Anyway, Masa and Mune decide that this time they mean business, so we move into the second phase of their test to snag the sword. But what two-part battle would be complete without an unnecessary form change?

The twins pull apart from each other, leaning away, yet still looking at each other. “With Masa’s bravery,” Masa wanks, “and Mune’s knowledge,” Mune continues, “Two become one!”

With Ryan’s perversion, and Ryan’s Butch Lesbian Alter Ego’s knowledge of pop music, this is the most thinly veiled homoerotic comment that references a Spice Girls song ever. And believe me, I’ve seen my share of thinly-veiled homoerotic comments that reference Spice Girls songs. I’m like, the freaking leader in the field. Or something.

So, Masa and Mune activate their Wonder Twin Powers and melt into each other. A black BBP type effect engulfs them and replaces the two Goblin sprites with one huge golden blob that is vaguely reminiscent of an overstuffed Mr. Popo with horns and no clothes. But honestly, is there anybody out there that hasn’t played this train wreck of a game and actually needs that crazy description?

Whereas Masa and Mune specialized on many quick weak attacks, “Masamune” is much slower but has very strong attacks, so this battle proves to be a little more challenging. Lucca and M!Sue beat on him with Antipode when M!Sue isn’t healing, and Punk uses his Slash attack to counteract M&M’s Whirlwind attack, and eventually the brute is defeated. He explodes back into the cute little children we know and love, and Mune wonders if the Trio will fix them and find them an owner. Well, damn, I was just gonna sell the damn thing on eBay, but I guess his idea is a good one too.

The kids run to the sword, which is still sunk hilt-deep into the ground, and merge with it. The sword turns into beams of light, floats into the air, and comes to a rest on the ground at the Trio’s feet. When it reforms, it is suddenly the bottom half of the sword, and only the bottom half. Lucca notices that it looks like the sword has been broken for ages and Punk pockets the “Bent Sword.” Masa offers to help the Trio ride the tunnel of wind at the back of the cave to the base of the mountain. The wind scoops up the party and chucks them out the top of the mountain. They all crash into the ground and die. The end.

Of course, the fall didn’t really kill the party, so they just keep on trucking down to Porre and to Tata’s house. Inside, the Trio finds the little boy from the mountain. When he sees the party, he confesses to not really being the Legendary Hero, and forfeits the Hero Medal. Whoo.

Well, with two fabulous new hero-related items in tow, the only thing left to do is go present them to Frog to see if he’ll quit writing his loser poetry and join the goddamn party already. So, the Trio dashes over to Frog’s Forested Pad and presents him with the Broken Sword and the Hero Medal.

Frog is flabbergasted when Punk tries to give him the Hero Medal, saying only that the Legendary Masamune is required to beat Magus, and that he has no right to wield it. Frog, buddy, a little tip from us at home. Get over yourself already, drama queen. Anyway, showing Frog the Hero Medal is the trigger to activate the next part of the story, so he begrudgingly moves away from that acorn chest we couldn’t open earlier. Said chest starts to sparkle, and a neon marquee emerges from the wall flashing the words, “YOU HAVE WON OUR HOURLY PRIZE!! CLICK JEN LOPEZ TO CLAIM YOUR WINNINGS!!! OPEN ME!!” and confetti falls from the ceiling.

Somehow, Punk figures out to open the chest, and when he does, a Hilt pops out and entrenches itself into the floor. Before anybody can react, Lucca’s eyes turn red, and, frothing at the mouth, she throws Punk and M!Sue out of the way and makes for the sword. Like a bloodhound on a fox, she sets into a vicious fit of exposition.

“A broken sword… It’s part of the Masamune!” she creams. As Lucca examines the broken sword, she becomes even more excited when she finds archaic script running along the blade. “Like, OMG, I can totally read this million year old text!” she marvels. Nobody is impressed, because, duh, of course Lucca can do anything that connects to being smart. I honestly think that Lucca is supposed to be the character that balances out all the clingy, brainless females in RPGS. Go forth and be smart, Lucca, championess of the Feminist movement!

So, after examining the sword for… five seconds, tops, Lucca is able to decipher the runes running along the blade. In light of the mad deciphering and fervent elevation of women’s status, I believe we’ve finally found a suitable nickname for Lucca. She will now be Rosie. Like the Rosetta Stone. And like the Riveter (and feminist icon). Damn, I’m good.

Anyway, back to the deciphering. Rosie discovers that the writing on the blade translates to “Melchior,” and M!Sue re-exposits for the benefit of the audience that Melchior is an old man that lives near Medina village. Without so much as a goodbye to their amphibious comrade, the Trio scoops up his half of the broken sword and heads north to the Truce Mountains and the BBP.

You’ll all be very pleased to hear that Magus’ troops have not and will not stage another attack on the Zenan Bridge that the Trio saved last recap. Especially convenient for random groups of teenagers that have to walk all the way across the continent all the damn time. Obviously, Magus needs to consider investing in some more aggressive forces, but that’s neither here nor there. Yet.

So, after trudging through the Truce Mountains and getting sucked through the BBP to the Lugubrious Veranda of Intersecting Time Periods, Punk leads his lovely companions to the White BBP (or BWP, I guess) that promises to take them to Medina Village. Once more, the Trio comes out of the closet in the Monster Village. Some other male leads might do well to follow Punk’s example. Bah-dah-bump. Rim shot!

At Melchior’s Casa, the Old Sword smith recognizes the Trio and wonders if they stopped by to take another gander at his “collection.” Then, without any prompt from the party or even being shown the pieces of the sword, Melchior blurts, “Th, this sword, it’s the Masamune!”

Instead of making the “Is that that Masamune in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” joke that’s been hanging over every conversation since Punk grabbed the first half of the sword, Rosie pushes the story forward by demanding to know how Melchior’s name came to be engraved on the sword. Melchior claims that “it’s a very long story,” but Rosie only seems to care if Melchior can fix the blade. The Sword smith tells the Trio that the sword can be re-forged if they are able to get some “Dreamstone.”

At the mention of the mystical Dreamstone, M!Sue’s Sue Sense starts a-tingling and she practically rips Melchior’s head off wanting to know where she can find the preciousss ssshininesss. Melchior tells the party that Dreamstone is a red rock that used to be used as money a long time ago, and that he doubts the party will be able to find any, because it was So. Long. Ago. Like, seriously dude, you’d have to be able to travel through time to get this shit, or something, because it was, like, forever ago. And we aren’t talking small potatoes like 400 years ago either, but like 65 million years before Christ, dude, so, yeah, better just give up now. Seriously.

Obviously, I’m being facetious. The Trio hops back into the closet BBP and they jet off to the Lugubrious Veranda of Various Intersecting Time Periods. After checking every BWP on the Veranda, Punk notes that the only one that (1) takes them really far back in time and (2) the Trio hasn’t used yet is the BWP that offers to send them to Mystic Mts. 65,000,000 BC. They hop on and blast off into parts unknown.

…And shortly find themselves plummeting down the side of a cliff.

When the Trio lands, by now immune to the effects of falling and no worse for the wear, they find that they’ve falling smack dab in the middle of a bunch of scaly green lizard monsters running around in circles like crazy people.

As soon as one of the lizards bumps into Punk, they all notice the Trio and start a battle. The “Reptites” are all vulnerable to Ice and Lightning magic, so Punk and M!Sue grapple with them while Rosie has a mid-life crisis and buys a convertible so she doesn’t feel so useless.

As the final Reptite dies, several more Reptites rush onscreen and the party members shake their heads. “We’re outnumbered!” Rosie cries, and while this is true, it was also true for the last battle, and many battles before that. Quit being lazy, Rosie.

The game is on Rosie’s side, however, because just as she finishes talking, the screen goes black, heralding the second Anime!Scene ever. Oh joy. Oh rapture.

In Anime!Mode, a much more formidable-looking Reptite lunges toward Punk and he deftly dodges it. Suddenly, a woman is seen running towards the camera until the camera is absorbed by her creamy, silky smooth thighs. The Woman leaps into the air, giving us a full view of not only her blonde hair to here and her luscious legs to there, but also her furry thong. At least, I’m hoping it’s a thong, what with the fur. *shudder*

The Blonde woman lands in the middle of the Reptite pack and beats the tar out of one of them with a wooden club before flipping off of his chest and into another Reptite. After a quick glamour shot, the Blonde hurdles another Reptite and runs off, prompting many of the lizards to chase her. The camera lingers for a touch too long on Punk’s bewildered Anime!expression, and the screen goes black.

Madden: Let’s see that again!

In Sprite!Mode, the Blonde woman leaps onscreen, leaps into the air, rolls into a ball, and dispatches a Reptite with a kick to the temple. As he disappears, she nails another from behind with her fists before spinkicking into a third Reptite. The Blonde takes a quick breather while M!Sue and Rosie marvel at her strength, and finally runs forward like a cat into the fourth Reptite and pushes it off-screen as a growl hits the soundtrack. Whether it was the Reptite or the Blonde is anybody’s guess.