But I hope you didn’t think that was the end of the cinematic! Oh my, no. This thing goes on forever. Elsewhere, in a place that looks a bit like the End of the World, but could be some other ominous world with endless shallow seas and dark skies, another person in the now-ubiquitous black zipper hoodie coat enters via magical portal. “You have arrived,” a deep-voiced second man in the same ensemble says. Their faces are hidden in the shadows of their hoods, so this is going to be a confusing scene, and I apologize. The second man adds, “I’ve been to see him… He looks a lot like you.” Oh, great. Two unidentified people, dressed identically, only speaking in cryptic statements and non-specific pronouns. I’m sure this is riveting. The first hooded guy asks, “Who are you?” but unlike the second guy, he isn’t voice acted. Full disclosure: I had to record this twice, because the first time I somehow screwed up the settings and my 90-ish minutes of footage had no sound. (That was a fun realization! I did not throw things!) And the sound card on my computer is also a bit dodgy, so even knowing this guy isn’t supposed to be heard out loud in this scene, I’m still paranoid that either I’m not hearing him because of my sound card or because I managed to fuck up my second recording. I only bring this up because my technological failings are somehow more interesting than this scene.

ANYWAY. Hood #2 answers, “I’m what’s left. Or…maybe I’m all there ever was.” Super good answer, dude. Really revealing. Hood #1 is with me on this and says, “I meant your name.” Then Hood #2 takes off his hood, provides his full legal name, and lists a couple work history references. Just kidding: he says, “My name is of no importance.” OF COURSE IT ISN’T. I don’t even know why Hood #1 bothered asking, honestly. He adds, “What about you? Do you remember your true name?” But I thought names weren’t important! They’re just labels, man. Hood #1 stammers, “My true name…is…” Before he can fail to answer, the screen blacks out as someone’s voice, probably Kairi’s, calls distantly, “[Junior]…” So Hood #1 is Junior! I’m sure we have our simple, straightforward answer.

I’m picturing a tiny, diapers-clad keyhole with a shit-eating grin and giant feet.

From Hood #1’s existential blackout, we segue to Junior waking up on the Beach of Wankers and staring up at the blue sky, which is temporarily staticky and saturated with white noise. Totally normal. Junior opens his eyes, yawns, and then is surprised by Kairi standing above him. It’s a carbon copy of our first waking moments with Junior, except Kairi’s face is obscured by a bar of static. When Junior speaks, he only gets out, “Gimme a break, Kai–” before the memory cuts itself off. Flashes of Junior’s other early memories come in quick succession, all of them with Kairi’s face and name awkwardly censored out. He of course remembers Riku just fine, which ironically seems to indicate that Riku is less important. Naturally. The Heartless invasion of the Island of Wankers plays out all over again in this fashion, including Billy Zane intoning ominously at Junior, but possibly without Billy Zane’s actual voice. More on this as it develops.

Finally, we are allowed to move on from this The Bourne Identity-starring-Junior bullshit. Well, we’re not remotely done with it, but at least we’re getting a reprieve. The next scene opens on a cozy bedroom filled with warm light. Books, boxes, and linens fill a wall-sized bookcase with oddly shaped and sized cubby holes. A tiny TV–with a baby bat poking its head and wings out of the casing, like rabbit ears–blares some shitty Teen Disney show (probably). Bookbags, belts, pouches, and friendship bracelets hang from coat hooks across from a desk. The overall effect is lived in, but tidy, with a vague feeling that all the clutter is a little too forced, like someone is trying to make this room look natural. Which, I mean, someone is–it’s a designed set–but I’m trying to get y’all in the mood here.

That is an awfully elaborate device for cooking Hot Pockets.

The slow pan eventually reaches the bed, under a huge window, and the boy sleeping on it. (Yes, on it–as we all know, people in videogames don’t sleep under their covers.) Mystery Twink stirs and sits up. “Another dream about him…” he murmurs, the camera up close on his blue eyes and solemn expression. So it’s fair to say that everything I’ve recapped up to this point has been dreamed by this young man, who is clearly nursing a raging subconscious boner for Junior. Maybe there’s a reason he doesn’t sleep under his blanket. Mystery Twink pushes open the window and takes in his gorgeous view of the city he calls home. The buildings are glowing with the light of sunset, and as a Disneyland-like train rolls along in the distance on an elevated track, the town chyron lets us know we are in Twilight Town. Because the town is always in twilight! Except the town is always actually bathed in the setting sun, as it is now, and that is not what “twilight” means. We’re off to an auspicious start.

The logo is literally being backlit by the sun! You had one job, town namers.

A Black Screen of Cleaning Himself Up later, Mystery Twink is dressed and brooding, in a wooden shanty somewhere under the train tracks, hanging out with three other teens. The game never really bothers to name two of the three of them overtly and just assumes we’ll figure it out, so I’ll just introduce them now and avoid confusion. The boy who looks like Zell in camo pants, a wife beater, and a cropped khaki vest is Hayner, and he is the Brash One. The chubby kid in a headband, a neckerchief, a red basketball jersey that for some goddamn reason reads “DOG STREET,” and baggy jeans is Pence, aka the Nerdy and Fat One. (I am unable to resist renaming him Chumlee.) And the girl, who clearly loves candy corn judging from the color motif of her cute tank top/capris combo, is Olette, and–sigh–she is the Girl One. I wish I could say we’ll be getting to know them better in these early recaps, but I think you probably know everything there is to know about them after this one paragraph. It’s like someone is trying to recreate Junior’s squad and openly treating anyone who isn’t Junior Mystery Twink (SPOILER) like a replaceable cog, including adding a fourth person just because. In other words, it’s like Axl Rose insisting that whatever band he’s fronting is Guns ‘n’ Roses, when Slash is nowhere to be found.

Hayner is in the middle of animatedly relating some hilarious story to Chumlee and Olette, who laugh and clap and widen their eyes at all the right moments to make Hayner feel like he’s the most interesting man in the world, but Mystery Twink just keeps staring at his hands and frowning. Mystery Twink, then, is the Broody One of this foursome. Dude is still gazing at his hands, like he just can’t believe what they were doing to Junior’s hot bod in his dreams last night, when we’re informed by a text overlay that this is “The 1st Day.” The first day of what, who fucking knows, since we know this isn’t even the first morning Mystery Twink has woken up sticky and sweaty with Junior on his mind.

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“Man, doesn’t that tick you off?” Hayner is asking. Chumlee agrees with whatever it is Hayner’s got his panties twisted over, and Olette adds, “Seifer’s gone too far this time.” Seifer, hmm? This name (and maybe some attendant memories of erotic dreams past?) is enough to get the attention of our boy, who nods in agreement too. Hayner takes this as his cue to keep speechifying. “I mean, it’s true that stuff’s been stolen around town,” he says. “And we’ve got a score to settle with Seifer and everything. So if he wants to think we did it, I can’t really blame him.” But the thing that does settle his hash, apparently, is that Seifer is gabbing to everyone in town that they’re guilty. “Now the whole town and their mothers are treating us like the Klepto Club!” Hayner whines. So it’s totally fine if Seifer believes they are criminals, but acting on that belief and responsibly telling others to watch out is beyond the pale. Cool story, bro.

If homeboy has never been madder about anything than this, he lives a blessed fucking existence.

The teens stare at each other while they try to asspull a solution to this, the world’s most pressing problem. Olette stares at MT and he bats his gorgeous eyelashes until he can blink an idea into existence. “We could find the real thieves,” he finally says. “That would set the record straight.” Chumlee thinks this sounds “fun,” possibly demonstrating he hasn’t been listening this entire time, and runs off-camera to take a nap or something. Hayner, meanwhile, wants to know what to do about Seifer, so MT states the obvious: “Once we find the real culprit, everyone will get off our backs.” Both of them would prefer to get on Seifer’s back, and don’t seem super comfortable with the role reversal.

Oh, wait, Chumlee is still here and not asleep, because he wails, “Oh no! They’re gone!” He’s staring at the old-school Polaroid camera in his hands. “Our —– are gone!” Yes, this is another moment where I worry if my recording and/or my sound card have gone to pot. Not enjoying this experience. But Chumlee clutches his throat, wondering why the fuck he can’t say that word. Hayner and Olette endure the same realization, Hayner suggestively massaging his own throat and pursing his lips. And there’s another image for MT’s nascent spank bank.

Someone help! He may have choked on a hot dog!

“Stolen…” MT murmurs, touching his fingers to his lips. “And not just the —–. The word —–. They stole it, too!” I wish I hadn’t already strongly indicated the missing objects are photos from Chumlee’s camera, because these four panicking that their vibrators, or their Four Loko, or their Manwiches, have been stolen would have been enjoyable. But what the hell, we can play dumb. Hayner would like to know what kind of thief could steal a word, and I never thought I’d wish for Disney to acquire the rights to Carmen Sandiego, but here we are. “Seifer could never have pulled that off,” Hayner adds, getting the subject back to his crush. I thought Seifer was the one accusing them, but now he’s a suspect? I bet the only thing he’s stolen is Hayner’s virginity.

The kids decide to do some reconnaissance. As MT lopes out of their hideout after his friends, a blur filter smacks him in the face and he crashes to the floor. Over a black screen, the unmistakable voice of one Christopher Lee (RIP) intones, “His heart is returning. Doubtless he’ll awaken very soon.” Dracula has nothing else for us at the moment, as MT returns to consciousness, wondering why he’s falling victim to constant Mary Sue fainting spells. Olette enters the hideout again, wondering what’s taking him so fucking long. “Roxas, c’mon,” she says, so I can finally call him by his name. I could call him Tightass Junior Junior, or Tightass III (or XIII! Spoiler!) or some fucking thing, but that sounds confusing and lame, and besides, I’m also fine with his actual name. Just know I’m sitting here calling him “Rocks Ass” like a doofus.

Next thing Roxas knows, he’s standing in the middle of one of several areas of Twilight Town, staring across the street at his friends, who are gathered around the town equipment vendor. Roxas is walked through (sigh) the process of walking, so he can put all his brain power to the monumental task of moving to where the others are standing. “If you can’t remember what to do next,” the Disembodied Intelligence Insulting God says, “press the START button to confirm your objective.” I mean, I know that will actually help later when I am presented with actual tasks, but if Roxas forgets that he’s supposed to walk forward, I think he’s beyond help. Roxas dutifully runs and hops to his friends, and is rewarded with the scoop that he can grab onto ledges if he jumps at them. Parkour, bro!

Chumlee announces that they should get their investigation underway, but the man running the armor shop, wearing a deeply ’70s brown zippered vest with brown and orange striping, greets Roxas and says, “Never thought you’d do such a rotten thing…” Well, it’s nice that the NPCs in town will apparently be incapable of talking about anything but this horrible theft. Keeps things simple. Roxas angrily denies that he stole anything, but the armorer just says, “Who else would steal that stuff?” If this guy is also missing photos, I’m now pretty sure Roxas crept into the bedrooms of everyone in town and pilfered their naked selfies. For…reasons. He’s going through a difficult time, okay?!

For his sake, I hope the thief stole his normal wardrobe.

The armorer won’t tell Roxas what he’s missing, but hisses that he should go ask at the accessory shop, on the other side of the street. A black screen later, the four teens are surrounding the proprietor, a woman with a blonde ponytail and a tank top over a t-shirt. Don’t worry, ma’am, Roxas is not interested in stealing your boobs, so keeping them out of sight is unnecessary. Since the first interview covered the movement tutorial, this one explains talking to people, which at least is handled differently in this game. The DIIG instructs me to follow “Reaction commands,” such as “Talk,” by pressing triangle once Roxas has sidled up to some Blabby Bob to steal his underwear and a big honking green triangle has popped into view. Whoa, I should press triangle when I see triangle? I don’t know if I can keep up with this.

Using this incredibly sophisticated maneuver, Roxas chats up the accessory lady, who sighs, “You used to be one of my favorite customers,” but he has fallen from her good graces because THIEVERY. How much did these people really know about Roxas if it took this one rumor to make them turn on him? “The woman at the candy shop is pretty disappointed, too,” she adds. OH NO, NOT HER! God, who cares. The four of them, per the script, stare in unison around the corner, at another establishment with neon lights shaped like taffy, lollipops, and cake. It should go without saying that I was expecting a windowless van with a “FREE CANDY THROUGH THE BACK DOOR” sign on a sandwich board.

The candy lady temporarily skips tutting Roxas, because she is missing her cat and demeaning tutorials trump repetitive dialogue. He glances up at the awning above her stall and spots the cat in question staring back down at him. This time Roxas has to move the camera with the right stick and lock onto the cat with R1. He doesn’t even do anything to get the cat down–I guess looking at it compels it to hop into his arms. Cats totally work like that, I hear. With the cat “safely” back down at ground level, the candy lady thanks Roxas, and even comes around to believing he and his friends are innocent. She explains that the thieves stole “Something important” from her, which is going to be so weird and hilarious when we get to what it was. “My —–. My precious —–,” she sighs. She had a custom candy mold for making gummi penises! That was her whole niche, you fucking monsters!

Just so we know that everyone is missing the same basic thing, and they have not been robbed of the ability to say multiple words, Hayner lets us know, “Looks like the culprit is going around stealing —–. And not just —–, but the word —–, too.” Pretty sure this is literally a Sesame Street segment. The letter P has been stolen! Quick, what starts with P? Speaking of penises, Olette picks up their earlier train of thought and wonders if Seifer might know what’s going on. Roxas is immediately all over this plan. “We gotta talk to him,” he says, trying to hide his giddiness. “C’mon, to the sandlot!” Oh my god, is Seifer a shirtless beach volleyball player in this game? Asking for a friend. Named…um…Coxas.

At the sandlot–which is just a courtyard in the midst of some tall buildings with a large octagon filled with sand, with no volleyball net to be found, siiiigh–the quartet finds three people staring at an empty bulletin board. Well, two people and one black mage. Sorry, Vivi, you are not a person. Go cry about it. Vivi looks nearly identical to his FFIX incarnation, except for some slightly more garish shoes and a creepy Oogie Boogie face on his hat with an open zipper for a mouth. ZIPPERS. The other two standing with Vivi, who turn around when Vivi hops in agitation and points at Team Roxas, are Fujin and Raijin, Seifer’s weird and sad cronies from FFVIII. But they are now tiny tweens with cuter clothes. And are named “Fuu” and “Rai” for some reason. Fuu points at the group and says, “Thieves.” Rai adds, “That was low, y’know!” Good to know the only defining characteristics these two ever had, other than taking turns blowing Seifer, are well intact.

Hayner goes, “Oh yeah?” in the lamest comeback ever, seemingly just so Seifer can reply, “Nice comeback there, blondie,” as he makes his entrance. Okay, first of all, you are also blond, Seifer. I know you’re working on the fly, but that’s pretty bush league. Second, daaaaaaaaaaaamn.