There are also several other things that confuse me about this scenario. They have a theater ship, costumes, actors who know all the lines to a popular play, etc. Plus, they are performing for royalty, which I’m guessing your average theater company couldn’t just show up and do. It seems like quite a masquerade for a bunch of thieves, unless they are also an actual theater company. But if that were the case, then why did Baka refer to them as the “infamous” band of thieves, Tantalus? Infamous, as in everyone has heard of them. I could buy the whole “thieves and theater company” thing, but who has the time to do both? Anyway, it stinks of something the game designers thought up so they could have a bunch of cool play scenes.

Don’t hold back, tell us what you really think.

Anyway, back to the plan. After Blank distracts the audience, it’s up to Zidane to…here’s where I get two choices: “That’s when I kidnap Queen Brahne, right?” or “That’s when I kidnap Princess Garnet, right?” Of course I choose the wrong one. Closeup on Baka, holding up a big blue doll. “You bet! You’re gonna kidnap the fat-ass, butt-ugly Queen Br-What…what’m I saying?” Baka says as he throws the doll over his shoulder. Okay, that was actually kind of funny, despite the cliché of unattractive or overweight female characters always being portrayed as evil or the butt of “ugly” jokes. Baka isn’t really one to talk, being neither svelte nor hot. Maybe he should go on Ricki Lake as one of those 400 pound guys who are threatening to leave their 150 pound girlfriends unless they lose weight. Then some woman in the audience could stand up and say “Girlfriend, he’s telling you to drop the chalupa, but you need to drop the cha-loser!”

So then I make Zidane choose the right choice. This time, the response is “You bet! You’re gonna kidnap the most babe-ilicious beauty in all of Alexandria, Princess Garnet!”

Sudden cut back to movie-opening-credits FMV mode. The sky is all orange with sunset as we learn that Hiroshi Kuwabara was in charge of “Computer Graphics Movie” Pan down to a bunch of people walking past a statue, and another character stumbles into the screen. It’s a clone of the Black Mage from Final Fantasy I, complete with pointy hat and glowing eyes, except that he looks like he’s supposed to be young. If you listen closely you can hear the game designers screaming, “LOOK! We even went as far back as Final Fantasy I!!!!!!!!! We’re still old school! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT’S NOT FINAL FANTASY VIII!!!!!!!”

Little Black Mage looks up and his glowing headlight eyes spot the Tantalus ship flying overhead. The orchestral score crescendos as we see the shadow of the ship pass over the townspeople. More views of the ship flying into the sunset, and then a big close-up on a shiny pillar on top of the castle. The music transforms into a variation on the main Final Fantasy Theme and the camera pans out to show us the entire castle and the ship, as the main title appears (complete with cheesy Photoshop lens flare effect). Wow, Square has really been itching to make a movie all this time. Fade to black. Conceived and Produced by Hironobu Sakaguchi.

After a “short” load time, we’re back to main gameplay mode. It looks like the same city as in the movie, so it’s Alexandria, as some “location text” confirms. Little Black Mage reappears and is knocked to the ground by some assholes who aren’t watching where they’re going. A little girl who can’t pronounce the “r” sound picks up the ticket that LBM dropped and returns it to him. Apparently, LBM is on his way to see the play performed by the infamous band of actors. Now I’m in control of LBM. After the usual looting of houses and finding of random stuff in the street, LBM heads toward the ticket booth in the center of town. An ugly rat-like kid bumps into him and says “Get outta my way!” “Well, maybe if the game designers had programmed you better, you wouldn’t have to make a wide turn and run into me while I was standing still way over at the side of the screen, you little freak” LBM retorts. Not really.

There are lots of people with animal heads, and lots of people without animal heads. It seems to be the norm because no one is screaming “Hey, look at that weirdo with the friggin’ bird head!!!” or anything of the sort. There are also nobles, who of course have to be stuck-up assholes. In a bar, a Male Red Mage is drinking. Yet another nod to Final Fantasy I. Oh, they’re trying so hard.

In the square, I try the jump rope game, which, sadly, I suck at. No surprise, since it requires hand-eye coordination.

Finally, LBM reaches the ticket booth. The Ticketmaster (wow, they even had Ticketmaster way back then) tells LBM a bunch of stuff about Tantalus, the play, the Queen, and Princess Garnet. According to him, Tantalus are “star performers from Lindblum”. So I guess no one has put two and two together that “Tantalus the infamous band of thieves” and “Tantalus the famous theater company” are the same damn thing.

“I Want to Be Your Canary” is a play about the romance between a noble and a peasant. Gee, I wonder if this will tie in with the main male character of the game being a thief and the main female character being a princess. Might they end up falling in love? Oh, that would NEVER happen in a game. As for Queen Brahne, the ruler of Alexandria, the rumor is that she’s been acting strange lately. Once again, that’s never happened in a game before. Blah, blah, blah, Princess Garnet’s 16th birthday, blah, blah, blah, most beautiful princess in the history of Alexandria. Finally, LBM gives his ticket to the Ticketmaster. Surprise, surprise, it turns out to be a fake. LBM is very depressed, and the Ticketmaster gives him some Tetra Master cards. So in Final Fantasy VIII, it was Triple Triad, FFIX was Tetra Master, so in FFX it’s gotta be something like Penta….Cards? Some guy named Alleyway Jack can teach LBM more about the card game. Yay.

Dante the Signmaker is a prick.

That’s my hint to go into the alley, I guess. LBM trips about 10 feet from a guy who is putting up a sign. Apparently, this is enough of a disturbance that the guy drops the sign. “Blast it!” Dante the Signmaker yells. “Hey! You made me miss, you little klutz!” Dude, here’s a newsflash. If some kid tripping ten feet away causes you to fuck up your signmaking, it’s time to lay off the alcohol.

Dante the Signmaker fixes his work in about two seconds and then walks off. Cue the Rat Kid’s reappearance. He wants LBM to become his slave and in return, Rat Kid will help him watch the show. I make LBM agree because it’s one of those deals where no matter what you answer, eventually it forces you to pick a particular choice. Bastards. LBM’s first assignment as Rat Kid’s slave is to stand watch as Rat Kid steals Dante’s ladder. Hehe! Alleyway Jack shows up, and I choose not to go through the card tutorial for one reason: the card game sucks. Well, actually, I can’t say that. It might very well be the funnest game ever. The problem is, the cards have numbers, letters, and arrows on them, and all the tutorial says is “Hey, figure out the rules on your own.” Hey, fuck you. You made up the rules, you tell me how to play. Don’t give me a card with a bunch of random shit on it and expect me to do all the hard work.

Thanks.

Anyway, Rat Kid and LBM go into a building with a steeple. “It’s very dangerous. You go first.” Rat Kid says. Thanks, you little bitch. Sure enough, a moogle falls onto LBM’s head. It’s Kupo the Moogle, and he takes the time to explain the save system and mognet and stuff. It’s all about moogles. Rat Kid climbs the ladder while carrying the other ladder. I’m surprised he carried it himself. A moogle with a patterned cloak shows up and talks to Kupo. It’s Stiltzkin, the traveling moogle. I assume he’ll have some sort of significance later because otherwise I just wasted two minutes of my life watching this conversation. Rat Kid gets impatient and orders his slave to climb up.