A few screens later, the party emerges at the summit, where a loud hissing noise is heard. There’s a save point conveniently waiting just a few paces away, so I’m going to assume the phantom hisser is a nasty boss monster and not, like, a disgruntled cat or something. Although the latter possibility would be awesome — speaking from experience, my princess is more terrifying than any monster when someone tries to take her catnip mouse away.

Approaching a narrow bridge across a ravine, the party once again hears the ominous hissing noise. Having changed the batteries in his hearing aid this time, Tellah warns that he “feels something evil”. Would this unseen presence be on Golbez levels of evil, or is it just a common-or-garden variety evil creature? These are the kind of questions I need to ask as a recapper.

The mysterious presence stops hissing for a moment (maybe it was fucking up its throat) and whispers “I’m glad…glad indeed…to slay you all…” Cecilia freaks out, asking who’s there, and the unseen enemy kindly agrees to finally show itself. Doom midi music blares out and the screen flashes purple a few times (fabulous!) before a robed figure flickers into view. Wait for it — it’s Gyftyd! Yes, our favourite indigo child has returned from beyond the grave, seeking vengeance on the one who promised, and failed, to protect her.

Just kidding! Hey, I was only trying to relieve some of the predictability. Okay, so the robed figure is actually — surprise! — Milon. Curiously, he’s now wearing a purple robe as opposed to the brownish-red one he was sporting in his last scene. Since RPG characters change their clothes about as often as I finish a recap, this strikes me as a little odd, but I’m not prepared to waste valuable time speculating about it here. Fanwank to your heart’s content.

“Well, Hello,” Milon charismatically introduces himself. “I am Golbez’s Fiend of Earth, Milon!” Why do I get the feeling he read that off a cue card? “Now! Meal time for my monsters!” he finishes, dragging the party into a totally-unexpected boss encounter. When the battle screen pops up, I become even more baffled than I already was — Milon’s robe has inexplicably changed colour yet again, now being a muted shade of cream. Seriously, WTF? I know I shouldn’t be so bothered by this, especially as the game designers already have form for this kind of thing and the wardrobe of an inconsequential villain doesn’t even crack the Top 10 of my issues with this game, but it still irks me. Maybe I just need to get laid out more.

As Golbez so kindly hinted earlier, Cecilia’s attacks do diddly squat to Milon and his troupe of zombie companions, so the bulk of this battle falls on the shoulders of the three mages in the group. Phil and Lil team up to cast Flare with their awesome “Twin” ability, and Tellah mops up with a liberal sprinkling of Cure2. The end.

God, Milon was even more of a failure than I’d expected — and that truly is saying something. After healing the wounds inflicted by the one attack he’d managed to get in, the party makes its way across the rickety bridge to the neighbouring outcrop, where a curiously-phallic pillar sits tantalizingly out of reach. But what’s this? Milon’s disembodied voice booms out again, crowing “Well done. But, my true strength lies in death, and with it I drag you all to the abyss!” Well, I guess his villainous monologues are improving a little — I mean, that line was practically Shakespearean compared to the rest of the dialogue in this game — but he still isn’t exactly setting the screen on fire yet. Maybe another change of appearance will facilitate his badassery?

This time, Milon — in the form of a horned, primate-like demon, and with the curious addition of a ‘Z’ to his name — jumps the party from behind, meaning that those well-known powerhouses, Tellah and the twins, are stuck in the front row. Shit. Even with this cheap trick, Milon Z goes down like Shion after a shot of tequila. God, I hope the other three Elemental Fiends are less of a pushover than this guy. He even gets the “badder than a regular boss” music, like even the game designers are trying to convince themselves that he’s a contender. It’s just embarrassing, really.

After their epic battle, Milon Z has magically dropped the ‘Z’ and has changed back into his purple robe. You know what? I just don’t care anymore. He could fight Cecilia for the third time, dressed in a pink tutu and five-inch heels, and I wouldn’t have the energy to comment on it, so let’s just get on with the scene. I guess Milon slips on his own ineptitude or something, because he suddenly falls off the bridge with a cry of “GRRRR-BAAH!”, complete with comical “Oh shit I just fell off a bridge” sound effect. Quite a fitting end to his character, I should think.

Terracotta/purple/cream-coloured thorn no longer in his side, Cecilia takes a moment to examine the penis pillar in more detail. The pillar, standing behind a semi-circle of smaller pillars, has a rather remarkable design feature: there’s some kind of door set into the middle of it, which has a rounded head and a weird slit near the top. The implication of this, of course, is that the pillar seems to be a penis within a penis. My mind is officially blown. Now, we all know that Squeenix would later revisit the penis-in-a-penis scenario, but that was kind of to be expected in a crack-fuelled game like Chrono Cross — I can only imagine what the pure, unsullied fanboys of 1991 thought when they were presented with this visual.

As Cecilia examines the penis door, the adventurous Mt. Ordeals music abruptly changes to a discordant piano piece, which should be our first major clue that this isn’t just a phallic decoration. “My son…” yet another disembodied voice calls out. Good grief, does anyone in this game actually introduce themselves by normal means? I’d probably start getting a reputation if I announced my arrival through a loudspeaker every time I entered a room. Cecilia understandably freaks out when he hears the voice, but before he gets the chance to respond, he and the rest of the group are sucked inside the penis pillar. The interior is pretty unremarkable, save for two more phallic pillars standing to attention on either side of the tile Cecilia warps onto. Jesus, even Squall didn’t see this many dicks in one place when Seifer took him to that SeeD dorm party.

For a moment, I expect the two new penis pillars to break apart and reveal yet more penis pillars — kind of like phallic Russian dolls — but instead I get another box of vaguely-mysterious text from Mr Invisible. “I’ve been waiting,” he declares. “Sorrow fills me. I shall entrust you with my power…and grieve that no other way remains.” Uh, that’s nice and everything, but who the fuck are you again? Cecilia steps forward and sees a vast wall of mirrored tiles, in which his apparent reflection appears — but not those of his fellow party members. OMG, they must be vampires! Actual vampires, not those sparkly emos all the youngsters are into.

Suddenly, the reflection vanishes and the mirrors cloud over, before a sword appears from thin air and lowers itself into Cecilia’s outstretched hand. An immature person would undoubtedly point out at this stage that the sword is yet another phallic symbol — a penis inside a penis inside a penis, if you will — but I am obviously above such puerile observations, so I won’t. When Cecilia grips the shaft of the blade, the screen flashes yellow a few times and a circle of stars spirals into his body, heralding a sudden and hilarious costume change — gone is the fearsome blue armour of the Dark Knight, replaced by shiny white armour and flowing, platinum-blonde locks…with lilac highlights. I have no words. Well, I do have one — GAY.

As Tellah and the twins stare open-mouthed at their leader’s flamboyant new look, Mr Invisible exclaims “Part from your past! Conquer your darkness within!” If I can digress from the intense emotion of the dialogue for a moment, this whole scene kinda seems like a metaphor for someone coming to terms with his sexuality — upon entering a chamber within a phallic monument, he faces himself in the mirror and grips his weapon, and then, once he’s accepted who he truly is, is free to shake off the cumbersome armour of fake heterosexuality that hid and restricted his true, fabulous self. Wow, I love this theory — in fact, I’m going to put it all down in a plot analysis and submit it to GameFAQs! Yes, I know the true meaning of the scene is supposed to be Cecilia facing up to his past misdeeds as a Dark Knight, but come on — you can’t tell me the gay makeover and multitude of phallic symbols were put in by accident.

“If you can’t overcome your past self, the sacred power of Light will not accept you!” Mr Invisible pep-talks from wherever the hell he is — the ether? I don’t know. What he really means is that Cecilia must fight a boss battle against a manifestation of his past closeted self, complete with Dark Knight armour and shadow attacks. The key to this fight is to not attack at all — Cecilia’s repressed former self just evaporates after a few turns of defending. Well, that was cinematic, I guess. Having proven himself as a queen Paladin, Cecilia listens as Mr Invisible gushes “Receive the last Light left in me! My son! Stop Golbez!” Translation: “My son, I don’t care if you’re gay, straight or bi — I’d love you no matter what. Now, get out there and get some cock.”

Triumphant music blares out as we get official confirmation of Cecilia’s class change. Mr Invisible’s voice fades away, causing Cecilia to note how familiar it sounded and wonder aloud who it belonged to. “Uh, the fact that he called you MY SON should be a big fucking clue” someone in the party should say, but they’re all too busy fawning over his lavender hair and pristine cape. For no apparent reason, Tellah remembers all of his forgotten spells at this point, including Meteor. I have no idea why Cecilia’s coming-out party was the catalyst for his memory returning, but hey, that’s what polls are for!

For some reason, Phil & Lil decide to take the opportunity to tell Cecilia that the elder sent them to spy on him, but Tellah interrupts, all “Okay, let’s go and smoke Golbez’s ass now.” The rest of the party exits the chamber, presumably through the penis door, leaving Cecilia to admire his reflection for about five minutes. Yes, you look fabulous, honey. Work it.

Back outside, I pull up the menu screen and notice two things. First, Cecilia’s new avatar isn’t exactly as pretty as his new character design would have us believe — the lilac highlights have been coloured all wrong! Second, the asshat game designers have, in their infinite wisdom, reduced his level to 1. Yes, you read that correctly — having been a cool Level 21 upon entering the penis pillar, coming to terms with his love of dick dark past has somehow also erased all the experience he’d previously gained in battle. Fortunately, I know of a great grinding spot close by (and believe me, as someone who hates grinding, I shuddered typing that), so I’ll be able to circumvent this dickish move by the game designers. I’m still allowed to be pissed off about it, especially since it makes no sense whatsoever in relation to the story — what, you change your class and instantly forget everything you learned in the old one? Thank fuck they didn’t apply the same logic to the next game in the series.

Winding their way back down the mountain, Cecilia and the others run into several random battles, which are made considerably easier by the fact that Cecilia can now actually inflict damage on the undead with his sword attacks. Because we’re in FFIV land, and in FFIV land battle sprites don’t match up to field sprites or character art, Cecilia has blue hair during battle. When it comes to such inconsistencies, I’ve already said it all and you’ve already heard it all, so I’ll be nice and move on.