Apparently the three guys worked up such an appetite that they had to grab something to eat right away, because the next scene finds them devouring ramen in Chinese Diner Aiya. Wait, doesn’t dinner usually come before the wick-dipping? Kou, who clearly gets off on yanking Daisuke’s chain, so to speak, starts teasing him about some clueless first-year girl who’s been mooching around after him like a lost puppy. Getting embarrassed, Daisuke claims he hasn’t even noticed–maybe the lipstick-covered love notes she slipped into his locker will do the trick–and tries to change the subject. I really hope someone takes pity on this poor girl and tells her she’s barking up the wrong tree (in the wrong forest entirely, to be frank) or else he’s going to have to make out with Kou and/or Gary in public to shake her off.
According to the IN, the trio “discuss practice” for a while–is that what they’re calling it these days?–and then go their separate ways. Kou heads off to polish some more balls, Daisuke leaves by the back exit to avoid his female stalker, and Gary goes home for an evening of guilt-wracked, futile homework attempts. How can he concentrate on studying when his mind is in such turmoil? He clearly has some soul-searching to do. If his heart truly belonged to Yosuke, he wouldn’t have betrayed him like this once again. But on the other hand, he’s not convinced he has a future with Daisuke and Kou either–a three-way arrangement such as theirs can only end in tears. What should he do? Maybe his sickening Chie dream was trying to tell him something. Maybe he isn’t meant to be with guys at all.
The bags under Gary’s eyes are clearly visible, as is his guilty conscience.
On that angsty note, Gary sinks into a restless sleep. Seeing how conflicted he is, the Invisible Narrator even manages to refrain from heaping on yet more misery by giving him a wet dream about Wiggy or someone equally abhorrent. Although he spends every minute of every day wanting to murder the IN, Gary’s thankful for this small mercy on his part. The following day, the 22nd, he’s tired, depressed and guilt-ridden–not a winning combination by any stretch of the imagination–so he doesn’t know how to react when Yosuke accosts him at the school gates once again. Luckily he only wants to talk about the weather, which saves Gary from having to produce some convoluted explanation for what he got up to after school yesterday.
The rest of the day passes without incident (or any classes, presumably) so after school, Gary decides on a whim to gather the others at the food court and mount another Yukiko rescue attempt. Yeah, he isn’t really in the right frame of mind for all this Shadow-battling, not to mention the lack of sleep he had last night, but the poor girl’s been waiting for someone to save her for like an entire week. Plus, a night of good old-fashioned mortal peril will provide a much-needed break from the two-timing mess he’s suddenly found himself embroiled in. Last but not least, fighting alongside Yosuke again will hopefully bring them closer together, allowing him to get the temptations of Daisuke and Kou out of his system once and for all.
For whatever mystical reason, there’s a teleporter just outside the castle that allows Gary and co to zip straight back to the last floor they reached–the 6th–instead of having to fight their way through the entire dungeon again. I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but it would be nice if said teleporter took the party straight to the fucking top floor. But what would be the fun in that?
As soon as they touch down on the teleporter landing pad, Gary and friends are halted by another voice coming over the castle’s loudspeakers. In this case, it’s that of the ephebophilic news reporter who was creaming his corn over the sight of Yukiko in her kimono way back on the evening of the 15th. This time, he sounds even more creepy and lascivious, rapaciously announcing that she’ll still be in high school when she eventually takes over as manager of the Amagi Inn. “You’re looking gorgeous in that kimono!” he breathes, then remarks that she must have a lot of male visitors. Yup, male visitors aplenty. None of this icky lesbianism here. Yukiko’s own discarnate voice begs him and his ilk to leave her alone, and then wails that she’s “sick of everything”. Welcome to Gary’s world, Yukiko.
Most of us have realized by now that the TV World and its various sub-worlds are canvases for the characters to project their embarrassing, angsty, first-world problems onto. With this in mind, even Chie, who knows her the best out of the entire group, doesn’t comprehend that any of this shit could be fuelled by Yukiko’s feelings about inheriting the inn. Well, the issue didn’t involve steak, martial arts, or Yukiko’s sweet honey, so I’m thinking she probably just zoned out whenever they discussed it.
Sadly, neither Gary nor Yosuke can wear this.
To Gary’s unfathomable delight, yet another obstacle stands between the party and Yukiko on the 7th floor of the castle–a group of new Shadows called Burning Beetles. These humongous arthropods have clearly been taking fashion advice from the equally-gaudy Calm Pesce, because their shells are a deep crimson with elaborate gold patterns, perfectly complementing their royal purple head markings and the jewelled crowns they’re wearing. The party is almost blinded by their fabulousness, but Chie still manages to put down the Burning Flaming Beetles with her Ice Bufu magic. No-one stands between her and her girl, even insects as gloriously flamboyant as these.
After a lifetime, we reach the heart of this fucking place. Outside what feels like the fiftieth set of doors the party’s been through, Teddie declares he can detect Yukiko’s scent again, because ew, and then I’m asked if I really, genuinely, truly want to proceed. Really, they may as well have just slapped “WARNING – BOSS BATTLE THROUGH THESE DOORS!” in the middle of the screen with an alarm sound effect. Warning or no warning, Gary’s suffered more than enough of this place’s “hospitality” to turn back now. Behind the door, we see the kimono-clad Yukiko kneeling despondently at the bottom of some carpeted stairs. Not!Yukiko, who is actually Shadow Yukiko (hopefully you’re not too shocked by this revelation), stands on the top step, glowering down at the others. Within seconds, she’s gone all hyper-seductive and starts squealing about the “three princes” who’ve come to rescue her. Teddie, for the love of God, assumes he’s one of the princes, but the others soon set him straight. Sadly, not with their fists.
Yukiko, honey, it’s already pretty obvious who plays the male role in your relationship.
For obvious reasons, neither Gary nor Yosuke are willing to assume the role of Yukiko’s prince, and so Chie’s revealed as her one true suitor, or something. I don’t really know. “She always leads the way…Chie’s a strong prince,” Shadow Yukiko moans, giving the guys yet another hearty dose of Too Much Information. As uncomfortable as they feel about these intimate details being laid bare, this shit’s nothing compared to the awkwardness they’ll bear witness to in the near future, so I hope they’re getting used to it.
Before we can all get too warm and fuzzy over Yukiko’s public reverence of Chie, she throws a curveball by suddenly screaming that Chie’s no longer good enough–she can’t save Yukiko from the horrible fate that lies in store for her. And yes, we’re talking about running the Amagi Inn here. I mean, I get that she feels trapped and resigned to a life she doesn’t want, but part of me still wants to shake her for turning this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. What, are her parents going to disown her if she tells them she’d rather go to college or get another job?
“I never asked to be born here!” Shadow Yukiko drama-queens. “Everything’s decided for me! I’m so sick of it! To hell with it all!” As if we needed this fact hammering into our skulls anymore, she clarifies that these are Yukiko’s true feelings. “That’s not true…” Yukiko counters feebly. Girl, just admit it and you’ll save everyone a whole lot of pain and effort. I just actually said that out loud, because I’m sure she can hear me, but she doesn’t listen and instead screams the now-traditional “You’re not me!” Guess what time it is, kids!
I know this is your castle, but get a fucking room.
Fuelled by Yukiko’s denial, her Shadow self starts to laugh hysterically as black smoke rises from the floor and starts to envelop her. “Aaah! This feels wonderful!” she groans. “It’s building…more and more…if this keeps up, I’ll…I’ll…” For those of you whose innocence somehow hasn’t been corrupted by this filthy recap game yet, I’m going to spell it out: Shadow Yukiko is reaching orgasm. Don’t ask me how or why, because Chie is right on the other side of the room. Maybe she got a Square button from the shopping district’s Sexually Liberated Housewife?
I guess she really enjoyed that scene, because Shadow Yukiko climaxes powerfully enough to send a huge chandelier crashing down from the ceiling. This particular chandelier doubles as a birdcage, from which springs Shadow Yukiko’s true form–an enormous crimson bird with Yukiko’s head and white, heart-shaped boobage. Rather than simply throwing a pair of tits on this monster just because BOOBS, this symbolizes Yukiko’s pure heart and innocent nature. And yes, also boobs. The birdcage metaphor needs no explanation in light of the heavy-handed dialogue we’ve just listened to, but it can also be interpreted as a reference to being closeted, like pretty much everything in this game. Layers upon layers with the symbolism here. And with that fanwanky shit out of the way, on with the latest boss battle!
Even before I fought this boss for the first time, I’d read so much discussion about how difficult it was that I was dreading this fight. But as it turned out, I never had that much trouble with it, and this time around isn’t much different. I’m going to put this down to dumb luck, because there no way in hell my laughable gaming prowess is responsible. The pain in the ass isn’t even the boss herself–her Agi spells don’t pack that much of a punch, and as long as I remember to have the highly-flammable Chie guard, they don’t knock her on her ass, either. The real fun starts when Shadow Yukiko decides that three-on-one isn’t exactly fair and summons a minion she calls “Charming Prince.” This diminutive little fellow likes to cast Diarama (a moderate healing spell) on his mistress, which means they party needs to take him out first. Unless they particularly wanted to spend a couple hours slowly chipping away at Shadow Yukiko’s HP while that little shit keeps replenishing it, which I most certainly don’t. I love this game, but I don’t love it that much.
Again, wait until you’re alone together. And not in a fight.
Unlike big bird over there, Charming Prince is weak to ice, which means Chie gets to actually do something in this fight apart from dodging the fire spells her girlfriend throws in her direction. After a few more rounds, Charming Prince returns to whichever pocket dimension he came from and Shadow Yukiko’s cage-chandelier crashes to the ground, burning up with her still inside it. Ouch.
Well, that was refreshingly not too unsettling, especially after the nightmarish Shadow Chie. After taking some time out to brag all over the results screen about how they just levelled up, the group rush over to normal Yukiko, who’s dramatically slumped against a pillar. Chie’s all “OMG, are you hurt?” like Yukiko actually participated in the battle herself, and then everyone notices that Shadow Yukiko is still standing there like a guest who won’t take the hint. Yosuke reassures Yukiko that he and Chie went through the same thing as she just did, and then says “Everyone has something they can’t show to other people, or don’t want to admit to themselves…” Yeah, there’s at least one thing Gary can think of that fits that description. And maybe if Yosuke had been more accepting of himself, Gary wouldn’t have felt compelled to look elsewhere to satisfy his urges.
Okay, you want to tuck her into bed. We get it.
Seeing Yukiko safe and sound means Chie can’t contain herself, and she starts spraying emotion all over the place like a human piñata. She tells Yukiko she was always jealous of her because she had everything Chie didn’t–apart from a spine, presumably–and that she’d be lost without her. “I wanted you to need me…but it was me who needed you,” she sobs as Gary and Yosuke focus their attentions on admiring the carpet. Teddie, meanwhile, is wearing the ubiquitous grin that doesn’t reach his dead black eyes. Eventually, Yukiko realizes there are people witnessing all this emoting and decides to wrap it up. Approaching her Shadow, she admits there was truth in what it was saying, and then it morphs into her own Persona, Konohana Sakuya. Its design–a pink-clad superheroine with flower motifs–is apparently based on a character from a 70s anime, and I’ve heard numerous translations of its name, including “blossoming flower”. In case you were wondering, it also represents a vagina, so that’s what I’m going to call it.
Everything about this next exchange feels wrong, because it’s fucking Teddie who raises the one question that should be on everyone’s lips: who the hell threw Yukiko in here? The others all emit huge exclamation points, like Teddie just asked some huge, game-changing question that never even occurred to them. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. I hope none of us were actually expecting Yukiko to reveal her would-be killer’s identity this early, but her response still makes me eyeroll: “I think…someone called my name…but my memory’s a blur. I can’t remember who it was…” How convenient! Yes, I know that without this attack of laser-guided amnesia the game would be, like, 10 hours long instead of 100. It’s still dumb as hell.
I feel physically ill.
On the way out there’s a comic relief scene involving Teddie, which I don’t really want to recap because it involves Yukiko petting him on the head and him growling lecherously. I really don’t need any more nightmare fuel tonight. Back at the Walmart food court, the others–sans Teddie, thank God–question Yukiko some more, but she surprisingly hasn’t managed to remember anything in the ten seconds since they last asked her. They do, however, come up with a theory I thought they’d already figured out until I remembered they’re all brain-damaged: the things Yukiko suppressed in the real world took form inside the TV…just like Taylor, Yosuke and Chie. I’m so glad these guys catch on quickly.
Yukiko looks like she’s about to pass out, so Gary decides to call it a day. Chie offers to take Yukiko home–bam chicka bam–and then after a brief black screen the two guys are left alone. I think I blew my wad on the bam chicka bam line too early, so to speak. After a very brief scene which, disappointingly, contains no suggestive lines for me to make comedic screengrabs of, we get a fade out.
And I am DONE. Next time…well, I don’t really remember what comes next, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Will the mysterious killer make another convoluted murder attempt? Will Yukiko recover? Will Gary and Yosuke finally get back on track, or will yet another beefcake arrive on the scene to complicate matters? Find out in Part 3!