The Cock Scepter finally in his sweaty mitt, Gallows attempts to leave the Fallen Sanctuary, but runs straight into an invisible barrier just feet away from the exit. As he takes stock of the situation, the barrier before him lights up, illuminating a second wall that has just appeared behind him, effectively boxing him in. “Gimme a break! Another trap to repel thieves, huh?” he duhs, pounding on the solid wall of light as if it’s going to shatter under his mighty fists. “I’m an up-and-coming candidate for priesthood! Treat me like this and you’ll be sorry!” In response, a mystery speaker, identified by the text box only as ‘Creepy Voice’, hisses “Shh! Your cries for help will be heard outside.” “Who’s there?!” Gallows shrieks, even though he should have been able to identify the voice instantly — Shane steps into shot. “Aw, come on brother…who were you crying to?” he wonders, as slightly ominous music thrums away in the background. When I first saw this scene I thought we were heading towards an awesome and unexpected plot twist in which Shane turns out to be evil, but sadly, he was just fooling around with the whole creepy voice thing. Gallows is relieved to see his brother: “I knew I could count on you! You must have seen vile premonitions of your big brother in mortal danger, right?” Shane replies that he didn’t even need to predict this outcome — he was already sure Gallows would mess up somewhere along the line. He clearly inherited Sophia’s snarkiness.

As Gallows continues to pace back and forth inside his 6-foot pen, Shane suddenly pulls a possible solution out of his ass. According to Baskar tradition, anyone attempting to retrieve the Cock Scepter must undergo a trial which they can only overcome if they begin to think and act like a priest. This, of course, means that Gallows — the dumb oaf who doesn’t care for tradition and wants to escape the shackles of his priestly heritage — must instead embrace the teachings if he wants to get out of the hole he’s in. Quick, everyone, hit the deck — the Irony Hammer is flailing around like a fanboy in a room full of naked Tifas.

You guys have no idea how hard it was for me to not make a joke about altar boys here.

Gallows focuses his thoughts, and before long, the fabled Strategy Guardian informs him that he must access and use the Cock Scepter through the Items menu. When he does, a second mysterious voice speaks into his heart, telling him to “push the limits of [his] mind”. This, in Gameplay Speak, translates as “Speak to Shane again and watch the cutscene unfold”. Gotta love the level of interactivity there.

Shane tells Gallows that he can’t bail him out, shooting down his plans for an easy ride out of here. Gallows tries to call Shane’s bluff with some vague references to “an efficient, yet comprehensive escape plan”. Predictably, Shane sees through this so easily it might as well be made of glass. Time for Plan B, then. “We’re fortunate because we’ve still got each other,” Gallows muses. “We’re just lowly apprentices right now. We’re only halfway to being ordained. Also…there’s two of us, right?” Shane praises his big bro on his numeric skills, but is unsure where this whole pitch is going. He’s not the only one. The gist of the next part of Gallows’ awkwardly-phrased theory is that, even though the two brothers are only halfway to becoming real priests, if they combine their powers, they’ll be the equivalent of a single fully-developed priest. I don’t even know where to begin in picking this apart, so I’ll just go with it. “Through the incredible powers of brotherhood, we can do anything!” Gallows finishes triumphantly, raising his hands to the heavens like an evangelical preacher. And, with the whole “brotherly love conquers all!” proclamation, here come the incestuous fanfics once again.

Naturally, Shane is sceptical that Gallows’ brainwave will pay off. But to humour him, he agrees to give it a try, and the brothers both press their hands to the magic barrier, concentrating their thoughts on breaking the blockade. Incredibly, it works, and the curtain of light begins to slowly disperse. I think it says a lot about the workmanship of whoever put this trap in place that freaking Gallows, Brain of Feelgayer, was the one who figured out its solution. Speaking of Einstein, he informs Shane that he’s going to become a Drifter, before making a cringe-inducing, Vagina-like bird analogy. Because the entire universe would clearly implode if we went ten minutes without someone vocalizing their inner yearning to spread their wings and take to the motherfucking sky. By now, I probably should have expanded the VARC to include the other characters, but I inevitably would have lost count by this point anyway, so what the hell.

*Screams*

Shane accepts his brother’s decision, resolving to take care of Sophia in his absence. I really don’t think she needs a babysitter, Shane. The brothers each vow to grow stronger in their own way so that they can support the other in the future, and, with this mutual show of support, the barrier dissolves completely, freeing Gallows from his prison. Yay for him, I guess, but I still feel like I’m serving a life sentence here.

Don’t want to know, don’t want to know…

Obnoxiously long flashback-within-flashback over, we cut back to Gallows in the run-down bar as he admires the possibly-fake Cock Scepter in his possession. Wondering why there’s another Scepter in existence — and being transported to his hometown by train, no less — he decides the only way to satisfy his curiosity is to track that one down, too. So now we know why he, Jet and, to a lesser extent, Vagina were on the train. It’s all starting to slot into place, just like the throbbing pain in my skull. You know things are bad when your hangover kicks in before you’ve even finished recapping.

Our final playable character is the handsome, green-haired gentleman with the exceedingly long PENIS, known to us only as ‘A Drifter Guardsman’. His name, Clive, seems to fit his refined appearance (“refined” in comparison to the Fraggle Rock escapees we’ve been subjected to until now, at least), so I’m going to keep it for now. Thanks to the PTG, we learn that Clive’s introduction takes place “Nine days before the fateful encounter”. Everyone’s favourite non-corporeal scribe helpfully informs us that Clive is aged 30 — a corpse by RPG hero standards — and that he is about to embark on a deadly mission to slay a powerful monster. We see a shot of a peaceful blue sky, and as the PTG doodles away, a fucking bird flies past. To my amazement, the PTG resists the urge to comment on it, instead choosing to inform us “Drifters are accustomed to risking their lives to face danger. They do it for the reward, and to satisfy their spirit. One cannot deny that in the eyes of many, these Drifters are just ruffians driven by greed.” Yes, how dare they earn a living! They should just allow the monster population of Feelgayer to roam free, and see how long the people cope without the benefit of Drifter “greed”. Ungrateful fuckers.

The PTG wonders if Clive is just another of these “ruffians”, as we slowly pan down to see two figures approaching a cave entrance from a distance. The bright green hair and long trenchcoat on the left-hand figure identify him as Clive, but the second figure is just some random dude in a cowboy hat. Thanks heavens for his choice of headgear — I was beginning to forget that this is a Wild West themed RPG. As the men reach the gaping maw of the cave, Clive tells his companion that he’ll take it from here. Cowboy Hat — named Borgnine — tries to tell Clive that he’ll need a guide, as this is his first time exploring this particular cave. But Clive is adamant that he should go by himself, as he alone accepted the mission in question. “You’ve heard of the buddy system, right?” Borgnine pleads, in a last-ditch attempt to persuade the bespectacled piece of ass in front of him to take him along. “They always say two heads are better than one. I can help you.” If that doesn’t pass for a come-on, I don’t know what does. Clive, clearly more intelligent than the dunderheads I’ve had the pleasure of controlling until now, reads between the lines. But being a nice guy, he lets Borgnine down gently by reasoning that, as one of the villagers he is tasked to protect, he would be jeopardizing his mission by allowing Borgnine to go with him. Borgnine sheds a silent tear as his new crush enters the mouth of the cave, but manages to compose himself enough to pass on the gift of three Heal Berries. It must be love.

Why are we exploring a fanboy’s bedroom?!

The ‘Den of Miasma’ is a fairly bog-standard cave dungeon, with a few notable gimmicks. First, Clive starts out with his preferred Tool, which is an everlasting supply of bombs. While this is still way outside the realms of possibility, it isn’t on a Tindercrest-level of ridiculousness either, so I won’t dwell on it. It’s fortunate that the bombs’ nice explody sound effect isn’t too annoying, as I get to hear it a LOT while negotiating the many cracked walls and obstructive rocks in this place. The second noteworthy aspect of the cave is a genus of red, icky, jellyfish-like organism that sticks to the ground and likes to spew poisonous fumes at Clive, depleting his HP without even being in battle. Now that’s just unfair. Not to mention the fact that they remind me of a certain body part I can’t seem to put my finger on. In light of this, I force Clive to blow them to kingdom come as quickly as possible.

But it gets worse. A few minutes later, Clive encounters a second group of the sickening jellyfish creatures…but these ones are blue, and regenerate after being destroyed. I hate myself for this, but I keep thinking of ‘blue waffle’ whenever I see the damn things (Google is most certainly not your friend this time, if you value your dignity and/or the last meal you ate). It suddenly hits me that, even though Clive is my favourite of the four heroes — by virtue of him not saying much and therefore being the least irritating by default — his dungeon is currently grossing me out to the point that I’d give my right arm to be back in the Fallen Sanctuary or Doomed to Obscurity. There’s a moral in there somewhere.

After a few more screens, Clive steps out onto a narrow stone walkway, remarking “It’s not far now to the throne where the keeper awaits.” Translation: “Make sure I’m healed up and use a Gimel Coin before going any further.” I take Clive’s advice, mindful of the fact that I haven’t saved at all since starting the game — in the unlikely event that the dreadful beast guarding the cave managed to kill the Level 73 Clive, being forced to replay this entire sorry 90 minute introduction would undoubtedly drive me to the brink of suicide.

Just seconds later, the boss of the cave reveals itself — by clambering out of a huge, spider-like funnel web in the wall. Rather than a giant spider, however, the boss is a generic wyvern creature. But after my recent encounter with an oversized arachnid in my last recap, I’m most definitely not complaining. Clive figures he should be able to make short work of the ‘Goldrake’ with his mighty, elongated PENIS, but to his dismay, the monster manages to dodge his bullet. “Hmm…with your evasive maneuvers, it may be easy for you to evade my shots…” he Shions uncharacteristically. Presumably, the Goldrake is also going to counterattack with poisonous poison (whether it will be Clive’s undoing, though, remains to be seen). In order to put the beast down, Clive uses his ‘Lock On’ ability to ensure a perfect hit.

And you know what? The Goldrake does actually respond to this with a mouthful of toxic breath, poisoning Clive. I’m psychic! “N-no, stop…” Clive gasps, as the monster takes flight and exits through the roof of the cave. Our hero collapses to the ground, looking pretty…well, dead. If they kill off the most tolerable character in the game this early, I’m going to be pissed. But I guess I should know better — after all, this is a genre of storytelling in which a person can hurl themselves into an active volcano and emerge unscathed, so there’s really no way Clive would succumb to death this easily.

Clive monologues “I have failed…I always seem to fall short at a crucial moment…” over a Black Screen of Fast-Acting Poison. I hope he isn’t talking about his performance in the bedroom here, or ol’ Borgnine is in for a disappointment, should he ever manage to get Clive intoxicated enough to take advantage. After a few tense moments, we cut back to Clive, who wonders how long he’s been out for. “Toxic matter has entered my system…” he explains for those of us who zoned out for the last two minutes. “The effects do not appear to be too serious yet, but the more I move, the more it will eat away at my body.” For God’s sake, why couldn’t this have happened to Jet or someone equally obnoxious? Oh, wait, there is nobody equally as obnoxious. Clive figures he should head back to the entrance rather than waiting for help. I know he’s had some stiff competition, and he is supposed to be the smart one, but I don’t think I have any choice other than to award Clive this recap’s “DURRRRRR!” award.

I’ll spare you the details of Clive’s trek back through the cave, save for the fact that the poison in his body continually saps his HP as he walks. I suppose it’s possible to die from this (or, at the very least, have sufficiently low HP for a random battle monster to hand you a Game Over), but fortunately the journey back to the entrance is a fairly short one. As he staggers out, Borgnine rushes over and cradles him, exclaiming “What a fever! What happened to you in there?” He’s probably going to try taking his temperature next, and I have a sneaking suspicion what he plans to use as the thermometer. Clive tells Borgnine all about the poison, and regretfully informs him that the monster got away. “Okay, understood! We’ll take care of the rest!” Borgnine replies. I bet you will. Clive passes out again, and I’m worried what the Black Screen of Prime Sodomy Opportunity could be hiding.

Most interesting flashback ever.

Before we find out Clive’s fate, it’s flashback-within-a-flashback time (again). Hooray! To my relief, though, this flashback is just a short, sepia-toned memory depicting some random old guy inspecting what looks like a huge pile of dirt. Exciting! Clive appears in the next shot as the old guy wags his finger at him in a stern manner, but there’s no dialogue so the context of their meeting will have to remain a mystery for now. I’m sure you’re all aching to know their history, but unfortunately it will be several hours until things become clear. Be strong, friends.

Actually, I think both can work. E.g. ‘If this recap goes on much longer, when will I reach the exact point of batshit insanity?’

“It’s not a question of ‘if’, it’s a question of ‘when’…” the PTG proposes, concluding the rollercoaster ride that was Clive’s flashback. We never find out who exactly he’s addressing here, as we abruptly cut to someone’s bedroom. I don’t like where this is going. Oh, look, Clive’s laying on the bed! I really don’t like where this is going, considering who he was with the last time we saw him in a conscious state. But my fears seem to be unfounded, as Clive is fully-clothed and Borgnine the sex-pest is nowhere to be seen. In his place, however, is an icky woman. “Oh, you’re awake!” the woman — named Fram — squeals. She’s dressed like a saloon wench or a hooker — I can’t decide which — so this scene could potentially go in some interesting directions. Fram tells Clive she’s going to “go make something”, which intrigues me even more, but sadly she’s just taking about a hot drink. As she whips up Clive’s hot toddy (no, that’s not a euphemism), we get a fleeting visit from a Black Screen of Lazy Game Designers, and when it leaves, Borgnine and a random guy in a lab coat are standing over Clive’s bed. I’m sure they stole this scene from a porno. As Borgnine and Lab Coat watch intently, Clive sips from Fram’s cup and…wait, I’ll rephrase that. As Borgnine and Lab Coat watch intently, Clive takes a gulp of his drink before holding the cup out in front of him in amazement, like it’s the Holy Grail or something. “Wow, this is really something! What is it?” he gasps. Borgnine, growing creepier by the second, is only too happy to explain: “Knocked your socks off, huh? Well, here’s a hint.” He fumbles around in his pocket (I hope it’s just his pocket) then produces a sprig of a suspicious-looking herb. Taking into account this series’ abundance of drug references, it would be easy to assume that the herb in question is marijuana, but it’s just an antidote. Or so they tell us.

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Rohypnol.

Lab Coat (real name Huey, but I think I’ll stick with the nickname) reveals that the antidotes they used in his potion are stronger than the regular ones, hence his fast recovery. Apparently, they “boiled it up in a great cauldron” so as to increase its potency. As this conversation plays out, Fram stares vacantly at the wall, while Borgnine imagines how the cauldron could come in handy if Clive spurns his advances yet again. Speaking of Cowboy Stalker, he passive-aggressively remarks “Of course, I almost broke my back hauling you out of that cave. And how do you repay me?! By ripping my heart out and grinding it into the dirt! We could have been beautiful together!” Actually, he only says the first part — but sometimes, what isn’t spoken sounds much louder than whatever is.