First question: where the fuck is Ward? Answer: unlike the other two shiftless losers in the trio, he managed to find himself a job after quitting the army. Of course, it’s not the most exciting career path (to make a giant understatement) — he’s the janitor at a prison. The D-District Prison, to be exact — not that this means anything to us now. But who am I to judge someone else’s life goals? Maybe he enjoys cleaning jizz and feces off the walls. Unfortunately for Ward, he lost his voice permanently. Like I said earlier, it figures that it would happen to one of the non-irritating characters in this game. “You could basically tell what he wants from his facial expressions,” Kiros says suggestively. Sexual content aside, I think that would be a useful talent — I’d like to perfect the “SHUT UP AND DIE NOW” facial expression myself. Especially around screaming brats.

 Loading ...

Second question: how the fuck is MarySulia? Before I continue, I’d like to say something. I went back and read my recap with that whole Laguna dream with the hotel bar and the leg cramp and the room visit. For some odd reason, I took that scene at face value — that Laguna had the hots for that sexy pianist and acted like an asstard out of nervousness. But reading it after two years of recapping, it’s so, so clear that he’s just interested in her as a beard. Think about it — the way his entire body rebels upon approaching her, not to mention his terror at the prospect of visiting her room. Heck, what straight guy would get plastered and babble himself to sleep when there’s a chance he might get to boff a hot chick? Exactly. Plus, the fact that Squally was inside his brain during that whole part certainly amplified the gay. I feel really stupid admitting this gaydar failure to you guys, so all I ask is that you go easy on me. I’m very fragile right now. Well, okay, point and laugh if you must.

Back to the action! Kiros has no clue what MarySulia’s up to at the moment, since he’s not the one interested in acquiring a beard. But Raine pipes up, immediately wondering if he’s talking about “[MaryS]ulia, the singer.” Well, of course there’s no one else in the entire universe with that name. So it appears that MarySulia fulfilled her lifelong dream of singing — it helps that she’s a Mary Sue, since a naturally beautiful singing voice comes with the territory and all. Kiros giggles as he informs Raine that Laguna tried to acquire MarySulia as a beard however many years ago and constantly stalked her at the club. “[MaryS]ulia used to sing at a night club?” Raine wonders. Kiros responds with the information that we already know — she just used to play the piano. “Then the first song she released was ‘Eyes On Me’?” Raine pimps the overplayed FFVIII ballad. It seems like kind of a dumb question to ask — what does her piano playing at the club have to do with her not releasing any other songs before “Eyes On Me”? It’s just a clumsy way to introduce the song into the conversation. I don’t think it’s a big surprise that the dialogue here becomes overwhelmingly lame.

Sigh. Okay, so Laguna wants to know the lyrics to this mysterious song, like we don’t already know that it’s the dumb song that MarySulia wanted to write about him. But Raine can’t just tell him this information and get this conversation over with quickly. Nope, she has to act all surprised that Laguna never heard it. And then goes even more sharply downhill. “Well, you never let me hear it!” Wait, so Laguna has heard of MarySulia’s famous song, but Raine withheld it from him for some odd reason? And then she acted surprised that he’d never heard it? Cue the Lewis Black boggling noise. “I didn’t think you listened to music,” Raine responds. I just sat here for two minutes trying to figure out how to make the least bit of sense out of these seemingly unconnected bits of dialogue. Obviously, it’s one of those puzzles that has no solution, unless you melt your brain with illicit substances. So let’s move on.

Kiros heard that MarySulia got hitched, but somehow didn’t find out that she married General Caraway — Raine has to provide that unimportant tidbit of information. Fucking moron. “I read in a magazine that her true love went off to war and never came back,” Raine obliviously comments. Well, that kind of sucks — I wonder who that poor asshole was. “General Caraway comforted her while she was feeling down. That’s how they got to know each other,” Raine continues. Wait, so she knows these kinds of details about MarySulia’s personal life, but she didn’t know that MarySulia was originally a pianist or that “Eyes on Me” was her first song? Throw me a God damn bone here, game designers. Wait, don’t.

Translation: he screwed her brains out.

Of course we’ve all used our super-sleuthing skills by now to figure out that General Caraway must have been married to MarySulia before he met Rinhoa’s mom. Just kidding — MarySulia is obviously responsible for spawning that thing. And this teaches us a very important yet frightening lesson: Mary Sueism is genetic. Also, is this the first point where we “officially” figure out that all these insipid Laguna dreams are flashbacks? That just may be the case, but I don’t care enough to check.

Kiros is more interested in punishing Laguna for his beard-related follies: “…So she didn’t wait for the soldier to come back…?” I mean, that has to be the reason he asked since he already knows the answer. Jesus. Laguna throws a shitfit, saying that it doesn’t matter as long as MarySulia is happy. Yeah, he seems heartbroken. “Ain’t that right, Elle?” he asks, squatting down and speaking to the offscreen kid. And here I had almost forgotten she existed. Just keep piling the crap on me, won’t you, game designers? Ellone agrees and adds, “Uncle Laguna and Raine are…” Laguna freaks out, covering her text box with his own screams. He doesn’t want Kiros to get upset with him and deny him the sweet, sweet lovin’. No wonder he didn’t seem to give a shit about MarySulia — he’s already found another beard. And how the hell would Ellone even know what Laguna was talking about regarding MarySulia? I sincerely hope he didn’t give her the details of his supposed hetero love life.

Finally, I get to pick the final question, which is a gray parenthetical one: “(…Where am I?)” This is obviously the dreaming Squally wondering what’s happening to his hot bod back in the real world. I miss him. Laguna’s response to this selection is “…I think the faeries are here.” While this may seem like a completely random statement on Laguna’s part, this is actually what he and his buddies call the “visitations” by Squally and company. See? It’s canon: Squally is a fairy. Laguna doesn’t go into how it feels to have a second raging homosexual inside his cranium, nor does Kiros describe the ramifications of being possessed by a wannabe beard or a hotdog-loving young man. That’s up to all the fanfic writers. On a regular basis, I’m sure. What we do find out is that all the junctioning and nifty stats of the “faeries” help both Laguna and Kiros to feel like strong, manly men. With four-foot trophies.

‘Though I prefer the term “butt pirates”…’

To my great relief, Exposition Time is over for now, and Laguna wants to get down to business with Kiros. Like that. Unfortunately, they first have to fight some monsters. Raine says that Kiros can stick around indefinitely as long as he “work[s] for what [he] eat[s].” I’m sure he’ll be fine with that, as long as the “work” involves Laguna. If you follow me. I’m talking about whoring.

Laguna and Kiros burst out of the pub as quickly as possible, feeling an overwhelming need to escape from all that estrogen. They walk to the edge of the square, stopping between a pair of phallic light posts for another God damn cut scene. Good lord. Kiros is dying to know what on earth Laguna does all day in this shitty little Podunk. Why, he spends his time fighting the town’s seemingly endless infestation of Bite Bugs and Caterchipillars, of course! Wow, that’s just…man, that’s fucking sad. Ward’s job as a jail jizzmopper sounds positively impressive in comparison. I almost feel bad for making fun of Laguna, he’s such a loser.

PENIS!

He explains that since all the town’s able-bodied men went off to war, it’s up to him to keep everyone safe. From Bite Bugs and Caterchipillars, I will reiterate. “The only ones still left in town are old people, children, chocobos, dogs, and cats,” he says. Notice that he did not include women on that list. Quite telling, that. Well, even if Laguna did happen to realize that women exist, it’s not like chicks can fight worth shit. To top off this Wankstory, Laguna dubs himself the “Monster Hunter of Winhill.” He hunts Bite Bugs and Caterchipillars. Does that even count as “hunting”? Jesus.

Laguna appoints Kiros as his “monster” “hunting” assistant. Emphasis on “ass.” Their “job” for the day is to “patrol the town up to the town entrance!” I’m sure that’s going to be the most difficult task ever found in a video game, right up there with the Via Infinito and Emerald Weapon. So let’s roll up our sleeves and head out into the monster infested hellhole.

A grueling four and a half minutes later, Laguna and Kiros the Extreme Monster Hunters reach a flower shop of the Small on the Outside, Bigger on the Inside variety. And it only took them that long because they drew a shitload of magic from the pathetic monsters. Yes, drawing magic actually makes these battles more interesting. Please stop crying. The old lady inside the shop pointedly remarks that Laguna should go back to Deling City since Winhill is surely very boring to such a vital young man. Considering that a blunt statement like “GET OUT OF OUR TOWN YOU IRRITATING ASSHAT” wouldn’t penetrate Laguna’s thick skull, I’m sure this poor lady is wasting her breath with the subtle treatment.

Continuing down the rural dirt road, Laguna and Kiros pass a “chocobo crossing” sign. This is the game designers’ attempt to throw the fanboys a bit of a bone regarding the blessed lack of chocobos thus far. Because God knows we don’t get enough of the things in every other freaking Final Fantasy game.

In front of the last building in the last “thriving” section of town, Laguna announces that they’ve completed their patrol. I guess I can add my name to the Video Gaming Hall of Fame for that accomplishment, right up there with the 11 minute Super Mario 3 guy. Bow to me. “We’re to report to the commander and asst. commander,” Laguna tells Kiros. Kiros correctly deduces that Laguna is just talking about that pub chick, since there’s no way that there’s any actual commander type person in town. “Her name’s Raine. Raine, OK!? She saved my life,” Laguna freaks. I think we’re supposed to believe that Laguna is actually into Raine, despite his protests from earlier. But no. The game designers will not fool me again. There must be some other explanation.

“She seems like a really nice person. But easily taken in by a closeted homosexual hotshot,” Kiros snits. Laguna can’t think of a reply to this accurate comment, so he decides, “OK, let’s step up our patrol a notch.” How is that even possible? YOU ARE FIGHTING BITE BUGS AND CATERCHIPILLARS. He wants Kiros to help him devise a “plan” after they return to the “base.” Jesus Christ, this is asinine.

At least I get to experience a little bit of shadenfreude in these dark times. The item shop owner doesn’t try to mince words the way the flower shop lady did. He or she tells Laguna to make like a tree and get the fuck out of there. Okay, so I’m not just overreacting to Laguna’s dipshittery — he’s managed to piss off the NPC population as well. What a relief. Laguna has to lie that he’s shopping for Raine in order to get serviced. Not like that. I also make him try to converse with the dude/tte just for shits and giggles. The conversation is as follows:

Laguna (whinily): I just wanna chat.
Item Shop Person: …How’s Raine?
Laguna: Uhh, she’s doing fine.
Item Shop Person: That’s good. But it’d be even better if you left!

AWESOME. The item shop person is my new favorite character. And I don’t even know his or her gender! Woe! His errands finished, Laguna heads back to the “base,” while Kiros follows, checking out Laguna’s ass. Next to the chocobo crossing sign, Kiros has to get on my bad side by stopping for another pointless chat. Kiros wonders if Laguna is wasting his time going on “monster” “hunting” missions every day. “‘Thing’!? What’re you callin’ ‘THING’!?” Laguna shrieks, overly defensive that someone pointed out the dipshittery of his hobby. Kiros reminds Laguna of his lifelong dream — you know, that journalist thing? He brings up the Timber Maniacs magazine and his pillow talk conversation with the editor. “He said he’s interested in any article related to world travel,” Kiros hints. Laguna seems thrilled until Kiros suggests that they actually talk to the guy about it. Then he shuts down like Shion at a library. End scene. God.