So now, after all those awkward transitions and random witnesses, it’s the moment of truth. The Judge tells the members of the jury to stand on the left of the screen if they think I’m guilty and on the right of the screen if they think the Chancellor should stuff it. The jury members make a big deal out of slowly shuffling to the Judge’s podium, announcing their decisions, and then ambling to the appropriate side of the room. Long story short, I win by one person. Yay for majority vote! All I can say is, I’m glad I helped that girl find her damn cat. I feel sorry for all the gamers who didn’t and are now going to die. Who’d have thought it could be a federal offense not to help a sniveling five year old reunite with her brainless kitty?
I am above courtroom procedure! Hurr!
The “jury of my peers” (read: group of 50 year old men) make the verdict of “Not Guilty” fairly obvious. Then the Chancellor slips the Judge some Franklins and he decides to sentence Punk to three days of solitary confinement for “running off” with the Princess anyway. M!Sue runs in and is all, “Now just a darn minute…” at this bogus ruling, but the King and Chancellor tell her to make like a Tibetan Monk and shut the fuck up. Two guards come in and drag Punk away, as M!Sue collapses on the ground and screams his name, like he just got killed or something. I mean, I appreciate the effort and all, but does she have to be so wanky about it? She’s trying to help me out, and I still want to smack her!
Cut to the next scene. Punk, now handcuffed, is led downstairs by two guards and the Chancellor. The latter tells the Warden that Punk has in fact been found guilty and is scheduled for an execution in three days. That lying bastard. Poor Punk can’t even say anything to the contrary. I bet he’s kicking himself now for picking “the brooding hero” when the parts were handed out. The Warden is all, “I didn’t hear anything about an execution,” but the Chancellor shuts him up by saying the paperwork probably got held up in the system somewhere. The Warden is too lazy to DO HIS JOB and find the paperwork during the next three days, so basically what we have here is the exact same thing that would have happened if Punk had been found guilty. I’m so glad I just wasted an hour of my life on this crap.
Don’t drop the soap…
So now Punk is in jail. After pocketing the Ethers some sympathizers leave for him and drinking from the conveniently located Mug of HP/MP Replenishment™, I have to make a choice. Knocking on the gates causes a guard to come in and brutally violate my personal space. I can either use my sword, which wasn’t confiscated for some reason, to knock him unconscious, or I can wait like a good boy for three days and hope for the best. For some reason, I feel like keeping my clean record, and decide to wait for three days. Luckily for me, the three days pass in the time it takes to say “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” (Not to be confused with the time it takes to type the word, which is considerably longer.)
‘Ha ha! …Uh, a little help here?’
One of the guards makes a big deal out of walking slowly down the stairs and escorting Punk to the guillotine. They walk, and walk, and walk some more, and some prisoners laugh at Punk. Then they finally make it to the guillotine. The guard puts Punk’s head under the blade and asks him if he has any last words. The guard asked PUNK if he had any last WORDS. The irony right there is so thick I can taste it. Mmm, needs salt.
We hear a metallic clank, but when Punk’s head doesn’t fall off, everybody figures out that it didn’t come from the guillotine. The guards turn to see where the mysterious noise came from, just as Lucca bursts into the room! She’s still got that impeccable sense of timing, I see. She spins around dramatically and cries, “Punk! I’ve come to save you! Take 5, you mugs!” She pulls out her gun and blows them away. Breaking into prison to free a “convicted” felon and mercilessly slaughtering the guards? We’ve got a girl on the edge here! Suspect is armed and should be treated as an overused plot device! Proceed with caution! Repeat: Proceed with caution!
Loading ...Anyway, Lucca frees Punk from the guillotine, giggling to herself about how effective her “Zonker-38” was. She never actually tells us if this is a new gun or a new tech, or even the drug she’s currently on, but it doesn’t matter, because she never mentions it again. So now, we get to escape. Because no RPG is complete without an escape from jail. And this game has them in SPADES.
Before we can escape, though, Punk has to perform an Act of Random Kindness™ for Fritz, who is just cooling his heels inside of another guillotine. He says that he was arrested and thrown in jail for no reason, but since we helped him, he’ll give us free shit next time we see him. Then he leaves. Somehow, he gets through without encountering any guards or without having to deal with any of the crap I have to deal with in the following paragraphs. I hate Fritz.
Hot damn! I should loot the county jail more often!
So then, escaping. The prison/dungeon is made up of many similar (read: identical) hallways and stairways, and we have to find our way to the top, where we re-enter the castle. I guess the prison also serves as the treasury, because every other cell is loaded with treasure chests. Because felons need a place to keep their valuables too. So, Lucca and Punk spend the next fifteen minutes running around, killing guards, looting cells, and even scaling the side of the castle. Eventually, though, they find the Warden’s desk. This, and the conveniently located save point, let us know that we are almost out. Lucca even knocked the Warden out when she came in, so all that is left to do before moving on is loot his body. Doing so nets me 5 Mid-Tonics. Insert your own lesson about kicking people when they’re down here.
Lucca also moonlights as Spiderman, apparently.
After adding the Warden’s booze to the pile of stuff he found in the prison/dungeon/treasury, Punk continues on his merry way. When he and Lucca start to cross the bridge that connects the P/D/T to the castle, however, they hear wheels squeaking and a hiss of air. After another few steps, they see the Chancellor and a big tank that looks like a dragon. “Go, Dragon Tank! Crush those rebels!” the Chancellor yells. For some reason, this makes me think of the old school Power Rangers, where at the end of every episode, the witch-lady would throw her wand down and the monster would grow as tall as a skyscraper and sometime during the fight with the Rangers, half of the town got destroyed. And yet, the town was always rebuilt by the next episode. The insurance companies of that town must have made a mint. Whoa. Sorry about the random tangent.
Squally, eat your heart out.
Anyway, Lucca and Punk kill the dragon tank, and Punk gets to leap onto the Dragon’s back and plunges his sword into it. (Revel in the innuendo — In case you haven’t noticed yet, there isn’t exactly a wealth of it in this game.) After this little finishing move, the Dragon Tank breaks out in electricity and fire. The Chancellor and two of his cronies dash out to try and fix it, but they are too little, too late. The tank explodes and takes out part of the bridge with it. Luckily for me, though, the Chancellor brought along enough people to make a man-made bridge. They grab onto each other’s ankles to avoid falling to their doom, and Punk and Lucca walk across their backs and into the castle. Eat Karma, Chancellor!
So now, in a brilliant deviation from the last few paragraphs of recapping, Punk and Lucca get to… continue escaping! Now that they are in the castle, though, they have to try and break through the masses of guards in their way. This isn’t tedious AT ALL. They are almost to the door when M!Sue (in a dress) appears and tells the guards to let Punk go. Then the Chancellor appears with the King, and the King and M!Sue get into it. The King is all, “Act like a Princess!” and M!Sue is all, “Make me!” Long story short, M!Sue pulls off her dress to reveal her familiar harem pants, and she, Punk, and Lucca escape. Personally, I was hoping we could get away without her. How naïve of me.