On the way to the next fantastical find, a random battle takes place with a thing that looks like a four-legged spider made out of Queen Amidala’s headgear. The “body” of the spider is a large gold-decorated Christmas ornament. To attack, it stands with its four feet surrounding the victim, while it repeatedly bashes its body down upon him. When it gets low on HP, it starts flailing around like a drunk. Your guess is as good as mine. I just couldn’t not describe it.

The next set of hijinks occurs when the party encounters, as Laguna describes it, “A blue and red switch, and 2 fuses.” Kiros explains to him (and me, as I have no clue either) that it’s a detonator. Through his haze of idiocy, Laguna manages to figure out that the blue switch/fuse goes to the nearby glowy green boulder, and the red switch/fuse goes to the faraway glowy green boulder. Knowing Laguna’s penchant for dumbassery, Ward is all, “No way, dude, that thing will blow harder than your future son MarySulia.” Laguna, using some sort of strange moron logic, figures that if they stay behind “it” — whether “it” refers to the detonator or the boulder I have no clue — they’ll be fine. Now, I must confess, I know little of detonators and explody thingys. I know you all think I sit in my basement, manufacturing bombs to send out to the sadists who inflict these games upon us, but the truth is much more boring than that. What I’m trying to say is that I can’t give any expert opinion on Laguna’s statement. What I can do is engage in some simple pattern recognition, and guess that Laguna’s shit content is akin to that of a litterbox.

The others, though skeptical, don’t scream, “NOOOOOOO!!!!!!” and tackle Laguna to the ground. Well, at least not outside of fanfiction. So I get the choice to either press the blue switch, the red switch, or leave everything the hell alone. Once again, I consult my personal GF, Stratguidos, who tells me to press the red one first, in order to dislodge the further boulder. So I do. Laguna assures the others that they’re far enough away that the blast won’t reach them. True to every comic stereotype, the blast shakes the entire cavern, scaring the ever-loving shit out of Laguna and his pals. We see the boulder roll down a hole and chase a freaked-out Esthar soldier through the previous tunnel. Oh, the wackiness!

Back in the bomb room, Ward and Kiros make some snide remarks about what just happened. Laguna flip-flops faster than the presidential candidate of your choice when he blusters, “That’s what I told you before! You should always check how powerful the thing could be….” Ward points out that he made that particular statement, so shut up, Mr. Girl Hair. Laguna changes the subject, but it’s too late — he’s made an ass of himself yet again. I’ve probably just lost those of you who are playing a drinking game to unconsciousness, so the rest of us will just move on without you.

But we’re not done with this exciting sequence! Laguna pushes the blue switch for the nearby boulder. He’s obviously learned from the last experience, as he screams at the other two to run. They do — clear across the room and up some stairs. Ward runs like a girl, in one of those big-guy-is-big-pansy type of situations. So first we had a far-off boulder that made a huge blast when they didn’t expect it. Now we have a nearby boulder, and they expect a huge blast. Can anyone out there with near-psychic predictive skills guess what’s about to take place? Anyone? Seriously, guess. This is so good.

Are you ready?

It barely makes a sound at all! God damn, these game designers are comic geniuses. I’m reeling from the switcheroo they just pulled.

We return to the bomb room in time to see this boulder roll out of the room — chasing some more Esthar soldiers, of course — and block the hole that the previous boulder entered. We have come full circle. Or something. And of course we get the same dialogue where Ward and Kiros mention the lack of a blast and Laguna says he told them so even though he didn’t. Even more so than the [Old Key] debacle, this shite had better serve me at some point in the future.

The next room has a walkway that runs past a huge pink hole in the rock. Said hole resembles a gaping vagina. Yeah, in Final Fantasy VIII. On and on they go through the tunnels, everything looking pretty much the same. After several random battles with Esthar soldiers and Amidala Christmas Ornament Spiders, the group runs into something different. It looks like a hunchbacked alien with creepy child-molestor hands. Apparently, it has the one-hit-kill ability Degenerator, but I’m lucky enough to get away without experiencing it. But it drops the Black Hole item, which Quistis can use for learning the Degenerator ability herself. Score! Except that I can only use it during a limit break. Shit. I only mention this because it’s so important to the plot. And Squally loves Rinhoa.

Laguna finds another random boulder, but for some reason this one doesn’t require explosives to dislodge. He moves it aside easily, apparently chasing away yet another Esthar soldier (this “action” takes place via text box). Ward chides him, saying — and I quote — “Geez… You have to go around touching everything like a little kid, don’t you?” I don’t think I need to add anything to that. Kiros tells him to calm the fuck down and stop acting like a cracked-out spaz. “WHATEVER-MAN!” Laguna shrieks incoherently. “Thanks to ME, those Esthar soldiers and that rock are history. It’s like killing two pigs with one stone. I am just so awesome… Genius, I tell you…” His friends point out that this “awesome genius” fucked up the saying. See, it’s funny because Laguna thinks he’s smart and he’s really dumb! And it’s not at all grating or repetitive!

The tunnel ends at an overlook area that resembles the Cliffs of Insanity from the top. For those of you who have never seen a game or movie or anything before, this might come as a surprise, but some Esthar guards come out of the tunnel behind them and trap them at the cliff. Oh NOES! The trio spouts some dialogue that essentially translates to “FUCK!!!” And not as a command. Jeez, you guys. Battle time!

This time, the Esthar soldiers don’t suck quite as much ass, so maybe these are the cyborgs that Stratguidos told me about. But I’m starting to fanwank a bit, so let’s move on. Whatever the case, these are special mini-boss type dudes. As soon as the last one dies, he lets out a Super Duper Plot Point Move, in which he reduces Ward and Kiros’s HP to 1. This basically serves to make them extremely fucking injured so that Laguna is in charge of their fates. Yeah, I know.

The camera angle changes so that we can see the extreme height of the cliff and all the happy little boats floating in the ocean below. Laguna spazzes in glee over reaching the ocean because now they can make it home! Kiros points out that in actuality, they’re royally fucked. “Don’t say that. It might come true. Didn’t your grandmother tell you that?” Laguna morons. Yes she did, according to Kiros. God, this dialogue. Ward gurgles like a half-conscious heroin addict. Kiros, lying facedown a few feet away, manages to deduce that Ward lost his voice from his injuries. Fuck, why couldn’t that happen to Laguna? God damn, Ward’s dialogue was actually funny.

Though Ward is, indeed, mute for the rest of the game, he still manages to squeak out, “It was fun you guys.” Though with about ten times more ellipses. “Ward, that’s way uncool. It’s not cool to say things like that,” Laguna whines at his nearly-dead friend. Kneeling next to Ward, he threatens, “Just for that, you’re getting’ the Cuchi-Cuchi treatment!” This next part is — surprise! — poorly animated, but essentially looks like Laguna shaking in place like a human vibrator. Because the game designers don’t know when to stop with the disturbing shit, they prolong the sequence by making Laguna scream, “How’s that, huh!? Want more!? Well!?” Holy God. Ward, meanwhile, prays for death. I can’t blame him, because that’s what I’m doing, too. There’s a certain line that is crossed once you get into the wildly-molesting-half-dead-friend territory, and we’re firmly on the other side at the moment.

Laguna announces that he sees a boat just below them, which is how they’ll return to their homeland, never mind all the logistics of stealing the boat. But he sure knows how he’s going to get his injured friends down there. Helping Kiros to his feet, Laguna launches him over the cliff. Asstard. Kiros does this nifty flip thing, totally by accident, and if the cliff didn’t block our view, I’m sure we’d see him hit the water with a flawless entry. He’s that fabulous. Laguna does the exact same thing with Ward, minus the graceful dive. There’s even a huge overdone splash. See, because Ward is large (possibly fat), and large (possibly fat) people make big splashes when they jump in the water. It’s funny! “You guys…sure have guts. You know how high this cliff is…!?” Laguna wanks cluelessly. Of course, since Laguna has the balls of a grasshopper, he tries to gingerly make his way down the cliff instead of jumping. But he falls! Because he’s a klutzy pratfalling dork!

Thankfully, the Laguna sequence is now over, and we rejoin Squally as he and the others wake up from their nap. You know, I’m all for humorous stuff in games, but a small amount of dumb-is-funny!!!! jokes go a long way. Not like penis jokes, which never get old. Penis!

When the screen comes up, Rinhoa stands in place, staring up the unconscious Selphie’s skirt. Hmmm… Zell paces around because he has some sort of hyperactivity disorder and can’t stand still. One by one, the dreamers come awake and stand up. Surprisingly, Zell has managed to figure out that the three of them had another Laguna dream. “Sir Laguna’s in BIG TROUBLE! I hope he’ll be ok…!!!” Selphie shrills. Yeah, me too. I really hope he’s okay and not fish food. That would be tragic and I’d have to kill myself.

Quistis realizes that the others have been through this before, and wonders just what in all hells is going on. Squally looks pointedly at Rinhoa, dreading explaining anything to her. Instead, he says, “We’ll just be wasting our time trying to figure it out.” Which is a surprisingly diplomatic way of saying “RINHOA IS DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB!!!!!!!!” Zell agrees that they should keep going, as he thinks they’re almost to Galbadia Garden. That’s exactly what Quistis said a half hour ago. I’m beginning to get the idea that they’re almost to Galbadia Garden. Maybe if all the other characters repeated it several times, my tiny brain might be able to process it.

But damned if they can’t just get on with this throwaway scene without shoving a Squally/Rinhoa moment up our asses nonconsensually. Rinhoa apologizes for being such a nagging beeyotch to him. I might actually think better of her if this wasn’t just an irritating non-apology so that Squally might do it with her. Either way, Squally doesn’t want to talk to her any more than he has to, so he does a kind of brush-off gesture with his hand. The less time he wastes with her, the more time he has to spend on his lurid shower room fantasy with Seifer.

Quistis did not lie — Galbadia Garden is just a short distance away. While Balamb Garden looks like a bowl of ice cream with a halo, Galbadia Garden looks like a red stadium with a halo. We get a throwaway FMV of the Garden, complete with hovering robotic suits that bring to mind a horrible crossover with the Xeno series. Shion and Rinhoa should never be in the same game. After about a bazillion of these suits are thrown in my face, I start to get the idea that the game designers wanted to emphasize the differences between Galbadia and Balamb Gardens. I think my microscopic brain is starting to get it.

The camera swings crazily back to the entrance where our party members await. The same types of random students infest this Garden as well, only the girls have red neckerchiefs instead of yellow. And, of course, there are no SeeDs. BUT THERE ARE ROBOTS!!!! Inside the excessively ornate front lobby, a random NPC student mentions a rumor regarding the sorceress and her intention to control Galbadia Garden. File that away in your memory banks. Another student mentions that he’s “only seen [the sorceress] in textbooks.” So this particular sorceress is famous and/or old enough to appear in textbooks, but no one in my party seems to have any specific knowledge of her? Well, I guess that’s not too surprising for high-school-aged students. Never mind.

The party approaches the admission gates which look identical to the ones at Garden, right down to the “in” and “out” labels (fill in your own Squally/Seifer joke here). “Wow… Completely different…” Selphie dumbasses. Zell and Rinhoa suddenly walk up. Zell mentions the quietness of the place, causing Squally to say that he likes it. Rinhoa giggles like an idiot — oh, that Squally is so amusing because he likes peace and quiet instead of jibber-jabbering morons, hee hee!

Quistis is the last to approach. “Could you leave this one up to me? I’ve been here several times, and I know the headmaster pretty well,” she casually mentions. I see. I guess we also know why she became an instructor at such a young age. “I’ll go and sex up the headmaster so he’ll help us,” Quistis basically says, leaving the group and heading into the Garden. Shit, now I have to replace her in my party. Zell it is! Squally and the others leave Rinhoa standing all by herself and go off to explore. Not each other — Selphie is there.

Some random text appears, most likely a voice over the intercom. It tells the “SeeD party from Balamb Garden” to go to the [2F reception room]. Oh no, you don’t. It’s time to talk to everyone in the entire Garden! You never know when that obscure NPC is going to have the exact bit of information that will help me get the ultimate item. I kill me. Or when I’ll need to know the layout of the entire Garden, which actually is a more pressing matter.

During the entire exploration, the voice repeatedly sounds over the intercom with the exact same message. Without voice acting, I can’t say for sure, but I imagine the person is getting more and more ticked off at those lollygagging SeeDs. Not as ticked off as I am at that stupid message appearing on my screen every several seconds. Shut up, already. The three traipse through empty classrooms, a skating rink, some outdoor tennis courts or something, an upstairs auditorium, a restricted elevator, and more hallways. I cannot stress the hallways enough. The only pertinent information comes from a token handicapped Garden student who has heard that the sorceress can brainwash people. Which could definitely explain why Squally ends up with Rinhoa. Okay, that’s my new fanwanky theory. But I’m getting many hours ahead of myself.

There’s also a group of students doing pushups in the hallway. Yes, the hallway. It’s a school to train military students, and they can’t manage to find a fucking gym. Anyway, their drill instructor or whoever trots back and forth, checking out his hot male students. Squally decides he likes it here. Upon talking to one of the guys doing pushups (though not pushups on his back), the guy mentions that there’s one thing he likes about doing them. On cue, a female student with the short skirt strolls by just in time for the guy to get an eyeful of panties. Christ. And she doesn’t even notice. In your dreams, game designers. Squally feels a sting of disappointment. Maybe this isn’t the place for him after all.

Another wheelchair guy — maybe the same guy, or maybe there are a lot of disabled Garden students in Galbadia — explains how Galbadia is the major power of the west, though the Garden is neutral. Also good to know, sort of. At last the trio heads into the God damn reception room. Are you happy, random disembodied voice? The camera view switches to the empty room as the party files in, led by Rinhoa. Who wasn’t anywhere to be seen outside the door. Whatever, game designers.