Unlike the last battle I was in, I have almost total control over my team. The only “guest” in this battle is Delita, who runs around the map of his own accord and says useful things like “Cesario, watch out! Don’t rush them!” before Cesario’s turn, which prompts Cesario to retort, “Don’t patronize me Delita! I’m also a Beoulve!!” Also a Beoulve? Jesus, this is like a fucking soap opera! Who else in this battle is a Beoulve? Can I get a show of hands? Any evil twins that want to out themselves while we’re at it?

Regardless of exactly how many Beoulves there really are, SquireLiar excitedly notices that if the Not!Thieves can beat Cesario, they can strike a powerful blow against the “snot-nosed nobles” holdin’ the poor man down. “Silence!” Cesario bitches to SquireLiar. “Surrender or die in obscurity!” Okay, that cinches it.

So, Cesario and “his” band of Generic student warriors eventually crush the Not!Thieves into pulp. At the end of the battle, Cesario hits them heavily with the moral ending about how stealing and dying go hand in hand. His words fall upon dead ears. Hell, I wasn’t even paying attention. After the fight, I get 500 gil for winning and 2000 more in the form of a “war trophy,” which is just the nice way of saying “loot taken from the still warm bodies of the bastards we just massacred.”

World Map of Random Lines and Symbols. A line emerges from GARILAND MAGIC CITY and connects it to a small red dot, which gets connected to another, larger red dot. Before moving Chibi!Cesario to the small red dot, however, I take a few moments to take stock of the party’s inventory.

After stealing all the armor and weapons from Cesario’s classmates, I kick them all out of the party. I mean, come on, did you really expect me to go through the game with Generics with names like “Fawn” and “Jorge”? So, after a brief visit to GARILAND MAGIC CITY’s Soldier Office, which randomly generates new soldiers just dying to be picked and named by yours truly, Cesario, Jeanne, Kelly, Ben, Samantha (who was actually one of the original Generics), and Ryan are ready to make like a breech and head out. I move the little cursor over to the small red dot on the map and select it to get Cesario to move, but the screen goes black before “he” can even leave town.

Return of the Frozen Brown Screen Effect. We glimpse an old man in bed, surrounded by three younger people, two boys and a girl. I’ll spare you the Manage Quatre joke. Alazam pipes up to tell us that Balbanes, a Heavenly Knight and father of the Beoulve children, is on his deathbed. So, is this like a flashback within a flashback or something? Apparently it is, because THE END OF THE 50 YEAR WAR – THE BEOULVE RESIDENCE wipes across the screen and breaks the freeze.

Balbanes, sporting his misguided child’s ponytail, is made out to be the ever-dutiful general. Even on his deathbed, the first question he asks is “How goes the battle?” Mine would probably be, “Can I get some more Vicodin up in here?”

Zalbag and his goat beard tell Balbanes that the troops are doing well and even recovered Limberry–wherever the hell that is–and Lord Dycedarg, as he’s named, states that some other leader-type is ready for peace talks. Balbanes sighs the heavy sigh of a man who has lived a full life marked by tragic loss and participation in the plot, instead of the shallow breathing of a soon-to-be-dead RPG dad, and heroically comments that the long war will finally end. He prepares to die, surrounded by his family, but realizes that he has some more unfinished exposition to exposit. He tells Zalbag and Dycedarg (from here on out referred to as Gideon and Foulfellow, respectively, after the bumbling wanna-be badguys duo from Pinnochio. You know, the fox and the cat that trick Pinnoch into not going to school?) to watch out for their two younger half-siblings. Speak of the devil, as we hear some serious Birkenstocks clomping down the hallway and Cesario bursts into the room. “He” shrieks, “Father!!” and Foulfellow tells him to make like Jenny Craig and shut his pie hole.

Balbanes comments on what a fine young “man” Cesario has become and decides to tell Cesario that he pulled some strings to get her boyfriend Delita into “the Academy” this spring. Then, Balbanes begins his carefully rehearsed last words.

“A Beoulve has served in the royal family for generations. The warrior spirit is in us. Never shame your name. Never tolerate injustice. Living true to your heart [if not your gender] is the Beoulve way.”

Then, since he doesn’t die and has tragically already used his thought-out last words, Balbanes hastily adds, “Delita’s a good boy. He should serve you well.” Geez, the universe seems to be ‘shipping Cesario/Delita all of a sudden. OMGTHEIRLOVEISSOCONFUSED. “Take good care of Alma…” Balbanes croaks. Then he croaks. Fade to brown… and fade to black. Geez, is it just me, or have I said that a lot this recap?

And on that happy note, we are plopped back at the world map. Again, I maneuver the cursor to the small red dot, and this time, Cesario scuttles along the path. As soon as “he” touches the dot, the screen freaks out and we go to the battle preparation screen.

Kelly, Ben, and Sam soon join Cesario on the screen and the MANDALIA PLAINS battle begins. The camera staggers drunkenly around a blonde man getting his face smashed in by a rough biker trick named Bertha and some other assorted Generic baddies. Bertha mumbles something about “the Marquis,” quite possibly the very same Marquis from earlier, the one that needed all the protection, but gets cut short as the party clomps onscreen.

The “Wrong Place, Wrong Time,” syndrome kicks in and Delita demands that we save the blond dude from these <spooky voice> Death Corps </spooky voice> flunkies. I have no idea how he knows that these flunkies are of the <spooky voice> Death Corps </spooky voice> variety, because they look like a bunch of regular old color-swapped Generics to me, but hey, killing is killing, so I opt for the party’s priority to be killing everyone instead of saving the mysterious blond man.

Delita gets all in a snit over Cesario’s decision and decides to save him on his own. We’ll see how well that goes without any equipment, Delita. Anyway, it doesn’t even look like “Algus,” as he’s named in battle, needs saving, because he stands up with full HP as soon as the battle starts and fights instead of running away at the first chance. This game makes no sense.

So anyway, Cesario and company somehow manage to beat the Death Corps, who are now going to be called the Happy Sunshine Cult, just to spice things up, and the random panther monster that was fighting on their side, and when the last Happy Sunshine Cult unit hits the dirt, Cesario pretends to care and asks Algus if he is okay. Algus whines about the Marquis Elmdor, who was apparently nabbed by the Cult and taken away before the battle.

Brief intermission from the dialogue as the screen goes black to allow the Generics time to clear out all the dead bodies, and then we return to Cesario, Delita, and Algus. Introductions all around, and when Algus find out that Cesario is a Beoulve, he forces his way into the party and demands that Cesario help him rescue the Marquis. Jesus, this guy is worse than a fricking Mary Sue. Just to spite him, Algus will now and forever be known as Princess Pissy Pants. Heh.

Moving onward, Cesario suggests that the motley crew head to Igros Castle (the BIG red dot) to extort some help from brother Foulfellow. Before doing that however, I take a little vacation to the Party Formation screen, where I rob PrincessPissyPants of his equipment, and proceed to use this really cool cheat I learned about on some random tips site to get most of my characters mastered in several different jobs. Sweet! One thing I notice while doing this, however, is how unhealthily thin some of the character designs are. I mean, jeez, those starving children you are always guilted into giving money to on TV look HUGE by comparison! Check the box if you don’t believe me!

Anyway, after accomplishing party-wise in a few minutes what has taken me hours to do in the past, I send the party to Igros Castle. When the screen returns from the Black Screen of Perpetual Loading, Foulfellow is sitting at the head of a table, flanked by Cesario, Delita, and PrincessPissyPants. FF strokes Cesario’s ego a bit for crashing the Happy Sunshine Cult Party before cutting to the chase. He tells the trio that he dispatched Gideon to find the Marquis, but PPP stands up and demands to have some soldiers of his own to go and find his hot Marquis man. Everybody, including yours truly, rolls their eyes and groans “he just took care of it, dumbass.” FF suggests that the trio stay and guard Igros castle instead, like they were supposed to anyway, according to the Academy, and the scene ends.

Beoulve Castle Courtyard. Cesario, Delita, and PPP walk for a bit until PPP can’t contain the urge to bitch about himself for awhile and regales the other two with a truly tear-jerking story about how his grandfather was a backstabbing bastard during the 50 Year War. Gee, I hope it doesn’t run in the family or anything…

Thankfully, PPP’s pity party is prematurely put on pause, because a woman’s voice calls out to Delita from across the courtyard. Cut to Alma, Gideon, and a girl with the second most hideous red highlights I’ve seen in my life. “[Rinoa]!” Delita calls, and the three walk over to where Cesario and Delita were trying to sneak away and leave PPP talking to himself.

Gideon congratulates Cesario for killing the Happy Sunshine Cult, and even manages to congratulate Delita, who was there, of course, but doesn’t get any praise under usual circumstances because he is, duh, a commoner. Delita and Rinoa, his sister, chat about school for awhile until Gideon interrupts them to announce that he’s going to go catch some thieves in Dorter. As he leaves, Gideon turns and calls over his shoulder, “Guarding a castle is such boring work, don’t you think?” Methinks he might be trying to tell them something, and if that subtle hint doesn’t work, maybe the Neon Sign that says GO SAVE THE MARQUIS!!! will.

Delita gets the clue and tells Alma and Rinoa (whose real name is Teta) that they should start getting ready to leave. After all, they’ll have to move fast if they want to beat out Gideon and nab the glory for themselves.

After everybody else leaves the screen, Cesario and Alma have some sisterly bonding time, where Alma promises to watch out for Rinoa, who is getting picked on at school because of, what else, her rank. Alma also tells Cesario to just be “himself” (har!) and warns “him” to not go too far just to meet their brother’s expectations. Cesario doesn’t really have anything worthwhile to say back, so “he” just kinda sneaks out of the picture. A light wind rustles Alma’s skirt and hair and she worriedly mutters, “Cesario…” as the camera passes out from the after effects of all this emotional garbage.

World Map of Glowing Dots, which are now Blue and Green. A line emerges from GARILAND MAGIC CITY and creates two more glowing red spots out east. We’ll have to wait until next time to see what plot contrivances they have in store for us though, because quite frankly, I’ve had enough of this being bounced around like a Ping Pong ball for one recap. I’ll see you next time, whenever that may be, when Cesario, Delita, and Algus continue their quest for the Missing Marquis. And the Princess too, I’m sure. We’ll see her again eventually, right?