Final Fantasy IX
Part 1
"IT’S NOT FINAL FANTASY VIII!!!!!"
This game was created for people who hated Final Fantasy VIII and its “new school” ways. They still managed to sneak a Rinoa/Tifa clone in there, but I don’t hear any fanboys complaining about that. There are more moogles than you can shake a stick at, and even a main character patterned after the Black Mage from Final Fantasy I. They didn’t go back to sprites, though, which is bound to piss off the old schoolers.
Part 2
"You hate me. You really hate me."
The game designers, God, and the entire universe show their hatred toward me in the form of the second hour of Final Fantasy IX. Did you know that it’s Steiner’s job to protect the princess? Or that he hates Zidane? Well, you will before the recap is over. Oh yeah, and there’s some stuff about escaping the Evil Forest, and the Ice Cavern, too.
Part 3
"PUGGY!! has a bad day."
There’s a nice little village where all is not as it seems, and they certainly beat us over the head with that fact. And the ATEs….oh, the ungodly number of ATEs. Even PUGGY!!, who is abducted and shoved in a box, is in less pain than I am after recapping this.
Part 4
"Who does No. 2 work for?"
The last two Winged PUGGY!!s attack in chronological order, and Garnoa is forced to become useful. Our heroes make it to Lindblum, only to realize that Regent Cid was a slimy bug, and so his wife turned him into a slimy bug.
Part 5
"Lindblum’s festival of the Hunt: People who look like animals killing animals"
Now that everyone’s safe and sound with Regent Cid in Lindblum, it’s time for Zidane and the others to show off their mad skills at the Festival of the Hunt, where walking rats, blondes with monkey tails and other folks spend their time running around town attempting to kill as many of the happy little forest creatures as possible in the name of family entertainment. Oh, take me back to the good old days of yore, where the best way to show your family a good time was a close-up of blood and guts on the sidewalk. And it seems that not one of the demi-humans is concerned that one of the happy little forest creatures might be in any way related to them. But wouldn’t it be great for the dramatic tension to hear a valiant hunter suddenly cry, “Holy crap! I just impaled Uncle Walt!” Maybe it’s just me. No, I don’t have an Uncle Walt, since you ask.
Part 6
"To Burmecia! …eventually"
Another year, another fine Festival of the Hunt enjoyed in jolly ole Lindblum. How sad that some little thing like an incipient war has to come along and spoil all the fun, but them’s the breaks. Speaking of spoiled, get ready for some more of Garnoa’s impassioned whining to the tune of “It sucks to be me!” I know you can’t wait.