But because the universe has a vendetta against Gary, he gets a second listen of some of the cryptic bullshit Pedocchio was spouting at the beginning of the game: “It seems you will encounter a misfortune at your destination, and a great mystery will be imposed on you…” The guy’s portrait even appears next to the text box, like he’s actually there. Gary suddenly realizes that the only way this day could possibly get any worse for him would be for Yosuke to announce his heterosexuality, followed by Chie and Yukiko suddenly appearing and putting on a lesbian floor-show to the sound of Nanako singing the Walmart jingle into a megaphone. Begging for a kick to the head, the IN contributes “Could this be the mystery that will be thrust upon you…?” No, Pedocchio was clearly referring to the Third Secret of Fatima. Jesus.
I’m sure poor Gary needs a drink or three right about now, because I certainly do. The next part of this never-ending scene is once again dragged out beyond all reason, so I’ll just tell you the relevant part: Gary and Yosuke finally introduce themselves and agree to help MB track down the true culprit. Then MB reveals his own name to be…Teddie. As in teddy bear. Because he’s totally not a bear!!! Get it?! Yosuke asks how the hell they’re supposed to find their target — who probably isn’t even here to begin with, but whatever — to which Teddie incredibly helpfully answers “I dunno”. However, he does mention that he knows where “the last person” came in, and that seems as good a place as any to start looking. Yosuke asks him if “the last person” refers to Taylor, but Teddie snits “I mean the person who came in and disappeared last time. I don’t know the name.” Yosuke bristles again, but before he has the chance to speak Teddie declares “Oh, one thing first. You two should put these on.”
Yes, that is generally how glasses work.
…I’ll spare you the horrific images that flashed through my mind when I read that. To my eternal relief, Teddie isn’t asking them to don fursuits or some kind of fetish gear — instead, he produces two pairs of glasses that look suspiciously like the hipster ones without lenses, only the frames are coloured instead of solid black. I don’t want to know where Teddie was keeping them, given that the weird jumpsuit he’s wearing doesn’t have any pockets to speak of. Yosuke reacts with understandable confusion, but when he and Gary put on the glasses, the fog surrounding them immediately clears. I don’t know why, and it’s never satisfactorily explained, so let’s just say the glasses were crafted by a wizard who also does ophthalmology on the side.
Yosuke, whose glasses are a rather fabulous shade of orange, expresses surprise at the difference since donning the Hipster Glasses of Clarity +1, while Gary side-eyes him in admiration. Although he’s helped them to see more clearly, Teddie reveals that the rest is up to them since he has “no muscles” — any monsters they may encounter will have to be dealt with by Gary and Yosuke alone. As a consolation, he finishes “Oh, oh! I’ll give you guys moral support from a distance. How’s that sound?” Peachy.
“Can Teddie really not fight…?” the IN wonders, and then gives Gary a choice of three options. Of the three, the first — “Try touching Teddie” — is undoubtedly the most disturbing, but since they all involve some kind of physical contact, Gary is stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I leave the controller alone for five minutes, hoping that the game will eventually move on without my having to choose, but eventually I resign Gary to his fate. Now, the second and third options (pushing or hitting Teddie) may sound tempting, but as much as I’ve expressed the desire to do both, Gary isn’t really down with the idea of assaulting an unarmed, defenceless creature, even if it is Teddie. So, as much as it pains me to press the button, I have Gary reach out and touch him instead.
Teddie falls on his backside and starts flailing around pathetically, looking like some strange species of bug, the sight of which has probably just erased another few years from my lifespan. Teddie asks who “this [Taylor]-senpai person is”, causing Gary to turn away huffily. Yosuke says it doesn’t matter right now, which is a happy coincidence since I don’t care about her, then he and Gary walk offscreen, leading to another moment of hilarity where Teddie yells at them for leaving him behind. And…can it be? YES! It’s finally over!!! We get a motherfucking fade out!
After a Black Screen of Overwhelming Relief, during which I put on my “I survived that scene and all I got was this lousy alcohol addiction” t-shirt, we cut to a new area of the TV world. “What is this place…?” Yosuke says. “It looks just like the shopping district…” Yeah, if the shopping district were completely devoid of life, cast in a sickly yellow tint and had a stripy red-and-black sky, it would be an exact replica. As the Creepy Piano of Foreboding tinkles away in the background, Teddie remarks “Some weird places have appeared here recently…” Shit, if even Teddie thinks they’re weird, I sure as hell don’t want to visit them.
After wondering why “they” decided to replicate the shopping district of all places, Yosuke takes off running, and Gary and Teddie obediently follow him right up to the door of a certain store. Yes, Yosuke is determined to investigate this twisted reality’s version of the local bookstore. I’m kidding again — the shop is, of course, the liquor store run by Taylor’s family. It probably says a lot about my current state of mind that my first concern is whether this alternate version of the store is carrying any stock. If so, Gary is going to be all over that shit once they get inside.
I think they sell these in adult stores, too.
“Does this mean…senpai disappeared here?” Yosuke breathes, making to enter the store, only to be interrupted by Teddie shrieking that the Shadows are here. As we segue into anime mode, we get our first glimpse of said Shadows (which is really just this game’s term for random battle mooks). Slithering out of the liquor store, these Shadows initially take the form of black, gooey blobs with creepy expressionless faces, but soon transform into something more…unique. Twisting and turning, they slowly morph into pink, floating orbs with huge, pouting mouths and elongated black tongues. To me, this form looks distressingly like some bizarre version of a fleshlight head. Well, if any game was going to have its very first enemies be based on sex toys, it was this one.
As Yosuke backs away from the evil Fleshlight Heads, he stumbles and falls on his ass, leaving himself wide open to attack. Right at that moment, Gary gets a stabbing pain in his head, much like the one after his completely meaningless meeting with the completely unimportant gas station attendant when he first arrived in town. This time, though, the supernatural headache is accompanied by an unfamiliar disembodied voice. “I am thou…” it intones, as the Invisible Narrator gets jealous and sulks in a corner. “Thou art I…the time has come. Open thine eyes, and call forth what is within!” Looking down, Gary sees that a random tarot card has appeared in his hand. After what he’s already experienced in Inaba, this hardly even registers on his Weird Shit-O-Meter, but Teddie starts freaking out like he’s witnessing the Second Coming. A blinding white light envelops the area, then Gary delivers his first voice-acted line in the game: “Per…so…na.” Hey, that’s the title of this game! What a weird coincidence!
We get a close-up of Gary’s eye, whose pupil suddenly expands to twice its size, and then blue fire shoots out of the tarot card in his hand. He makes a fist (!) and then screams to the heavens as the fire expands to surround him. When it dissipates, standing behind Gary is a 15-feet tall entity with blades for feet, a badass longcoat, and a bladed weapon almost as tall as he is. If you were wondering, Gary has just summoned Izanagi, his initial Persona. Just think of Personae as being like Pokemon, except less cute and based on entities from various real-world mythologies, and you’re on the right track. I should also point out here that the catalyst for Gary’s powers of summoning being awakened was the prospect of Yosuke being killed. I guess the lesson to be learned from this scene is…don’t mess with Gary’s mahogany-haired piece of ass.
…Why is he wearing a cup?
Anyway, Izanagi and his codpiece spring into battle, throwing us into the first proper fight in the game. This means that we get to hear the awesome battle theme, Reach Out To The Truth, for the first time. I think I’ve spoken of my unhealthy love for this song elsewhere, but I have to mention it again, if only because it’s chock-full of Engrish, is entirely too catchy and upbeat for a game about murder, and it sounds like the vocalist is singing “homo men” and “all the lesbians” during the refrain. Really, what more could a recapper want in a battle theme?
As I uncharacteristically chair-dance, Teddie pipes up with some words of wisdom. And yes, I did laugh out loud typing that. See, Teddie has taken it upon himself to assume the role of cheerleader-cum-strategist (until a better one comes along, at least) and decides that now is a good time to vomit information on battle mechanics all over Gary. Fortunately, the Fleshlight Heads — which are actually called “Slipping Hableries”, though I prefer my name for them — are kind enough to hold back until Gary is fully clued-up in the art of fighting. The gist of Teddie’s lesson is that each battle participant, ally or enemy, has an elemental weakness. If they’re hit by an attack of that element, they get knocked over and their opponent can steal another turn, although this can be avoided by guarding. Fascinating stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree, but wait! There’s more: by pressing L1, I can have Teddie investigate the enemies and pinpoint their weaknesses. Yes, this means that Teddie has become somewhat useful. I’m so shocked at this development that I forget to question how exactly Teddie knows all this shit since, by his own admission, he’s useless in matters of combat.
Loading ...When the fight properly begins, Gary can choose to either smack one of the Fleshlight Heads with his bent golf club, or summon Izanagi to smite them with Zio, a lightning spell. Which the Fleshlight Heads happen to be weak against. Needless to say, it would take a complete dumbass to choose the former option here.
After wasting his first turn and being disgustingly licked by the enormous black tongue of one of the Fleshlight Heads, Gary puts his golf club away and calls up Izanagi (every time he does this, he crushes a tarot card in his fist, which isn’t very economical). As the Fleshlight Heads cower in fear at the sight of Izanagi’s mighty blade codpiece, he rains lightning down on them with extreme prejudice. Seconds later, Gary is victorious, Level 2, and 100 yen richer than before. As for why the Shadows are apparently carrying money…hey, look over there!
Back in regular gameplay mode, Yosuke comes running up, rhapsodizing over Gary’s newfound powers and wondering if he could learn to do it, too. Spoiler: yes. Teddie practically humps Gary’s leg and starts calling him Sensei because he’s so impressed by his battle prowess, causing Yosuke to object that Teddie isn’t showing him the same respect, not that he’s actually earned it. It’s all very amusing, but after writing over 20,000 words for this recap so far, amusement isn’t really a luxury I have time for right now. Teddie correctly deduces that Gary’s SPECIAL powers enable him to bring people through the TV, so now we know it isn’t something that just any old wanker can do. More importantly, we can assume that the unidentified douche who’s been throwing people through the TV also possesses this mysterious power.
‘That’s not true! Taylor and Harry Styles were in love!!!!11 He’s completely straight and he’s going to marry MEEEEEE one day!!!!! <3’
Remembering that they were supposed to be investigating the Konishi Liquors store before they were so rudely interrupted, the group approaches the door, only for a cacophony of phantom voices to stop them in their tracks. Now, disembodied voices are so passé to Gary by now, but these ones aren’t the familiar-yet-infuriating voices of Pedocchio or the Invisible Narrator — rather, they appear to belong to a variety of random Inaba citizens, saying stuff like “I wish [Walmart] would go under…”, “Oh my, I heard Konishi-san’s daughter is working there…” and “How could she, with her family’s business suffering the way it is…?” Christ, it’s not just the schoolkids at it — nobody in this town does anything apart from gossip. It must be like living in a community full of Perez Hiltons.
Yosuke, dismayed to hear that daddy dearest is Public Enemy #1 in Inaba, pleads with the voices to stop, but they just keep going: “That poor father…to have his own daughter working for the enemy!” Okay, we fucking get it. Walmart = bad, Konishis = good, hardworking locals. Remembering something Teddie said earlier about this place being “reality for those that are here”, Yosuke wonders if this is a representation of what Taylor heard on a daily basis. Predictably, Teddie doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, so they all traipse into the darkened store, where yet ANOTHER voice booms out of the ether. This one is apparently Taylor’s dad, and we hear an echo of him yelling at Taylor about what the neighbours are saying about her. What, that she’s a serial beard for a succession of gay celebrities? Whoops, he was talking about the Taylor Swift in this game, not the real one.