Trying to steer the conversation back into relative normalcy, Clive asks what became of the monster after he blacked out. Borgnine’s all “Duh, we set fire to its lair!”, to which Clive immediately leaps out of bed and reaches for his PENIS. Borgnine reaches for it, too, but Clive has more urgent matters on his mind. As he explains to the villagers, the monster will inevitably want to return to its nest to nurse its wounds — but if said lair is no more, then it will undoubtedly seek revenge on those who destroyed it. On cue, a demonic howl pierces the air. Clive makes to investigate, only to be held up by Borgnine possessively screaming “Where do you think you’re going? You need more rest!” Clive unfortunately doesn’t shoot the crazy bastard, instead choosing to explain that he must see his assignment through to its completion, even if he is recovering from poisonous poison. Borgnine relents and tosses an antidote to the object of his infatuation, claiming it may come in handy. Perhaps so, but Clive’s sure as hell never going to use it, lest Borgnine interpret it as a sign that Clive reciprocates his obsession.

Clive exits the building he was held captive in, emerging in the middle of a dusty, nondescript Western town. A Goldrake-shaped shadow glides overhead, as two random children cower in fear. Negating the urgency of the situation, the PTG chips in with “The regrets of the past become chains, burdening you more and more with each step you take through the sands of time.” That’s nice, but I don’t really see how it relates to Clive, or anything else for that matter. But he isn’t finished yet! “Through knowledge of oneself, one can live without regret!” he gushes, as we see quick flashes of Clive ascending to the highest point of the town. When he reaches the top, he points his epic PENIS at the Goldrake and roars “I have you now!” Yeah, until it poisons you again.

It’s for situations like this that the phrase ‘penis extension’ was coined.

After all the build-up, the rematch is settled in one round after Clive uses ‘Lock On’ to blow the Goldrake’s brains out. Strangely, it drops an antidote when it dies, but I’m too tired to delve into the logic — or lack thereof — behind this. Frankly, I’m afraid it might actually start to make sense. Back in regular gameplay mode, Clive stands puffing and panting for ten minutes, because the ten-second battle was so gruelling. We get a change of perspective and see several cheerleaders, including Fram, Lab Coat and Borgnine, yelling in jubilation from ground level. Thankfully, everything turns still and sepia before Borgnine can clamber up onto the roof and congratulate Clive in his own special way. Compensating for this, the PTG barges into the scene and bestows his own verbal blowjob on Clive: “Clive aspired to be a bounty-hunter and Drifter. But he always earned more than just a reward. [Sometimes, he earned himself a psycho stalker too!] He gave his clients peace, and in return, they gave him confidence. At times he might stop and rest his wings [*twitch*], but no Drifter ever stopped drifting.” It seems no irritant ever stopped irritating, either.

To conclude the scene and chapter, we learn that Clive’s next assignment was to guard a non-specific artefact onboard a transcontinental train. Of course, the world and his grandma know that the relic in question is the Cock Scepter, but how funny would it be if it turned out to be a completely different treasure, and Clive simply got on the wrong train? …Maybe I just have a weird sense of humour. “Some journeys only start at the last stop…” the PTG finishes enigmatically, as we fade out. I hope that isn’t true in this case, as I’m feeling pretty near to the end of the line already. As an aside, I’ve actually developed a twitch in my left eye since starting this recap. I have no evidence that the game is to blame, but personally I think it’s as plausible an explanation as any.

Scene. We seem to be in a train station, unless the train whistle blaring out of my speakers is an auditory hallucination. It’s been a long recap, so I can’t rule anything out right now. The camera focuses on a large clock, which reads 10:05, not that it’s significant in any way. The PTG spews some bullshit about the “wheels of fate” as we pan out to see Shalte and Tesla saying goodbye to Vagina, who’s carrying a trunk that looks heavier than she is. Then something really disturbing happens. The PTG, continuing in his relentless attempt to make my existence a misery, reveals “The accident that ensued on the train I happened to be on…and the three strangers I would encounter…these were all coincidences.” The implication of this, of course, is that the PTG is actually Vagina. Which would make about as much sense as a wedding invitation from Squall and Rinoa, given that we’ve seen the PTG make extensive commentary on characters and situations that Vagina should know absolutely nothing about at this point. The only explanation that seems to fit is that the PTG’s annoying ramblings are actually Vagina reminiscing about her adventure from the future — in which case, I now want to strangle her for subjecting me to untold amounts of wank. Until I can definitively explain this, I’m going to tentatively rename the ‘Phantom Text God’ to ‘Pretentious Text Vagina’.

As the train pulls out of the station, PTV ends her current tirade with “If coincidence is a part of fate…I want to roam this vast Feelgayer to find the reason behind our encounter. I’m sure that one day, this tale will become a fond memory…” Either that or a yarn to spin in rehab depending on which end of the controller you’re on, Vagina.

Now we’re flying through clouds again, just like the very first scene of the game (which feels so long ago I can hardly believe it was in this very same recap), but this time the clouds are sepia-toned and there’s a male voice choir humming away in the background, so the scene is completely different. Inspired by the nifty vocal arrangement of the series theme, PTV decides to enrich our lives with yet more inane text. “The planet Feelgayer is slowly rotting, its once lush vegetation withering away…” she laments. I think this would have more of an emotional impact if it wasn’t the exact same scenario we see in every other WA game in existence. “As if that weren’t enough, all sorts of predators roam the desert and prey on innocent travellers. Yet there are some willing to brave this wasteland to seek their fortunes. These folks are known as Drifters.” And there was me, thinking she was going to namecheck some guys we had never heard of before.

Is it too much to hope for a rock on the tracks, or a sudden bump?

After another lingering shot of the Feelgayer Express (apparently the camera operator thought we would appreciate it if it were shot in brown and beige), the credits begin to roll as we see various quick shots of the four leads and their methods of boarding the train. Gallows picks the lock of the classified car, Jet hangs from the underside of the train while he awaits his opportunity, and Clive just kind of walks down the aisle of the train. Well, I guess they’re not all attention whores. We now see a replay of Vagina’s altercation with Tony, followed by what feels like dozens of snippets from earlier scenes. The long and short of it is that we finally return to the present, with a continuation of the “Let’s all point our PENISes at each other” confrontation. Thank fuck for that — all that timeline whizzing was making me feel sick. Or maybe that’s the alcohol poisoning. Whatever the case may be, the game is finally moving on, and I’m scared of being left behind.

Before the four Drifters can formally introduce themselves (maybe with their PENISes), a sudden explosion sends them all reeling. Someone has blown a hole in the roof of the carriage. “What now?” Tony bitches, having thought his day couldn’t get any worse. “I think someone’s on the roof!” Vagina dumbasses, prompting Clive to chip in with his own words of wisdom. “Yes, I must agree. I believe this person may be the culprit who activated the emergency brakes.” I probably don’t need to say this, but I will anyway: DURRRRRRRR! All we need now is for Gallows to point out the hole in the roof, and the scene will be taken all the way to its sad conclusion. Remembering he’s supposed to be the intelligent one, Clive asks for volunteers to help him investigate. He isn’t exactly swamped by replies, so resolves to take the lead as long as the others bring up the rear. And no, I don’t wish to dwell on the images conjured up by that statement.

After a second batch of credits, we’re on the roof of the train. Gallows helps Vagina up through the hole (ew), giving fanfic writers everywhere evidence that they’re doing each other. I should point out that, despite the emergency brakes being applied earlier, the train is still moving at a considerable speed. I’ll come back to this point in a while. The foursome comes face to face with the people behind the emergency brake-pulling and the explosion — a trio of interesting-looking individuals, the leader of whom is a man sporting royal blue hair, white pants and a phallic bayonet. I can safely assume I don’t need to speculate on his sexual orientation. His two accomplices also look gay, but in very different ways: the man to his right is a fey-looking fellow with bleach-blonde hair, a fashionable scar across his eye and a one-hand-on-hip pose, while the guy to his left is a heavy-set bear with a thick goatee and dangerous-looking PENIS in hand. I guess it’s no surprise that these guys seem to be after the sparkly Cock Scepter.

Wakako Ooba is clearly a fan of Western-themed gay porn.

“Heh…looks like we’ve got company,” Bayonet Guy observes, complete with a flamboyant flick of the head. “You guys sure don’t look like guardsmen to me. Who are you, anyway?” Addressing Jet, he continues “And you, punk…didn’t I see you kick in the window and break into the cabin?” These three are clearly bad guys, but I don’t think I can be completely opposed to anyone who calls Jet a punk. “Don’t tell me you blokes are all Drifters going after the same treasure?” he yells incredulously, apparently not noticing that Vagina is clearly not a “bloke”. Or maybe he knows something we don’t — for all I know, “Vagina” could be a regular patron of The Hellbenders Genderbenders, Feelgayer’s premier transgender saloon. Gallows and Jet shake their heads at Bayonet Guy’s accusation, even though it’s technically the truth, but Clive has a gameplan and tells him that all four of them have been employed to guard the Cock Scepter. “I kindly ask that you withdraw,” he states politely, PENIS aimed directly at Bayonet Guy’s face. “I would like to avoid any bloodshed and unnecessary expense, if possible.”

Bayonet Guy isn’t so easily swayed. Making a very gay “Oh no you di’int” finger-wagging gesture, he claims that he and his butt-buddies “welcome unnecessary bloodshed”. Clive doesn’t care what the three of them get up to behind their batwing doors, but feels that the roof of a speeding train is a somewhat inappropriate setting for a conversation about ritualistic sex games. On the subject of the speeding train, I’m finding it just a tad difficult to suspend my disbelief and accept the notion that seven people can just stand around chatting on the roof of a barreling locomotive without at least one of them losing their balance and coming to a sticky end.

I think your ‘friend’ has other ideas.

Speaking of sticky ends, Bayonet Guy busts the nose of Blond Guy with the butt of his phallic weapon for daring to suggest that Clive is right about the whole “unnecessary bloodshed” thing. I think we now know the dominant one in their relationship. Bayonet Guy is adamant that he and his companions are going to snatch the Cock Scepter, and if they have to kill Clive and the others in the process, so be it. Clive stage-whispers to Vagina, asking how her shooting is, and she replies that she’ll do her best. He also asks for assistance from Jet and Gallows, who are decidedly less enthusiastic. “What are you plotting?” Bayonet Guy wonders, suspicious that Clive and his pals are discussing the size of his bayonet. “Are you planning to bite the dust, or bite the bullet and face us?” I think several people in this scene are hoping to bite something else, if you follow me.

So many jokes, so little time…

Bayonet Guy suddenly pulls out a pocketwatch, notices the time, and yells “Time is money. Let’s get this started already!” Bear Guy reminds him that “[they’re] one short without Lucio”, but we don’t find out exactly who this Lucio dude is. Maybe he was kicked out of their group for appearing too straight? Whatever the circumstances of his absence, we finally learn that Bear Guy is called Dario, Blonde Guy is named Romero, and Bayonet Guy himself has the fabulous, completely straight name of Janus Cascade. His nickname is staring me in the face, and I only have to delete one letter of his real name to get it. Janus Anus yells “Shut your fly, Dario!” (leading me to speculate why it was open in the first place), followed by “Be a man, Romero!” I don’t think it’s the first time he’s said that, for some reason. His final instruction before the battle is something about assuming positions, and it probably isn’t the first time he’s ever said that, either.

As if Anus and his pals weren’t homoerotic enough already, my iPod shuffle throws up Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’ (it’s catchy; don’t look at me like that) the second the boss fight begins, taking the confrontation to new and unexplored heights of gay. Take Vagina out of the equation and the entire thing would be a complete sausage-fest, which makes me wonder what would actually happen between the six guys if she weren’t around. Unfortunately, this isn’t the epic confrontation it should be, as my laughably-overpowered party annihilates The Three Cocketeers within one turn. Anus can’t believe he’s lost, but has more sense than to continue the fight. Instead, he tries a different tack: “Heh, not bad, princess. What do you say you quit that measly little team and come join us?” In case you wondered, he’s talking to Vagina. His attempted ruse is flawed from the outset, as it’s completely unbelievable he would want an icky girl — one named after lady parts, no less — to join his flaming mob. “Thanks, but no thanks,” Vagina snots. “I don’t hang out with thugs.” Anus feigns hurt at her comeback, remarking that they’re not much different — after all, aren’t they all just Drifters? Before the party can contemplate this head-scratcher, Anus looks at his pocketwatch again and declares it’s time for his gang to take their leave, sans Cock Scepter. Maybe they’re booked in for facials first thing in the morning.

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Vagina is startled by a loud noise, which turns out to be a second train running in the opposite direction on a track below their own. Now something ridiculous happens (imagine that). In what the game designers probably intended to be a cool moment, The Three Cocketeers jump off the roof of the train and land on the other speeding train below. You read that correctly — rather than falling to a painful and messy death beneath the wheels or on the tracks, as one might expect, they actually manage to land on their feet, just in time to make a cocky pose as the train speeds out of view. What-the-fuck-EVER. Sadly, this is just the tip of the Iceberg That Makes No Sense, and is downright plausible compared to some of the contrived shit that goes down later.

Black Screen of I’m Still Not Buying That Bullshit. It’s now morning, and the train has finally come to the end of its journey. Tony the train guard retrieves the chest containing the Cock Scepter and hands it to Clive, who apologises for all the trouble the previous night. For some reason, the other three principal characters are standing around too. I’m sure they’re going to have a completely logical and believable reason to stick together, and not just some paper-thin excuse pulled out of a game designer’s anal passage in order to keep this ragtag party intact. Speaking of things being pulled from back passages, Vagina finally realizes what’s in the box. “What was that, anyway?” she asks, looking to Gallows of all people for answers. “That light…it had some sort of warmth to it…those thugs were after this light source, right?” “No, they were after the anal love beads someone had taped under the lid of the chest,” Gallows doesn’t quite reply. In actuality, he gives her a mini-lecture on the functions of the Cock Scepter, reiterating what we’ve already heard multiple times — word for word, in fact. You know, I still keep hoping in vain that the game designers will finally understand that the majority of people who play their games actually read the damn text in front of them.

As these fonts of knowledge and wisdom stand around blathering, the driver of the train finally decides to move on, with or without them. “There it goes…” Vagina sighs, watching the train slowly pull away. “Sure was a stormy night, wasn’t it?” Because out of a mysterious sparkly relic, an extremely gay trio of bandits and a gunfight atop a moving train, of course the first thing about last night that springs to mind is the freaking weather. Man, I’m tired. Tired of lazy dialogue, tired of this recap, tired of everything.

But wait! Here comes Jet, and I’m sure his valued contributions to the scene will make everything better! “So this is what I get for helpin’ out…stuck in the middle of nowhere,” he kvetches, before actually stamping his foot like a two-year old. If this world were fair and just, someone would find some rope and tie him to the train tracks, in the interest of making this game a little more authentic.

Vagina wonders what she should do, being stuck in the middle of nowhere and all. Clive reveals he must finish his mission and deliver the Cock Scepter to his client, who “should be within walking distance”. Such estimates of distance kind of lose their meaning in a game where characters can cross an entire mountain range before breakfast, so I’m not exactly filled with optimism about this. He tells Gallows that he should know the way, being a Baskar and everything. Gallows confirms that Baskar Colony is his hometown, but he doesn’t really feel like returning. Hearing this, Vagina clasps her hands together in delight and adopts an expression of pure optimism that I both envy and abhor. “Well, since we’re all here, whaddaya say we all go together?” she squeals, giddy at the prospect of travelling across the wilderness with three armed and possibly dangerous mercenaries who she only met, in gameplay terms, five minutes ago. In case we forgot that he’s self-serving and obsessed with money, Jet replies “It’s not a bad idea to reap the rewards. Gotta cash in when you can.” So he’s in…more’s the pity.

Okay, so we now have somewhat flimsy reasons for these guys to be travelling together: Clive has to deliver the Cock Scepter to Sophia (semi-spoiler, but it should be obvious anyway), Gallows is guiding him there (even though he should already know where it is), Jet is sniffing after a reward for helping out (even though no reward has been mentioned, and it would likely be buttons anyway), and Vagina wants to go on an adventure. I can buy that, but it doesn’t change the fact that these people could easily have gone their separate ways at this point. I know they have to stay together for the purposes of the plot, but I’m sure someone could have come up with a more believable explanation for doing so. No matter how I feel about the tenuous manner of its creation, this is our party of four for the rest of the game, so I’ll just have to suck it up.

And with that, the introductory chapter of the game is finally, FINALLY over. It pains me to realise that I could have easily squeezed three regular-sized recaps out of the introduction alone — maybe that’s what I should have done, then perhaps I might not be typing this from the comfort of a padded cell. Well, it’s time for my evening meds now, so it’s just as well that this recap is coming to an end. In the next instalment (which will most definitely not be super-sized), we’ll find out what the Cock Scepter’s importance is, and maybe, just maybe, have another homoerotic confrontation with Anus Cascade and his merry men. But people will probably just talk about birds a lot.