I…think I got a little carried away there. The gossiping students move on to the rumour that a new transfer student is joining their class. Hmm, I wonder if we’re going to meet him/her? I’m kidding — of course they’re talking about Gary. We pan over to the trio of relevant students as one of them, a short-haired girl wearing a green track jacket, says “A transfer student from the city…just like you, huh, Yosuke?” Yosuke — aka Bruised Gonads — is in too much pain to talk, prompting Short-Haired Girl to ask her friend, a black-haired girl wearing a red sweater, what’s wrong with him. Black-Haired Girl says she doesn’t know. This riveting scene becomes somewhat more interesting when King Moron stalks into the room with Gary in tow. “Awright, shut your traps!” he tells his adoring students, most of whom are aware of his reputation despite not being taught by him before. When his portrait pops up, complete with obvious toupee and crooked teeth, I’m struck by his resemblance to a high school teacher I particularly hated, so, going forward, he will be known as “Wiggy”. I might tell you all the story behind this exceedingly clever and witty nickname sometime, but if you think about it hard enough you should be able to figure it out for yourselves.
Ouch, the whacks from the Foreshadowing Mallet are hurting today.
“First things first!” Wiggy barks, immediately looking to establish his authority. “Just ’cause it’s spring doesn’t mean you can swoon over each other like love-struck baboons.” I never knew baboons exhibited particularly love-struck behaviour, but hey, you learn something new every day. In that regard, I guess Wiggy here is already a more effective teacher than his real-life namesake. He continues by telling the students they’re going to be “as pure as the driven snow” while he’s around, eliciting a sweatdrop response from everyone except Yosuke, who’s apparently still in too much pain to even emote. This dialogue is actually fairly important in setting up Wiggy’s character — he’s unhealthily obsessed with the thought of teenagers having sex, which indicates he’s probably never gotten any himself. Wait…does this mean Wiggy is a secret recapper? Now I’m imagining him going home every night and producing angry write-ups of the day’s lessons, then liberally sprinkling gay references and penis jokes on his students’ report cards.
Wiggy introduces Gary by declaring “This sad sack’s been thrown from the big city out to the middle of nowhere like yesterday’s garbage.” Wow, their student-teacher relationship is off to a roaring start. He then calls Gary a loser and tells the girls in the class that they’d better not hit on him. Thankfully, he doesn’t extend this rule to include the guys, because Gary’s day is sucking enough already. Gary is afforded a dialogue option at this point; between the standard Suikoden response, a timid “Nice to meet you all”, and an angry “…You calling me a loser?” I pick the latter. Hey, Gary is all about having respect for his superiors, but this douche is asking for it. Plus, what better way to impress the guys in the class than to stand up to their hated teacher?
I don’t know, Gary can think of at least one asshole who isn’t a million miles away right now.
Exclamation points explode above everyone’s heads. As the other students gasp at Gary’s answer, the Invisible Narrator informs him that his Courage has increased. So, it seems, has Wiggy’s dislike of him — he informs Gary that he’s now on his shit list. “Listen up!” he spits, veins bulging in his forehead. “This town is miles away from your big city of perverts and assholes, in more ways than one. You better not even think about getting involved with the girls here, let alone abusing them!” Gary rolls his eyes, not giving Wiggy the satisfaction of knowing that definitely wouldn’t be happening even without his input.
I don’t think there’s any risk of him doing that, if you follow me.
Going off on a tangent, Wiggy starts ranting on about how kids grow up so fast these days and spend their entire lives on their “Life-journals” and “My-places”. Part of me hopes the Vita rerelease has updated his dialogue by replacing these completely fictional social networks with “Facetome” and “Chirruper”. Interrupting his diatribe, Short-Haired Girl raises her hand and asks if Gary can sit next to her. Girl, don’t be getting any ideas. Wiggy agrees to her request, instead of making Gary sit on the floor or something, so he obliges. She sympathizes with him over Wiggy being such a dick, then the Invisible Narrator, feeling left out, whispers “You can hear people around you talking about you…” followed by “Will you be able to fit in here?” Christ, IN, are you trying to turn Gary into a paranoid nutcase?!
We get a Black Screen of Roll Call, and then skip straight to the After School period. See, due to its completionist’s nightmare quasi-simulation nature, each calendar day is broken down into different sections, such as Morning, Afternoon, After School, and so on. Certain activities can only be done at particular times of the day, so you can only imagine the fun Gary is going to have trying to juggle his studies, social events and extracurricular activities (not to mention the inevitable world-saving duties). Being a teenager in the 21st century is so stressful!
Anyway, Wiggy tells the students they’re dismissed, but before they can leave the classroom an announcement comes over the intercom, calling all teachers to the Faculty Office for an immediate staff meeting. The message adds that all students are forbidden from leaving the school building until further notice. Clearly, Something Is Going On. As soon as Wiggy leaves the room, the faint sound of a police siren is heard from somewhere outside. Naturally, everyone rushes over to the window to try to catch a glimpse, but the gathering fog obscures the view. This sends a couple of students into a frenzy of exposition, which basically boils down to the fact that Inaba suffers from severe fog every time it rains. I’m glad England doesn’t share this curious phenomenon, or I’d never be able to leave the house (not that I do anyway; I live in my parents’ basement and spend all day whacking off, remember?).
Not done with spewing information, one of the Exposition!Students mentions Mayumi Fucking Yamano. Apparently, the paparazzi have been searching high and low for her since she was taken off the air, but nobody knows her current location. One of the other Exposition!Students whispers something that shocks the first one so much that he walks straight over to Black-Haired Girl and asks her if it’s true Ms Yamano is staying at her family’s inn. Black-Haired Girl, whose name is revealed as Yukiko Amagi, replies that she’s not at liberty to discuss her family’s guests, which strikes me as a big fucking clue that Mayumi is, in fact, staying at the family inn. The Exposition!Student doesn’t pick up on this, however, and runs back to his gossiping friends.
‘I never knew something like that could fit in there!‘
Now Short-Haired Girl meanders over to Yukiko and wonders what’s taking so long. After making sure nobody else is within listening distance, she leans in and asks “By the way, didja try what I told you the other day?” Ignoring that sad excuse for a contraction, Yukiko reacts with confusion, prompting Short-Haired Girl to clarify “You know…that thing about rainy nights.” Ah, I see. Well, I guess boring, rainy nights at home have resulted in experimentation for many a teenage girl, but I’m not sure this is an entirely appropriate place to discuss such things. Yukiko seems too shy to talk masturbation while in the company of her classmates, and apologetically says she hasn’t tried it yet, so Short-Haired Girl changes the subject and claims she heard a guy in the neighbouring class saying that Mayumi Yamano is his soulmate. God, this woman gets around.
Before anyone else can name-drop her, another message comes over the intercom. This one reveals that “an incident” has occurred near the school, and that police are currently on the scene. Ah, memories of my schooldays are flooding back. Of course, I’m kidding — my school didn’t have an intercom system. As the message continues that all students should contact their guardians and head straight home, Short-Haired Girl and Yukiko walk over to Gary, who’s still sitting at his desk. Short-Haired Girl asks if he wants to walk home with them, then introduces herself as Chie Satonaka. Because we’re expected to believe she wouldn’t have done so before now, despite sitting right next to Gary for the entire day. Right.
‘Now you mention it, I hadn’t noticed! I must be a blithering idiot!’
Gary must be as offended at having his intelligence insulted as I am, because he has the option of replying “You do [sit next to me]?” Of course, I pick it, willing every ounce of sarcasm in my body into the button press. The sarcasm goes right over Chie’s head, and she acts offended that Gary doesn’t remember her. Sigh. Chie then introduces Gary to Yukiko, which is a little more acceptable since she’s been sitting more than three inches away from him. “Oh, nice to meet you,” Yukiko says, then apologizes for their meeting being so sudden (?!), letting us know she’s the demure, overly-apologetic type. Chie scolds her for being so eager to apologize for stuff, and then Yosuke approaches the group sheepishly.
“Um, umm, Miss Satonaka?” he starts hesitantly. “This was really awesome. Like, the way they moved was just amazing to see…” He then bows and holds out a DVD case, babbling “I’m really sorry! It was an accident! Please just have mercy until my next paycheck!” As soon as Chie takes the DVD, he takes off for the classroom door, but she runs after him and kicks him in his already-bruised plums. I hope he wasn’t planning on having kids anytime soon. Also, speaking as a man, not cool, Chie. I’m wincing here! As Yosuke clutches his groin and hops on the spot, she opens the DVD case and emits an exclamation point bigger than her head. Apparently, Yosuke cracked her “Trial of the Dragon” right down the middle. OK, maybe that did warrant a kick to the balls.
Chie used Groin Kick! It’s super effective!
Yukiko expresses concern for Yosuke, but Chie drags her away, leaving Gary looking on awkwardly. “He looks like he’s in a lot of pain…” the Invisible Narrator informs Gary, who disappointingly doesn’t get a “Want me to inspect the damage?” dialogue option. Instead, he follows his new gal pals outside, making a mental note to take VERY good care of any martial arts movies Chie might happen to lend him.
‘Duh! He wanted you to be his waifu, like any fanboy.’
At the school gates, the trio bumps into a male student from another school, who was apparently waiting there for Yukiko. Yeah, that’s not creepy at all. The creepy kid — who has jet-black eyes, just to drive home the point that something ain’t right with him — asks Yukiko if she wants to hang out. She’s all “Who are you?”, from which we can gather she’s never even met the guy before. At this point, two faceless students approach from the left, admiring the dude’s bravery in daring to ask Yukiko out, because apparently she’s all that and a pack of crackers. Indeed, asking her out on a date is such a huge deal among the student body that it even has its own name — the “Amagi Challenge”. Yes, game designers, Yukiko is supposed to be hot. We get it.
The creepy kid — who I’m going to call Bek, for Black-Eyed Kid, since we won’t learn his real name for a long while yet — starts to get impatient and asks Yukiko if she’s coming or not. She shoots him down, and he runs off whining like someone flouncing from a message board when they didn’t get enough sycophantic replies to their wanky “I’m LEAVING!!!11” post. And believe me, he’ll be back, just like them. Naively, Yukiko wonders what he wanted, to which Chie replies “Obviously, he was asking you out on a date!” Interestingly, her voice actress makes the line sound very possessive, which gives me the distinct impression that she and Yukiko are more than just friends. An impression that will gather more and more weight as the recaps continue.
‘Only I get to call you that!’
By ‘hang out’, he means ‘go shopping and listen to power ballads together’.
Yosuke comes into shot, pushing his unstable bike, and remarks that Yukiko’s getting quite adept at turning down losers who ask her out. He even admits that she did the same thing to him last year. Well, a lot can change in a year, and I doubt Yosuke still wants a piece of Yukiko’s pie, since Gary’s gaydar is pinging like a malfunctioning microwave right now. Yukiko acts shocked that she has so many admirers, because she’s oh-so modest and unaware of her own attractiveness, and Yosuke jokingly asks her out again, getting another flat “No” in return.
Climbing onto his bike, he tells Chie and Yukiko not to “pick on” Gary too much, then rides away, probably to submerge his battered testes in iced water. Chie screams after him “We’re just curious, is all!” Bi-curious, maybe. Yukiko apologizes for “dragging [Gary] into this”, like it was some huge argument and not a little harmless banter between classmates. Then Chie says they should leave, because the other students are starting to stare at them. God, that was a weird scene.