTED BY PETER JACKSON.

I’ll stop. Mulan is shocked by this reaction, as are her friends, though it’s obvious none of them knew what the norms of this situation were in the first place. Then a rustling of metal comes from behind them as all the soldiers in the square dip their heads too, though there’s no way most of them aren’t doing it with extreme misogynist reluctance. And the Emperor has one more surprise for her: Shang comes forward with, I think, Shan-Yu’s sword, and presents it to her. “Take this,” the Emperor says, so the world will know what it is you have done for China.” The adding of Junior et al to the plot really confuses the issue on what Mulan specifically did for China that she should be the one receiving this sword, especially given how this version of events basically entirely cuts out all the character growth and hard training Mulan had to do before she caused a damn avalanche. But Junior Ruining Shit is basically the Gummi Federation’s prime directive at this point, so I don’t know why it’s bothering me.

But as if it’s trying to continue wedging this problem squarely in my craw, the scene goes on with Shang issuing a specific thank-you to not just Mulan but to Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy, only for the Emperor to interject, “‘Thank you’? Is that all there is to say, Captain? If you wish to win the heart of Fa Mulan, China’s bravest woman, you’ll have to be a bit more eloquent than that!” Shang’s face goes through a range of emotions at this old man stepping into his fucking business, ranging from “Am I mishearing this?” to “Uh…fuck you?” to “Whoa, FUCK YOU.” Both the Emperor and Mulan have a good laugh at the former basically arranging the latter’s marriage not 30 seconds after extolling the virtue of her independent spirit. He’s this close to acting like invoking prima nocta is doing her some kind of favor.

The amount of ‘If I could tell you to fuck off without being executed, I would’ in that face is off the charts.

Mulan, now that she’s secured the true prize for all of her daring–let me be crystal clear about this: A MAN–thanks Junior for “everything,” while Mushu, per usual, talks to himself about how great his life is going to be now that he’s accomplished, uh, question mark, and he’ll get to go back to being a family guardian. Goofy, the only person here with a functional memory, asks, “But Mushu, I thought you already WERE a family guardian!” Mushu has some side-of-mouth technicality response for this, and really: who cares? Imagine caring about Mushu’s problems. I cannot.

While Junior is, maybe in jest and maybe not, angrily chasing Mushu around the landing for the crime of deceiving his gullible self, Mulan gasps as the sword Shang just gave her glows with white light and floats away from her hip. Junior takes a break from playing grab-ass with the dragon to notice this, and again on instinct picks up his Keyblade and points it at the ground. A crown symbol appears in the tile, powers up our boy with white-hot jizz powers, and once Shan-Yu’s sword has generated the keyhole in the sky, he blasts it with his full load to unlock this world once more. Except he never came here and locked it the first time. Don’t worry about that!

Goofy notes that this means they should be “movin’ on,” and rather than react in any kind of normal way to either that statement or the light show that preceded it, the Emperor stoically says they “shall be missed.” Yeah, probably easier to lie to them, they’re leaving anyway. I get it. Junior, all of a sudden, has to wipe tears from his face and ask, “Is it okay if we come back to visit?” The fuck is this? Did Roxas come here and he’s having fond memories of hanging out with fucking Yao that Junior now cannot explain? Mulan and Shang, who are now standing together, both silently agree with the Emperor’s decision to lie, and claim they will delight upon their good friends’ return. I’m just thankful Mulan isn’t already surrounded by six kids. “You two play nice,” Junior tells them, to their shared embarrassment. Quick, the only woman in the story and the only hot man! Everyone ship them, before they turn into smoke and disappear!!

Junior’s reward for helping Mulan land that hot piece of ass is the Hidden Dragon keyblade, which admittedly looks fucking awesome. Must have been one of the Fa family’s dowry gifts for weird meddlers that fall out of the goddamn sky. And with that, the Land of Dragons joins the Gummi Superhighway, a new path leading to a new door that–fuck me running–looks like its endpoint is Olympic Coliseum. No. Noooooooooo.

I’ll be goddamned if I’m doing that next time, so why not some hot furry action instead? Next time: Beast’s Castle, and hopefully some talking fucking clocks and candelabras. Until then!