Without further ado, Aslan and Sword of Snark jump into the escape pod (how cosy, just enough room for two!) which promptly ejects itself from the ass of the Draconis and plummets to Earth via some quite crappy graphical effects. We see a cutscene of the pod falling into an icy environment and landing right in the middle of a lake. Oops. Moments later, Aslan crawls out of the lake and ponders on his mortality among the frost and snow. “Hey, Aslan!” SoS cries from Aslan’s pocket, or his ass, or something. “Be strong, stay awake!” But Aslan fails to respond; it seems that not even his haystack of a hairdo has provided enough insulation to prevent the onset of hypothermia, and he blacks out. Luckily, though, a passing stranger takes him in and puts him to bed (nudge, wink). An unspecified amount of time later, Aslan wakes up in a strange bed (probably not for the first time) where his rescuer — a tanned, pretty young man with flowing silver hair — comes onto the scene. Yes, I believe it’s Silver Haired Depressive from the Intro of Suicide. God help Aslan if that’s the case.

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“You’re deep in the mountains of Phandaria. We found you lying unconscious by the lake, kid,” he reveals. “Since then, I’ve made sure you’ve been…well accommodated,” he doesn’t quite add. Aslan, understandably, wants to know the name of this hot young knight in blue armour. “My name is Garr. I’m a traveler,” he replies. Whoa, stop right there. Since I’m already sharing recapping duties of a game with a character named Garr, this is going to confuse me to hell. So, Garr, your name must go. A quick flick through the instruction manual tells me your surname is Kelvin, and so that’s what I’ll call you from now on. Hope you don’t mind. And now, back to your regularly scheduled recap!

“Thank you for rescuing me,” Aslan gushes. “No problem,” Kelvin replies, taking in Aslan’s lustrous barnet. “You look like you’ve done some traveling yourself…” Aslan seizes the opportunity to tell Kelvin his life story. “Yes, I left home to see the world and maybe even become rich and famous along the way…” Aww. Dare to dream, country-boy. Dare to dream. Not interested in Aslan’s hopes and dreams, Kelvin wonders what he was doing by the lake. “I was aboard a flying dragon, but it was attacked by monsters…” Aslan replies matter-of-factly, as if he’s describing a weird dream he had the other night. Kelvin doesn’t seem at all fazed by this, so we can assume flying dragons are a regular sight in ToD-Land.

‘…And I’d just love to check it out sometime.’ *wink*

Aslan wonders where Sword of Snark went, prompting Kelvin to take him by the hand (hey, these are sprite graphics. They do whatever I want them to do) and lead him upstairs to a larger room, where SoS sits quietly on a table. “By the way, you have something interesting there…” Kelvin remarks, referring to the sword…ian. Aslan tries to play dumb, but isn’t fooling anybody; Kelvin knows full well that the damn thing can talk. “This sword will help you someday…” he says cryptically, making Aslan look to SoS for answers. “You’d probably get an answer faster from [Sword of Snark] if you just asked him,” Kelvin advises. Aslan does so, to no response. This is repeated several times. “Ha ha ha, it’s okay…I don’t think he likes me…” Kelvin shrugs. “That’s right. Especially someone with a cynical attitude like you, [Kelvin]” a mystery voice declares from offscreen. Said voice belongs to an elderly man named Alba, who appears to be Kelvin’s master. Alba makes polite chit-chat with Aslan, telling him how glad he is that he’s feeling better. He probably can’t wait for the lazy bastard to get out of his house.

But he also has something to say to Kelvin. “She hasn’t returned yet. Can you go look for her?” he pleads. ‘She’ turns out to be Alba’s young granddaughter, who went off into the forest and hasn’t come home. Gee, letting a young girl wander off alone into a monster-infested forest…that’s award-winning grandparenting right there. As Kelvin prepares to set out, Aslan begs to come along as a way of repaying Kelvin and Alba for rescuing him. Yeah, I’m sure that’s the reason. I just hope you’ve got your pepper spray handy, Kelvin. Kelvin shocks Aslan by referring to him by name — “How do you know my name? Can you read my mind or something?”. Kelvin chuckles and replies “Something like that…” Ooh, Mr Mysterious has a secret. This, coupled with his assessment that Sword of Snark doesn’t like him, appears to imply that young Kelvin isn’t entirely trustworthy. But I hasten to add that, this time, it really is only a hunch, so don’t start screaming at me if I turn out to be wrong about this.

Tales of Destiny: taking RPGs to a whole new level of realism.

En route to the front door, Aslan takes a wrong turn and ends up in Alba’s granddaughter’s bedroom. In contrast to the relative minimalism of the other rooms in the house, this huge room contains, among other things, a huge make-up mirror, stuffed teddy bears, a large bookcase and an easel. I’m getting the impression that this kid is granddaddy’s little girl, if you follow me. And I really don’t want to dwell on that. One of the books on the shelf is a philosophy book, giving us our first clue that this ain’t no ordinary girl.

Okay, it isn’t my imagination — he’s so checking him out.

And so, into the woods. Kelvin proves to be a disappointment in battle – puny Aslan still does all the work, while Kelv keeps his Level 8 self out of the fray, occasionally firing a half-hearted arrow and missing by a mile. So much for teamwork. After half an hour of this, and what seems like years trying to find my way around acres of forest that look exactly the same, Aslan and Kelvin find a pink-haired little mite hiding in a corner. A jaunty tune begins to play as the girl — Chelsea — asks what’s wrong, clearly oblivious to the fact that her dear grandpappy has sent out a search party for her. “I think he was saying that he needs your help badly…” Kelvin reveals. “He said something about sewing buttons on his pants…” Riiight. And I bet he’ll still be wearing them when the sewing takes place. Poor Chelsea sweatdrops upon hearing this. “He needs me for THAT?” she cries. “He was once a revered master archer! This is so embarrassing!” Clearly anguished, Chelsea runs around in circles at breakneck speed, causing Aslan to shake his mane in bewilderment. Just what has he stumbled into? Kelvin assures Chelsea that there’s more to Ol’ Grandpa Seymour’s concern than sewing — yeah, I bet there is — and that he’s genuinely worried about her being lost. Chelsea replies indignantly that she isn’t lost, she’s simply been “hanging out with Keyaki and her other friends”. Since there’s nobody else to be seen in the clearing, we can therefore assume that Chelsea: A) has imaginary friends; B) is a pathological liar; or C) is a raving lunatic. Given what we’ve seen of her family so far, you can hardly blame the girl.

“We were having so much fun, and we just lost track of time…” she continues. “I’m not lost or anything…” Yeah, Chelsea, we believe you. “I don’t deserve to be treated like a baby!” she whines, to which Kelvin reminds her that “A 14 year old is still a child”. Not according to Alba, allegedly. Just as Chelsea agrees to come home, she finally spots Aslan, who has been standing around with his thumb up his ass for the past five minutes. “…By the way, who is this?” she enquires, instantly suspicious of Aslan’s ‘do. “Oh, this is Aslan. He’s on a journey to seek fame and fortune,” Kelvin informs her, and you just know he’s stifling a laugh at the “fame and fortune” part. “How do you do?” Chelsea introduces herself. “I’m Chelsea Torn, Master Alba’s granddaughter.”

…Good grief. And I thought ‘Aslan Aileron’ was bad. ‘Chelsea Torn’ sounds like a low-rate porn star or female indy wrestler. “I’m honored to make your acquaintance, sir,” she continues. Her sprite doesn’t curtsey, but I’m sure the sentiment is there. Aslan comments on her extraordinarily refined manners. Usually I’d agree — the 14 year old girls where I live would slit your throat as soon as look at you — but come on, this is Chelsea we’re talking about. She’s probably had to grow up very quickly with Alba as her sole guardian. “It’s hard growing up with a grandfather who can’t do anything by himself…” she sighs, confirming my dark suspicions. “Well, it’s hard for the Master to have a grandchild who easily gets lost,” Kelvin retorts. Shut up, Kelvin, and go work on your tan or something.

Thankfully, Chelsea’s prowess in battle far outweighs Kelvin’s, as she pumps monsters full of arrows like there’s no tomorrow. That’s right, Kelvin, stay behind the 14 year old girl. Before too long the trio have found their way back to Alba’s house, where the old geezer himself has come out to greet them. “I’m glad all of you are safe,” Alba says, hoping for Kelvin and Aslan to leave quickly so that Chelsea can start sewing his buttons. “Grandpa! Can’t you fix your own pants?” Chelsea sighs. “Now, calm down child,” he replies. “You’ve got plenty of time to fix it.” Oh my God. Chelsea isn’t prepared to accept this. “I can’t keep doing everything for you for the rest of my life!” she cries, steam billowing from her sprite to show us she’s Really Pissed. “Chelsea, that’s more than enough,” Kelvin interjects, shocking the poor girl. “[Kelvin], you’re on his side too?!” she gasps in disbelief. This scene is entering new dimensions of wrongness. “You shouldn’t spoil Grandpa like that!” she continues, implying that she’s not the only one fixing his pants.

I think somebody forgot to remind the costume designer that this is a 14 year old girl.

Alba, meanwhile, has heard enough. “I seee, is this how you young ones gang up and abuse a helpless old man?!” he yells. I don’t think Chelsea is the one doing the abusing, Alba. “Who’s the helpless old man?!” Chelsea retorts. Alba asks if she has no gratitude for “the one who has taken care of her so far”. In a word, gramps, NO. “I think I’m going to be depressed…” he whispers, tugging on Chelsea’s heartstrings. Resigned to her fate, she sighs “Okay! I’ll fix your pants…But just this one last time only!” Poor girl. “Oh, goody. Chelsea is so kind…” Alba rejoices. I think I’m going to throw up. Chelsea can’t take any more and dashes inside the house. Kelvin asks Alba what he meant by “gang up and treat [him] badly”, but Alba plays it off as merely a figure of speech. This may or may not be relevant later…your guess is as good as mine.

Kelvin refuses a reward for bringing Chelsea home, but Aslan eagerly accepts his own prize, a ‘Melange Gel’, before following Alba and Kelvin back inside. Alba enquires as to where Aslan was headed before they took him in, and so we hear, once again, that Aslan was heading for Seinegald, to a city called Darilsheid. Why do all the places in this game sound European? Alba reveals that, in order to get to Seinegald, Aslan must pass through the border village of Janos, a short distance away. To return the favour of helping him find Chelsea, Kelvin agrees to accompany Aslan as far as Janos, not that his skewed archery skillz will be of any use. Alba asks if Kelvin will be coming straight back, but Kelvin says he is considering going home for a while. What, so Kelvin doesn’t live here? Hearing that Kelvin is leaving, Chelsea is distraught. She is clearly in love with him, not that the heart bubble floating above her head is a giveaway. “Chelsea will wait impatiently for you,” she vows, lapsing into the accursed third-person style of speech all ‘kawaii’ characters are apparently required to use. I feel bad for leaving her alone with Alba, but it’s not like I have the option to recruit her.

Making good use of the save point outside Alba’s house, Aslan and Kelvin decide to rest before heading to Janos…certainly not because I’m deciding to end this recap here. Well, my first foray into the world of ToD was pretty much painless, but what lies ahead? Who knows.