Rutee still isn’t sure Leon is up to the task of supervising them (surely having someone incompetent watching over them would make their lives easier? Why is she complaining?), but the king reassures her that his skill is on par with the awesome-o Seven Generals. “How lovely! I feel sooooo much better now!” she replies, sarcasm oozing from every word. You know, I still like her as a character, but it’s beyond me how she’s managed to avoid being thrown back in jail (or worse) after witnessing her behaviour in this scene. “Just stay out of my way,” Leon bitches, flicking his pink cape over his shoulder nonchalantly. I know I keep ragging on his fashion sense, but come on – of all the colours to choose for his cape, he decided on THAT? “Hmm, which shade best reflects my badass nature and unrivalled swordsmanship? Ah, cherry blossom!”

The king informs the group of the temple’s location — “deep in the mountains northeast of Darilsheid”. Well, that sounds straightforward enough. I was worried for a moment that I’d have to spend hours searching for it. Thankfully, the scene finally ends and all the soldier clones file out of the throne room, leaving Aslan and friends kinda just standing around awkwardly in front of the king. Because this is my first time doing all this, I’m paranoid I’ll miss out on some awesome secret item or piece of equipment if I don’t interact with every single person in the game, so Aslan reluctantly begins the recap’s first round of Talk To Everyone. The general consensus in the castle is that the party got off lucky, as the king is apparently a ruthless bastard most of the time. Maybe Bill did a special favour for him last night? Speaking of special favours, the castle’s female employees all seem to be falling over each other for the opportunity to suck Leon’s dick. This is wrong on several levels — not only is Leon just 16, while the chambermaids all seem at least a year or two older, they all appear to be missing the fact that, if the guy were actually legal, he’d probably prefer hanging out in the barracks to the scullery. Like that.

In the dining area of the castle, a soldier clone informs Aslan that the soldiers take staggered meal breaks in order to reduce the risk of a food poisoning epidemic. Uh, that’s all well and good, but maybe if the kitchen staff practised basic food hygiene, the risk would be reduced even further? One of the cooks snits “Hmph, you don’t need to check my food for food poisoning. There’s nothing wrong with the meals I prepare!”, while down the hall, a second soldier clone brags that the castle is almost impregnable. Now, I have no idea if any of this will turn out to be relevant, but it all seems a little anvilicious for my liking. Aslan finds a loaf of HP-replenishing bread inside a sack nearby, so possible foreshadowing isn’t the only reward he gets from coming in here.

Near the king’s private chamber (nudge, wink), a soldier clone tells Aslan that the queen is suffering from a long-term illness and has shut herself away in her own chambers. First, I’m surprised there is a queen (doesn’t the king already fit that particular title?), and second, the poor woman is obviously hiding away in shame, no longer able to cope with the whispers in the corridor and the knowing glances that she’s living a lie. It’s quite a sad situation, really.

An inconspicuous bookcase in a side-room contains someone’s diary, which Aslan eagerly flicks through, finding a disturbing entry in the process: “Today is the 23rd day of the 1st month. The skies are clear and beautiful today. I think my gaze met with Leon’s. Maybe Leon was looking at me too. I felt soooo happy today!” …What the fuck? The only conclusion I can draw from this is that poor Leon has a paedophilic stalker, and right now, King Seinegald is #1 on my Potential Suspects list.

Nothing else in the castle is worth mentioning, which makes it even more annoying that the place is built like the freaking Labyrinth of Knossos. Seriously, I checked the tape, and it took Aslan more than 7 minutes to find his way from the kitchen to the entrance hall. Rather than accept that my less-than-keen sense of direction is behind this, I choose instead to lay the blame squarely at Aslan’s feet — all that hair probably keeps getting in his eyes.

Once my throat is hoarse from howling and there’s no hair left on my head, I look at the screen again to discover that Aslan has finally managed to get his dumb ass out of the castle, and is now in a peaceful courtyard area. A curious building standing within the shadow of the castle’s walls houses “Otto’s Laboratory”, a small tiled room containing a handful of scientists and a plethora of drug-manufacturing paraphernalia chemistry apparatus. Otto himself is a stereotypical white-haired crazy scientist, although this can probably be explained by the years of drug abuse that have ravaged his mind and body. He starts ranting about being the best scientist in the world, so Aslan, realizing the guy is tripping balls, decides to speak to the other people in the lab. Incidentally, it’s only now that I notice the suspicious-looking plants on the other side of the room. As Rutee formulates a plan to steal one of the cannabis plants to exchange for Lens, a red-haired scientist excitedly babbles to Aslan about the ancient race known as the Aetherians, who perished at the height of the Aeth’er Wars. Apparently, there is speculation that one of them actually survived, but it’s highly unlikely that the party will ever encounter this individual (right? Right?!) so I pay it little attention.

Exposited up to the eyeballs, Aslan hurriedly leaves Otto’s Meth Factory and passes back through the courtyard, this time noticing the ornamental fountain in its centre. It’s immediately obvious that the king commissioned this baby — the column of the fountain itself is phallic, and is surrounded by a square of four larger penis pillars. Aslan laments that it would have been perfect if the water was coming out the top of the fountain instead of the sides (or if there had been a peeing boy or two perched on top of the entire structure), but a guy can’t have everything.

Finally able to explore the city itself, Aslan tries to locate Bill’s mansion. One would think it would be easy enough to find, being the largest building in the city, but it still takes me far longer than it should to stumble across it as Darilsheid is just as enormous as its castle. Walking through the door, Leon shouts for someone called Marian. Receiving no answer, he leads the party up a grand staircase, where a white-haired old man named Rembrandt is waiting for him. “Ah, Rembrandt,” Leon greets him brusquely. “Where is Marian…I mean, [Bill]?” Wait…does this mean Marian and Bill are one and the same? Is he Bill from Monday to Friday, and Marian at weekends? I’m confused. Rembrandt calls Leon by name, only for him to indignantly reply “I told you not to call me that.” Again, what the hell? Is anyone in this recap actually using their real name?! Not elaborating on these issues, Rembrandt instead informs he-might-not-be-Leon that “Master [Bill]” is in his office. He also calls Leon “my boy”, which is somehow intensely creepy to me. Rutee starts laughing at Leon because Rembrandt called him a boy or something, so he activates her Tiara of Pain in revenge, causing her to fall down the stairs. Maybe I should get a jolt from one of those things, then things in this scene might start making some kind of sense.

Rembrandt finally asks Leon who this suspicious group of strangers is, and Leon basically replies that he’s babysitting them. “Hey, I thought we were working together…” Aslan whines, making me want to activate his Tiara of Pain myself. Shut up, Aslan. “Leon tends to keep people at a distance on purpose,” Rembrandt explains, trying to put a lid on the simmering tension. Bizarrely, Mary gets a love-heart above her head at this point, and I’m not sure I want an explanation for it. I’ll just assume she’s got a great view of Rutee’s hotpants-clad ass from her current position. Trying to play the doting host — I guess he’s Bill’s housekeeper or something — Rembrandt tells the party that any guests of “the young Master Leon” are welcome here. Wait, does that mean Leon lives here too? With Bill? I don’t think I need to point out the squick-factor here, given that there’s no indication they’re related in any way. Maybe “Marian” wrote the creepy diary entry, too. God, this whole arrangement is just getting more horrifying by the minute. I’m praying that there’s another, more wholesome explanation for all this.

Possibly wanting to divert attention away from his living arrangements, Leon brushes Rembrandt off, declaring that they have no time for pleasantries. He leads the group into Bill/Marian’s office, where he/she is sitting at a bureau, perhaps writing his/her latest obsessive diary entry. Leon delivers a stiff greeting, and Bill replies that he’s here earlier than he expected. It’s almost like the fucker knew I would get lost trying to find his enormous house. We abruptly cut to a dining hall, with the party and Bill seated at a long table. “I want to give you something…” Bill leers, almost forcing me to lose my lunch until I realise he’s talking to Aslan, not Leon. The “something” turns out to be the confiscated SoS and Atwight, who are carried into the room by a housemaid. To my eternal relief, she turns out to be the mysterious Marian. Well, I guess that makes Bill marginally less creepy.

Reunited with his feckless partner, SoS whispers, unusually-sincerely, that he worried he was going to be put in storage again. Aww. Atwight is similarly relieved to see Rutee again, musing that she was beginning to worry about their fate. There’s still time, Atwight. Bill clears his throat and prepares a monologue of exposition, like we haven’t heard enough of them already. The gist of his long, rambling speech is that the legends state 6 Swordians saved the world at the time of the Aeth’er Wars (for some reason, that apostrophe annoys me more each time I have to type it). With SoS, Atwight, and Leon’s Swordian Chaltier all in the party’s possession, half the Swordians in the world are currently assembled, which is apparently some kind of omen. I’ve been beaten with various weapons of foreshadowing so much in the last half-hour that I’m almost at the point of unconsciousness, so I make Aslan run away before Bill can rupture his eardrums with more heavy-handed idiot lectures.

Before getting the hell out of Bill’s Sex Den, Aslan explores the rest of the property in the hope of finding some expensive equipment. Alas, his search is fruitless, although every other fucking thing in the mansion is lavish and extravagant. Seriously, every examinable object has a prefix of “expensive” or “magnificent”, even the freaking toilet. Yes, Bill is rich. We get it. Of course, the estate itself is — surprise! — gigantic and easy to get lost in, meaning I get to “enjoy” watching Aslan wander around in a confused state for ten minutes, much like Shion being told to sit in the corner of an igloo. Fuck off, map designer.

In one of the many halls of the villa, Aslan stumbles upon some unsettling subtext (in Bill’s house?! Never!): a housemaid clone confides in him that “Master Rembrandt is nice, but sometimes…” After a pregnant pause, she finishes “…he can be really moody.” Of course, the implication is “he touches me in inappropriate places”. As if this weren’t creepy enough, another maid standing nearby wails “Ohhh…it’s my turn tonight…” When Aslan returns a quizzical expression, she lies “Oh…it’s such a pain…to cook dinner.” Throughout these conversations, Rembrandt the Sex Pest just stands there impassively, practically daring the frightened young serving girls to reveal the true extent of his depravity. What is WRONG with the people in this household?!

Feeling desperately unclean, Aslan continues his exploration of the maze-like mansion before eventually ending up back at the entrance. Here, Leon suddenly decides that he’s forgotten something and is going back inside for a moment. Sure thing, Leon, but if Rembrandt shuffles downstairs, I’m outta here. Sashaying back towards the dining hall, Leon briefly shoots the rest of the party a dirty look and reminds them there’s no point trying to escape, as he has the means to frazzle what passes for their brains in an instant. As Aslan tries to process this information, we see a short scene in which Leon says goodbye to Marian the housemaid, for some unknown reason. She’s totally acting like his secret girlfriend here, so the poor girl’s clearly deluded. Maybe she should strike up a friendship with the queen, since they appear to have so much in common. Marian comments that Bill would be angry if he knew they were talking like this, causing Leon to dramatically cry “Don’t ever utter that bastard’s name in front of me!” Oh God. I really don’t want to know what Bill may have done to him to provoke such ire. Marian tries to comfort her intended beau, calling him by his real name — Emilio. We don’t yet find out why he’s calling himself Leon, nor do I care at this point; I just want to get out of this repellent house before someone tries to molest me.

I think what we’re supposed to get from this scene is that Leon, despite outwardly appearing a cold and callous ass, secretly has feeeeeelings too, or something. It’s hard to be sure, though, as the characterization in this game is so subtle. We cut back to Aslan and co, where Rutee is kvetching because Leon’s late back. Christ, he left thirty seconds ago. Thankfully, His Pinkness returns right at this moment, averting another screaming fit. He then reminds the gang that the tiaras on their heads are to stop them escaping, makes a few disdainful comments, generally acts like a cunt, and OH MY GOD WE GET IT.

Because he apparently hates himself, Aslan tries to acquaint himself with the rest of the city, no mean feat when you consider who’s controlling him. After what feels like a year and a half, he finds the Inn, only to discover that it, too, has been conjured up from hell for the sole purpose of getting him lost — a cheery message box pops up, gloating that he’s now in the “Velvet Gardens Inn, East Wing”. Yes, the Inn in this place is so large that it has freaking East and West wings. Given that I love exploring so much, I’ve been truly blessed during this recap!!

Nobody in the Inn has anything useful to say, so Aslan tries to leave, a task much more difficult than it should be. God damn it, why does EVERYTHING in this city have to be labyrinthine?! It would be nice to be able to get from, say, the Inn to the Weapon Store without having to pack a map, compass (not Comp-Ass) and a week’s worth of supplies for the trip. Atamoni only knows how the people here manage to stagger back to their own homes after a night in the tavern.