Thanks to what must presumably be a minor miracle, I manage to escape to the world map without having to endure any more tutorials or Sophia lectures. Even more amazingly, I manage to find Jolly Roger without tearing out any of my hair, cursing at the TV, or smashing any controllers, and I’m not ashamed to be proud of that. Hey, it’s a personal triumph, okay? Sadly, the town itself isn’t anywhere near as interesting as its name suggests, being little more than a line of metal shacks adjoining a sandcraft dock, but it has awesome BGM, so it isn’t a complete disappointment. At the entrance, the party discusses what to do next before eventually deciding to search for leads at Belle Starr, the local saloon. Yeah, leads. Nothing whatsoever to do with drinking, no sir.

En route to the saloon, the group runs into Roykman (how the hell did he get here first?), who espouses the benefits of visiting the local PENIS Smith. Unfortunately, he’s still selling the same drugs remedies as before, and as they’ve already scored today, the gang leave him muttering to himself about “upgrading his parts”. Each to his own.

Just in case we’d forgotten this is a Western-themed game, the saloonkeeper, Hannah, greets Vagina with a perky “Oh, howdy there!” She’s so thrilled to actually have some customers for a change that she bribes them agrees to provide them with some info, should they all stay for a reasonably-priced meal. Of course, Vagina makes the deal, because I wouldn’t be able to proceed otherwise — gotta love the level of choice the game designers are giving me here. There’s a weird moment where Hannah babbles about offering “good food, good drink, and good company” then hurriedly corrects herself on the last part, leading me to wonder whether there’s a hidden brothel in a back room or something.

Changing the subject, Hannah namedrops something called the “Eternal Sparkle” which is, surprisingly, not a jewelry retailer, but some kind of precious artifact. Jesus, why do all the ancient relics in Feelgayer sound so…flamboyant? Apparently, the Eternal Sparkle was once in the possession of a race of wicked demons who ruled the planet in ages past. They were pushed to the brink of extinction by an unnamed adversary, and before he died, their leader bequeathed the shiny to three loyal followers. That’s as much of the legend as Hannah can recall, which doesn’t sound like much of a lead to me. But hey, at least she got 150 Gella out of it, so who am I to judge? I’d probably do the same thing if these suckers came knocking at the door of my saloon.

We cut to the aftermath of the “goodbye party”, with the four Drifters discussing the veracity of Hannah’s information over a refreshing glass of…nothing. Man, these guys are such party animals. Jet is the first to offer his opinion, and you might want to sit down before you read what he has to say on the matter: “I’m goin’. I don’t care what you guys do. I prefer working alone anyway”.

WOW, I TOTALLY DIDN’T EXPECT THAT REACTION FROM JET. HE’S SUCH A MULTI-FACETED CHARACTER!

…I honestly don’t know how these people are sitting in a saloon and not drinking, because this recap is pushing me ever closer to the bottle.

Fortunately, everyone ignores Jet for the petulant dick he is, instead choosing to concentrate on more pressing matters. “So, the legendary Eternal Sparkle…” Gallows muses, like any of them had even heard of the damn thing five minutes ago. Clive reiterates what Hannah told them, complete with an embellishment that was apparently given off-screen — supposedly, the three followers of the demon ruler transformed themselves into seals to protect the Eternal Sparkle, and as luck would have it, one of them is rumoured to lie somewhere outside of town. Of course it does.

“It’s the ‘sparkle’ part that makes you think it’s some kind of gem, don’t it?” Gallows wonders. I don’t think “DURRRRRR!” is quite strong enough to convey my reaction to this line, so just imagine me repeatedly slamming my forehead against a wall. Because I just did. Gallows doesn’t show any signs of shutting up anytime soon, instead choosing to drone on about these rumours of ancient treasures being ten-a-penny. He thinks the Eternal Sparkle is just another myth, and wants out. As with Jet earlier, though, Clive and Vagina fail to capitalize on this opportunity to get rid of him — they just kind of sit there impassively. I’m just going to rationalize this as them wanting to keep him around in case his rudimentary Baskar knowledge ever comes in handy.

Clive seems to buy into the legend only slightly more than Gallows, and offers the following mindboggling argument: “Either this lead is a red herring, or, even if it is true, there’s no doubt it would be hazardous.” What? As Clive’s supposed to be the brains of the group, I can only surmise that his intelligence is being slowly eroded by hanging out with Gallows.

Because nobody was listening the first time, Jet steers the conversation back onto the subject of himself. Namely, the fact that he’s a loner. Claiming that their partnership is over and that they’ll all “scatter to the wind” once they leave the saloon, he starts repeating mantra-like that he’s “always been alone, and likes being alone”. NOBODY CARES.

Restoring my faith in humanity, Vagina finally calls him out. “There you go again!” she screams, gesticulating wildly across the table. Taken aback by the roaring mouse, Jet stays silent. The downside is that Vagina changes tack mid-rant and manages to turn her tirade into a “We’re stronger together!” motivational speech. Well, I guess it’s not a bad thing if it keeps the whiny fucker quiet. “Who cares if it’s tough?” Vagina continues. “As long as there’s four of us, there’s always a glimmer of hope in the darkness!” Speak for yourself.

Clive is intrigued by Vagina’s outburst, and wonders what brought it on. She gives him a longwinded reply about how their first meeting may have been a coincidence, but since then it’s their teamwork that has allowed them to claim the Guardians’ power. Short version: it was fate, and the game needs a party of four, so now they’re all together forever. Including Jet and Gallows, more’s the pity.

“Uh…hawhawhaw… well, that was a mouthful,” Gallows remarks, making my flesh crawl. He’s surprised Vagina could say all that with a straight face, which is completely fucking hilarious considering what he’s been spewing forth for the past hour. Despite his amusement, Vagina’s impassioned speech apparently stirred something deep inside, because he soon changes his mind and pledges his assistance in searching for the possibly-mythical Eternal Sparkle — ditto for Clive.

Which only leaves Jet. Hmm, I wonder how he’ll react. “Not so fast!” he bitches, like he has any authority in the group. Vagina gets all fired up again and asks what his problem is (aside from being an intolerable douche?), igniting the following exchange. I’ll transcribe it here because of the smackdown at the end:

Vagina: “I thought you couldn’t wait to head out treasure huntin’?”
Jet: “I’m not talking about that! I’m talking about you pestering me on my way!”
Vagina: (what nerve!)
Ben: (I swear, if I could get my hand through the screen I would flick his hateful little head off his neck, dandelion-style.)
Jet: “I work alone! And I don’t have time to play with wannabe Drifters!”
Vagina: “Wannabe Drifters?! Okay, tough guy! You say you work alone, so fill me in! Tell me what you’ve done! Tell everyone here all about the great things you’ve been able to do all by your fantastic self!”
Ben: *claps and cheers*
Vagina: “Hey! I’m talkin’ to you! Oh, and before you start mumbling excuses, let me ask you what you were doing in the car with the [Cock] Scepter? You were plannin’ on making off with it, weren’t you? And what happened? You blew it! You didn’t have what it takes to steal it, cowboy! And here you are, sayin’ you work best when you’re alone. Where did you get such a big head?”

…OK, that seals it. Vagina is my favourite character ever. That was incredible. Naturally, Jet has nothing to say and simply stares at the ground, no doubt seething over how horrible other people are and how he’s the only one in the entire world who understands. Also, if he truly hated working with other people as much as he keeps insisting, he would get up from the table and leave the saloon at this point, never to be seen again. But that would be too easy.

Inspired by Vagina’s latest rant, Clive and Gallows reaffirm that they’re likely to accomplish more if they stick together. They suddenly declare Vagina their leader, something which doesn’t sit right with her. I’d be inclined to agree — as much as I like her, making the youngest and least experienced member of a team its leader is just asking for trouble. Then again, she’s the only one with the balls to call time on Jet’s assholish behaviour, so maybe she is the best person for the job.

Accepting her new role as team leader, Vagina states their current three goals: “To find the ruins where the Eternal Sparkle lies…to work as a team…and lastly, to make the Eternal Sparkle ours!” Jet makes yet another snide comment in response to this, causing Gallows to gently advise him to knock it on the head. Christ, if freaking Gallows of all people has to tell you to stop being annoying, you really are a special kind of irritant.

A quick Black Screen of Please Someone Gag Jet later, the scene is mercifully over. OK, I know it only lasted ten minutes, but as I could have spent those ten minutes trawling the net for creepypasta or hitting the random page button on TVTropes, I think my annoyance is somewhat justified.

Outside the saloon, the party runs into Anus’s Ambiguously Gay Trio, though their attention is currently focused elsewhere. Anus is the first to turn around and notice them, greeting them with a cheery “Howdy! Good to see you, kiddos.” He looks back at Dario and Romero, who are still fixated by the person distracting them — a creepy-looking little girl in a black dress, who briefly passes by without saying a word. Dario seems to be trembling in fear as he points in disbelief, but despite this, nobody mentions the girl once she disappears offscreen. There’s actually a good reason for this, which won’t become apparent until much later, so let’s just assume for now that Dario and Romero are terrified of her because she’s female.

Speaking of terrifying females, Vagina doesn’t take it well when Anus, correctly assuming they’ve found a lead, asks for a hint. She calls him a “scoundrel”, to which he feigns shock and hurt, before giving her a lecture on how Drifters’ goals sometimes clash. He advises that she shouldn’t make it personal since it comes with the territory, or something, then namedrops the Eternal Sparkle. Vagina shrieks that he’s been spying on them, an accusation he vehemently denies, claiming instead that anyone with half a brain could pick up on the one rumour in this place. Except that, you know, he was spying on them earlier.

Some more back-and-forth ensues, during which Anus suggests they should all work together to find the Eternal Sparkle. Yeah, that would end well. Vagina says as much, telling Anus she just can’t trust him (I’d be hesitant to trust someone who was last seen trying to shoot me on the roof of a speeding train, too) and that she has all the allies she needs right now. Calling her “Princess”, Anus expresses regret that she isn’t open to working together, declaring that he had to “make some sacrifices” in order to be here. He’s probably talking about cancelling his facial this morning.

After letting slip the rumoured location of the Sparkle (a nearby dungeon called “Ruins of Memory”), Anus and his cronies take their leave, vowing that they’ll meet again. You know, there’s no denying there was some kind of chemistry between Anus and Vagina during this conversation, but I still find it majorly creepy that people ship them.

So, the party finally knows where to head next. But I’ve already endured all the Jet I can in one sitting, so it will have to wait. I know, I know, this wasn’t the most action-packed recap I’ve ever written, but I promise the next one will make up for it — among other things, we’ll be treated to TWO actual dungeons, another Anus encounter, and yet another gang of rival Drifters, which may or may not result in some Les Yay for Vagina. Laters!