Afterwards, the Dwarf Chieftain grudgingly admits that perhaps Cronabe doesn’t suck as much ass as he originally predicted. He threatens Cronabe some more before ordering a retreat. Most likely shrieking like little girls, he and two of his dwarf pals jump down the waterfall. Cronabe would follow them, but, like I alluded to earlier, the game designers decided that a strong and healthy 16-year-old cannot in any way, shape, or form jump into a pool of water even though a dumbass dwarf can. This means that I have to take the long way around. Cronabe spots a long ladder on the other side of another group of waterfalls, so he heads in that direction. He feels kind of emasculated, since Squall can jump onto a freaking street from several times his height, and he’s from an older game even.

Good thing our next stop is a fiery mountain.

Cronabe makes his way across the cave and down the ladder, then follows the river into the next room. Surprise, surprise, there’s another waterfall. Oh, and a save point. Cronabe avails himself of said save point, just in case there is an especially annoying boss with unfair group attacks up ahead. He and the others work their way down the falls, making a brief stop in an alcove behind the falls to retrieve some treasure out of a chest. A whiny dwarf stands in their way, making a big stink about how this is his treasure and he won’t allow them to take it. Oh, is that so? A short time later, this big-talking dwarf lies broken and bleeding on the stone floor. Inside his precious treasure chest is a…Scaley Dress? I guess humans don’t have a monopoly on crossdressing in this game. I’m sure I’m breaking some sort of feminist rule by assuming that the dwarf was a dude, but just add it to my many sins against humanity.

At the bottom of the falls — which really isn’t the very bottom of the falls, but is the bottom of this particular section of falls — the Dwarf Chieftain and two of his cronies await Cronabe. “Humans helping fairies? You surprise me!” he bitches. Cronabe doesn’t bother to telepathically explain that they don’t give a flying fig about the fairies but are instead looking out for themselves because they are nasty evil humans. That’s okay, because the Dwarf Chieftain has already decided that Cronabe and his pals are unfit to live, and by God, this time he’ll kill them for real!

Thanks for clarifying that, Captain Obvious.

Cue boss battle. It starts out with the two dwarf cronies standing around with their thumbs up their asses. Suddenly, a rather gay dwarf in a phallic striped hat arrives on a big, mean steam-powered machine. Its front is shaped like an evil dwarf face. This is the Hi-Ho Tank. Get it? “Hi-Ho”? And they’re dwarves? As you know, I most certainly did not get stuck on a boss and have to re-tape all my footage. But if I had, this would have been the boss. Because not only does it have a zillion HP, but it has high defense and some nasty group attacks that it can do twice in a row. Not to mention a disturbing attack where Gay Dwarf straddles the phallic cannon and fires it. Thanks to my astonishing foresight in equipping the party with new armor and an abundance of green and healing elements, the assrape level is minimal. For the record, the strongest green element is called “Bushbasher.” I’m sure this will stir up quite a bit of rage among the masses, since insulting the U.S. president is something you just don’t do.

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When the Hi-Ho Tank goes down — not like that — a group of panicky dwarves run out the back end while Gay Dwarf gets comically ejaculated into the air. Back on the main game screen, Theme of Great Tragedy whines in the background as the Chieftain starts feeling sorry for himself. “Are we to be driven off our land once again?” he wonders, failing to elaborate on how, exactly, he got driven off his land. “Is there no land on this planet where we can live in peace? Oh, Goddess of Fate, why are we dealt such a hand…” he drama queens. I might feel a little bit sorry for him if a) he had actually been driven off his land in my chosen plotline, b) he wasn’t such a crabby jacktard bent on killing me, and c) he didn’t use his own tragedy as an excuse to commit fairycide on someone else’s rightful island. I mean, if he has such a bug up his ass over the evil humans, why not storm their village with his stupid tank?

PENIS!

Now that we’ve determined that the Dwarf Chieftain is a giant annoying hypocrite, we can enjoy his death scene. He spouts some more bigoted tripe about how much humans suck and it’s so unfaaaaaaaair that humans, horrible bastards that they are, should be stronger than the dwarves. Christ, he calls them “heretics of evolution.” Let’s get a grip here. With this, he and his buddies fade out in unison, allowing Cronabe to get on with more important matters. Not that they are important, just more so than watching some asshole die.

Watch Jerry Springer sometime, and your answer would probably be ‘no.’

A few feet away, Cronabe discovers an injured fairy. No, it’s not some guy wearing spandex and a pink boa — it’s an actual fairytale-type fairy. Her name is Rosetta, and she has pink hair and a blue outfit, complete with pointy hat. Glenn refers to her as an “it.” I realize that oftentimes, you can’t just assume someone’s gender in an RPG, but that doesn’t mean you have to be insulting about it. Rosetta insists that she’s fine, but asks after the other fairies. You know, the ones that are all dead. “I don’t feel their presence in the caves anymore…” Biotch says. At first I think she’s talking about the fairies since Rosetta specifically asked about them, but she’s actually referring to the dwarves. Wow, it took them five seconds to completely evacuate — that’s quick. So everything’s safe and happy now, except for all those dead fairies. Cronabe wonders if fairies or dwarves count as endangered species, not that he can claim responsibility for wiping out the former. Ah well.

Not in an RPG!!!!

Glenn sidesteps Rosetta’s question as well, asking her to wait for them while they take care of important plot-related business. It surprises me that they’re putting off something extraneous in order to deal with the plot. I think I need to sit down. Leaving the poor fairy lying on the stone floor in pain without so much as a fricking healing tablet, Cronabe and the others head into the Water Dragon’s room. Because there’s no way they could spare a party member to watch over the fairy. Morons.

Inside the chamber, the Water Dragon pretentiously addresses the group using a darkened screen and fading text. “Welcome, son of man. Now come to me…” he intones. They’re trying to make him all powerful and mystical, but I’m just picturing a ridiculous Scottish accent or something. Cronabe approaches the edge of the pond as the camera pans up to give us our first view of the Water Dragon himself. He certainly doesn’t look like your standard RPG Dragon — he mostly resembles a giant blue frog. He has fancy rainbow-colored horns, ears, tail, and feet. Actually, this dragon may beat out the Squally Dragon in terms of gayness levels. He sits with his front feet crossed primly, his wide mouth turned up in a closed grin.

Fabulous!

“…Thou needeth not explain. I know already what thou seeketh here,” the dragon continues. Good, then we don’t have to waste time expositing. Oh, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t. Gay Water Dragon tells Cronabe not to be surprised. I didn’t know he was. That would require some sort of emotion. “It is but a trifle for we ‘Sleeping Dragons,’ who hath dwelt upon this land for ages…” GWD drones like anyone cares. Give me the Ice Breath. “Mount Pyre, the land thou seeketh is home to the ‘Fire Dragon,'” he continues. NO! “Unless thou quench his red blazes, it will prove a difficult journey.” This is either an allusion to the lava in Mount Pyre, or the Fire Dragon has herpes. Hey, I don’t know how promiscuous these dragons are.

Finally, the blabbermouth dragon gives Cronabe the Ice Breath. It looks like a glowy whitish-blue ball, which doesn’t really answer my question about how one can give one’s breath to someone else as an item. Whatever, let’s just get out of here. “Take my subordinate as well… It shall be useful in holding back the Fire Dragon of Mount Pyre…” GWD says, giving Cronabe the FrogPrince Summon Element. For those of you who care about how summons work in this game — which would be no one — here you go: The summon must be equipped by a character of that element and to use it, the entire field must be the color of the element. This is kind of a fucking pain, so the Water Dragon can pretty much bite me.

The screen thankfully fades out, indicating this lame audience is at an end, only to give me the old schlong in the ass when some more pretentious text appears over the black screen. “Wilt thou change the world… Or wilt thou change thyself?” it wonders. I’m going to change the game CD into a coaster. “Wilt thou live on with thy mother planet… Or wilt thou turn thy back on the planet and tread another path?” Uh…yes? Am I playing Final Fantasy VII all of a sudden?

We fade back in at the area just before the cave, and Cronabe and his two party members are randomly joined by Steve. A few fairies linger about, meaning they’re not all dead. I know I’m terribly relieved. Unfortunately, even though Cronabe saved their fairy asses from the dickhead dwarves, the fairies are ungrateful shits. See, the dwarves were only there because, according to one fairy who must have heard it from the expositing dwarves, they “were chased out of the forest by the humans.” The fairies, therefore, are pissed off at Cronabe and the others, since they are humans. Now, this disgruntlement might make sense if Cronabe himself had driven the dwarves out of their land, which, as I mentioned before, would have happened if he attempted to save Steve. BUT, in this case, Cronabe didn’t have a God damn thing to do with the dwarves’ problems. So the fairies are just racist assholes. Like the dwarves, they use excess exclamation marks to convey their anger and bitterness. So different, yet still the same. “Why can’t humans live in harmony with nature? Why do you continue to act the way you do?” one fairy whines. Well, that one kind of has a point — Cronabe’s not about the harmony with nature.

We all get the idea, but the fairies continue to spout their crappily-punctuated hatred for three times longer than necessary. Eventually, Rosetta sums up their argument again, only she manages to politely ask Cronabe and the others to leave. I don’t know why they’re not gone already — I would be. To top off this barnburner of a scene, Steve randomly passes out. Okay, TurtleNinja.

Run, it’s a furry!

The camera fades out and back in on an FMV of horror. Flames envelop a child’s artwork — it’s extra tragic because it’s related to a child. The crappy crayon pictures in question include portraits of Crono, Ayla, and Lucca. I can only identify the Lucca one because of the huge “LUCCA” written on it in black crayon. I’m a detective. Cries of children echo in the background. It’s like being in Walmart. The view changes to an FMV Lynx staring calmly out a window as the room continues to burn. I hope he knows to Stop, Drop, and Roll. The camera closes in on him until he turns and gives it an evil look. Because he’s evil. Fade out.

…And back in on Steve next to a campfire. She pops awake, meaning this was probably her rendered CG dream. She remembers aloud that she passed out, but she takes it in stride as the game’s resident Mary Sue. After taking out something shiny and staring at it for a while, she notices some movement in the shadows. I believe it’s Cronabe. Well, obviously it’s Cronabe, since it’s not like Steve would have a nighttime heart-to-heart with NeoFio or Jesus.

Steve apologizes for waking Cronabe, even though he’s probably been standing there staring at her creepily all this time. To add to the RPG Sue-o-meter, she had a baaaaad dreeeeeam about her past. It was triggered by the sad, sad sight of Rosetta the fairy crying for her dead friends. See, she acts tough, but she really just needs a man to take care of her fragile female self. Cronabe joins Steve by the fire as some “God damn, my life sucks and now I’m going to whine about it” music starts up. Given that Cronabe is mute, this promises to be a dynamic scene.

“I was an orphan…” Steve begins, like, wow, get in line, RPG heroine. My eyes are starting to roll already. When Steve was abandoned as a baby, a young woman took her in and raised her like a sister. This must be somehow different from raising her like a daughter. Steve looks dramatically up at the sky. “There were a lot of others like me at Sis’s place, and…she was always makin’ strange stuff… We didn’t have money but we were all happy.” I won’t keep you in suspense here — she’s talking about Lucca. You know, from Chrono Trigger. She never comes right out and says it, but come on. We’re supposed to feel all smart and shit because we figured this out from the completely cryptic clues, and we’re also supposed to feel cool and nostalgic because OMG CHRONO TRIGGER!!!!! I’ll let you all have a moment to calm down.