So obviously, or this confrontation would be fucking weird and creepy, this incarnation of Seifer is also a tween. Elsewhere in the gummiverse, Squally must be howling in agony. Must they be forever star-crossed lovers?! Airhead gets to reunite with her fucking boyfriend and he’s even hotter, while Squally’s gets sent back to middle school? WHY, GOD. But Squally’s loss is Roxas’s and my gain, because Seifer is basically the most bangin’ 13 year old ever. Jesus, what is wrong with me. His old gray trenchcoat has been modified to a sleeveless number, so he may more easily hand out tickets to the gun show. Underneath, he’s wearing a tight blue crop top with (surprise) a chunky zipper, and baggy sweats with the waistband turned down to show off his abs even more. I mean, what the fuck. I am starting to feel entrapped. Over his blond hair he’s wearing a black beanie emblazoned with the kanji “ore,” or “me, the manliest possible me, for I am a MAN.” I’m maybe stretching the translation. The point is, AZN Seifer here is hotter than Mount Doom erotically spewing habanero sauce, and he clearly knows it.
Roxas has something to give you, all right.
Roxas feels the sort of longing in his loins usually reserved for opposing attorneys in a courtroom, but Seifer is not in the mood, since he and his gang have also been victims of the —– thief. Like the armor shop guy, Rai says, “You’re the only ones who would take it, y’know!” Seifer hints further, “That was undeniable proof that we totally owned you lamers.” No, I’m not joking, he really says that. Roxas glares manfully at being called a lamer, while Olette just kind of smiles blankly behind him. She’s probably staring at Seifer’s abs and is just not as good at hiding it. Seifer wonders if they burned the object in question. “Ha, not that we need some —– to prove that you’re losers,” he says. I am inclined to agree.
“Replay!” Fuu mutters, out of the blue, and Seifer laughs with delighted approval at this idea. The seven tweens and one magical shadow creature get into squaring-off position, like this is West Side Story, but Seifer suddenly decides he has a better idea than fighting. “I guess if you get on your knees and beg,” he says to Roxas, “MAYBE I’ll let it slide.” He will let something slide, all right. Into Roxas’s mouth. And without hesitation, even as Seifer and his cronies howl with mocking laughter, Roxas kneels and fully prostrates himself in front of Seifer. Sadly, he is way too low to the ground for a suggestive screencap to happen. Way to take the fun out of this, Roxas.
While he’s down there, Hayner shouts, “Roxas!” and our boy’s eyes dart around, looking for an advantage. His gaze somehow pulls away from the magnetic allure of Seifer’s crotch to notice a blue nerf bat of sorts directly in front of him. I am positive that was not there a moment ago. Looking to his left and right, he sees two other nerf-like weapons on the ground. A beat later he leaps to his feet as his friends do nothing but watch. If I’m wrong and those weapons were there the entire time, I do not understand why he bothered getting on his knees. He’s now right back where he started. I mean, obviously the answer is that he wanted to be on his knees in front of Seifer, but even then he made a hash of the whole thing. At least wait until Vivi isn’t staring at the action between Seifer’s legs, man.
I think we know what Roxas really wants to grab onto.
I’m back in control of Roxas, for he must choose one of the three weapons lying in the sand octogon. If you’re thinking that at least Roxas’s crucial choice of weapon is at least handled in a slightly more organic fashion than Junior’s similar choice, well, sorry, but Roxas is going to have to do that later, too. The nerf bat directly in front of him is more like a sword, and grants +1 defense. The bat on the right, which has no crossguard, provides +1 attack. And the staff, with a blue foam star on its end, gives +1 magic. Well, I think we know which one I will not be choosing. The club is the most overtly phallic of the remaining two, so attack it is! The DIIG notes that this weapon is “used in Struggle battles,” whatever the fuck those are. For now, it’ll have to suffice as he’s thrown into a battle with Seifer.
A black screen later, Seifer and Roxas are both armed with their dildo bats, and Seifer is suggestively wagging his at Roxas’s face. “Roxas, focus!” Chumlee yells. It’s possible he’s been reading Roxas’s diary. Anyway, as Seifer patiently stands there and waves his nerf dick around, Roxas gets one more tutorial, this time for combat. DIIG walks me through what an HP bar is, and then points a big yellow arrow at the MP bar. “It holds a mysterious power that is not yet available,” DIIG explains. He will have to “fight” with Seifer many, many more times before he’s good enough to use that second bar. It’s okay, buddy! Nobody’s that good the first time! Finally, DIIG gives Roxas the command to attack using X, and even to mash X to do combos. This ain’t my first X-mashing rodeo, hombre. After a couple combos, a pointless interlude shows Seifer still waggling his bat suggestively, as Roxas’s vision gets fuzzy again. You can’t pass out now, Roxas! You’re so close to having what you want! But he recovers, and now is tasked with fully defeating Seifer. Or making him submit, if you like. And Roxas likes.
Disappointingly, Seifer does not put up much of a fight. Really, the best thing he does is shout, “Kneel, loser!” at the beginning of the battle. He really has a thing with kneeling, doesn’t he? He and Roxas whack their bats together a few times as they parry each other, but Seifer never even gets a clean hit in, and even if he did, Roxas wouldn’t get a sexy matching scar out of it, since they’re fighting with blunt foam toys. On that note, I’m sure he would be livid if he knew there was some smoldering older man on another planet who did have a scar matching Seifer’s. THAT BITCH.
Loading ...The second Seifer goes down–hee–Rai and Fuu step in to shield him. Rai is full of excuses about Seifer “not feeling so hot,” and he is gonna get it later for telling these dorks about Seifer’s explosive diarrhea. Fuu simply says, “Tournament decides.” What tournament? And decides what? Who the actual lamer is? Do they pass a trophy back and forth for being the least losery? Chumlee, meanwhile, snaps a photo of Roxas turning around and looking constipated while Fuu and Rai keep him from his man. Nice job, buddy. Really captured the moment. Does Twilight Town have a Pulitzer committee?
*plays ‘Liberi Fatali’ on a kazoo*
But oh no! A…creature swoops in and rips Chumlee’s camera from his hands. It’s probably for the best. The thing’s already gone down an alley before anybody can get a good look at it, but it vaguely resembles a white Heartless. But Heartless are darkness! And darkness is black! And light is white! Someone hold my hand and walk me through this. Hayner, Chumlee, and Olette decide this apparition must be the thief and charge off after it. Roxas follows, but once I’m back in control of him, he’s now the only one in pursuit, and is now in the woods that are apparently in the middle of town.
The white Heartless bobs and weaves through the air and around the trees, seemingly just to get me turned around and confused, but it also helpfully waits for Roxas to catch up anytime he goes the wrong way. Eventually it leads him to a red brick mansion on the other side of the forest, where it dances in place patiently in front of a wrought-iron gate. Why, it almost seems like this thing wants Roxas to catch it! After I press triangle to make Roxas confront it, the camera zooms in hard on the thing, with a whoosh sound and everything. This at least lets me get a better look at it. It’s not just the deflated parade balloon aesthetic that makes it look like a Heartless–it also has a symbol similar (but not identical) to the Heartless symbol stamped on its head. But it also has features that set it apart, namely its zipper mouth (they’re everywhere!) and the light-up indigo racing stripes running along its body. It looks like the LED track lighting on a strip club stage. The screen blacks out when we get all the way up in this thing’s grill, and some unvoiced white text says, “We have come for you, my liege.” Roxas, though, does hear it, and goes, “Huh?” HMM, who else do we know who goes “Huh?” like a dope all the time? While Roxas is still gawking like an idiot, the creature unzips its mouth, which is somehow even more disturbing than Junior humping Goofy’s neck or Billy Zane being superglued to an evil hoopty. Now that its gaping hellmaw is open, it’s apparently time to fight!
Because Roxas is still only armed with his blue dildo bat, he is unable to do any damage to this thing. All he can really do is use the reaction commands to maneuver himself out of harm’s way whenever it wants to go after his sweet candy. Once Roxas has made an ass out of himself for long enough, the battle pauses so he can stare down his horrifyingly sexy enemy and lament, “It’s no use…” But right when things look their most dire, the bat in his hand is surrounded by digital artifacts, like he’s in the Tron world (ha, like Disney would ever mine that deep for content). The bat glows with white light and in a flash, it transforms into the Keyblade. (“BUT JUNIOR’S THE KEEEEEEEEEYBLADE MAAAAAAAAAAAASTER,” I’m sure someone has sobbed at this exact moment.) And just as suddenly, the Keyblade starts jerking in his hands, which is an unwelcome reversal of Roxas’s usual routine. The Keyblade clearly wants to drive itself deep, and repeatedly, into this enemy. Roxas sets his adorable pouty face to “determined” and decides to go along with its wishes.
Of course, this time he’s able to damage the creature, since being whacked with a blunt metal object hurts worse than a blunt foam one. Or because of the power of the Keyblade master’s pure heart! Whatever. The creature explodes into munny and HP balls, and a moment later, explodes a second time in cutscene mode, leaving a handful of photographs fluttering to the ground. The Keyblade, feeling flush and satisfied like its old keyhole-impregnating days, disappears. Roxas examines the creature’s leavings (which do not include Chumlee’s camera–sorry, pal!), but all we get to see at the moment is his disconcerted expression.
After a black screen takes us back to the Wanker Quartet’s hideout, it becomes apparent why Roxas was unhappy. The other three kids are poring over the photos, starting with one of Roxas standing with the owner of the armor shop. “I was his first customer after he took over the shop,” Roxas explains. Olette says it’s a “really nice photo,” which is vastly overselling it, but more importantly, she can say the word “photo” now, as can they all. Roxas dodges when Hayner asks him to describe the thief, saying that he just found the pictures lying there. I can’t say I blame him for not wanting to go into it further. “The thief was a sentient, muscular athletic sock with a zipper mouth. A magical giant key formed out of thin air and made me stab the sock to death.” I mean, when I put it like that it sounds like the aftermath of one of his many wet dreams, and I’m sure his friends would take it as such.
“Then how do we prove we weren’t the ones who took ’em?” Hayner asks. Am I insane or did multiple people, including Seifer and his gang, see the creature when it took Chumlee’s camera? If the thing was moving so quickly that nobody could see it, how did any of them know to follow it? And who cares if some random assholes think they stole some photos? This is still the world’s least urgent issue. More pressing, really, is the next photo in Hayner’s hand, showing Roxas standing with the accessory shop lady. “It’s a GIRL…” Hayner says, like a shit. Don’t be jealous, man–when Roxas is done humping Seifer, and a crusty living sock puppet, and his pillows, he’ll come back to you, like always. Olette adds, “You look happy, Roxas,” to which Roxas angrily retorts, “Do not.” Hee. Indeed, he does not remotely look happy in the photo. The kid is permanently stuck in Blue Steel.
Finally, Chumlee voices the glaringly obvious: every stolen photo is of Roxas. The kids figure this explains why everyone thought they were the thieves, though I’m not sure it does. Why would Roxas go around stealing photos of himself? I mean, why would anyone at all steal a bunch of incredibly boring photos of some kid, period, but that doesn’t mean Roxas is any more likely. Hayner, for his part, is just relieved Seifer wasn’t shit-talking them after all, which is adorable and all, but I’m sure he still was. Seifer’s not the type to lie down on the foe-yay job.
Chumlee shows the remaining photos to Roxas, who already looked at them earlier but still doesn’t believe they’re of him: standing with the candy shop lady and her cat, while half-kneeling and holding a popsicle, looking like a complete douchebag; lying face-down in the sandlot while Seifer, Rai, and Vivi gloat over his body (this is before the orgy, I’m sure); and posing with these three in front of the gates to the brick mansion. Look at this little fucking Gary Stu. I’m surprised there isn’t one of him winning a blue ribbon for his perfect apple pie at the town fair, or singing at the Goddess Festival. “Wouldn’t it be weird if the thief wanted to steal the real Roxas or something?” Chumlee wonders, fingering his chin. Oh crap, Chumlee is right–getting kidnapped is Roxas Stu’s logical next step here. But Hayner laughs it off. “Why would anyone wanna steal a bonehead like Roxas?” I’d say this is at least helping to undercut the theme here–i.e. Roxas is SPESHUL and AMAZING–but it’s also clear that Hayner is trying to cover up his burning infatuation with his best friend. You’re not fooling me, buddy. The other three all wave goodbye to Roxas and turn to go home. After a beat, Roxas leaves too. Why don’t they all just leave together? Are the others assuming Roxas is making a stop at Seifer’s place, alone?
Fuu, the Chairwoman of Square’s Evil PR Team, put away the camera after this.
In the alley outside the kids’ clubhouse, Roxas is suddenly blinded by sunlight, which very logically makes him black out. Over the Black Screen of Roxas’s Gary Stu Fainting Blindness, Junior’s voice (I think) asks, “Where…am I? Who’s there? Who are you?” Static covers the screen as a robotic voice says, “Restoration at 12%.” I fear that somebody might be pulling a Six Million Dollar Man on Junior. They’re going to make him better. Faster. Whinier.
Cut to a dark room full of purple pipes and a massive computer console with ten or so oddly shaped monitors, all displaying bright blue screens of schematics and random code strings. Another man in the black hoodie getup walks in to speak to the man sitting at the console, who is dressed in robes covered with a Lulu level of pointless belts, a red cape, and red bandages mummy-wrapping his entire head. These two were the ones standing on the stairs in front of Marluxia’s room in the cinematic, but now they’re going to do more than stand there for half a second, looking mysterious. Well, sort of. The red mummy rumbles, providing us a face of sorts to go with Christopher Lee’s voice, “Organization miscreants… They’ve found us.” The hooded man wonders, in Ziggy’s voice, “But…why would the Nobodies steal photographs?” Oh thank god, I can stop calling Roxas’s crusty sock “the creature.” I mean, I could just call all Nobodies “Crusty Sock Creatures,” but obviously they won’t all look like that. Saruman the Red tells him, “Both are nothing but data to them. The fools could never tell the difference.” So they are in fact trying to steal Roxas, but somehow don’t even try to abduct the real Roxas when he’s right in front of them. Sure. “We are running out of time,” Saruman the Red goes on. “Naminé must make haste.” It is fair to assume, then, that Saruman and Ziggy are Junior’s captors. They’d better hope nobody hires some giant eagles to fly him away from Isengard.
Oh boy, it’s time for more static-filled trips down Junior’s memory lane! If I wanted to see shitty image quality from the first game, I’d go through my old screencaps, thanks. This trip focuses on Junior’s arrival in Traverse Town: Pluto licking him awake in the alley, Junior fighting through the Heartless infestation there as he wonders what happened to “Riku! Kai–” and loses the thread again, Kairi’s staticky face floating in split-screen in his consciousness, and Junior listening to Squally lecture him about the Keyblade. David Boreanaz’s velvety, paycheck-cashing tones have been replaced by those of someone presumably cheaper and less likely to roll his eyes at the script. Finally, @%$#!!! and Goofy literally drop in on top of our boy, and they make their sad Three Mouseketeers friendship pledge. Throw in some ominous old exposition about the Keyblade from the likes of Airhead and Jafar, ending with a money shot of the weapon spraying hot white light into Agrabah’s keyhole, and we have the makings of another rousing dream for Roxas!
HOT
“A key…blade?” Roxas wonders, staring at his hand after he wakes up. That is certainly not how his wang used to look in his dreams. It is with this introspection–and another discreet trip to the washing machine with his pajamas–that Roxas begins “The 2nd Day.” He’s still thinking about that long, hard metal shaft as he walks to the Wanker Quartet’s clubhouse (past a poster advertising the “Struggle,” featuring the dildo bat from yesterday). He pauses to look at a stick, conspicuously set against a wall, though there are no trees anywhere in this area. Roxas picks up the stick and pretend-swashbuckles with it for a moment, before absently tossing it over his shoulder, where it smacks right into the chest of a tall man wearing the black hoodie trench, who I am assuming is Ziggy. He walks off without a word, even as Roxas is apologizing, so I guess we’ll never know which asshole in black it really was. I hope we can all recover from this tragedy.