But now Edward’s started, he won’t shut up. “I lost my parents and beloved friend…” he whines, careful not to provoke his former bedfellow’s jealousy by referring to Anna as his fiancee. Yeah, I know it’s most likely another translation casualty, but they’re getting so old-hat now, to the point where I consider it a big deal to find a full text-box of dialogue without any discernible errors. After attending Edward’s mini pity-party, the King is finally motivated to ask for the party’s assistance in defending the Crystal. Yeah, because all of your monks and soldiers would simply be useless without the invaluable aid of a single knight, a six year-old, a Swoon-prone healer and a harp-wielding hermaphrodite. I have half a mind to deny his request, but quickly select ‘Yes’ through fear of having to suffer through that scene again.
To my surprise, the King politely asks Gyftyd and Rinosa to “take the office of relief”, or, in lay terms, “get your asses into the infirmary, you useless twats. The other jokers in your group are liability enough without us having to deal with you two being knocked out every five seconds.” Normally, I’d accuse the King of sexism in this case, but…well, he’s right about these two. Knowing what I do of their battle prowess, Rinosa would probably spend half her time healing the enemy by mistake, while Gyftyd would be one-shotted by a random Baron soldier while her Chocobo summon waited approximately 3.5 minutes to charge. Not that I’m bitter about having them in my party, or anything.
Loading ...After exchanging goodbyes (Rinosa is noticeably more sincere than her supposed love interest while doing this), Cecilia leaves his beard and adopted daughter and joins Karate Man and Edward on the battlefield. Which is, uh, at the castle gates, in an area roughly large enough to swing a cat around in. Things are going to be a little cramped. Despite the ludicrous lack of space, the Fabul forces (comprising solely of Cecilia, Edward and Karate Man) slay the first wave of Baron soldiers with little effort. But of course, Baron has an unfair advantage — the Red & Yellow Wings. A huge salvo from above peppers the castle with explosions. Remarkably, the bombs result in no visible damage to the castle or anyone in it, but Karate Man still calls for a retreat.
The party regroups inside the castle, where Karate Man apologises for dragging Cecilia and his friends into “a hopeless war”. Quit your whining and show off some of those Karate skills you’re so proficient in, and maybe the war wouldn’t be so hopeless. Before Edward and Karate Man can swap Pity-Party tips, the second wave of the Baron forces breaks down the door. Instead of soldiers, however, this time the party must face ‘WaterHags’ and goblins. Hmm, looks like King Wanker needs to kick-start a major recruitment campaign, or pretty soon the Baron army will be made up entirely of low-level monsters, and Golbez can kiss his Crystal obsession goodbye. Despite the relative ease of the monsters, this battle takes far longer than it should, probably due to the overall wanky quality of the people on my side of the fight. Incidentally, until recently I thought Edward’s only redeeming factor was his handy healing skill. “Hey!” I said to myself, “I can heal without using MP! Sweet!” That was until I found myself completely out of Potions (sorry, Cure1s) with no explanation as to how the 30 I’d bought five minutes ago had vanished into the ether. Yes, Edward’s supposedly-useful ‘ability’ is taking Potions from the party’s stock and making them less effective than they already were. God damn it, the man/woman is USELESS. He serves less purpose than a steak knife at a vegan banquet. He’s less effective than a cardboard sword. If one were to stack the characters of this game on a ladder, in order of usefulness, he wouldn’t even be on the bottom rung — he’d be the crusty, whitening dog shit on the ground below. He needs to die.
…And breathe. Sorry, my umbrage towards fictional characters just takes over at times. In fact, I think I’ll go write an angry fanfic in which Edward is killed and resurrected several times over, before being dumped into a pit of Tiduses. Speaking of Tidus, I’m definitely experiencing the TSR (Tidus, Shion and Rinoa) effect here. With any luck, the next deployment of Baron missiles will home in on the useless lump and eradicate him.
I’ve heard of close-quarters combat, but this is ridiculous.
Edward doesn’t even get the chance to fix his hair before the next group of enemies storms the hall. As two of the generic blue-robed monster sprites slaughter the monks guarding the Inn and Weapons shop, their comrades — all three of them — surround Cecilia’s party. Even though the number of ally sprites outnumbers those of the enemies at more than 2-to-1, Karate Man deduces that they “must withdraw”. Ever the optimist, huh? Unsurprisingly, Edward is first through the door as the party needlessly retreats. But their ordeal isn’t over yet. Unrelenting, the Baron forces follow them towards the throne room. Karate Man, who, less than ten seconds ago ordered a retreat, yells “Smash ’em!” Make your fucking mind up already. Little wonder that Fabul is all but lost, what with this indecisive meathead in charge. Still more fighting ensues, as yet another group of enemies floods into the room. “We can’t hold here any longer!” Edward shrieks, moving back towards the safety of the throne room. I wonder if a viable strategy would be to throw Edward into the fray, then slaughter the enemies as they fight over who gets to kill him. Then kill Edward afterwards, just for the hell of it.
Regrouping in the deserted throne room, Karate Man orders the lone generic monk in the room to lock the door. As he does this, Cecilia learns from Karate Man that the oh-so-coveted Crystal is hidden upstairs. Hearing this, Generic Monk swiftly unlocks the door again, allowing the enemies to flood into the room. Yup, Generic Monk is actually an enemy in disguise. Surprisingly, I genuinely didn’t see that coming. After the party dispatches the traitorous traitor, yet more Baron troops enter the fray. This is getting really old. There are only so many different ways one can type “The party beats the enemies. Then more enemies arrive” before the whole thing turns into one gigantic wave of deja vu.
YES!
After the 29741253rd legion of Baron troops have been sent to the big airship in the sky, Karate Man calls a retreat to the Crystal chamber. As he and Cecilia make for the door, Edward trips over his robes and falls flat on his face — just in time for the next pair of enemies to enter the room and attack him. Gods, YES. This is it, the moment I’ve been waiting for my whole life (slight exaggeration, but the sentiment’s still there). EDWARD’S GOING TO DIE!!! Game designers, I take back everything I said — all that repetition, all those countless, pointless battles with enemy clones, everything was worth it, just for this one, exquisite moment. Excuse me for just a minute, readers — I want to soak this up.
…Wait, WHAT?! He’s still alive? Karate Man and Cecilia saved him? WHY? Guys, this was your chance and mine to be rid of him forever! GRRRRR. HATE. Oh, okay, I guess I should put my personal hatred aside and continue with the recap. Cecilia, Karate Man — yes, and Edward (*sob*) — head into the Crystal room, all set to defend the Shiny To End All Shinies. In all honesty, I couldn’t give a Malboro’s ass what happens now — Golbez could swipe the Crystal, grind it into powder and snort it, for all I care. Edward is still breathing and the game designers have cruelly dashed my hopes and dreams. I think I’ll go and write a long-winded, angsty poem all about it and post it on my LiveJournal.
As if my nerves weren’t frayed enough, a face from the past makes his long-awaited (or maybe not) reappearance. TBBM marches into the Crystal room, gearing up for a show-stealing angsty showdown with his former butt-buddy best friend. The pair exchange the standard “It’s been a while” dialogue, before Cecilia — apparently having not picked up on the fact that TBBM is fighting in the Baron army — blurts out “Fight with us!” DURR. DUUURRR! God, he almost deserves to be cut down due to his sheer stupidity. Hearing this, TBBM is all “Yeah, we’ll fight. But against each other, bitch!” As gamers the world over try to come to terms with this shocking turn of events, the battle screen pops up, where, interestingly, TBBM is referred to only as ‘Dragoon’. Just to make sure Cecilia actually grasps the fact that they’re now enemies, TBBM jumps on his head. I think that may have been too subtle a hint, to be frank. Just look at the level of intelligence we’re dealing with here.
OMG THEIR LUV IS SO TRAGIC!!
Before Cecilia can act, TBBM dive-bombs his head a couple more times for good measure. His HP all but spent, Cec slumps to the floor. “Got you!” TBBM cries. Never let it be said that this game doesn’t have moving, well-written dialogue. Back to regular gameplay mode, where Cecilia finally works out that TBBM is working for Golbez. Or, in Cecilia’s own words: “You are under Golbez’s…” I’ll let you readers imagine what comes next. In my sick mind, it ain’t ‘command’. TBBM replies that he’s going to put his former friend out of his misery (and mine), but…well, just look at the screenshot. I’m not saying a word.
Sprite buttsex!
Before TBBM can impale Cecilia on his lance (and yes, I meant that literally), the cavalry comes to the rescue. If, of course, ‘cavalry’ can be defined as ‘a six year old girl and a stick-limbed white mage’. Yes, Rinosa and Gyftyd are here to save the day. I personally can’t wait to see this — what are they going to do, whine him to death? Actually, that isn’t too far from the truth. When Rinosa confronts TBBM, he screams “Don’t look at me!” and turns away, obviously embarassed that Cecilia’s beard came within a whisker of catching them in the act. “Why so upset, [TBBM]?” Rinosa bitches. Before she can enter full nagging mode, however, she’s interrupted by the appearance of a tall, blue stranger. I won’t beat around the bush — it’s the mysterious Golbez. And, well…after all the hype, he doesn’t look all that special. He’s like the human form of blandness in a blue cape and horned helmet. At this point, I could make a lame joke about TBBM being attracted to Golbez’s helmet, but I won’t. Cecilia, sharp as a razor, cries “You’re Golbez!” “And you are my brother [Cecilia]…nice to meet you,” Golbez mutters, eyeing up the man whose sloppy seconds he’s now ‘commanding’. Satisfied that Cecilia is nothing special, Golbez states his true objective — taking the Crystal. Karate Man and Edward, who are guarding said Crystal, are swiftly taken down by a lightning bolt from Golbez’s fingertips. Rather than being knocked down, however, they appear to jump through the air when hit. Ah, gotta love sprite graphics.
Even though the Crystal is now within reach, Golbez doesn’t lower himself to take it himself — instead, he instructs TBBM to do it. Seeing this, Rinosa rushes forward in a final attempt to stop TBBM from succumbing to EEEVIL, only to be snatched by Golbez. The villainous villain swiftly spirits her away into the depths of his robes before making an exit, closely followed by TBBM and the Crystal. Hmm, I’m rid of Rinosa (at least temporarily), so I guess things aren’t all bad. Staying positive, maybe that lightning bolt eradicated the ‘useless wanker’ part of Edward’s brain, rendering him a more useful and altogether less annoying character. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Game designers aren’t that benevolent. Showing herself to be the only character in this scene with initiative, Gyftyd casts Cure on her various fallen comrades (yes, even Edward. Why?!), and before you can say “Shit, this day has gone from bad to worse, hasn’t it?” everyone’s as right as rain again. As tinkly, tragic music plays, the party stares at the ground, reflecting on their loss. Of the Crystal, I mean. Come on, Rinosa’s gonna be as badly missed as Saddam Hussein.
At the Inn, the party brainstorms (and what a meeting of minds this is going to be; we could be here for quite some time) and tries to figure out how to rescue Rinosa. No mention of the Crystal, mind — no, all these dolts care about is Rinosa. Knowing this series, she could well turn out to have some soopah-secret, all-destructive power that would render the power of the Crystals irrelevant anyway, so I guess I’m not giving them enough credit. Cecilia decudes that they need an airship to get to Baron, but, as bad luck would have it, Baron is the only nation to even have airships. Oops. Karate Man wonders if there’s a way they could simply sneak into the kingdom, prompting Cecilia to reveal that “Baron’s main force is the Red Wings. The Sea Power is relatively weak.” By ‘Sea Power’, I assume the translators meant ‘navy’, but couldn’t find the right word, for whatever reason. Karate Man declares that he’ll ask King Fabul for a boat in order for them to sail into Baron. Hmm, why do I get the feeling this voyage isn’t going to go as smoothly as everyone would expect? Call it Recapper’s Intuition.