Proof.
And even better news, the action switches back to Squally as he falls onto his hands and knees facing the camera. At that very moment, the best thing in the world happens. No, Rinhoa doesn’t burst into flames, nor does Tidus get put through a woodchipper. Think sexier. That’s right, Seifer steps into the room, bending down to check out Squally’s ass. I fucking love this game. Squally’s feelings are hurt a little bit when Seifer refers to him as “pitiful,” but that doesn’t stop him from rising to his feet and pressing himself back against Seifer, ass to groin. I think I need a cold shower. Things get a little more…disciplinary as Seifer grabs Squally by the hair and flings him onto the metal bed. You can’t see me right now, but rest assured that I’m giggling like a little 12-year-old British homo with an undersized ding-a-ling. This is like a pornographic Christmas! Well, that phrase just made me think of Santa in a leather thong and whip, so scratch that.
More proof.
Before things can get more naked and lubricated, Seifer orders someone to take Squally away. Suddenly, some furry red creatures run into the room. The last thing we see before the camera fades out is the two red things standing on two feet on either side of Squally, like some kind of horrible fursuited freaks. Shit, that took a total 180 into sick and wrong. It’s like having a nice dream about making out with a naked Auron and suddenly Tidus shows up and shits on your forehead. The game designers can go to hell.
When we fade back in, the furries are gone and Squally is now strapped to the wall in a crucifixion pose. Don’t wanna know. Seifer stands in front of him, smirking, “I’m sure you can imagine what happens now.” Oh, I sure can. In fact, I’m doing so right now. No, don’t worry, I’m a professional — both my hands are above the keyboard. God, you guys. Squally struggles sexily and demands to know what Seifer wants. Oh, that so has to be an act on Squally’s part. “What does Seifer want?” Cripes.
Unfortunately, the game designers are a bunch of prickish assholes who can’t seem to follow through on their homoerotic promises. Instead of continuing a line of dialogue that would necessitate some stripping and groping, Seifer wants to know what SeeD really is. Because Edea wanted him to ask that. Fuck Edea in the ear. She and Rinhoa need to stay out of the boys’ relationship.
The thing is, Squally doesn’t know what SeeD really is because then we would know what SeeD really is and then we wouldn’t be in the dark for at least half the game. That wouldn’t entertain the sadistic game designers nearly as much. So Squally is all, “Uh…it’s what Garden told you it is? A mercenary thingy with uniforms and stuff?” But Seifer is convinced that there must be some secret shit revealed to everyone upon initiation. Unless it’s Headmaster Cid’s gunblade fetish, not so much, thanks to those interfering creepy Garden faculty dudes. This causes a little bit of a communication breakdown between the lovers.
Squally points out the obvious — even if he did learn something, it’s going to take a heck of a lot of sexual torture to dig it out of him, so Seifer had better get started. “You’re on my ‘tough-nut-to-crack’ list,” Seifer leers. Emphasis on “nut” and “crack.” Seifer knew all along that Squally wouldn’t talk, so this was basically his plan to…coerce the information out of him. Some sexy back-and-forth later, Seifer says, “So here’s a little somethin’ for ya.” I rub my hands together in glee, hoping for some manhandling, but alas, Seifer simply has his assistant operate the Shockmaster 2000. We see the blue bolts of electricity arc through Squally’s body. I don’t know, maybe he’s into that, but it kind of kills the mood for me. Stupid Seifer.
‘Or rather, not so little.’
Seifer threatens to start in on the other SeeDs if Squally doesn’t give him what he needs. Obviously, Squally’s a bit jealous. But he’d be a lot more willing to give in to Seifer if he got more tongue action and less of that electricity shit. Seifer just doesn’t understand his needs. Also, genius that he is, Squally manages to figure out from Seifer’s statement that the other SeeDs are at the prison. Seifer affirms this, adding, “But since I like you so much, I thought you should go first.” SEE?!?!?!?!?! Suck on that, nonbelievers. Suck on it hard. “I was hoping you’d be there, Squally. So…how’d I look in my moment of triumph?” Seifer smirks. That’s more like it. The sexual tension is like, well, electricity. DO IT. DO IT NOW.
But then whoever wrote the script decided that not only do they enjoy fucking with me, but they also hate my guts. Seifer once again brings up his lifelong dream of becoming a sorceress’s knight. When Squally realizes, once again, that hot gunblade-on-gunblade action was not Seifer’s romantic dream, he goes totally limp. Metaphorically, I’m sure. He manages to squeak out one last insult, calling Seifer a “torturer” (OOH, BURN!) before passing out.
“This is the scene where you swear your undying lust hatred for me!” Seifer bitches, practically throwing a tantrum over Squally’s unconsciousness. “The tale of the evil mercenary vs. the sorceress’ knight…” he blahs, swinging his gunblade to and fro. Seriously, this scene just got hella boring without the prospect of hot, steamy buttsex. Sure, Seifer could take advantage of Squally’s passed out form, but that’s just not kosher. That’s something Tidus would do, you know? Don’t mind me, I’m still over here pouting. Stupid Seifer’s stupid brainwashed obsession.
Seifer promises that “the fun’s just started,” but he’s a big tease and I don’t believe him anymore. Naturally, the “fun” involves shocking the ever-loving crap out of the unconscious Squally until the camera fades out. Wow, how sexy. Fucking game designers, raising my hopes like that with the best scene in gaming history and then…well, I was going to say forcibly sodomizing me with a lame letdown. But that’s the problem — THERE WAS NO SODOMY.
Calming thoughts, calming thoughts. It doesn’t help that we’re back to the tedious trio. In an attempt to bring the battle mechanics into real life, Selphie draws and casts a Cure spell on Zell. I know this is what she’s doing because she announces her actions out loud. Except that I don’t know why Selphie would need to draw — why can’t she just cast the stupid spell? Yes, I’m still bitter. Leave me alone.
Through this botched healing attempt, the trio realizes that there is an “anti-magic field” in place. That might explain why no magic happened in the last scene. Suddenly, the door opens and one of the orange furries walks into the room on two legs. It looks like someone trying to cosplay Red XIII with a huge spiky wig. Its four paws are disproportionately large, like a Final Fantasy IX character. I don’t even want to think about how many fetishes this creature caters to. And I take a moment to mourn my lost innocence — when this game came out, I would never have even considered that someone, somewhere was jacking off to a Moomba. My soul has died.
Anyway, the Moomba clumsily stumbles over nothing, dropping the plate it was carrying. This contrived situation takes place so that Mean Guy can show up and start beating the shit out of the poor orange thing. I would like to take a moment to point out the complicated characterization here — see, Mean Guy is bad because he likes to beat up helpless people and animals. What a big meanie jerk! Let’s hate him!
I get a choice here — to fight for justice or to let the dude continue to have his way with the Moomba. Stratguidos once again bestowed upon me some advice for this whole prison sequence that basically boiled down to “Don’t be a dickhead.” So Zell and Selphie get all in Mean Guy’s face, defending their new anthropomorphic friend. This time, Zell even grabs onto MG’s nightstick and pushes him backward (yowch!) before doing his foot stamp thing. My rabbits do that, by the way. The foot stamp, not the nightstick grabbing part. Well, except for Cinnamon — she has no respect for penises, as Brinco can attest. Mean Guy runs off to nurse his bruised ego, spouting some empty threats. I bet he’s going to throw some Paris Hilton photos into the cell, or maybe even Photoshop Zell’s head onto an animal body. He’ll show them!
Selphie attempts to cure the Moomba with her ineffective magic and it flails its paws around cutely. Awwww. And then someone writes a horrible and degrading fanfiction about it.
Back to the Interrogation Chamber of No Buttsex, Damn It. Squally is awake now, to Seifer’s delight. Unfortunately, the asshat assistant is still there. Buckfutter. Yet again, Seifer wonders why SeeD “oppose[s] the sorceress.” Yet again, Squally is all, “Wha?” Yet again, any possibility of fondling and penetration is foiled when a random guard enters and announces, “Sir Seifer, the missiles targetted for the Garden are ready to launch.” Oh noes! They have announced their plans! “Balamb Garden is to be destroyed on charges of training SeeDs to oppose the sorceress,” Seifer blahs. WHO CARES ABOUT THE PLOT JUST KISS HIM ALREADY. Ahem.
Squally wants roses and chocolates from his lover, not destruction of his home. They’re going to have a big argument over this, Squally decides. Seifer has been totally whipped by that Edea bitch, and he admits that this whole plan is her idea. This causes Squally to wonder if Seifer will go back to being his boyfriend if he manages to kill off the sorceress. Or is that just a hopeless dream? “After the Garden’s gone, the SeeD hunt will begin. I’ll be Edea’s bloodhound and hunt down everyone of your kind,” Seifer threatens. Well, that’s some serious denial — he is of Squally’s kind. Oh, he was talking about SeeDs. Right.
This is where we are supposed to be totally worried and upset over all those nameless SeeDs we don’t know back at Garden. No, not those random people! Anything but that! We’re subjected to Seifer’s evil yet silent laughter for a while before he orders Squally not to die. “Continue with the interrogation,” he tells the guard. And then he leaves. Shit. Even a Squally/Seifer non-buttsex scene is better than a Squally/Random Asshole Guard scene. This is boring.
Therefore, I will summarize the rest of this crap so that we can move on to other boring stuff. The assistant — whose real title/name is Warden — continues to pry for information on SeeD. Squally still doesn’t have any fucking idea what he’s talking about. Commence electric shocks. I get another “You must choose…wisely” decision-making moment. Squally can be a giant pussy and try to save his ass by lying or he can Fight for Justice by sacrificing himself. I’m totally stoked to get that promised reward later on, so justice it is!
Squally totally burns the Warden by telling him he has ass breath, then spits on him. This masterful insult causes the Warden to give Squally the endless shock treatment until he once again lapses into unconsciousness. I get the idea that the Warden hoped for a little bit of the Squally action himself and just can’t take the rejection. Fade out on the Warden ordering some Moombas to “watch” Squally. The game designers gain a microscopic bit of my respect back for cutting away from that scene.
With my heart and hopes in sad, quivering pieces on the floor, I may as well split the recap here. So go and grab the requisite alcoholic drink (But only if you’re over 21! I don’t want any parents or parental sockpuppets suing my ass!) and join me for the big prison break. Oops, spoiler!