When Cesario finally does decide to storm LIONEL CASTLE, which, according to the game’s calendar, is almost one year later, the camera fades in to the same gate from the top of the recap, only this time, instead of a pair of Generic Knights, Cesario himself clamors along on top of the wall. How did he get up there? Well, that’s a good question.
Loading ...Cesario dorks down to the party, “Wait here. I’ll open the gate,” but before he can even turn around or teleport to the ground or whatever he was planning on doing, a Familiar Voice off-screen yells, “Not so fast!” The camera whips around just in time to see the Voice’s owner, Gaffy, naturally, saunter onscreen. “You got in [by blatantly abusing the Black Screen of Lazy Game Designers] all right, but you didn’t notice an ambush,” he snidely comments. The camera zips back around the wall to see two Archers, three Knights, and a Summoner walk onscreen and surround the party. Cesario says “Damn,” even though he’s safe atop the wall. Gaffy tells Cesario that they must battle to the death and then rapes Cesario out of half his HP with that cheap-ass “Night Sword” of his. Somehow, Cesario had the foresight to equip himself with lots of healthy abilities like “Gain HP by Walking Around Onscreen” and “Chakra” before battle, so while he flounces around the screen, balancing healing with Accumulating and Yelling to raise his strength and speed, respectively, Gaffy resorts to simply chasing Cesario around the battlefield, attacking him whenever he’s close enough. On the other side of the wall, my super-buff party members make short work of the enemy Generics and methodically collect their crystallized souls. All in a day’s work.
Cesario eventually speeds himself up so much that he gets several turns to Gaffy’s one, and with one expertly-timed series of attacks, knocks Gaffy into next week. Instead of just teleporting away like every other important enemy in this stupid game, Gaffy actually bemoans his fate and dies, transforming into a Soul Crystal. Ah, closure. Oh, and I was supposed to open the gate at some point during the battle by maneuvering Cesario over to that switch we saw the first time the gate opened, but I never got around to it. Oh well. It’s not like Cesario needed the party’s help in offing Gaffy, anyway.
Cesario reminds everybody that the party needs to save the Not!Princess, and everybody scuttles into LIONEL CASTLE, straight into the next scene. The camera spins around a very cathedral-esque room, complete with stone altar and golden candelabras, and the party assembles just in time to hear Dracula bitch that Gaffy obviously was not a very competent minion. “Anyhow, you’re good,” he notes of Cesario, “You have Beoulve blood in your veins. Even if you are a bastard.” Heh. Burn. It’s a shame that Dracula’s about to die, he’s just beginning to grow on me a little bit.
Dracula tells Cesario that, if Cesario doesn’t want to face the wrath of a crotchety old man with an overwhelming amount of religious zeal fluttering around in his head, he’d better fork over the Yellow Holy Stone that GM found in GOUG. Cesario flatly refuses, demanding to know where Ophelia is, instead. I wonder how much longer the game designers are going to try to convince us that we actually care about Ophelia’s well-being. Dracula tells Cesario that, without power, he can’t hope to help Not!Princess Ophelia, and when Cesario again demands to know where the Not!Princess is, Dracula exposits that Ophelia chose to accept his help and left for ZELTENNIA with Vormav, like, eleven months ago. Oh. …Shit.
You can say that again.
Dracula switches tack and tries to get Cesario to join his ranks, arguing that it will be easier for Cesario to get what he wants with the added power of the Church and the Stones, and again, Cesario refuses. “I don’t want to change the world!” he cries, “I just can’t allow people to suffer and die because of some elitist’s ideas.” Dracula scoffs that Cesario doesn’t understand the power of the Stones, and offers to give the party a free sample. Raise your hand if you see this ending badly.
Dracula pulls the Red Holy Stone from his habit and holds it high above his head. It crackles with Red Energy, and a circle of pinkish mist envelops Dracula. Red lightning strikes Dracula, and, under the cover of a huge explosion, Dracula trades places with… Oogie Boogie, of The Nightmare Before Christmas fame. I never would have thought, looking at Oogie Boogie, that he’d be one of the legendary Zodiac Braves. Go figure.
Oogie chortles, “Hya, ha ha! How about that? Surprised?” and then, so that we all get that he’s evil, he adds, “Now, let me have my fun. Let me hear your screams and suffering death cries!” Boss Battle Time, I guess. Oogie casts Death Sentence and Sleep on like, practically the whole party at the same time, so the battle is a little on the stressful side, but after a smack down from Heidi and Cesario, Oogie gives up the ghost. With a pointed, “I’m immortal… how can I be losing…? It’s impossible. I can’t… die… until he resurrects…” Oogie explodes in a huge flash of Red Light. All that’s left of Dracula after the explosion is the Red Holy Stone, which hovers in midair for a moment, shimmers, and falls to the ground. You can totally tell that Cesario doesn’t want to touch that shit with a ten-foot stick.
The scene shifts suddenly to the Inside of ZELTENNIA CASTLE. We catch a glimpse of B!LL, in his throne room, flanked on one side by two old Priesty-looking types, and on the other by a man in a brown cloak and a younger man with dark hair. The Dearly Departed Delita busts into the room and kneels in front of B!LL. B!LL recognizes the Dearly Departed Delita as the man who “saved” Ophelia, and the Dearly Departed Delita exposits that he is a Black Sheep Knight, and was sent by Baron Grims to save the (Not!)Princess and bring her back to ZELTENNIA. Minister Gelwan, one of the octogenarians at B!LL’s side, comments that he’s never heard of Delita, but B!LL, undeterred, tells the Dearly Departed One that Baron Grims died last month in battle, and his soldiers were completely wiped out. The Dearly Departed Delita tells B!LL that that’s precisely why he returned. I guess we’re meant to assume that Delita killed Baron Grims and the Black Sheep Knights in battle, than impersonated a Black Sheep Knight and brought the Not!Princess to ZELTENNIA to gain B!LL’s favor. But honestly? That’s all fanwank, as this garbage is clear as mud. So, you know, take it with a grain of salt.
Orlandu, the brown-cloaked man, interrupts to mention that he’d heard that Delita had brought a prisoner back to ZELTENNIA with him. At the Dearly Departed Delita’s summons, a Generic Knight escorts the Prisoner, a Generic Squire, into the room. Delita asks the Prisoner why he kidnapped the Not!Princess and we all immediately realize that the Prisoner is in cahoots with Delita, because we saw Delita kidnap the Not!Princess with our own eyes. All this detective footwork is starting to make me miss the games that would rather drop an anvil on my head than let me figure out anything for myself. The Fake!Prisoner tells the Dearly Departed Delita that “[he] framed [B!LL] to prevent him from [LESALIA], … taking the regency.” The only thing I did to that quote was insert the appropriate pronouns or nicknames, just for the record. Otherwise, it’s word for word. This game –sing it if you know it!– MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! Seriously, I don’t even know what to make of the Prisoner’s line. I guess all we need to know is that Delita is trying to make it look like somebody doesn’t want B!LL to become the ruler of Ivalice, because he’s all, “Who gave you the order? [W!LL]?”
Oh, somebody dying. What a refreshing change.
Fake!Prisoner tells Delita that he got the order to frame B!LL from one of B!LL’s aids. I would totally DUN! here, if I thought this made one lick of sense, but it doesn’t, so let’s just keep slugging through it. The long and short of the story is that the Fake!Prisoner fingers Minister Gelwan as the aid trying to blame B!LL for the Princessnapping, and the Dearly Departed Delita kills Gelwan, thereby earning the B!LL’s trust. The Dearly Departed Delita tells B!LL that they need to lead the Nanten Knights to the capital, so as to avoid B!LL getting blamed for the entire fiasco. Delita suggests that the Nanten Knights dispose of Queen Ruvelia and Prince Orinas, that way Ophelia can take the throne as B!LL’s puppet and B!LL can rule all of Ivalice. And B!LL, being the strong, independent leader that he is, totally lets this guy he met five minutes ago do all the deciding for him. Pantywaist.
The screen shifts to a large painting depicting two Chocobo-mounted armies warring against each other, and Alazam pipes up to break it all down for us:
“[B!LL] went to Lesalia, and confined Ruvelia in BETHLA (Again? I thought she was already there?) for kidnapping the Princess, and [B!LL] let the Princess accede to the throne. But [W!LL] insisted Orinas was the legitimate successor and had him accede to the throne. Then [W!LL] became the regent as a guardian. Immediately after, [W!LL] sent the Hokuten led by Orinas to BETHLA to rescue the Queen. Meanwhile, [B!LL] sent the Nanten led by [Ophelia]…
This is the beginning of the upheaval which would later be called the ‘Lion War’…”
And with that, we’ve come full circle, folks. Give yourselves a pat on the back for surviving, you deserve it. I’m not going to go so far as to say that it’ll be any easier to understand this train wreck of a game from here on out, but at least now, all of our mixed timelines have caught up with each other. That should help.
So, it is now several months later, and we’re in the heart of the Lion War. The camera fades up inside of B!LL’s conference room, and we see B!LL, surrounded by his trusted advisors, Marquis Elmdor –remember him?–, Orlandu, the guy from earlier with the brown cloak, and two other random guys. Random Guy #1, Bolmna, reports, “20,000 dead. Counting both sides, that makes 40,000…” Wow, that’s a pretty evenly distributed war. Bolmna also reports that there have been over 200,000 injured, from B!LL’s troops alone. Elmdor tells B!LL that casualties aren’t the only problem, because with the draught, there isn’t enough food to go around. Random Guy #2, Blansh, tells B!LL that W!LL’s troops are probably facing the same difficulties, only their crops were ruined by too much rain.
Orlandu comments that the most serious problems are the people made destitute by the war. He says that, according to Olan, the dark haired youth from before, more than “100,000 refugees have come to [LESALIA].” Blansh snorts that the refugees will eat W!LL out of house and home, but Orlandu ices that the exact same thing could happen to B!LL, and suggests that B!LL start peace talks with W!LL. Stupid Stubborn B!LL stupids that he can’t stop the war, but instead, he’ll increase taxes by 30% and strictly monitor all migratory activity into LIMBERRY. Orlandu’s all “Dumbass! We can’t tax people more, because the farmers are the people hurt most by the war!” but B!LL simply calls Orlandu a coward, scoffing that he never thought he’d hear this peace talk garbage from the man they used to call “T.G. Cid.” Oh good, we have a Cid now. I was beginning to think that maybe FFT isn’t a real Final Fantasy after all, but now we’ve got a Cid, so we’re good to go. The assembled men talk amongst themselves for a little while longer, but nothing good comes of it until the scene freezes and we learn that we’ve reached the beginning of “Chapter Three: The Valiant.”
After the Chapter title has wiped itself off of the screen, Cesario pipes up and tells us, in Alazam!Speak, that the Dearly Departed Delita told him that the war is a big tide, and he’s going against it. Cesario wonders to himself: “If this age of war is the ‘big tide’ like a fate we can’t avoid, can I go against it?” Then he exposits that he’s headed to LESALIA to tell Brother Gideon that somebody is manipulating the war. Given the track record Cesario has with his brothers, I’m sure Gideon will drop everything to end the war as soon as he hears the news. And then Michael Jackson will be found innocent and Bush will resign.
Well, I guess a new chapter is as good a place to stop as any. Next time, we’ll rejoin Cesario and see exactly how the reunion with Gideon goes, but for now, I hope everybody is enjoying VGR’s Third Birthday Extravaganza. See all the hard work we go through for you guys? You’re so spoiled.
See you in Part 5!