Baka announces that he’s going to beat up Zidane “for breakin’ the rules.” I don’t understand why Baka has such a fetish for beating the shit out of his underlings. I would have left long ago if I were Zidane.
The battle takes place in the cargo room. I realize they had to fill up 60 hours of gameplay, but this is ridiculous. Just go save the damn princess, already! Of course Zidane wins the fight. Afterward, Baka gives Zidane his blessing, and then walks off. Not that that was a pointless scene or anything.
Zidane goes outside. Then I realize that I went the wrong way. Zidane goes back inside and upstairs to Steiner’s room, teasing Steiner about playing with dolls. Thankfully, we can’t see exactly what was going on with the doll. Steiner starts wanking on some more about the whole situation being Zidane’s fault because he kidnapped Garnoa. Zidane says that he’s going to look for her, and that Steiner can come too, if he “promises to be good.” Then he calls Steiner “Rusty”, which will be Zidane’s nickname for him for the rest of the game. My nickname for him, however, comes from Steiner’s next line: “RR…RUSTY!!!? I am Adelbert Steiner, Captain of the Knights of Pluto, and I will never work with you conniving thieves!” Yes, he is now “Adelbert.”
Somewhere in FF8land, Squall becomes angry that Zidane stole his trademark line.
There’s some more banter and Zidane says that he wants to save Garnoa, and this isn’t a Tantalus plot. Long story less long – Adelbert agrees to help out, even though he still hates Zidane. God knows, we all needed to hear more of Adelbert’s blatherings about the princess. Adelbert suggests asking PUGGY!! to help as well. So they do. Adelbert is all respectful to PUGGY!! because of his awesome magical powers. But he still hates Zidane. In case we forgot that in the last minute. PUGGY!! is reluctant to go, because he’s a big chicken-wuss, but he finally agrees. After Zidane leaves the room, Adelbert asks PUGGY!! if he can try an “experiment” with his “black magic”. He bends down and starts whispering. I sure hope this isn’t anything dirty. I mean…that’s just wrong. “Magic sword…? Okay. I’ll give it a try.” I still don’t know if it’s dirty or not. I’m hoping not. PUGGY!! is a little kid, for crying out loud.
On the way out of the ship, Blank accosts Zidane and says, “Sheez…you really dig her, huh?” What would make you think that, Blank? The fact that they’re the main characters? The fact that she’s hot? Or maybe the fact that Zidane hasn’t shut up about her in the last ten minutes? Jeez, just let them go find her already. Zidane spouts some bullshit about not being able to leave a girl in danger. “Whatever. You’re full of crap,” both Blank and I say. Then Zidane has a line that makes Tidus look like a hot studmuffin. “You’re just jealous that I’m gonna get me a sweetie pie.” Sweetie pie? There is no way I would ever have sex with Zidane after that dialogue. Not that I could anyway, since he’s a video game character, but you get the point. Blank just brushes him off, and gives him some of the seed remover medicine.
There’s a tutorial of the “Hey, you dumbass, why do you need me to explain this to you?” variety from Blank regarding abilities. And then, Hallelujah, they all go off to save Garnoa. But first, they stop at the Strategically Placed Moogle outside. Through the wonders of Mognet, there is somehow a letter from Ruby to Zidane. Wow, that was fast. She says nothing of note, except that she met an interesting stranger, and she’ll tell Zidane more later. Wow, I can hardly wait.
Another ATE takes place during the trek to wherever the hell Garnoa is. This one is “Orchestra in the Forest”. It’s just the Prima Vista band playing the Rufus theme from Final Fantasy VII except that the motions are totally off with the music. Why do I keep watching these damn ATEs? Do I hate myself?
A couple screens later, which happens to be a monster-free area, complete with healing spring and Strategically Placed Moogle, there is yet another ATE. Please, God, whatever I did, I’m sorry. This one is entitled “Do As I Say, Not As I Do”, and I dearly hope it’s not something dirty. The word “do” in there twice kind of makes me leery. It’s Baka and Blank, having a conversation. Baka is asking Blank to do something, but what it is, I have no idea, because they started the ATE after the important part of the conversation. Baka gives Blank a map and says “It’s gonna be a long trip back to Lindblum…” I guess they’re parting ways. Baka tells Blank he’s counting on him. For what? I have no idea.
Back in real time, Zidane delivers a Mognet letter to the Strategically Placed Moogle. It’s some nonsense about Princess Garnoa possibly leaving home with a prince on a white horse. Oh, whatever. I guess that’s supposed to be Zidane. Bah. There’s another letter from Stiltzkin, the traveling moogle. He’s in a cold place that isn’t usually cold. There’s something strange going on. I don’t care yet. But I will later. Sort of.
Then we’re shown an FMV with a big, ugly, glowy, red, flowering plant. It’s evil. You can tell. And unless the game designers were smoking even more crack than usual, it has some significance. As in, it’s the next boss. Or, more accurately, the first boss. Sure enough, the cave in the next screen leads to the big, ugly, red, flowering plant, which, out of FMV mode, is less glowy. It also seems a lot closer to where Zidane and company were than the FMV would indicate. Ah well. The important thing is, Garnoa is there, and once they save her, everyone can shut up about her.
Of course Adelbert has to slip in yet another insult to Zidane. Because it would be a disgrace if “a mere bandit should rescue the princess.” Oh, whatever. Just rescue her, already. I predict that Adelbert and Zidane will be buddies by the end of the game.
Partway through the boss battle, Blank shows up. Ah, so that was the whole plan – for him to help Zidane. So he, uh, does. And they beat the big flower monster. As Adelbert holds the princess and shrieks over her, Zidane gives her the medicine. She’s still unconscious, of course, because she’s a wussy female. Suddenly, the earth shakes and a couple of new plant monsters jump out of a newly-opened hole in the ground. Everyone runs off like a bunch of pansies.
Some unfortunate foreshadowing for FFX
As some urgent-sounding music plays, the four of them try to escape the forest, with the inevitable monsters ambushing them along the way. Note to self: next time, heal after boss battle. Whoops. Zidane suddenly stops in the middle of the forest. When Blank asks him what the hell he’s doing, he says, “I’m trying to make Jeanne’s recap last longer by spouting some more inane dialogue.” What he actually says is, “The entire forest is coming after us. Blank….Take care of everyone.” Blank wonders what the hell he’s talking about. I don’t think we ever find out. In FMV mode, a huge swarm of the plant monsters chase the party, and one of them captures Blank. Zidane stops running, and Blank throws him the map Baka gave him earlier (hey, I guess that particular ATE made sense, after all!) just as the monsters all start turning to stone. Zidane dodges the evil vines that come after him, and makes it out of the forest just in time to see the entire forest turn to stone. We see that Blank has been turned to stone as well, still in the clutches of the evil plant monster. This is bad. There’s sad music, in case we didn’t realize that this is bad.
Zidane’s all upset because his friend is petrified (remember, though, this is Final Fantasy. Stone status is not necessarily permanent), but he can’t do anything.
The next scene is Zidane, PUGGY!!, and Adelbert sitting around a fire, with Garnoa still unconscious. They have the World’s Tiniest Tentâ„¢ set up, and I doubt even PUGGY!! could fit in it. It’s pretty sad. Adelbert acts like a total asshole to Zidane, AGAIN, and then Garnoa wakes up. Since Adelbert’s priorities go in this order: 1) Princess 2) Insulting Zidane, he immediately abandons his Zidane-bashing to show concern for Garnoa. She wonders how she got there, and asks Adelbert if he brought her there. Once again, the game designers assumed that we are all a bunch of drooling idiots, because Adelbert says, “It is my sworn duty to protect you at any cost.” I look at my keyboard, and contemplate banging my head against it. I don’t really feel like buying a new keyboard, so I decide not to. Then I look at my desk. Nah, it was too expensive to risk damage. Plus, there’s crap all over it. I’m out of luck. Then I spot a hardcover book.
Zidane says that he and PUGGY!! saved the princess. When she thanks them, Adelbert responds, “That monkey deserves no praise!” Well, Zidane does kind of look like a monkey, but Adelbert? We get it. You hate him. WE GET IT.
Heh heh, he said ‘snatch’, heh heh…
Garnoa finally explains to Adelbert that it was her decision to leave the castle. Zidane tries to make a truce with Adelbert, who takes offense at Zidane’s attempt at light-heartedness. He does a sudden transformation into Exposition!Adelbert. “Surely even you must know something about the Mist. The vicious monsters it spawns! The abnormalities it stirs in the mind and body!” Hey, the Mist sounds kind of like testosterone. Even though Adelbert wants to leave, Zidane says that Garnoa is in no condition to travel. Adelbert, with much shaking and growling, realizes Zidane is right.
Then, and I am not kidding, there is ANOTHER go-around of Adelbert saying he won’t follow Zidane and ANOTHER mention of Adelbert’s sworn duty, and….I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I have wasted an hour of my life reading the same dialogue over and over and over and over. And there’s a whole world out there to explore while I’m sitting here on my ass recapping this game. Why? Why do I do this? Am I a masochist? Maybe, but I sigh in relief as the scene ends with the happy nighty-night music.
The next morning (I’m guessing), Zidane is standing by the entrance to the forest as Garnoa approaches him. She says she’s feeling better, and asks about the forest. “Yeah, I was surprised, too,” Zidane replies. “After we beat that big plant-guy, the forest got completely petrified.” Ah, so that’s why. See, when you fuck with nature, bad stuff happens. Garnoa mentions that PUGGY!! filled her in on what happened to Blank. She doesn’t want to leave without helping him, but Zidane says although there’s nothing they can do at the moment, he’ll find a way to cure Blank.
“According to the map that Blank gave me, there’s a cavern to the south of us,” Zidane says, giving us our next destination. I see they’ve done away with the brackets around the colored text, which surprises me. Considering how fucking stupid they think we are so far, I’m surprised the text didn’t have flashing arrows pointing to it. Zidane thinks that the cave will take them above the Mist.
God dang, is everything getting off in this game?
At that moment, Monty, a Strategically Placed Moogle, shows up, triggering an ATE called “Teach me, Mogster!” This is a translation for “long-winded tutorial given by two moogles standing in a random swamp”. I’ll skip this part, except to say that there are some new status effects that really suck ass. Monty the SPM gives Zidane a flute that will allow him to call a moogle from anywhere on the world map. Not that you need to know this. Zidane, Garnoa, and PUGGY!! walk off. Then Adelbert wakes up and wonders where everyone went. Monty the SPM informs him that they left already. It’s supposed to be funny, but I’m so very tired.