Tales of Destiny
Part 1
"I’m just a guy with a really big…sword. And hair."
In this fledgling ToD recap, we meet our big-haired hero, Stahn, and his snarky talking sword companion. Stahn is a simple lad with a big heart who seeks fame and fortune, but is more likely to receive misery and hardship with a generous dollop of saving-the-world-sauce. That’s if he can make it until the end of the game without killing himself due to depression-by-proxy — his co-stars don’t seem the happiest bunch, see. Just what have I let myself in for?
Part 2
"A tale of passports, petite plunderers and pumped-up powerhouses."
Aslan’s journey continues as he joins forces with two new party members. Unfortunately for him, they both have vaginas (and spines!!), one hates him, and the other one is an amnesiac who is seriously packing some testosterone. More importantly, they all end up in jail. I hope this game uses capital punishment.
Part 3
"How NOT to follow directions — a cautionary tale of woe, wankst and wailing."
Aslan and the gang are sent to investigate strange goings-on at Straylize Temple – so far, so simple. The main problem, however, is actually getting there, a feat so impossible that I very nearly give up on the game altogether. If that isn’t enough to tempt you, this recap’s also full to the brim with creepy old men, electric shocks and phallic monuments. Not all together, though — that would just be wrong.