The first room at the top of the stairs contains a cute widdle kittycat, and a sleeping ZOAH going “ZZZ…! ZZZ…!” Okay. When Cronabe intelligently tries to open the treasure chest in the room, ZOAH wakes up. Yes, he’s still in his helmet and stuff. Apparently, it’s the Exposition Helmet, because instead of kicking the random “dragoons” and their gay dog the hell out of his room, he offers to answer all their burning questions. We find out stuff we already know, like the fact that ZOAH is one of the 4 — actually 3 now — Dragoon Devas, and so is Karsh. The third one is Marcy in the library. Remember that — Marcy in the damn library. The fourth one is Dario, who died. Really? They hadn’t mentioned that twenty times already.
In the room next door, Karsh is looking all girly at his Exposition Desk. He offers the same service as ZOAH — to answer a whole bunch of obnoxious plot-related questions. I can ask him “Who is [Cronabe]?” Really, at this point if you don’t know who that is, you’re pretty dumb. Karsh spills all the beans regarding his mission to capture Cronabe, and we find out that the “guest from Porre” is really the one who wanted Cronabe captured. Oh, really? Is this the same guest who has made everything all weird and who is responsible for all the monsters? I think I just got hit on the head with the Plot Mallet, because I have a headache.
Karsh apparently does not think it’s weird that these “dragoons” are asking all sorts of questions about things they already know, such as who the heck General Viper is. It’s pretty much all stuff we knew already, as well as some pointless backstory. When Cronabe asks about the Frozen Flame, Karsh responds, “Aaaah…That’s a top-priority, classified secret”…and then proceeds to tell everything about it anyway. It’s a legendary item, full of mysterious power. Go figure.
Back downstairs, I make Cronabe and the others fight the big yellow cracked-out robot of doom, because I’m lost. Shut up. I head back toward the dragoon group bedroom and check the wall after Glenn says, “I’ll write that down.” You know why? Because I tried every other damn thing in the entire mansion. My efforts are rewarded. There is a code on the wall that says “1 to the right, 7 to the left.” Score! Now I just have to figure out what it’s for. Oh, that’s right, the big bad door to the main hall. Good thing Glenn made the not-stupid-at-all move of writing down the password.
So the rag-tag group of “heroes” heads back up to the entrance way where the snake statue awaits. This time, instead of entering something random and ending up in a cage waiting to be violated, Cronabe enters the code he got off the wall. I’m so glad I get to see Cronabe turn the snake around seven times. Wait, that sounded wrong. The doors to the main hall open, and the threesome heads inside. The first stop is the door to the left, which leads to a catwalk to the next tower. What are presumably two of the hugest moons ever are in the background. They look like they might collide with the world at any moment, and I can’t say that would be a bad thing.
The tower across the way contains a library with a huge chandelier/mobile thing. It’s supposed to look mystical. There’s a little girl in a pretty, pretty dress who tells Cronabe and the others that dragoons aren’t allowed there. Gandy is all, “Hey we’re not dragoonth!” and…oops. Some old guy on an upper landing asks the girl, Marcy, if someone is there. First of all, no, she’s talking to herself, and second, gee where have I heard that name before? Oh, right. Marcy in the library. See, it’s supposed to be this huge surprising plot twist that the third Deva is actually a little girl. Also, it’s necessary that our “heroes” not realize this and talk down to her, despite having been told about her already. Way to go, game designers.
The old man, whose name is given only as “Old Man,” asks Marcy to lower the ladder. She does. Now we’re treated to a huge pile of exposition. You can hardly contain your excitement. The old man somehow deduces that the young man before him is not a dragoon, but instead Cronabe. Yes, he knows who Cronabe is. Marcy is all raring to kill them, as would I be if Cronabe were Tidus. The old guy explains that he is “the prophet of time,” which I’m sure will lead thousands of Chrono fanboys leaping to the internet and excitedly typing about who this guy was in Chrono Trigger. Old Man explains that there are two worlds, which we’ve already figured out by now. He also says that Cronabe isn’t from this world, which we also already know. “10 years ago, something happened that put your very soul teetering on the balancing scales of fate with a fifty-fifty chance of life or death!” he exposits. As he talks, there is creepy music and maps of the two worlds spinning through empty space behind them. I’m sure it took many minutes to come up with that set of complex special effects. “This is when your future was split in twain,” Old Man continues. He spouts some more stuff that we already know about Cronabe being dead in this world. Meanwhile, Biotch makes no indication whatsoever that she even cares, despite being very closely connected to this whole set of events. Oh yeah, Cronabe doesn’t seem to care either, but that’s no big surprise.
Old Man Prophet explains that Cronabe entered this world through something called “ANGELUS ERRARE” (Where Angels Lose Their Way) — I guess they were named by ZOAH. He babbles on about some of the more technical shit that we don’t care about, and then says, “Perhaps in this world, you are the missing piece from a giant puzzle. And maybe, just maybe…the vacuum created by your non-existence here has drawn you across the border between the dimensions to fill the void in that puzzle.” Gee, you think? Prophet never shuts the hell up — he keeps going on and on and on about wormholes and worlds influencing each other until you just want to smack him. Then he gets down to the nitty-gritty — “If you press the START button while on the world map, a menu window will appear that allows you to display which world you are in: Your Home World or Another World. Select ON to display this.” Thanks, game designers.
Gandy wonders why Cronabe died in this world. “The reathon has to be thomething that happened 10 yearth ago!” she magically deduces. Well, that would be why he died 10 years ago. Rocket Scientist Prophet tells them that the only way to find out is by “moving on.” Wow, thanks. At this, Marcy announces that she’s not going to let them go, and then we have the obligatory part that I mentioned earlier where Gandy mistakes Marcy for someone other than one of the Dragoon Devas. Yawn. Finally, the Prophet announces who she is and we all act surprised. He also says that it’s fate that they fight her…probably. That makes me feel great.
I know another blue haired guy who’d enjoy ‘playing’ with this girl.
The fight with Marcy goes a lot better than it did the first time I played the game. That is to say, Marcy didn’t totally kick my sorry ass. After Marcy loses the battle and storms out of the room, pouting, the Prophet chuckles. Oh, how cute to see a young girl get the shit kicked out of her. He says he didn’t think Cronabe would win that battle, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. But since Cronabe did win, Prophet tells him the secret to getting through the rest of the mansion. There’s a platform release button behind the second-to-last pillar on the left of the main hall. He also announces that they will encounter a “much stronger being.” I can hardly wait. Finally, Cronabe leaves the Library of Ungodly Exposition and Foreshadowing.
No, he’s not.
The three of them stay in their regular outfits, having been advised to do so by the Old Guy. As they enter the main hall, it just so happens that Steve is there, and so is the harlequin from earlier. This time she’s awake, and she approaches Steve as soon as our favorite scantily-clad young woman enters the room. Steve wants to know who the hell the harlequin is, but the harlequin is more interested in scoping out Cronabe (whom she recognizes) than in answering any questions. Because he’s the main character, and thus, every female character must be madly and jealously in love with him. Great. Speaking of jealous, Steve gets all snippy and demands to know who the harlequin is again. “And zis vulgaire one must be [Steve]…You disgust moi!” the harlequin responds politely. Steve gets all upset, not because she was just insulted, but because the harlequin doesn’t speak “propa English.” If that’s not the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t know what is.