After a few moments of awkward silence, Karate Man tries to kick-start the conversation again: “Who is that Dragoon?” Cecilia replies, “Kain who used to be my best friend”, with all the grief and emotional turmoil of a ten year old who had an argument with their best friend in the schoolyard. With this memorable scene over, we fade out. When we return, the party is huddled around the bedside of King Fabul (something tells me their presence isn’t going to speed up his recovery). The King duly hands Cecilia a sword left by a Dark Knight who visited Fabul long ago, then agrees to provide the group with a ship. “If Golbez acquires them all, the world will face an unprecedented crisis!” he finishes, but, since he doesn’t actually mention Crystals, the overall impression of his speech is that Golbez is seeking out all the ships in the world in order to conquer it. Yet another triumph for the localization team, huh?
Last I heard, karate skills couldn’t heal mortal wounds.
Ship in hand (not literally, obviously) all that remains is for the team to make like trees and get the fuck out of Fabul…but first, I have Cecilia make a short detour to the castle’s tavern, where we find Fabul’s resident dancer, ready and waiting to shake her pixellated stuff. What follows, however, is something so surreal I’m not sure I can adequately describe it. Upon being addressed by Cecilia, the dancer (who had been facing the wall) turns around and whips off ‘her’ dress and red wig to reveal a muscle-bound generic monk clone. Now, the cross-dressing isn’t all that shocking (this is a JRPG, after all), but, not content with making Cecilia’s eyes pop out of his head, the dancer leaps onto the bar, twirls and jumps around a few times (making Karate Man-esque sneezing sounds all the while), before jumping back into the corner and putting his dress back on. The FF victory fanfare is blaring throughout the entire spectacle. Honestly, I don’t think my description gives the scene justice. It is without a doubt one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen in a videogame. Believe me, that’s saying something. As freaked out as I am, Cecilia high-tails it out of the bar before any of the other monks can give him a similar surprise.
If fucking Rinosa is someone you aspire to be, you’re seriously low-down on the scale of life.
Cecilia somehow gets lost and ends up in the infirmary, where the delightful Namingway is holed up in bed. Unfortunately, since Rinosa is tied up with the first of what will no doubt be many kidnappings, I still can’t officially modify her moniker. I can, however, change Karate Man’s default name…but since the dumb letter limit hates me, I have to settle for ‘KaMan’ instead. Oh, it’ll do. Upstairs, I find KaMan’s wife, a feisty woman with the creative name of…um…’KaMan’s Wife’. She and KaMan have a mini moment, before KaManWife reveals that even she did her bit during the battle — a soldier came into the room, but she hit him with her frying pan. Um, yeah, go girl. King Wanker is surely quaking in his boots to know that the opposition breeds such fearsome warriors. Interestingly, it appears KaMan and his lovely wife have separate beds, unless they have a secret kid away at university or something.
With every possible nook and cranny of Fabul explored and looted for items, the party leaves for the World Map and boards the ship patiently waiting in the harbour. KaManWife is also there (how the hell did she get here first? Maybe her Frying Pan of Doom also has a warp function), waiting to see her husband off. During this scene, KaMan refers to her as “madam”, for some reason. So, they sleep in separate beds, yet also appear to have some kind of dominatrix thing going on. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Suffice to say, I really don’t want to know what else they get up to with that frying pan.
Farewells over, the ship sets sail at near-light speed. The party discusses what to do once they reach Baron (um, isn’t this something they should have discussed before leaving?), and Cecilia decides that tracking down Cid “The Master Engineer” is the best course of action. But since this is an RPG, things are never that simple. No, instead of simply sailing to Baron, locating Cid and rescuing Rinosa, we’re going to have to spend an hour on another contrived mission, freshly plucked from a game designer’s arse. And saving Rinosa isn’t even the main objective of the plot. As the layers of fetch-quests and sub-missions keep building up, it becomes increasingly apparent that the main plot could probably be wrapped up nicely within an hour or two. I swear, this game’s like a lasagne of filler. OK, OK, I know this particular sidetrack does actually affect the plot, but it’s still annoying.
By Jove, it’s the Loch Ness Monster!
Okay, onto the aforementioned mission. As the ship sails onward to Baron, the ocean suddenly begins to churn. A huge whirlpool opens up, out of which rises a…large tentacle. We cut to the deck, where various crewmembers run around screaming about “Leviathan” and “The Master of the Seas”. Sadly, in this game, Leviathan isn’t just going to offer himself up to Gyftyd in admiration of her Mad Summoning Skillz — no, this time he’s hungry. And craving wood. As the full form of Leviathan appears, the ship rocks and Gyftyd falls overboard. Holy shit, the elements have something against her. All we need now is for Wind and Earth to maim her in some way, and she’ll have the full set. As Gyftyd screams for help, KaMan re-reads the script and remembers he’s supposed to be the heroic one, before diving into the murky waters after her. Edward, of course, does nothing. And there I was, hoping he’d also take a dive and be weighed down by his robes. Before Cecilia can throw him overboard anyway, the ship shakes some more and we cut to World Map Cam. Leviathan, growing impatient, starts to draw the ship towards him. Due to the graphical limits, however, the ship merely seems to disappear behind the whirlpool. Maybe it’s a doorway to another dimension, where party members aren’t useless wankers and the plot has an ounce of originality.
You’re also FREE! Free from wank! BE HAPPY!
A short time after the ship becomes Sea Master food, Cecilia wakes up, alone, on a deserted beach. But what of his comrades? Surely not…? Yes. They’re DEAD. Deceased. That’s it, gone, finished, dead, done, dot com, that’s your lot. They will never be seen again. KaMan valiantly gave his life in an attempt to save his friends, Edward’s astronomic-level suckiness finally proved to be his undoing, and Gyftyd certainly wasn’t just removed from the party so that she could return later, a few years older, in order to make certain fanboys feel slightly less guilty about fapping over her. Nope, these guys are as dead as doornails. For some inexplicable reason (I think he may have knocked his head when the ship went down), Cecilia seems to be distraught about this development. But guess what? I’m not. No, I’m almost singing from the rooftops right about now. BECAUSE EDWARD IS DEAD! HE WILL PLAGUE ME NO LONGER! Oh, game designers, my faith in you is restored. If it were biologically possible, I’d consider having your babies in return for this. Given that in any other circumstance I’d rather chew off my own limbs than raise a kid, I’d consider this a pretty big deal.
Conveniently, Cecilia washed up mere pixels away from a town, so he has precious little time to mope. I, however, have all the time in the world to REJOICE, for Edward is NO MORE! Alright, alright, I’ll calm down now. Wandering into the town, Cecilia is a little perturbed to discover that it’s crawling with mages. This can only mean one thing — he’s stepped right into Magical Mysidia, the town of mages from whom he and the Red Wings stole the Water Crystal back in Part 1. Safe to say, this is not the ideal place for him to wash up. To hell with it, I think. Surely these good mages can let bygones be bygones. Oh, how little I know. Kick-starting my latest Talk To Everyone duties, I make Cecilia address a cute little black mage wandering aimlessly near the town’s entrance. To my surprise, rather than offer snippets of redundant information or spit out something so badly-translated I can’t understand it (as NPCs in this game are wont to do), he recognises Cecilia, yells something about avenging his friend, and promptly turns everyone’s favourite Dark Knight into a frog. Well, that’s a little uncalled for. Since I have no items to cure this condition (after all, who walks into a town expecting to be transformed into a toad?) I spend the better part of ten minutes frantically rushing around town trying to find some way to return Cecilia to his natural state. Not that I necessarily have any problem with him being turned into an animal — indeed, under any other circumstance I would probably find such an event funny — but come on. A lone frog battling against an entire group of monsters probably wouldn’t constitute the longest fight in the world, and I don’t particularly enjoy seeing the Game Over screen. It isn’t until I speak to everyone else in town, my efforts fruitless, that I track down the original cranky mage in desperation, only to have him reverse the spell. God damn it, I’ll never get those ten minutes of my life back. I hate this town.
None of the other magicians in town are too happy to come face to face with the man who killed their friends and stole their Crystal, so I head to the Inn, figuring that it’s the one place Cecilia will be safe from crazed sorcerors who read the Harry Potter Transfiguration class scenes too many times. Ah, look, there’s the latest Disturbing Dancer — I’m sure she at least will help Cecilia out. Instead of dancing, however, she levitates around the room (it’s a town of sorcery, get it?) before making the screen turn pink and hypnotizing Cecilia. The poor guy falls asleep, and before he knows it, is taken to a grassy area on the outskirts of town. When he wakes up, he discovers he has only an elderly female mage for company. This doesn’t bode well, considering how all the other mages in this fucking place treat their visitors. And, whaddayaknow, this mage turns Cecilia into a pig, before scuttling into the bushes and cackling like a lunatic. I decide to return to the Inn; after all, a good night’s sleep is usually enough to cure a myriad status effects. Unfortunately, I mistakenly talk to the bartender, whose idea of help is to give Cecilia a drink laced with poison. FUCKING. HATE. THIS. PLACE. Right now, I’m wishing ol’ Leviathan would broaden his culinary horizons by developing an appetite for, say, entire towns populated by magic-happy sadists.
Oh well, we should make the best of a bad situation. Anyone for bacon?
Now a Poisoned Pig, Cecilia’s future is looking grim. My only hope is that the sadistic bastards in this town see him wandering around, decide that they fancy sausages for supper, and subsequently poison themselves on his infected meat. Ew, that sounded wrong. After ridding himself of poison and pork, Cecilia contemplates what to do next. He discovers that the town Elder resides in the strangely-named ‘House of Wishes’ in the North end of town. Even though the Elder, like everyone else in this God-forsaken place, probably hates his guts, he doesn’t know what else to do. That, and the fact that I know he has to speak to the Elder in order to receive his new objective. Chez Wishes, Cecilia prepares to grovel. A lot. The Elder is understandably wary of him, and so Cecilia attempts to force out an apology. The best he can come up with, though, is that he “could not disobey the King”. Until an innocent chyyyuld got involved, that is. He goes on to fill the Elder in on the whole sorry story, and states that his new purpose in life is to stop Golbez and get Rinosa back. Because it’s ALL ABOUT HER. I need a drink.
Surprisingly, the Elder actually listens to — and believes — him. But, he reveals, Cecilia will be unable to fight true evil while he still calls himself a Dark Knight. His only hope, apparently, is to travel to the nearby Mt. Ordeals (never has a dungeon name been so apt) where he’ll become a Paladin, bestowed with the power of light and gayness goodness. Only then will he stand a chance of defeating one as evil as Golbez. Cecilia’s good to go, but the Elder tactfully declares he’ll be dead meat if he tries to climb Mt. Ordeals alone. No, some wizards will accompany him. If they’re anything like the ones I’ve met already, I’m not sure I want their assistance. Regardless, the Elder summons the no-doubt wise and powerful wizards. To Cecilia’s surprise, however, who should appear but two young children. Surely this is some mistake, he thinks to himself; There’s no way the Elder would entrust my safe passage to two kids who’ve barely finished toilet training. Oh, but there’s no mistake. The male of the twins snits “So you are that Baronian guy, aren’t you? I’m gonna help you, so thank me!” Rather than knock his head off, Cecilia once again questions the Elder’s decision to have these children accompany him (who’s babysitting who?). Unrelenting, the Elder simply advises him not to be deceived by their appearance; for through those pre-pubescent veins flows pure magic. Or something. Before her brother can make even more of a fool of himself, the girl-child steps forward and introduces herself to Cecilia in a very formal manner. Get it? She’s polite and mature, while her brother’s rude and obnoxious! Those game designers are so clever!
Before I continue — the kids, Palom (the brattish male) and Porom (the respectful female) will hereafter be referred to as Phil and Lil respectively, since I’m sick and tired of getting their irritatingly-similar names muddled up. The twins bicker some more before officially joining Cecilia — who is no doubt feeling like the World’s Unluckiest Man right now. I mean, losing one brat and getting two back? I probably shouldn’t bitch about this development too much, as these two (for some inexplicable reason and beyond all better judgement) are pretty much my favourite characters in this game. Granted, that’s like naming someone my favourite member of Al-Qaeda, but you get the point.
Unfortunately (or extremely fortunately, if you’re me) our little excursion to Mt. Ordeals must wait. But never fear! In the next action-packed episode of The New Babysitters’ Club, Cecilia undergoes a drastic makeover (those lilac highlights are to die for!), meets a returning character, and valiantly attempts to rescue Rinosa. Uh, on second thought, don’t get too excited about the last part.