“Sheesh! It’s easy to toss around theories when you’re not personally involved!” Chie seethes as the gossiping girls walk away. Pot, kettle, black. Also, she wasn’t personally involved with Taylor, so who knows why she’s getting her gym shorts in a wad about this. Yosuke enters the scene, triggering another lengthy conversation I have no time or energy to transcribe fully, so I’ll just set out the salient points below:

1) Yosuke claims he saw Taylor on the Midnight Channel again last night (and he now realizes the girl he, Gary and Chie all saw the previous night was Taylor, too);
2) She appeared to be writhing in pain, and then suddenly vanished from the screen;
3) He recalls the random male student claiming he saw Mayumi Fucking Yamano on the Midnight Channel a few days back;
4) From the available evidence, it seems that people who appear on the Midnight Channel die shortly afterwards.

Part of me wants to apologize for rushing and not recapping the conversation properly…but, well, I’ve already written 24 pages in Word and haven’t even entered my first proper battle yet, so I’m sure you’ll forgive me for not being completely thorough. In any event, we’re not done yet.

Gary’s glad to hear it.

Yosuke once again posits a link between Mayumi Fucking Yamano’s death and the creepy world inside the TV, theorizing that Taylor’s demise is similarly connected, and declares that he wants to go back inside the TV to question the Mysterious Bear. I’m pretty sure grief has addled his brain, since nobody in their right mind would choose to go and talk to that…thing willingly. Chie tries to dissuade him, telling him he should let the police handle things. Because they’ve done such a stellar job on the murder investigation so far, right? Reading my mind, Yosuke explodes and basically says the same thing, adding that nobody would believe their claims about the world inside the TV. Turning to Gary, he sighs “Sorry…you’re the only person who can help me.” Well, Gary would just love to help him out, but this isn’t really the most appropriate place for–oh, right, he was talking about going back into the TV. Never mind.

Is that what they’re calling it these days?

At the Walmart Electronics Department, Gary and Chie find Yosuke waiting for them, brandishing a golf club and a length of thick…rope. Kinky. Ostensibly, the rope is to help them in case they can’t find a way out of the TV this time. But…there’s a door. Even if it’s vanished since their last visit, they know the Mysterious Bear can summon it with one tap of his foot. Whatever, I suppose I should commend Yosuke for taking extra precautions. Chie again tries to talk him out of going, to which he responds that he can’t just sit back and pretend nothing’s happening. Once again, he asks Gary for his assistance, which Gary is only too happy to pledge. “I’m glad to know you’re that kinda guy…” Yosuke says. Believe me, he certainly is.

Since Chie is reluctant to go back through the TV, Yosuke reveals his foolproof plan. He’ll tie one end of the rope around his waist, and Chie can wait here with the other end; if there’s any trouble, she can simply pull him and Gary back out. Of course, for this plan to work properly, one might assume that Gary would need to be holding on to Yosuke at all times. I’m just saying. Also, nobody thinks to come up with an excuse Chie can use if a customer or store assistant should wander onto the shop floor and see her holding on to a rope leading straight through the TV screen, so here’s hoping that scenario won’t actually happen.

Preparations for entry almost complete, Yosuke hands Gary the golf club. Well, it isn’t the most romantic of gifts, but Gary will take any weapon he can get his hands on. So to speak. “I thought it might be better than going in empty-handed…” Yosuke winks as Gary wraps his hands around the shaft. Jesus Christ, why does EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth sound like an innuendo? Is it just me?

Anyway, without further ado, Gary and Yosuke climb through the screen. After a few moments, Chie tries to pull the rope taut, but — get this — it breaks. I for one never thought that would happen! Sinking to her knees, Chie moans “I knew this wasn’t gonna work…” Girl, get a clue — Yosuke clearly chose a rope that was already frayed just so he and Gary could enjoy some time alone.

Cut to the foggy studio inside the TV. Over a Black Screen of Ambiguous Activity, there’s a thud (which I assume to be the sound of the guys hitting the floor) and then Yosuke makes an “ouch” noise, except that it sounds more like a getting off noise. When the screen fades in, he expresses surprise that they ended up in the same place as last time. Uh, where did he think they were going to end up? Wasn’t this the plan?

I am so not ready for this yet, but the Mysterious Bear now appears, yelling that Gary and Yosuke must be the ones who’ve been chucking people in here. His reasoning for making such a bold claim is that they’re the only people who’ve visited more than once, which apparently means they’re the most suspicious. To be fair, if Gary and Yosuke are the only people who’ve been through the TV and not ended up dying, I can see his point…but he’s so annoying I still want one of the guys to slap him for accusing them. Yosuke actually comes close, but settles for screaming at him instead. “If someone was thrown in here and couldn’t get out, they might die!” he yells. “Who would do such a-?” Oh, wait.

He’s roaring because he’s supposed to be a bear! GET IT?!

For a few painful moments, it’s almost possible to hear the cogs inside Yosuke’s brain slowly whirring into action. “Wait a sec…” he gasps. “Does he mean Senpai and the announcer?” Okay, I’m at my limit. I know this is the opening portion of the game, so dumb exchanges like this are to be expected. And of the characters we’ve been introduced to so far, Yosuke is pretty much the only one who’s even attempted to come up with an explanation for what’s been happening. But I can’t hold back anymore.

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that helped a little. On a roll now, Yosuke wonders if someone has been throwing people into the TV with the intention of killing them. Playing devil’s advocate, Gary suggests that they may have fallen in accidentally. I’m cracking up at the thought of Mayumi Fucking Yamano trying to dust her TV screen and instead toppling through it, but then again, I have a weird sense of humour. Having taken up the mantle of “The Intelligent One” — or, more accurately, “The Least Obtuse One” — Yosuke dismisses the accident theory, since it doesn’t tally with MB’s version of events. I think he’s placing his trust in the creepy stuffed toy far too easily, but whatever.

There’s another brief argument between Yosuke and the Mysterious Bear, during which MB warns Yosuke he’d better stay on his good side if he wants to get out. Yosuke’s all “Ha, we don’t need your help this time”, and then suddenly notices the rope around his waist has been severed. I assume this “comic relief” moment was added in order to take the edge off this dark and edgy scene, just in case the jazzy, upbeat background music wasn’t enough. Realizing that he and Gary are now screwed without MB’s help, Yosuke changes tack and tries the threatening approach. However, this doesn’t wash with the Mysterious Bear, who goes “I’ve lived here for a long time. But it’s never been noisy like this till now. Do you have proof?! Prove to me you’re not throwing people in here!” Christ on a bike.

*backs away slowly*

After more dialogue I don’t care to recap, Yosuke again tries the tough approach on MB, telling him this is serious business: “Listen up, ’cause people have died in our world. Every time the fog appears, a dead body shows up with it.” He makes it sound like corpses are being washed up with the tide or something, when they were presumably helped along by someone. “A dead…body? Whenever the fog appears?” Mysterious Bear Shions, making me want to hop through my TV screen and punch him in the face. He then reveals that when it’s foggy on “their side”, the fog clears inside the TV, which makes “the Shadows” get violent. We can probably assume that these Shadows are something completely different to bog-standard shadows, but MB doesn’t elaborate, despite Yosuke’s questions. So for now, let’s just assume MB is on drugs. It might explain his enormous black pupils, at least.

In case some of us zoned out during the previous few minutes of this scene, the game designers kindly decided to have Yosuke and MB repeat their earlier exchange, only using slightly different wording. How thoughtful of them! After what feels like another ten instances of MB accusing Yosuke and Gary of throwing people through the TV, Yosuke snaps again and screams “Why the hell won’t you listen to what we’re saying?!” It almost feels like that last line is coming straight from a game designer’s mouth, which would explain the endless repetition of facts and dialogue I’ve endured for the past few hours. If I write “I AM FUCKING LISTENING” in my own blood and send it to Atlus HQ, do you think they might stop?

Shocked by Yosuke’s outburst, Mysterious Bear puts on his sadface and whines “I-I’m just saying…you might be the culprits.” Well, he’s no longer screaming “MURDERERS!!” at them, so at least we’re moving in the right direction, I guess. Yosuke wonders aloud where they are, observing that it looks like a TV studio (welcome to an hour ago, Yosuke) and asks MB if “that weird show” is being filmed here. Of course, he means the blurry clips starring Mayumi Fucking Yamano and Taylor that were briefly aired on the Midnight Channel. But because Mysterious Bear has lived in this God-forsaken place his entire life (and God knows how long he’s been in existence), he has no concept of things like “filming” or “studios”. Naturally, this is pointed out to us in prolonged, excruciating detail. What did I do to deserve this?

*stabs self repeatedly*

I believe we’re at the halfway point of this scene now, not that that makes me feel much better. Mysterious Bear continues to babble about Shadows, saying that they’re usually the only things here apart from him and that the world becomes dangerous when they’re angered. I can’t exactly blame the Shadows for getting angry if the only thing they have for company in here is fucking MB. For roughly the eighth time in this scene, Yosuke loses his shit, yelling that MB keeps accusing them of skullduggery despite being the most suspicious thing here. “Maybe you’re the real culprit!” he bellows. “And what’s with that stupid costume!? I’d say it’s time you showed your face!” I’d say not.

With nary a moment’s warning, Yosuke surges forward and rips MB’s head off. Unfortunately, I’m making it sound more graphic and violent than it actually is; since MB is a STUFFED BEAR, it’s only the headpiece of his “costume” that comes off. But it’s still freaky — there’s nothing inside the costume. Not a person, hell, not even any stuffing…just inky blackness. I have no idea how this is even possible, but MB is walking around with nothing inside him (ew) to support the costume. What’s even worse is that his body continues to flail around while his discarded head sits on the ground, still wearing its brain-scarring little zombie grin. “W-what the hell are you?!” Yosuke cries as MB blindly toddles forward, feeling around for his severed head like a game designer scrabbling around for a lost crack rock. Eventually, he finds his head and flips it back on to his shoulders before sadly going “Me…the culprit? I wouldn’t do such a thing…I just want to live here peacefully…” Okay, now I feel like a dick. Why do I feel sorry for this abomination? Am I…going soft?

It’s not just me, because Yosuke seems to feel guilty too. Luckily for all of us, MB finally, FINALLY accepts that Y&G aren’t involved in the throwing-people-through-the-TV shenanigans. I’m not quite sure why having his head ripped off by one of the guys in question was the catalyst for MB’s change of opinion, but I’m just happy this scene has a chance of ending soon, so I won’t even speculate.

But surprise! Mysterious Bear isn’t finished being an annoying twat yet. “I want you to find the real guy who did this,” he says in a sing-song voice somehow even more irritating than his regular one. “Promise me, or else…I’m not gonna let you guys outta here!” He then starts crying because his home is going to be irreparably messed up if all these strangers keep getting dumped in it, or something. I don’t even know. Determined to drive me to narcotics, the Invisible Narrator decides that now is an opportune time to join the discussion (fuck knows where he’d been since Gary and Yosuke entered the TV) and lectures “The mysterious bear is asking you to find the culprit behind this…someone on the outside is throwing people into this world…if the culprit isn’t you, he wants you to find the real culprit…the mysterious bear seems serious about this…” Just fuck off.

Heh, ‘thrust’.

Not noticing that Gary appears to be clutching his head and telling the voice inside it to shut the hell up, Yosuke turns to him and asks what he wants to do. Unfortunately, Gary doesn’t get a “Euthanize the bear, down a bottle of vodka and screw your brains out” dialogue option. Instead, the IN jumps in again and tells Gary “You remember the words of the mysterious old man who called himself [Pedocchio]…” No. Nononono. NO. Gary has already endured another meeting with the Mysterious Bear, listened to the IN whispering in his ear about shit he already knows like an even more annoying Naggy, and suffered more inane teen gossip than if he’d spent the day browsing a One Direction fan forum. He does NOT need to be reminded of the pedophilic limousine passenger from his nightmares right now.