“Maybe we can stay here?” Miss Piggy dumbasses as she and Alf enter the area. She continues that they still need to find someone to show them the way back to Wyndia, so decides to speak to the occupant/s of the tower. Actually reaching said occupant, however, is no easy task – the tower is rigged with various traps and annoying puzzles, such as using Miss Piggy’s [crack] magic on crystals (no, not crystals of that variety) to shut off lasers blocking passageways. Yeah, it’s absolutely riveting. There are several nice items to be nabbed by completing a certain minigame/puzzle outside the tower within a time limit, but I skip over it, as I really don’t want to stay in this god-forsaken place for a second longer than is required.
A random NPC standing outside the actual entrance to the tower remarks that “There’s a strange woman living here…a bookworm, yeah?” Yeah, because people who read books are total weirdos. The NPC warns Alf about the aforementioned traps, but Alf is determined to advance the plot, so bravely marches on anyway. After an upwards slog of random battles, Alf and Miss Piggy come across a convenient restroom, complete with save point and bookcases filled with information about machines and [crack], which I won’t go into here, as it’s boring and irrelevant. Basically, the reams of information boil down to this: many machines are powered by [crack]. Maybe that’s why the BoF world seems so fucked up? Anyway, after a quick rest, the dinky duo continue to make their way upstairs. I should mention that I fight several floating robot-type things along the way, which tremble and shake as though they need a new [crack] fix.
While walking down a particular hallway, Alf and Miss Piggy are surprised to hear a commotion coming from a nearby room. Suddenly a tiny pinkish-red robot waddles through the door and sweatdrops, as if to say “God, not again!” as beams of yellow light and explosions emanate from the room. The kyooooote little robot patiently waits for the explosion to die down before turning and waddling back into the room. Miss Piggy, as mystified as me, squeaks “What…what was that!?” before she and Alf go to investigate.
The little robot is in the room, along with a strange woman. The woman has two almost floor-length red braids, and is wearing some kind of blue scholar’s cap. A matching blue robe complements the strange headpiece, and there are long feather-like things protruding from near her ears. Or maybe they are actually her ears…it isn’t conveyed very clearly in the sprite graphics (nor is the fact that the woman is half-bunny). Yeah, she looks…interesting. But I won’t rag on her too much, as she’s kind of cute (not like that). Also, she’s the only playable character so far with an IQ exceeding single figures, which is a big plus. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.
The room is, to be blunt, a complete mess. Books, pieces of machinery and fragments of glass litter the floor and the strange woman’s work surface. A comical, jazzy tune is playing in the background as Momo (I’m sick of playing dumb about her goddamn name) ummms and ahhhhs over her experiment. “I guess the key lies in somehow stabilizing the pure [crack]…” she mutters. Ah, it’s that kind of “experiment”. As Crack Whore Momo continues to babble to herself, her strange, CUTE little robot assistant tries in vain to get her attention. Eventually, Momo turns around and sees Alf and Miss Piggy. “WHAT?!” she yells. See, she’s a semi-comic-relief character and she’s shouting because her ears are ringing from the explosion and it’s so fucking hilarious that I’m forgetting to laugh. “YOU!? YOU’RE FRIENDS OF HONEY?” she continues, not seeming to care that two complete strangers, and kids at that, are trespassing on her property. “NICE TO MEET YOU!” Momo shouts, as poor Honey (the cute little robot) covers her ears.
I SAID, ‘YOU LIVE IN ONE FUCKED-UP TOWER!!!’
Momo introduces herself, but when Miss Piggy tries to respond, Momo can’t hear her and begins to holler again. I really hope her ears aren’t going to be ringing for the entire game. Eventually, by shouting herself, Miss Piggy manages to introduce herself and Alf to Momo, and tells her of their plight. Can Momo possibly help them back to Wyndia? Why, of course she can! Her life and work are completely unimportant, so she can pack up and leave to help a pair of strange kids she’s never met before at the drop of a hat! I sure wish my job was like that. Well, apart from the “helping strange kids” part.
After some more inane conversation, Momo manages to pick up the fact that Miss Piggy is the princess of Wyndia. And starts fucking grovelling. Jeez, Momo, not even cockroaches should grovel to Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy reassures Momo, then Momo leaves, taking Honey (who was sweeping the floor) with her, to pack some things. After a quick session with the Black Screen of Passing Time, the party is ready to head out. Before leaving, Momo remarks that there are a couple of “rough-looking characters” loitering outside. Which can only mean one thing…the return of B&C! Oh no! We see said characters outside, and see that they are not, in fact, B&C, but a pair of random wankers sent by B&C. Whatever, the principle of “We’re coming to get you!” is still there.
We cut back to Momo’s lab, where she says “Hey, there’s no need to be afraid…I’ve been doing experiments…on [crack]…” Hmm, I’d say that’s a pretty good reason to be afraid. Momo continues that there are lots of monsters around to keep intruders out, as well as contribute to her research, and that there are lots of traps for protection. So, the party should be fine and dandy, then. Well, apart from surviving the attacks from the monsters and trying to get past the traps. But hey, no pain, no gain! As the party leaves, Momo continues that, since the bad guys are downstairs, the only way out is up. Alf and Miss Piggy have doubts, but Momo assures them that there’s a way out. I sincerely hope she’s right.
It doesn’t take long (the time it takes to enter the room next to Momo’s, in fact) for Alf to come across a square of panels and a locked door. Yes, you guessed it, more puzzles. And I thought poor Ryan had a hard time with the Wyndian Catacombs. I’m sure reading about said puzzles is less preferable to experiencing them first-hand, so I’ll just ignore them and move on. In the time it takes to ascend a few more floors and negotiate a few more puzzles, the party is forced into a kajillion random battles. Breaking the trend of weak female characters in BoF games, Momo is extremely useful in battle, if one defines “useful” as “MISSING EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ATTACK”. Gah. You’d think that her huge bazooka would give her at least some degree of accuracy. The infuriating thing is that, on the rare occasions when she does connect with her target, Momo has a great attack. It’s like the game designers are dangling a fucking carrot in front of me. What with “Can’t hit a buffalo within spitting distance” Momo and “20 HP damage on a good day” Miss Piggy, poor Alf is the only one actually dealing any noticeable damage during the all-too-frequent random battles. This, coupled with the annoying layout and numerous idiotic puzzles, may give you some idea as to why I hate this part of the game so much. Share my pain, won’t ya?
Loading ...Before I go on, I need to dwell on the “I hate hate hate this dungeon so much” thing for a bit longer. Namely, there are a few things confusing the hell out of me at the moment. Yeah, imagine that. Firstly, Momo’s statement about monsters to keep would-be interlopers at bay: the robot soldiers I can understand, but is she talking about the Ice Toads, Lizards and Orcs as well? If so, how did she manage to capture them and bring them into the building – with Pokéballs? And if the non-robotic monsters aren’t Momo’s, her numerous lovingly-constructed traps haven’t done their jobs very well. This, in turn, begs the question of why most of the said traps and puzzles, designed for the sole purpose of keeping intruders and monsters away from Momo, are located on the floors above her working and living areas. Surely it would have made more sense to place the traps on the lower floors? Oh, wait…sense. That’s practically a forbidden word in the world of RPGs, and, after a decade of playing these fucking games, I really should know by now that logic doesn’t enter into the equation, so let’s move on before I give myself a brain aneurysm.
Eventually, Alf, Miss Piggy and Momo reach the top of the tower – the room which belonged to Momo’s late father. Apparently, the tower’s hidden exit is located somewhere in this room. Miss Piggy asks as much, to which Momo replies enthusiastically “You bet! My dad was really something! He was the greatest engineer in the whole world! And before he died, he told me he’d made an escape device…and had hidden it in the tower!” As Momo pauses for breath, Alf and Miss Piggy both sweatdrop. Searching for the elusive escape device, Alf examines the many bookcases in the room, only to find, and I quote, “a bunch of dirty magazines” and “XXX: for age 21 and above only!” This, taking into consideration the sexual preferences of every other damn adult in this game, gives me no choice but to reach the conclusion that Momo’s daddy was a sick bastard with a stash of underage porn (DPC: 10). I’m scared and I want my mummy.
Run away yet again!!!!!!!
And again!!!!!!!!
Desperate to get away from the veritable porn library, Alf finds a switch under Momo’s dad’s desk and pushes it, which causes one of the porn bookcases to move, revealing a trapdoor in the floor, from which rises a fucking rocket. Yes, a rocket. Could this game get any weirder? “Wow! Only my dad could have made something like this!” Momo gushes as the rocket rises out of the ground. Well, given that the rocket resembles a giant brown phallus, I’m not sure I want her to elaborate on that. After some generic gosh-this-is-so-amazing dialogue, they all grab onto the rocket and Momo lights the fuse. The rocket then rises up, smashes straight through the roof of the tower, and plummets down to earth, embedding itself in a nearby field.
PENIS!!
Loading ...Cut to the wreckage of the rocket, where the party are all dazed and confused. The fact that none of them are injured, and the sheer number of things about the rocket scenario that MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE, bring this game to new levels of nonsense. But I won’t even try to pick it apart, as we’ve all suffered enough in this recap. “Looks like…the landings…need a little work…” Momo grunts. You can say that again. Momo then finds the instruction manual (where the hell was it before?!!?!) and notices that the rocket is only designed to carry one person at a time. Also, the roof hatch should be opened before using the rocket. Ha ha. It’s comedy gold like this that makes all my pain worthwhile.
After brushing themselves down (and finding another new Dragon Gene), the party decides to head to the nearby oddly-placed Coffee Shop. Not to advance the plot in any way, you understand – Miss Piggy just fancied a tall skinny latté. Honest! With your next dose of dragony goodness comes another new party member (or two), problems with plants at a plant, and the mysterious Contest. You are very very excited. It’s over to Ryan now, so from me, have a very Happy Christmas!