Loading ...By the way, has anyone seen my bottle of Baileys? I know I left it around here somewhere…ahem. Officer asks Aslan where the hell he’s from, to which The Slovenly Lion replies that he hails from “the village of Lienea in Fitzgald”. Hearing this, the guards confiscate his sword before assuring the Captain that “He doesn’t appear to have anything suspicious”. I wouldn’t be so sure, guys. You don’t know what that well-coiffed mass of blondness could be concealing.
“The Draconis is my ship!” the Captain helpfully reveals, giving us some sort of inkling as to where the hell Aslan is. Except not. The Draconis could be anything; a cargo ship, a luxury cruise liner, a gay orgy ship…hey, this is an RPG, remember. “Why are you here?!” the Cap’n continues, seemingly as desperate as I am to find out what’s going on. Aslan replies that he just wanted passage to Seinegald, wherever that is. Maybe it’s some kind of gay Mecca for effeminate men with beautiful hair. Now that would be a good twist. “Liar!!!” the Captain responds, triple exclamation points and all. “You’ve come to steal IT, haven’t you?” And yes, “IT” is actually red and in uppercase, telling us that it — sorry, IT — must be Very Important. As a side note, I never fail to be baffled by the use of coloured text in character dialogue. Sure, bold and italicized dialogue I can understand — it actually emphasises something — but how the hell does one say something in a red way, or use blue intonation, or emphasise the yellow? I guess it’s just another to add to the long list of Unanswered RPG Questions, the answers to which are probably sealed in a cursed chamber in an ancient pyramid somewhere.
Loading ...Aslan insists that he has no fecking idea what IT is, but nobody believes him. Just like when he tells people he’s straight, I imagine. At this point, the Cap’n tells the crew to use Aslan “like a punching bag” to get him to talk. Um, Cap’n, they’ve kinda been doing that for the past ten minutes, and it isn’t exactly working. We get our first Black Screen as punching noises, interwoven with Aslan’s grunting, penetrate the air. You know, if someone were inclined to make immature sexual jokes, they could have a field day with this scene, especially when Aslan is told to “spit it out”. But there’s nobody like that here at VGR, thank heavens. We wouldn’t want to offend anyone! As they assrape beat Aslan black and blue, Officer and Crewman repeat that he must have come “looking for IT in the storeroom”, to which Aslan screams breathlessly — somebody immature would, at this point, point out that he appears close to orgasm — “I…REALLY…DON’T…KNOW!!” The strangled yell Aslan emits after this only serves to confirm the immature person’s suspicions. The screen once again fills with colour, to the sight of Aslan moaning about his “aching head”. By now, the Captain seems satisfied that Aslan isn’t planning to steal IT, so instructs the crew to “make him swab the deck or something”. “Swab the deck” is totally a euphemism.
I don’t know whether to be grateful for the Black Screen or not.
For some reason, either Crewman or Officer (again, I can’t tell which one) has been renamed “Guard” since the last scene. It strikes me as hilarious that one of them was either promoted or demoted whilst having their wicked way with Aslan. But I digress. The guard tells Aslan that he was unlucky to sneak onboard “at a time like this”. This implies that Aslan wouldn’t have gotten the rough treatment if he had decided to stow away at any other time. So how the hell do they normally greet stowaways? With tea, biscuits and anal penetration? Poor Aslan only got the last one. When he plays dumb — only, he’s not playing — the guard asks if he’s figured out that the Draconis is transporting something important. Aslan neglects to mention that the feverish references to “IT” every ten seconds were kind of a giveaway, and instead simply follows the guard out onto the deck.
Here’s where we finally find out what the hell the Draconis is. And it ain’t any old ship. Nope, it’s an airship. But wait! It isn’t your standard run-of-the-mill airship, either. It’s a fecking dragon airship — the big grey dragon from the intro, to be precise. I don’t know about you guys, but this is a complete shock to me. I know I never would have figured out that a ship with the name “Draconis” would have anything to do with a dragon. Something is befuddling me, though — is the Draconis a dragon with an airship built into it (sounds painful) or an airship brought to life as a dragon? My brain hurts. As he and Aslan cross the deck, the guard suddenly says “Something’s not right…I can feel it…”. And, as is always the case with these situations, his uneasy feelings will prove to be completely unfounded, I’m sure. Hell, I almost know what’s going to happen next, even though I technically don’t! Aslan is told not to do anything stupid — “like falling off the deck” — something which is then repeated several times in a scene that conjures up a miniature version of Groundhog Day. Aslan says he’s scared. Guard tells him that they’re extremely high up and, should he fall off the deck, he’s finished. Lather, rinse, repeat until the guard finishes with “You won’t fall unless you try real hard”. With advice like that, Aslan should be as safe as houses.
As the guard leaves to find and molest some other poor stowaway, Aslan grabs his mop (his cleaning tool, not his hair) and starts a’swabbing. Cut to the Draconis control room, where several Crewman/Officer/Guard clones are panicking about “something approaching on an intercept vector! Range 300 and closing!” The something – of which there are apparently over 100 – turns out to be a buttload of monsters. The Captain instructs the crew to “increase Lens generator output to plus 120%, so we can shake them!” At this point I have no idea what Lens is/are, but I’m sure some helpful NPCs will impart the valuable information countless times before the recap’s over, so I’m not worrying too much. Before we fade out, the Cap’n declares that IT mustn’t be allowed to fall into the monsters’ hands. Cut back to Aslan swabbing the deck, when he is startled by the sound of an alarm. I’m surprised he could hear it at all, what with that shaggy mane covering his ears. We now see the legions of monsters pouring onto the ship. They’re nothing special – just common or garden-variety winged imps and orc-type beasts wearing animal skins. One of the orcs lands behind the unfortunate guard (who, mystifyingly, has reappeared on the deck) and ambushes him with a roar that sounds exactly like that stupid “Wazzzzaaaaap!” craze that was sweeping the world a few years ago. The orc kills the guard, as I kill myself laughing. The monster warns Aslan that he’s next, and, remembering he doesn’t have a weapon, our brave lion of a hero turns tail and exits faster than a recapper at a James Arnold Taylor meet’n’greet.
Now that I finally have control of The Cowardly Lion, I make sure to change the colour of the menu windows to a fabulous pink, to better reflect the inclinations of the male characters we’ve seen so far. You know I’m right. While trying to find a weapon to “make monster mincemeat”, Aslan coldly pillages the bodies of the slain guards (I promise I didn’t intend for that to sound so wrong) and procures several helpful items, including a Green Gel (the standard healing item) and a cloak (which looks more like a dress on the item description screen – no surprises there). After this, he spends half an hour searching for an elusive weapon, purely because the recapper he still hasn’t grown familiar with the layout of this monstrous ship yet. Inside a toilet cubicle he finds another Green Gel, then stumbles into a darkened storeroom (which could be the same one he was taking a nap in earlier), where something shining in the corner catches his eye. Ooh, shiny shiny. It’s a sword, which we see in all its glory in an impromptu cutscene. And yes, it’s the big one with the eye-like thing from the intro, and is more than likely IT. Aren’t you glad I’m here to point things out? Something else I should point out is that I have never played any of the other games in the “Tales of…” series, so feel free to bombard me with emails informing me that I didn’t mention how A links to B in game C. No, wait…that was a joke. I’m serious. Put down the keyboards and move away from your email programs. Please.
Aslan mutters aloud that the sword is “A piece of junk” but, since swords aren’t exactly in bountiful supply on the Draconis, he can’t complain. He is startled by an indignant voice, which turns out to belong to…the sword. Yep, the frigging sword talks. Remember the last time this happened? “My name is Dymlos,” the sword declares. “I am the Swordian you hold in your hand.” Swordian? Oh, right. Not sword. My sincere apologies, Dymlos. Aghast that his newly-acquired sword — sorry, Swordian — has the power of speech, Aslan starts to lose it. Dymlos calls him a “stupid fool” (I like him already) and insists that he’ll protect Aslan from the enemy, one of whom has conveniently entered the storeroom.
I quickly find out that this game’s battle system is the best thing ever. Just imagine Streetfighter in an RPG and you won’t be far off. Even as a person who usually sucks at Action RPG battle systems, I somehow manage to slice and thrust my way across the battle screen, slaying the ‘Barbarian’ in the process. Job done, Aslan lets loose with the funniest “Yahoo!” I’ve ever heard. “Not bad for a novice,” Dymlos remarks after the battle. Hee. Thanks Dymlos. He then asks Aslan for his name, and Aslan obliges, cringing inwardly in the knowledge that it sounds so awful. “Now, Aslan Air-something or other,” Dymlos replies — I love him — “You’ll be powerless, so I’ve given you a spell.” The spell – Fireball – turns out to be a standard low-level magic attack, but hey, it’s better than nothing. After a few minutes of idle chit-chat, Dymlos reminds Aslan that, hello, there are monsters ripping the Draconis apart and now might be a good time to leave. But nooo, Aslan isn’t ready yet. “You’re a sword, for crying out loud!” he exclaims, still unable to comprehend the fact that his weapon is speaking to him. “No, I’m a teapot! Of course I’m a sword!!!!!!” Dymlos snaps back, and this time I can forgive the punctuation overload as he’s just so damn cool. So cool, in fact, that I now bestow upon him the nickname ‘Sword of Snark’. “How in the world can you speak?” Aslan wonders. “I can speak because I’m alive,” Sword of Snark replies wearily. Aslan still can’t accept this, and continues the interrogation with what can only be described as wank, wank and more wank, with a side order of wank and a strawberry wankshake. Jeez, Aslan, I actually like you, but give it a fucking rest.
“Have you ever heard of the AETH’ER WARS?” Sword of Snark asks, clearly trying to change the subject (and presumably shouting the part about the Aeth’er Wars). “I was born in that distant past. And now, I have reawakened. And I’ve chosen you as my master. Do you understand me?” Miraculously, something has finally managed to penetrate the wibbling mass of jelly also known as Aslan’s brain, and he confirms that he does understand. Thank the Lord for huge mercies. Finally I can control Aslan again, and, after making sure he has equipped Sword of Snark, I leave the storeroom. After several hours minutes of battling monsters, Aslan finds the control room (which, bizarrely, is located in the dragon’s head). The Captain, who is drawing his final breaths, manages to tell Aslan that the Sword of Snark most certainly is IT, and that under no circumstances must it fall into the hands of the monsters. Well, that’s cleared up then.
Oh Dymlos, how I love thee.
The Cap’n promptly expires, leaving Aslan to slash his way through more hordes of critters in order to reach the deck, just in time to witness the mortal wounding of another crewmember. Just before his death, the guard manages to tell Aslan to use the handy escape pod to get the hell off the ship before it crashes. But Aslan, being Aslan, can’t just take this good advice. “No, I’m going to take them on!” he yells. “I’m going to crush them all! [Sword of Snark], give me your strength!” SoS doesn’t exactly share Aslan’s vision, sinking his ship with a simple “You stupid fool!!!” Words simply cannot express how much I adore this chunk of sentient steel. “Are you foolish enough to think that if you sacrifice yourself here, this man will come back to life?!” he continues. “I’ll spell it out for you. You’re an inexperienced weakling right now! Crush them? Hah! They’ll crush YOU!!!” SoS eventually convinces Aslan that trying to fight the hordes of monsters singlehandedly would be an act of stupidity expected of someone like Tidus or Shion, not a lion with gigantic shoulder pads. “It was our destiny to become partners,” he reveals. Uh, Snarky, I don’t think humans and swords can…do it without extreme amounts of pain, and — oh, you meant business partners? My bad. “I’ve been waiting many years for this to happen,” he concludes, prompting Aslan to tell him that he understands. Aaah, how sweet.