I know I’m putting WAY too much thought into this, and I haven’t even touched on the fact that the Tindercrest, an item used to set things on fire, presumably must itself be ignited by something that the game designers haven’t seen fit to tell me about yet. Hell, maybe it’s already lit, and Vagina is simply wearing a flame-retardant dress. I think the only way I’ll be able to stick a fork in this issue and move on is if I simply tell myself that Vagina finally found a decent use for a Brady guide, and is now using its burning pages to aid her in her quest.
In the two minutes I just spent trying to rationalize the mystic properties of the Tindercrest, Vagina has already used it to light the torch and has now headed through the newly-open door into another room with numerous holes in the floorboards. I discover to my chagrin that these holes aren’t just for decoration when Vagina steps onto an innocuous-looking floorboard and promptly falls through it. After, I imagine, having a good ol’ chuckle at Vagina’s expense, the PTG helpfully reveals that the rickety floor in this room could be unsafe. Yeah, I would have never figured that out by myself. Ass. As if the walking speed in this game wasn’t slow enough already, I must hold down the O button to make Vagina tiptoe through the room in order to avoid plummeting through any more rotten floorboards. This takes up precious seconds that I could have spent yawning, gazing at the ceiling or pouring myself another drink, which only adds to my rising irritation. I don’t know why Vagina couldn’t have just spread those wings she’s so fond of talking about and simply flown across the fucking room.
After crossing a couple more samey rooms and corridors, Vagina enters a small chamber filled with all manner of boxes and a couple of treasure chests. “Hey…it’s all the valuables they stole from us. So this is where they stashed everything…” she muses, before starting to rummage through the room’s contents. All the boxes are completely empty, but create a satisfying smashing sound when she throws them against the wall to clear a path to the chests. The first chest contains a Gimel Coin, an unusual unit of currency that allows someone to save their game in the middle of a dungeon. Two other chests nearby hold the immensely valuable bounty of a single Heal Berry and 400 Gella, which doesn’t exactly make a noticeable difference to the 2 million and change Vagina already has in her bulging purse (I’m loving this New Game+ thing more with every passing second). Fighting her way through the sea of empty boxes to get to the last chest, Vagina secretly hopes it will contain something more valuable and exciting than the others, but is sorely disappointed to find only a single Duplicator (a key used for opening certain doors). But wait! Hiding in a dark corner of the chest is what appears to be a scrap of paper. Vagina picks it up and realises exactly what it is – half of a photograph. The picture depicts her lab coat-clad father along with two other scientists (the other half of the picture will remain a mystery until much later). The Phantom Text God tells us that, while Tesla once told Vagina her father had been a scientist, it was a side of him she never knew as he disappeared when she was just a kidlet. Vagina begins to reminisce as a nostalgic, whimsical tune kicks in. Flashback time!
Alcohol? Firearms? Go responsible parenting!
We fade in on someone’s backyard and see a young Vagina being coached in the art of shooting by her dad, who has ditched the lab coat in favour of a long trenchcoat and a creepy wide-brimmed hat that obscures most of his face. As she aims for a bottle standing on a nearby fence, her dad steadies her wavering hands, but her shot is still wide of the mark and the recoil of the PENIS knocks her out cold. We cut to Vagina and her pappy — named Werner — sitting at the kitchen table, in the middle of an intriguing and equally inappropriate conversation. “Vagina…you like shooting PENISes?” Werner asks. Way to confuse the girl, pops. “Umm…I like shooting with you, daddy!” Vagina replies. “You think I can shoot two PENISes at once like you?” “Two at once? That’s gonna take some practice…” Werner responds, oblivious to the fact that his daughter seems to be growing up way too fast. Vagina vows she’ll practice really hard, and makes Werner promise to teach her. The scene ends and we return to the present-day Vagina, who is currently wiping tears from her eyes. Aww. “A photo of Daddy…” she whispers. “I thought I destroyed all his pictures after Mom died, since they only brought back painful memories…” At this point, we don’t know whether Werner is alive or dead (clue: he’s not dead, technically at least), so Vagina is, for all intents and purposes, an orphan. Because we’ve never seen one of those as an RPG lead character before. Vagina pulls herself together and resolves to finish the job the came here to do, tucking the ‘Right Half’ in her pocket for safekeeping.
Before we continue, though, let’s examine — the Hobgobs invaded Boot Hill and apparently stole enough supplies from the village to make the prospect of mass starvation a real possibility. Yet it seems they only took a couple of healing berries, some pocket change, a key, and a scrap from someone’s photo album. Either these people were emaciated and dirt poor to begin with, or this game makes no sense. I think I know which one I’ll be going with.
Vagina uses her newly-acquired Duplicator to open the only door she hasn’t been through yet, emerging in the entrance hall of the mansion. With her town’s precious swag in hand, all that remains is for her to leave through the front door. But things aren’t going to be that simple — the camera pans up to show our old buddy the Hobgob Boss standing on top of the railing above Vagina’s head, waiting to pounce. Fortunately, he isn’t forcing her uncle to perform sex acts on him this time. Instead, he leaps from the balcony, giving Vagina barely a second to avoid the blade of his axe. “You…you’re the one who stole all our valuables!” she cries. Would these be the “valuables” that consisted of a bunch of berries and a fucking key? I’m not quite sure why the Hobgobs bothered making the trip, to be honest. Maybe berries are like gold-dust to them, and torn photographs of random dudes in lab attire fetch a pretty penny on the Hobgob Black Market. Hell, I don’t know. …Boss battle!
Hobgob Boss is only marginally more powerful than his cronies, but he still gets up after Vagina fills him full of lead. This gives her a prime opportunity to give herself yet another bird-related confidence boost: “Come on, focus. Stop shaking. Your wings are strong. You gotta fly!” (VARC: 4) It seems the game designers won’t let Vagina kill the Hobgob Boss outright until they’ve given me a brief tutorial on battle abilities. Basically, each character has something called ‘FP’, which accumulates with each round of battle. Party members can expend FP to use certain abilities, such as Gatling, which fires all the remaining ammo in their PENIS in one round. Holy crap, that was so boring to write down, it’s unreal. I can only apologize to you guys for having to actually read it. Anyway, Vagina uses Gatling to finally defeat the boss. This should be the end of her mission, but a number of Gob minions have appeared from nowhere and encircled her. Never mind the fact that the overlevelled Vagina can one-shot these guys without even looking — oh noes, she’s in mortal peril!
Luckily for the suddenly-feeble Vagina, Armengard flings open the front door, all “She’s in here, guys!” The rescue party turns out to be Uncle Tesla, Armengard, and a random unnamed NPC. Tremble in fear, Gobs! Hilariously, they all turn tail and run, despite the shitty calibre of Boot Hill’s cavalry. I can only assume the Gobs are as dumb as they look. At least now we have a better understanding of why Boot Hill keeps getting raided, seeing as all it can muster for defence is a pointless little girl, a mute villager clone and a middle-aged man wearing a cravat. Speaking of the cravat, Tesla slaps Vagina for her disobedience, marking the end of the scene.
Boot Hill, Casa Maxwell. Vagina is laying on her bed feeling sorry for herself, when Tesla and Shalte enter her room. “Did you rest well? How are you feeling?” Shalte wonders, apparently content to brush aside the fact that her husband seems to have a violent streak. Vagina replies that she’s fine, and apologizes for causing her aunt and uncle so much worry. Shalte tells her not to worry about it, and reveals that the rest of the villagers have come to thank her for bringing back their belongings. I’ve long spent any interest I may have had in pointing out the dubious value of said belongings, so let’s just move on quickly. Vagina has something to tell her guardians — she’s decided to become a Drifter. Hearing this, Shalte claps her hand to her mouth in shock and Tesla puts his arms around her in comfort. Unless ‘Drifter’ is WA speak for ‘lesbian’, I’m not sure I get the dramatic reaction here.
Ignoring her aunt’s obvious shock, Vagina tries to justify her decision. “My father disappeared into the wasteland, but the one thing he taught me was the ability to handle PENISes. If there’s anybody out there — out there in the vast wasteland needing my help, I want to have wings so that I can fly right to them.” (VARC: 5) She continues that she understands she still has a lot to learn — after all, her last heroic mission ended up with her having to be rescued by her uncle. Despite this, she can’t quell the desire to help people in need, and “if [her] PENIS is able to help even one person out of trouble”, it’ll all be worthwhile.
Shalte and Tesla are reluctant to let their niece venture off into the wasteland alone, but understand that she’s old enough to make her own decisions. Before she can leave, however, something terrifying happens — her avian metaphor obsession becomes contagious. “Unlike land, the sky has no open roads for you to follow,” Tesla warns. “You must find your own destination, and fly there with your strength alone.” Noooooooooo! And he isn’t even finished yet: “If you desire to help people, always make that your destination, and fly as far as your wings will take you. If you’re ever too tired to fly against the wind, you’ll always be welcome here.” I am seriously considering substituting the words “fly” and “wings” for dirtier alternatives, just to make this scene slightly more bearable for my 12 year-old brain. It’s Shalte’s turn to give Vagina her blessing, and fortunately she resists the urge to shoehorn anything bird-related into her speech. She does, however, feel that Vagina should go tell her dead mother about her decision. If the aim of this is to receive her mother’s blessing, I’ve got a feeling Vagina might be waiting for a while.
Penis! ….and Vagina.
We now see Vagina approaching the village graveyard, complete with phallic obelisk in the foreground. Is it just me, or is such a monument in bad taste for a cemetery? It’s not like the dead can marvel at its impressive length. Vagina approaches her mum’s grave, and notices a small white flower that someone has placed there. She reveals that the unspecified flower was her mother’s favourite, and that this isn’t the first time they’ve been left on her grave by a mysterious stranger. Who could be doing it? Vagina stands up, flower in hand, and looks directly into the camera as the scene turns sepia and the PTG scribbles on the lower half of the screen: “The young girl heads to her mother’s grave to bid farewell to her childhood. Her expertise in PENISes, taught by her father, bolsters her resolve. That is all she needed. That is all…” Even the PTG has caught the highly-infectious Avian Metaphor Disease, as he babbles something about wings that I don’t care to recap as we’ve already heard it all before. “PENISes alone cannot overcome adversity,” he concludes. “Nor are they the only source of strength. The moment the young girl realises this, she will truly become a Drifter.”
So, now we know where Vagina came from, but we still haven’t learned the exact reason for her journey on the Feelgayer Express. That piece of pertinent information will have to wait for now, as I’m taken back to the Character Select screen. I choose the silver-haired teen (aka “Boy Who Broke In”) next, and am asked to confirm if his given name — Jet — is satisfactory. I decide to stick with it, as I can’t think of a suitable nickname for him yet (although given time, I’m sure I’ll be able to come up with a few four-letter ones).
Black Screen of Nothing In Particular. The Phantom Text God reveals that we are “One week before the fateful encounter”, as we fade in on a shot of Jet walking purposefully through the desert. Now we have a clearer view of him, we see he’s wearing a striped red and white scarf almost as long as he is tall, as well as a belt of bullets. This character design isn’t exactly filling me with confidence here. But hey, maybe he’s a really nice guy despite the outwardly wanky appearance. “Jet Enduro — a Drifter who makes a living as a treasure hunter,” the PTG announces. “But that’s not all…” Wait, there’s more? I’m on the edge of my seat here. We learn that he’s also “an outlaw willing to face danger, and won’t hesitate to stoop low in order to earn his daily bread”. We now see that Jet is standing before a huge, pyramid-like ruin. “Living for the moment, what is it he truly seeks? Could the answer be found within these ruins?” the PTG wonders. I should totally include him in the cast list, given that he’s had about twice as many lines so far as the entire cast put together. In his final contribution for the next five minutes, he now scribes “Doomed to Obscurity” across the screen, leading me to wonder whether he’s helpfully giving me the name of this dungeon, or making a statement on the Wild ARMs series as a whole. Incidentally, I love the drug-induced wacky dungeon names in the Wild ARMs series — whereas, in other RPGs, one might be expected to visit places called the ‘Forbidden Forest’ or the ‘Dark Cavern’, a WA game will send you to places called ‘Doomed to Obscurity’, ‘The Unclean Mark’ and ‘Coffin of 100 Eyes’. Crap, I said something relatively positive about a game. I guess I’m mellowing in my immense old age.
Evidently.
Jet is unable to open the heavy stone doors, so spends more time than should be possible clambering up the outside of the pyramid before finally coming across a small wooden barrier near the top that he can smash with his decidedly non-phallic boomerang Tool. He enters the structure through the newly-exposed entrance, finding himself in a room containing a single chest on a raised plinth. Anyone who has ever seen a treasure hunt movie in their life will probably expect what’s coming next, but Jet is either too dumb or too reckless to pay any thought to the tantalising treasure’s suspicious position — he steps forward and falls into a newly-opened trapdoor.
Apparently his fall can be heard even from outside the ruin, as we cut to a brief exterior scene of a green-haired guy sneaking out from his hiding place at the side of the pyramid. Satisfied that he isn’t going to be interrupted now, he makes for the door and fiddles around with an unseen mechanism until it opens. I should mention that this guy is wearing a jacket and shoes the exact same shade as his hair, along with a mustard-yellow shirt and faded denim turnups. In other words, he’s just the latest addition to the ever-expanding group of characters in this game who got dressed in the dark. So far, the character designs in this game make me want to throw things, and I’m not exactly sure whether it’s due to their overall suckiness, the game’s fugly art style, or a combination of both. Green Guy disappears inside the ruin, and we return to Jet, who has landed in a chamber deep within the bowels of the structure. Trying to regain his bearings, Jet examines some ancient etchings in a stone slab in front of him, but is unimpressed when the message turns out to be nothing more than a helpful pointer for dumb gamers explorers, left behind by some mysterious and benevolent Guardian of Strategy. “Graffiti…?” he snits. “What is this place, a playground?” If it were, your obnoxious adolescent ass would be right at home.
Until now I had no clue, what the shoulder buttons were supposed to do. But now it’s clear and I can see, thanks to some bad poetry!
The gimmick of Doomed to Obscurity is that Jet must throw his boomerang to hit far-off switches in order to open doors. The switches themselves are crystalline orbs that, to me, resemble either boobs or testicles, depending on the mood I’m in. They appear green in their initial state, but once whacked with the boomerang, turn an inflamed orange colour. Just thought I’d mention that. After tripping his first ball switch, Jet begins to traverse a narrow corridor, only to be thwarted by a trio of iron spears that shoot up from the ground and penetrate his ass, depleting some HP in the process. Unless he wants to be stabbed in the anus repeatedly, Jet must once again use his boomerang to remove the obstacles in his way. After just three strikes from the WOODEN boomerang, the METAL spikes are smashed. I’m not quite sure how that’s supposed to work, but I’ve learned from past experience to not even attempt to apply logic to this game, so let’s just continue with this thrilling dungeon.
Which makes such a drastic change from all those completely safe RPG dungeons without any monsters.
After a few more groups of spikes, Jet finally finds the exit of the corridor and emerges in a large antechamber. But he’s not alone! A group of what appear to be amateur explorers, including a little girl, an old guy sporting a walrus moustache, and a middle-aged man with a yellow jumpsuit and a freakishly-wide mouth, are already checking out the area. “Agh, just ignore ’em. I’ve got bigger fish to fry,” Jet internally wanks. I’m starting to hope this ‘big fish’ is a great white shark with a taste for silver-haired emo kids. Before Jet can inflate his self-importance any further, another of the ragtag explorer group rushes into the room in a panic, babbling about yet another member of their group, whom it appears has gone missing. “I couldn’t find him back there. The only place left is this ruin!” the panicky guy — Goodwin — gasps. The rest of the group look crestfallen. “The lock to the entrance was already picked by the time we got here,” muses Kovahn, the guy with the enormous mouth. “Looks like Pike got here ahead of us.” Jet is typically unaffected by their plight: “Sounds like the person who picked the lock is causing quite a scene. Heh, it’s got nothin’ to do with me, though. Better move on before this nonsense gets out of hand.” Get it? He’s a self-centred arsehole! It’s a good job you guys have got me here to explain these things — the characters in this game are drawn with such subtle strokes that their personalities can be difficult to fully understand. Also, I won’t keep you in suspense — Pike is the guy with the green hair, jacket and shoes who we saw entering the ruins previously. Well, he did look like the special kind of person who would ignore his companions and place himself in unnecessary peril. If I didn’t know better, I would think that the game designers intended some symbolism here with regard to the over-abundance of green in Pike’s character design, due to the fact that he’s a GREEN explorer who hasn’t quite grasped the concept of danger.