I think that quake destroyed the laws of grammar.

Cecilia wakes some time later in the middle of a meadow, the crazy summoner girl knocked out cold a short distance away. TBBM is nowhere to be seen. After a few moments of disorientation, Cecilia screams for his intended bitch (while violating the laws of grammar with a 12-inch buttplug, no less) before declaring to nobody in particular: “I can’t stay here any longer. I have to escape from Baron with this girl”. And with that, he walks into her unconscious body, which duly disappears. You know, sprite graphics never fail to amuse me. After a quick visit by the Black Screen God, we’re back on the world map, a considerable distance away from Mist – on the other side of an entire mountain range, in fact. I think we’re supposed to believe that the earthquake catapulted Cecilia and the girl (whose name, Rydia, I’m now going to use, since I’m sick to death of playing dumb about it) several miles away – now, I’m no seismologist, but that seems about as likely as Tidus having sex. Whatever, this incident is merely the foreword of the bestselling Nothing In This Game Makes Sense, so I’ll drop it.

Fortunately, the desert town of Kaipo lies a short distance to the North, and since there are no other locations in the immediate area, I figure it’s probably wise to check it out. Once inside the town, Cecilia immediately deduces that Rydia needs to rest. I would imagine that the hour-or-so she spent unconscious after the Incredible Teleporting Earthquake would have allowed her to rest up sufficiently, being equivalent to an afternoon nap, but hey, growing kids get tired easily. Carrying his new ball-and-chain to the inn (and so soon after shaking Rinosa off his leg, too), Cecilia is astonished to encounter a particularly kind and generous innkeeper, who insists that the poor chyyyuld be allowed to recuperate free of charge. Putting Rydia to bed (get your minds out of the gutter), Cecilia asks if she’s okay. Her response is to turn to face the wall and let out a string of ellipsis, which, as we should all know by now, denotes silence. Bratty silence. Cecilia remarks that he doesn’t know Rydia’s name yet, but, rather than giving him her name and praying he’ll shut the fuck up and let her sleep, Rydia retorts with another series of ellipsis. Man, there’s no shutting this kid up.

Instead of obtaining a clue and realising that her stony silence might, just might, indicate that Cecilia isn’t her favourite person in the world right now, he continues his crusade to turn his monologue into an actual conversation; in what I imagine to be his best sincere voice, Cecilia acknowledges that he and TBBM did a terrible thing to Rydia and her family (which, to be fair, wasn’t exactly intentional), and pleads for her forgiveness. No luck. Finally resigning himself to the fact that this girl hates his guts, Cecilia climbs into bed (the other bed) as a blue tint saturates the screen night falls. However, Rydia and Cecilia have barely started to count their sheep when the inn door crashes open and a legion of Baron soldiers storms the building. They draw their swords, slay the Useless Twosome, and deposit their loathsome corpses at the bottom of the nearest lake. The End.

…If only. In reality, the soldiers simply suffer a mild fit of exposition. “His Majesty decided that the Callers of Mist are too dangerous to be left alive!” the group’s leader reveals. What with the battering my head has been receiving from the Plot Point Mallet thus far, I’m fully expecting him to continue with “That’s why he gave you that Package full of Bombs! So that you would blow them all up! Bwahahaha!” Instead, he drags Cecilia into a battle, which is settled within two rounds of combat, even with the massive three-on-one handicap (Rydia doesn’t participate in this battle, which is probably a good thing if her last attempt at summoning — sorry, Calling — was anything to go by). After vanquishing his foes, Cecilia turns once again to Rydia, possibly attempting to coax more ellipsis out of her. Meanwhile, my will to live makes a hasty retreat. But wait! Much to Cecilia’s surprise (and mine, if I’m being honest), Rydia actually speaks! And there was me, thinking we’d have another Lassie on our hands. Rydia sheepishly asks Cecilia if she’s gotten him into trouble. No, sweetie, of course not. You know that whole fight-to-the-death thing ten seconds ago? It’s just an old army tradition between Cecilia and his pals. They need to do something to unwind besides sleeping with each other, you know.

Cecilia apologizes yet again for the near-genocide of the Callers (which, once again, wasn’t his fault), but now that he’s saved Rydia’s ass, she’s willing to forgive him. She finally gives her name as her theme song kicks in. It’s a nice piece of music. There, I said it. With that, Rydia officially joins the party. Woohoo, my battle prowess has surely just doubled, what with Rydia’s leet Lv 1 status and her single ‘Chocb’ spell. Monsters, tremble with fear, for the Last Caller’s comin’ for you. While we’re on the subject of this ‘Last Caller’ thing, something just hit me. Rydia is (apparently) the last of a mysterious race, she can communicate with ancient and powerful beings, has magical powers, and appears to be of higher intelligence than most in her age group. In short, if her dear old ma were still around (and such a new-age concept existed in the FF world), she’d totally be hailing Rydia as an <ahref=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigo_Children”>Indigo Child. In light of this, I decide to pay homage to the wonderful kre8iv naming methods favoured by many parents today. The undoubtedly gifted Rydia shall henceforth be known as just that – Gyftyd. Of course, if Rydia were real, her full name would probably be something like Gyftyd Destinee Nevaeh, but I really don’t care to type all of that every time I refer to her. Incidentally, I know that these last few paragraphs will only be amusing to a small percentage of VGR’s demographic, but since I’m a part of that small percentage, I don’t care.

Wait, where in the desert are they perched?

Next morning, Gyftyd and Cecilia decide that the best way to get to know each other is to take a leisurely stroll around town and Talk to Everyone. The first NPC the duo encounters excitedly informs them that “Someone picked up a sick girl from Baron falling down”. O rly? I bet it isn’t anyone we know. Before dealing with this undoubtedly random and inconsequential turn of events, Cecilia and Gyftyd decide to finish their tour of the town. Stopping off at Kaipo’s n00b School, they learn a bunch of helpful hints (which they totally didn’t already know) before speaking to a gaudily-dressed young chap in the corner for no reason in particular. The man, Namingway, reveals he can change a character’s name at the press of a button. Naturally, I opt to officially grant our heroes their new nicknames, but am thwarted by a limitation on the number of characters in a name; unless Cecilia wishes to be called ‘Cecili’ for the remainder of the game, his in-game name must remain Cecil. Gyfted, however, is allowed to retain her new moniker. With that thrilling escapade out of the way, we continue our exploration of this desert oasis.

Riiiiight.

Suddenly, Cecilia’s interest is piqued.

There is little else to see in town, aside from another exotic dancer (who Cecilia certainly isn’t anxious to see), so he heads for an inconspicuous little house in the corner of the town. Inside, the female owner of the house reveals that the sick stranger from Baron is being kept here. Curious, Cecilia and Gyfted make their way to the backroom of the house. And, whaddaya know, the sick person turns out to be…wait. Just try to guess. Go on, you’ll never do it. This development is completely unexpected, and surely the most earth-shattering plot twist in videogame history. Still can’t guess? Okay, it’s…wait for it…totally Rinosa. I’ll pause for a moment while you all pick yourselves up off the floor and pour yourselves a stiff drink to get over the shock.

Yes, lying on her near-deathbed, sick yet serene, pallid yet strikingly beautiful, her hair matted with sweat yet still shimmering and flaxen, is Cecilia’s beard. Fuck, the bitch still chains him down even when half-dead. This just adds weight to my theory that lead RPG females can’t even go to buy a loaf of bread without being injured, kidnapped, killed or imbued with a magical power of mass destruction. At this point, however, I’m just thankful that Rinosa only meets the first of those requirements; anything else would have resulted in more wankst than I’m willing to endure at this time of night (2:28 AM, in case you were wondering. Go insomnia!).

Feverish, Rinosa does nothing but repeat “Mmm…Cecilia…Cecilia, don’t leave me!” over and over again. The elderly man watching over her is a little more helpful, claiming that her mysterious illness can only be cured by something called the ‘SandRuby’, which, it just so happens, currently lies in the lair of the ferocious Antlion. Oh well, I’m sure some brave passing warrior will retrieve the Ruby sooner or later. In the meantime, Rinosa will just have to hang on in there. Cecilia and Gyfted have more important things to do. Besides, a wise old NPC once told me (five minutes ago, to be precise) that only Damcyan royalty are permitted to enter the Antlion Cave, so it looks like poor Rinosa will be fever-wracked for a while yet. Sucks to be her! …Oh, who the hell am I kidding? We’re so Damcyan-bound.

After replenishing their stock of items, Cecilia and Gyfted leave Kaipo and head straight for the only other location in the vicinity — the Watery Pass. Our heroes haven’t even taken five steps into the dank cavern before they’re ambushed by a group of demon toads, one of whom immediately turns Gyftyd into a frog. Before Cecilia can dose her with the appropriate healing item, however, another of the vile toads hits her for 74 HP, which is enough to kill her…I mean, give her the ‘Swoon’ status. Mustn’t upset the kiddies with fictional representations of death! They could be scarred for life! Cecilia manages to slay the monsters, but with Gyftyd dead — ‘Swooning’, that is — he figures he’ll be at a distinct disadvantage for the remainder of his trek through the pass. Sure, at her age and level, Gyftyd could probably be beaten in a fight by a one-legged housespider, but at the very least she has a Cure spell, which could very well save Cecilia’s ass sometime in the future. No matter, he can simply use a ‘Life’ on her, and in a matter of seconds all will be fine and dandy again. Or rather, it would be if Cecilia actually had any of the aforementioned item in his inventory. Which he, uh, doesn’t. At this point, I find myself royally screwed; I don’t want to proceed with Gyftyd dead knocked out, lest Cecilia be set upon by another group of angry demon toads and have the same fate befall him, nor do I wish to head back to Kaipo, wasting another five minutes of my life in the process. Aha, maybe this eccentric-looking old man barring the path ahead will be able to help.

Ah, I love it when a nickname fits perfectly.

Before Cecilia can even open his mouth, the old man starts to yell at him: “What? You wield the Dark Sword? Help me, I beg you!” Cecilia’s all “WTF?”, while Crazy McPensioner continues his babbling, revealing that a spoony wicked bard abducted his daughter and took her to Damcyan. He also adds that he senses a great evil there. Armed with this information, Cecilia is able to deduce that the crazy old guy “must be Sage Tellah”. Um, who? And, for that matter, how the fuck does Cecilia know that this guy is indeed Tellah, whoever he may be, when he’s never been mentioned before and we’re given no reason to believe that Cecilia knew who the hell he was previously? This is lazy writing of the highest order, although I suspect the rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth fanboys would have us believe that it’s all part of the game’s charm.

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The old man confirms that yes, he is Tellah, and he intends to travel to Damcyan to find his daughter Anna and bring her back home. However, there’s a dangerous monster — and really, is there any other kind? — blocking the way. Cecilia, being a hero-in-the-making, agrees to help Tellah to Damcyan. Hey, he figures, it gives him an opportunity to spend a few more hours away from Rinosa’s sickbed. Tellah joins the party, I make quick use of his Life spell, Gyftyd recovers, and we’re good to go. Brushing aside my shame at having one of my characters die faint in the EasyType version of the game (what can I say? I suck. Who are you to judge me?!), I delve deeper into the cave.

Tellah proves to be a darn sight more useful in battle than either of his fellow party members, decimating the enemy ranks with his array of Black magic spells. If memory serves me correctly, in the other versions of the game, Tellah actually began the game with the entire range of spells, but couldn’t utilize the more powerful ones as he had ‘forgotten’ them. This could only be circumvented by using the risky Recall skill, which would allow him to cast a random spell from his extensive catalogue. This is one feature I’m actually glad was left out of this version; I mean, what’s the point in possessing an entire library of spells you can’t even use?

The party proceeds through the pass, only being hindered temporarily by the enticing sight of a lone treasure chest on a ledge on the other side of the underground river. After a split-second of intense deliberation, Cecilia wades into the water and across to the chest, which yields an IronRing. Yeah, I know, not exactly a brain-burster of a puzzle, but remember, this was the early Nineties; a simple block-on-switch puzzle could be considered revolutionary. A few screens later the party stumbles upon a welcome Save Point, surrounded by a field which, according to Tellah, will keep monsters at bay. Safe in the knowledge that they’re protected from any possible amphibious transformations, the group decides to settle down for a well-earned rest; to do this, they walk into Tellah and disappear. Maybe his robes are particularly roomy.

I sure hope it’s a big tent.

Fade out. A short time later, we see the party huddled around a pitiful log fire. Well, I guess it must be difficult to light a fire in a damp, waterlogged cavern. Gyftyd catches some z’s, while Tellah and Cecilia engage in some Deep Conversation, possibly building up to a confession of their innermost secrets. Or something. “Fast asleep…” Tellah remarks. “She must have been very tired. You said she was-” “A Caller of Mist,” Cecilia interrupts, showing a blatant disrespect for his elders. If there was any justice in the world, this would be the part where Tellah happened to Recall a supremely powerful spell — say, Meteor — and laid the smackdown on Cecilia’s ass. But alas, I’m forced to settle for more small-talk. Tellah seems surprised that Gyftyd is so…well, gifted (this is the second time in the past five minutes he has referred to her as such; if I had any doubt about entrusting her with the nickname I did, it’s long-gone now) and speculates that, if her power continues to grow, she’ll be able to wield magic as great as his. Only, you know, she’ll actually remember how to cast it. “How sweet!” he blurts out of the blue, “Just like Anna’s childhood.” Cecilia really wants to get some shut-eye, but he politely replies “Anna is your…” This time it’s Tellah who interrupts, finishing “Only daughter.” Is it just me, or do these guys seriously need some communication lessons? It seems they haven’t grasped the simple concept of allowing the other half of your conversation to actually finish their sentences.