The remaining four Reptites regroup and advance on the party. Two ice spells and two lightning spells later, they are dead, and the Blonde rolls back onscreen. As she stops in front of Punk and assumes her battle stance, M!Sue shakily asks the Blonde what she wants. M!Sue interrupts herself with a scream as the Blonde launches herself at Punk. The two gyrate against the wall for far too long, until the Blonde detaches herself from Punk’s jock for long enough to make with the introductions.
Madam, I hardly know you!
“You strong. What name?” She demands, and before anybody in the party can say anything, she continues, “Punk, huh? Good name. Me? Me…” which signals a subtle shift into the Name-a-Character screen. After a few moments, I decide on Babs, because “Ayla” (the default) is totally rocking the Barbie/Barbara Eden hair and skin, but also because the Blonde just seems to fit the “matriarch that everybody listens to otherwise she’ll go upside your head with a wooden spoon” profile, and Barbara-call-me-Babs always struck me as one of those names.
“Me Babs. Babs like strong people. So Babs like Punk!” Babs explains after we return from the Name-a-Character screen. M!Sue, fearing that her man might leave her for some Prehistoric Chick, yells for Punk to get away from Babs, and Rosie, thinking that her deciphering skills might still be needed, reiterates: “I think she likes you, Punk.” Sigh. Babs also notes that M!Sue and Rosie are strong too, and adds that she respects strong people, “men and women.” Those crafty game designers, covering their asses like that. It seems so natural that a woman would have to point out that she respects women. Seamless blending.
Babs asks Punk where they are all from which, naturally, pushes the Trio into a rough spot. Rosie takes it upon herself to explain that the Trio is from “way after the day after tomorrow,” and Babs just laughs in response. Poor Rosie.
Regardless of where the Trio is from, Babs says that she wants to take them home and have a big party to celebrate their strength or something. Rosie says that they’d love to but can’t, on account of the fact that they’re still looking for the Dreamstone to fix the Masamune, but Babs misunderstands her and tells Rosie that there are stones everywhere – including the village – so they can just pick some up there. And just like that, Babs takes off running, leaving the Trio to chase after her.
The chase leads the Trio through a valley full of dinosaurs and fuzzy lamb monsters, and after much hack and slash, they emerge on the world map. After their eyes adjust to the Technicolor surroundings of Prehistoria, the Trio explores the assortment of “Ioka Hut” wigwams dotting the landscape. The NPC’s here are all very tropical-looking and speak in broken English, which just strikes me as odd. I mean, if they have to speak English, wouldn’t they just speak some simpler, yet complete, form of it? It’s not like articles just evolved into the language after 35 million years of use. I don’t know. It’s not really a big deal, it’s just weird.
In the Chief’s hut is Babs, getting her calisthenic workout by doing one of those strange “walking in place” numbers you see in sprite RPG’s every once and awhile. When the Trio talks to her, she says that they need to get “ready for party” and leads them back out the door.
Suddenly, it’s nighttime!
The entire village has gathered around a bonfire to party like it’s 65,001,999. The camera pans up the center of the circle of dancing cave men to center on Babs so she can kick off the festivities. She introduces “Strong man. Punk!” and “Friends of Punk. M!Sue, [Rosie]!” to the tribe, and all the tribe members cry out constipated groans in reply.
Too much Dinosaur meat. Not enough fiber.
After the little introduction, Punk is free to wander around the party and talk to people. When he talks to Rosie, she exclaims that the cave people are “twisting [her] arm” and starts stuffing her face with an assortment of raw animals. M!Sue comments that the party is fantastic and heads out to talk to the dancing cave people. Punk follows M!Sue out towards the bonfire to strike up conversation with the locals. Mostly, they all talk about their weird-ass music and its weird ass lyrics, but one BLONDE young man named Kino flattens his hair, which is sprite for looking dejected, and marvels that Babs threw a party for outsiders.
After talking to everybody once, Punk heads back to Babs to talk to her again. This time, she asks if he tried the “Jurassic Pork soup” and tells him about Azala, leader of the Reptites. From what I can decipher, Babs leads the Ioka villagers in the fight against Azala and the Reptites, and Laruba is the village of non-violent cave people. Azala wants to kill the Ioka and Laruba villagers ‘cuz he’s eeeeeeevil. But once she’s done expositing, Babs tells Punk to get back to partying, so I’ll just tuck all those pieces of information away for later.
Rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?
Punk makes another round through the party, dancing with M!Sue and chugging a bowl of Poi spooned up by Rosie, and then talks to Babs again. The Warrior Princess asks Punk if he’s looking for a red rock, which is true, considering the name of this chapter in the game is “The Rare, Red Rock,” but how does she know that? She thought we were looking for stones like, fifteen minutes ago. Maybe Rosie told her. Whatever. Anyway, Babs pulls a red rock larger than her head from somewhere within the depths of her fur bikini and tells Punk that the “rare, red rock sign of power.” And since Babs is the toughest mutha in the village, it’s hers, and if Punk wants it, he needs to challenge her. Easy enough.
But wait, there’s more! Since this is a party, Babs suggests that she and Punk settle their differences by seeing who can down more bowls of soup the fastest. I know that’s what my friends and I do at our parties. …Well, it’s actually not that far off, but that’s another story.
So then, soup race. Babs and Punk square off with a big bowl apiece, and their own personal man-servants to refill their bowls as they empty. The object of this minigame is to mash “X” as much as I can to drink faster than Babs does. Luckily, I’ve been practicing my drinking games at the fair, and Punk bests Babs. She congratulates him and the two drink another bowl of soup to their health as the screen fades to black.
The morning after. Punk, M!Sue, and Rosie are strewn about the screen, still sleeping. Also strewn about the screen are a multitude of three-toed footprints and the remnants of last night’s food. I bet the heat and humidity have mingled with the raw food to create a truly wonderful aroma. Mmmm, boy.
Punk wakes up, blinks a few times, raises his arms (read: stretches), and saunters over to rouse Rosie from her hangover. To Punk’s assumed greeting of: “Wake up, sleepy head!” Rosie responds, “What? Liar! I was a perfect lady last night! But why does my tummy hurt so…?” She’s clearly disoriented, so Punk leaves her to wake M!Sue. After both ladies have been awakened, Rosie notices the footprints everywhere and also discovers that the BBP Wand has been stolen, probably by the same person who made the tracks.
Rosie suggests that the Trio go visit Babs to help them bring down the hammer, and they whisk away to Babs’s hut. The Glamorous Lady in question is snoring on top of a bearskin rug, and takes quite a long time to shake off the effects of last night’s partying. When Babs finally regains her senses, Rosie tells her that they’ve been robbed. Babs jumps to attention and says that it must have been the Reptites. She tells Punk to pick a third character to come with so they can settle things with the Reptites. Bye, M!Sue.
Babs suggests that the Trio check with the villagers to see if anybody knows anything. As luck would have it, the very first kid the Trio talks to knows exactly where the Reptites went. S/he suggests that the Trio head south to the “Forest Maze” to track them down, but before that, Punk tries to buy some new equipment from an old man in the Trading Hut.
In 65,000,000 BC, the only way to get new items is to trade a combination of four of the items the Prehistoric monsters drop (Petal, Fang, Horn, and Feather) to get a new weapon or piece of armor. The old man tells Punk what’s up for trade, and I’m amazed to see that there are guns and robot parts among his wares! I mean, having them in 600 AD is one thing, but it hardly even seems out of place when confronted with the same problem in 65 freaking million BC. So now, 65,000,000 BC will be called the Anachronistic Era, because really, that’s what it is. More so than the others, at least.
Well, that “Ruby Gun” and a few “Ruby Vests” are looking pretty tempting, so I send the Trio north of Ioka to the Hunting Grounds, where all you have to do to be rolling in Petals, Fangs, Horns, and Feathers is beat the snot out of everything you see. Sometimes it rains, which means that a purple “Nu” monster has appeared in one of three locations, and if you can find and beat him, you’ll be showered in Swag and Exp.
Sometime later, the Trio emerges much stronger, their pockets bulging with trading items. After getting new equipment from the Trader, Punk sells the old equipment to another random guy in the Trading Hut, one that offers to “Trade your shiny stone?!” Turns out the Anachronistic Cave Men had money all along. So, the point of trading would be…? You know what, I give up. Let’s just go to the damn Forest Maze already.
Rough Love.
As we learned before, the Forest Maze is to the south, and when the Trio enters, Kino is sitting in the middle of the path, conveniently blocking the entrance. When Punk talks to Kino, Babs pushes forward and demands to know what Kino did. Kino does his dejected hair pose and, after some prodding from Babs, admits that he stole the BBP Wand because he was jealous of Punk. Kino “like[s] Babs best,” after all. That’s caveman for Luuuuuurve. Babs returns Kino’s sentiment with an open-handed slap to the face. The conversation goes on for a little longer, and we learn that Babs likes Kino best too, except when he does bad stuff, and BORING! the Reptites stole the BBP Wand from Kino and ran through the Forest Maze. Kino heads back to the Chief’s Hut to await his spanking from Babs as the Trio forges ahead.
Despite the name “Maze,” the Forest Maze is just like any other dungeon, except there is more than one way to get to the end. Not only that, but by sticking to the outsides of the path, the Trio can avoid, like, every battle but two. Easy. After a few minutes, the Trio emerges from the Forest Maze outside of the Reptite Lair, a small mountain/cave surrounded by the Forest Maze.
I’m sure you all are dying to find out if the Trio regains the BBP Wand or has to stay in the Anachronistic Era forever, but that’ll just have to wait for next time, because I’m spent. I hope Magus doesn’t decimate the Middle Ages while all this stuff is going down, because we finish fixing the Masamune next recap too, and I really want to see him get skewered on it. Until then!