We now, inexplicably, receive a helpful recap of a conversation that occured ten minutes ago; Tellah repeats that his beloved daughter ran off to Damcyan with a good-for-nothing bard because Tellah condemned their relationship. WE ALREADY KNOW THIS. Jesus Christ. I’m tempted to blame this act of insulting the gamers’ intelligence on the fact that this is FFIV EasyType and everything, but then I remember that, over a decade later, countless games are still doing this. The dialogue continues with Tellah enquiring as to why Cecilia is headed for Damcyan, to which Cecilia replies that his “friend” (note — “friend”, not “girlfriend”! OMG EVIDENCE!) is suffering from a “terrible fever” (which is nothing compared to the terrible bile I feel rising in my throat whenever she’s around) and that he needs to find a member of Damcyan royalty in order to retrieve the SandRuby. After a short exchange regarding the vicious monster that guards the passage ahead (apparently it has eight huge tentacles), Tell and Cec finally go to sleep. Scene!
After a few more repetitive cavernous areas, Cecilia and Co. emerge from the pass onto the overworld map, which allows them to rest and save (already) before entering yet another branch of the Watery Pass and confronting the much-feared monster. Via a waterfall and countless tunnels, the party finally locates the monster, all that can be seen of whom are two flapping tentacle-like appendages. After readying their weapons (and, in Gyftyd and Tellah’s case, hopping to the back row), they literally dive into battle. Just before the Pixelly Transition God does his thang, six more fleshy tentacles rise from the depths and entrap Cecilia. Things aren’t looking good here. In fact, I have a feeling this may take more than one attempt.
Hmm, I wonder what Mr. Monster Designer was smoking on the day he created this?
Okay, maybe not. After two minutes of abusing the ‘Chocb’ and ‘Lit1’ spells, the…ahem…colourful Octomamm is reduced to seafood soup. With that exceedingly challenging battle over, Cecilia and his merry magicians are finally free to leave this waterlogged hellhole and get to Damcyan.
Oh, if only things were that simple. As the welcome sight of Damcyan Castle comes into view, a fleet of Baron airships promptly flies past and obliterates it in the space of a few seconds. Shit. This trip is just going from bad to worse, isn’t it? As Cecilia enters, and begins to explore, what’s left of Damcyan, we learn from a dying soldier that “they took the Crystal”. What, they managed to snag one of the remaining Crystals without ever disembarking from their airships a thousand feet up? That’s some powerful technology right there, only matched by their super-turbo engines that allow them to circle the entire world in ten seconds. It’s enough to make you wonder why the fuck they even need the damn Crystals in the first place.
Well, I guess that answers my previous question.
A few floors up, the party stumbles upon a red-haired girl looking very…well, dead. Unfortunately for Tellah, this is Anna. As Tellah wails over the body of his daughter, another, considerably more alive, young lady enters from the right of the screen, resplendent in a lilac robe, a feathered cap and enough silky blonde hair to make Rapunzel spontaneously combust with envy. Who could this young damsel be, I wonder? A friend of Anna’s, perhaps?
My curiosity is sated when Tellah spies the young maiden and yells “You’re the bard! You did this to her!” Huh? Tellah never mentioned Anna being a lesbian. Ah, of course, he must be homophobic, hence her being forced to elope with this young beauty. What a shame it had to end like this, all because of Tellah’s intolerance. It’s almost enough to bring a tear to my eye. A distraught Tellah, unable to accept that his attitude towards her sexuality inadvertently resulted in Anna’s death, charges forward and engages her poor lover in battle.
Tellah takes a few wild swings at the poor bard, who just manages to avoid getting her ass handed to her. She pleads with him to listen to her, but his response is to flail his staff around some more before uttering the phrase which is just edged into 2nd place by “All your base are belong to us!” as the most over-quoted example of Engrish in history. You all know what it is, so there’s no point in me recapping it. However, should you wish to refresh your memory, simply cast your eyes over to the ol’ pink box and all shall be revealed.
Speaks for itself, really.
Tellah’s rage is only abated when he hears the voice of Anna pleading with him to stop. Okay, I guess she isn’t completely dead yet. The pseudo-battle ends, and we plunge headfirst into a tear-jerking scene. They really should put up a warning before showing these things. Anna wastes no time in telling her ol’ pop that her girlthing really isn’t a bad person: “Father, Edward is the prince of Damcyan! He was disguised as a bard when he came to see me in Kaipo. Forgive me for running away!”
What. “Edward”? “Prince”? “He”? Surely these are yet more translation errors. It is undoubtedly, categorically, 100% impossible for this person to have a penis. I point-blank refuse to believe that this elfin figure produces testosterone. I mean, this must be one of those crazy ‘woman-dressed-as-man-dressed-as-woman’ deals, right? Right?! As the conversation continues, however, it becomes apparent that Edward is indeed — allegedly — male. Okay, I can just about accept that someone as pretty as Edward could be a man. But, if that were the case, I suspect that such a man would be rather fond of Cher and The Golden Girls, if you follow me. Take it from a gay man; Edward may be male, but he almost certainly isn’t straight. Looks like poor Anna didn’t really know him at all.
After a cursory glance, Cecilia decides that he isn’t interested; he likes his men to actually, you know, look like men, and this closeted fairy simply can’t hold a candle to TBBM. Meanwhile, Edward tries to divert attention from his obvious ‘flamboyance’ by revealing that a man named Golbez was commanding the Baron forces. Nobody, least of all Cecilia, seems to know who the hell this guy is, but he obviously isn’t A Good Guy if he’s going around bombing countries for the sole purpose of collecting shinies. I’m sure there’s a Bush joke in there somewhere, but I’ll let it slide. Anna pipes up that, because she that cruel.
A moment of comedy gold now occurs when Edward, crying his li’l heart out, is called a “crybaby” by Gyftyd. What with all the death and the tragic music, I don’t think it’s supposed to be funny, but come on — it’s Edward being bitched out by an infant girl. What’s not to laugh at? Stunned by her outburst, Edward admits he’s a coward, but declares that he’s staying here with Anna’s body for all eternity. Which, ew, is more than a little creepy. Cecilia thinks so too, judging from the mighty bitchslap he now gives Edward. This scene just gets better and better. However, it looks like Princess Edward is Cecilia’s only means of obtaining the SandRuby, so he has no choice but to reluctantly welcome him into the party. Hopefully he’s only a temporary addition, like Tellah.
With the use of the Damcyan Royal Family’s hovercraft, the party can cross the shallows and reach the Antlion’s Cave. Despite the overall suckiness of my battle party, I breeze through the cave easily, which definitely wasn’t the case when I attempted to play the hard-type version of this game. Maybe that was because of my non-L337 skillz, or, alternatively, because game designers are sadistic arseholes. You know, having to level-up for an hour just to stand a fighting chance of completing the next area kinda negates the fun factor, which I assumed was the whole point of this videogames thing. Then again, I’ve never completed Silent Hill in under 30 minutes or attempted a No Levelling, No Junctioning, No GF playthrough of FFVIII, so what the hell do I know about fun?
Upon reaching the Antlion itself, Edward assures Cecilia and Gyftyd that the creature is completely tame. But, wouldn’t you know it, the beast attacks as soon as Edward moves to take the SandRuby. One quick boss battle later, the Ruby is in the group’s possession as they hot-foot it all the way back to Kaipo. I’ll spare you all the details of the return trip, especially the multiple occasions when I got lost. I blame the hovercraft, personally.
Back in Kaipo, Cecilia reluctantly dawdles rushes to Rinosa’s bedside and holds the SandRuby over her. The light from the stone immediately cures whatever illness she may have had, prompting her to launch into a fit of exposition. Apparently, the mysterious Golbez was employed by King Wanker, but is now using the King as a puppet in order to collect the four Crystals. Looks like someone has a serious shiny fetish. Only two crystals remain, the nearest being in Fabul, which can only be reached by crossing the treacherous Mt. Hobs. And, just to make matters that little more awkward, a thick layer of ice currently blocks the mountain path. Hmm, if only we knew someone with the Fire spell. Rinosa assumes that Gyftyd must know said spell, being gyftyd gifted in magic and all. However, Gyftyd vehemently denies this, which may or may not have something to do with the event of her entire village being burnt to the ground. In fairness to her, I probably wouldn’t feel like throwing fireballs around either. Rinosa is ready to leap out of bed and set off for Mt. Hobs, but Cecilia insists that she needs more rest. What follows is some hogwash from Edward about how Cecilia and Rinosa NEEED to be together, blah blah. Unfortunately for Cecilia (and me), there’s nothing he can do to prevent Rinosa from shoving her way into the party. Okay, let’s get this straight — currently ‘assisting’ Cecilia are a pre-pubescent girl, a clingy healer and a pre-op transsexual whose only skill is singing. Surely this ‘team’ must be in the running for the ‘Worst Party Ever’ award? Just throw in the obligatory non-human comic relief character, and victory is certain.
Time for a cutscene. Picture it: night, exterior of Kaipo. Edward makes his way to the water’s edge and begins to play his harp (which, incidentally, doubles as his weapon in battle). As he loses himself in the music, the Pathetic Prince doesn’t notice a ‘Water Hag’ monster sneaking up behind him. As the battle screen pops up, I wonder how the fuck I’m going to keep Edward alive long enough for him to even get a single hit on the monster. I needn’t have worried; the spirit of Anna drops by (I shit you not) and convinces Edward to believe in himself. This gives him the strength to slay the creature, something which, I’ve no doubt, would have ordinarily been impossible without divine intervention. After the fight, Anna begins to float out across the water. Edward begs her not to leave him (who else can he find to act as his girlfriend?) but she simply makes him promise to stop Golbez from claiming the Crystals. “You loved me,” she declares (even in death, the poor girl’s still deluded), “Now give your love to all of your people.” With that, she disappears, leaving Edward wailing “What will I do now?” Continue to annoy the everloving shit out of everyone you come into contact with, I’d wager.
Loading ...Next morning. As the Party of Suck makes its way to Mt. Hobs, I find myself dragged into countless random battles; nothing new there. However, something draws itself to my attention — namely, Rinosa’s hair. Her battle sprite clearly has brown hair, while her avatar’s hair is a dirty-blonde colour. To make things even more inconsistent and mind-boggling, her field sprite is platinum-blonde. Seriously, WTF? It warms the heart to know that the game designers don’t even worry about little details such as keeping their characters’ appearance consistent.
Hair issues aside, that’s it for this recap. But tune in next time (which, hopefully, won’t be another three years from now) to experience adventures in Mt. Hobs and beyond! Maybe by then I’ll be able to play this game for more than an hour without the risk of my brain melting.