Anyway, this scene is the typical “person thought to be dead shows up unnoticed by her mourners and it’s totally ironic and funny….GET IT?!” situation. Steve is all, “What the fuck is goin’ on, yo?” Everyone turns to look at her. Cronabe walks forward and does this Squally hands-on-hips pose, which in Cronabese translates to, “Cough up the amulet, bitch.” “Oh, I complained about this sissy gown, but then they hid me own clothes somewhere to stop me from tryin’ to escape,” Steve explains, thinking that Cronabe was concerned about her. She’s appalled that she had to go out in public wearing something so decent.

But enough about this completely pointless clothing shit! Steve digs for attention and compliments as she wonders if they came to check on her because they care. I see no one told her that Cronabe ditched her sad ass in the first place. Cronabe is all, “Uh….sure.” Steve brags that the Hydra venom was not poisonously poisonous enough to be her undoing. Either she’s as false as Tifa’s boobs, or Doc was higher than a herd of Wakkas when he diagnosed her. Really, I could believe either one.

Biotch brings up the question that would be on all of our minds if — say it with me — we gave a shit: how did Steve get rid of the poison? Conveniently, Steve has no idea. But she thinks that the whiny Doc may be able to give them some details when he returns in the afternoon. So for now, I’ll reserve judgment on the wankitude of this plot resolution. Yeah, we all know what happens when I give anyone or anything the benefit of the doubt.

The Black Screen of Passing Time brings us Doc and his purple-haired squirrel assistant. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been dying to have another wankst-a-thon. But first, this poison antidote stuff. Doc wonders if the group is there to hear how he cured Steve. No, they want to listen to you piss and moan about how much life sucks and God hates you. “…Yeah. There’s nothing to lose by knowing how, right Doc?” Steve asks. We’ll just pretend that line made sense — it hurts less that way. “It was a coincidence…No, it was probably an act of fate,” Doc begins, making me even more certain that this storyline will have a plausible conclusion. He goes on to explain that just after Cronabe left, a young man who just happened to have a vial of Hydra Humour in his pocket just happened to be passing through this remote village, where he just happened to hear all about Steve’s condition from a villager. Steve wonders if Doc knows the dude’s name. Sadly, he does not. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give him a name. All Doc knows is that Deus X. Machina is from the mainland. You know, the place where Chrono Trigger happened. OMG REFERENCE!

Wow, that’s some serious talent.

Steve throws a hissy over wanting to thank Deus. Not because she’s grateful, but because, in her own words, she “[hates] being in debt to others.” Yeah, it sure fucking sucks when people do nice things like save you from dying. Those bastards! “Ah, hell! When I find him I’ll…!? Wait, that’s not what I wanna do,” she lamely finishes. For all of her great dialogue in this recap, Steve will receive the coveted What the Fucking Fuck Award.

Doc hates that the conversation is focused on this Mr. Machina fellow. He has an audience of people who haven’t learned to avoid him yet, and damned if he’s not going to use this opportunity to his advantage. “In the end, I proved useless as a doctor,” he wanksts. “It is not something that could be forgiven, but I offer my apologies…” Everyone just stares at him silently. Then Steve has to break the number one rule of dealing with drama queens — she gives in to his sad fishing for compliments by reminding him that he made the antidote from the Hydra Humour. The proper response to him would be, “Yes, you suck a lot and Jesus wants you to die.” Then they get into a battle of thank yous that’s sappier than a whole buttload of maple trees.

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Steve has another brief pissy moment over Deus X. Machina before turning to Cronabe and saying obliviously, “Hehe…I guess I caused you blokes a heap of trouble, too!” Yeah. Because we all went to so much trouble for you, Steve. Really. Cronabe can barely hold back a snicker as Steve thanks him for all his help. Once again determined to put the focus on himself, Doc wonders if the group will continue their journey. No, Steve’s alive so the game’s over, never mind all that other plot shit…oh wait. Unfortunately, this is not just an innocent question — it’s Doc’s way of insinuating himself into the party like a bad case of herpes. “I would like to broaden my horizons as a doctor…” he says, which really means, “I would like to tag along and dramatically overreact to every single event along the way in order to receive as much attention and sympathy as possible, even though this game is in no way about me.” He wonders if he will be a nuisance. Christ, this guy can’t even ask to join me in an unirritating way.

Stupid Steve kisses Doc’s ass up one cheek and down the other, not even giving Cronabe a chance to turn him down. Damn it. But at least I get to name Doc now. Unfortunately, the name entry box is too small to fit “Whiner Von Pitystein from the land of Wankstonia” so I end up with the very uncreative name of “Whiner.” Well, it’s not like it doesn’t fit.

Whiner thankfully takes his leave of the party, announcing that they’ll leave tomorrow as if he’s actually going along. The ensuing black screen doubles as a Black Screen of Sleep and a Black Screen of Exposition. We rejoin the party immediately after they inform Steve of all the exciting things that happened, like the ghost ship and Jesus. “Didja hear? Fort Dragonia’s the oldest ruin that the Dragonians left on this planet,” Steve tells us like we haven’t already heard ten billion things about that stupid fort already. “From what I hear, we need the ‘Dragon Tear’ to activate the fort,” she continues. Hold on a second.

DURRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I’m fine now. But seriously, someone shut her up. She does have some useful information, to my surprise. She points out that the blue glowy thing that was not the Frozen Flame on Viper’s desk was, in fact the Dragon Tear. I can choose to act ignorant or to say that I remember. Well, of course we all remember that, as it was in one of my recaps. “Great, so I don’t have to waste me breath explaining it then…” Steve responds when I choose the latter. Oh, happy, happy, happy day! Steve concludes that since the Dragon Tear was on Viper’s desk, he probably has it in his possession right now. Hold on again.

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

“…I cannot believe it! The general has the Dragon Tear…” Glenn morons. Okay. They already know for sure that General Viper and Lynx are going to enter Fort Dragonia, like really soon. Which requires the Dragon Tear. Which we already know they have. I mean, maybe Glenn’s surprised that the general had it as opposed to Lynx, but the two of them have been in cahoots since before the beginning of this game, so this still makes no sense. “…To activate the ruin. There’s no doubt about that,” Steve repeats unnecessarily. Jesus on a popsicle stick. Seriously, I think we all get the purpose of the freaking Dragon Tear.

Steve is all raring to go with them to the fort. Never mind that Cronabe has purposefully ditched her several times even before leaving her to die — she’s just one of those people who can’t take a hint. Glenn wonders whether the general wants to use the fortress against the Porre army. He also wondered this over an hour ago, and I don’t know why he thinks they’re any closer to having that question answered — it’s not like Steve has really displayed any new knowledge of the situation. “Even I don’t know that, but I wouldn’t say that it’s not a possibility…” Steve non-answers. “Then we must head to Fort Dragonia,” Biotch concludes.

I’ve already exhausted my “DURR” quota, so I will simply say that everyone in this game needs to shut up and die.

At this point, I have four minutes of this shit left to recap. If I expire before the end, I would like you to burn every copy of Chrono Cross in my honor. And then pee on them. Only then will I be avenged.

We might as well continue. Biotch reiterates some more what we already know — they must traverse Mount Pyre to reach the fort, and Mount Pyre is a “fiery hell.” That’s it, Biotch doesn’t get to be recapped any more in this scene. In fact, just re-read the paragraph about finding the Water Dragon, and you have the entire gist of this conversation. Except I don’t think I even come close to insulting your intelligence that badly.

Kind of like recapping this game.

When discussing the part about traveling to Cronabe’s Home World to visit the dragon, Steve says, “You heard the story from the village shaman, right? The story about the ‘Land of Genesis.'” So either Steve is psychic or Chief Diarrhea is completely indiscriminate about telling that story. I feel so cheap and used.

Speaking of feeling cheap and used, the rest of this dialogue is so horrible, so insultingly repetitive, that I think I may actually be offended. Seriously, Biotch suddenly doesn’t know about Steve’s amulet, Steve re-explains the concept of the differences between dimensions, and we find out that Steve’s Astral Amulet (henceforth called the Asshole Amulet in honor of the game designers) can be used to cross the dimensions. And if the constant repetition wasn’t bad enough by itself, Steve, when describing Chief Diarrhea’s explanation of the process used to travel to another world, utters the sentence, “She said it was something about the powers of hope and will.” Do I even need to mention that her Mary Sue Asshole Amulet contains those lame powers?

But they need more than just the Asshole Amulet to travel to the Home World. In fact, it requires “Someone that’s not supposed to be in this world; that’s the link to a world that was severed 10 years ago…” Uh, could you be more specific please? After some more useless dialogue, Steve gives Cronabe the Amulet, then tells him to head to the Land of Genesis to use it. “Land of Genesis,” as we now know, is a fancy name for “that beach where you freaked out and ended up in this hellhole.” Some triumphant music plays as Steve does the walk of shame toward the Oubliette of Shittiness.

That sound you hear is my gigantic sigh of relief as I reach the end of my tape. I made it through bruised but alive. I suppose it’s too much to hope for an installment that will advance the “plot” without too much repetition, so join me next time as we learn about Fort Dragonia, how to activate it, and how to travel to different worlds! Did you know there are different worlds?