Whoever thought of the colour scheme for this house should be shot.

Except not. Alf and Teepo came here to steal, and they’re gonna steal, dammit! Teepo challenges the unseen owner of the voice, only to be confronted with a green-coloured ghost. A sight that would send chills down the spine of a 400-lb Texan trucker. Honest. This ghost is terrifying. See for yourself if you don’t believe me. *snicker*

Whoo, scary.

“I am…Torast…” the ghost moans. “The spirit of the fifth McNeil…now get the fuck out of here, you little punks!” Okay, I made that last part up. “Are we supposed to be afraid of you?” Teepo replies. “Ha! We killed the Nue! We’re not afraid of you!” As much as Teepo annoys me, he has a point here. A four-year old would laugh in this ghost’s face. Of course, it doesn’t help that the colour scheme of the mansion is scarier than any ghost could ever hope to be. Torast doesn’t take too kindly to Teepo’s bitching, and, ready for the imminent mini-boss battle, transforms into a slightly less intimidating (if that’s even possible) form.

There’s really not much to say about this battle, aside from the fact that Torast has a REALLY annoying sleep attack which affects both party members at once. Yeah, real fair. At least the pretty pendulum spell animation is good. Ooh, pretty things. A few turns later, Torast is toast. After the battle he transforms into a little flame, then floats away, moaning “Forgive me, my brethren…I have failed you…” Alf and Teepo stand stock-still for a while, before Teepo remarks that he hates ghosts. Hey Teepo, it’s a good job you won’t be coming across any more ghosts while you’re here, isn’t it? Certainly not an entire family of them.

Exploring the mansion is an uneventful, yet tedious task, not least for the all-too-frequent random battles. Plus, many of the doors are nailed shut, forcing me to take the long way around. Grrr. In one large room, lined with old paintings, Teepo asks Alf if he feels as though they’re being watched. This seems irrelevant for the moment, but becomes semi-important a little later. There are a few servants dotted around the house, who all reiterate that the mansion is REALLY FUCKING CREEPY. In the library, Alf reads a book which indicates that, despite the huge amounts of money McNeil rakes in from taxes, he doesn’t seem to have much money himself. This also becomes semi important a little later. See a pattern here?

Upstairs, on a veranda which seemingly looks out onto inky blackness, Alf and Teepo run into a chubby middle-aged guy, who claims to be mayor McNeil himself. Teepo is all “Hey, this makes our job hella easy! Give back the money you’ve been stealing, bitch!”, and McNeil is all “What’s so wrong about charging taxes?”, and Alf (silently, of course) is all “Hey Teepo, you dumb fuck. That ain’t no mayor!” Yes, apparently McNeil is an impostor. Lord knows how Alf knows this, considering he’s never even seen the guy before. Not!McNeil replies that he is indeed a McNeil…or, to be more specific, “Kassen McNeil, the spirit of the third McNeil!” McNeil…sorry, Not!McNeil…sorry, Kass- oh, what the hell – then turns into an extremely terrifying silvery-blue palette-swap of his descendant, Torast. Aww, how cute. All the McNeils look the same when they die and go to the big hideously-decorated mansion in the sky. Must be the genes.

The second mini-boss battle of the mansion proves to be just as uneventful as the first. Kassen, although in possession of nasty HP and AP sucking skills, goes down quickly, before doing the ol’ flame transformation and floating away with some generic defeated-minor-villain dialogue. Whilst trying to descend a staircase, I’m confronted by yet another dead McNeil, Galtel. He is – wait for it – a RED palette swap of the other ghosts! And to cap it off, he’s just as easy to beat as his other family members. Words cannot describe how enthralling this game is at the mo-ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Down the staircase is a bedroom on the other side of the big portrait room from earlier. A maid standing by the fireplace remarks that sometimes, when she’s alone at night, she hears voices coming from the portrait room. This could be important very soon indeed, but, for now, let’s just assume that the maid is disturbed and is hearing voices in her head. Everybody move away from the maid now.

In yet another room, Alf and Teepo run across…you guessed it, another fucking dead McNeil. This one is yellow. But there’s a twist! Before he can burst into his introductory spiel, Teepo interrupts him. Haha, it’s funny because the ghosts usually introduce themselves and Teepo interrupted this one. It’s funny!!! LAUGH!!! Burn, ghostie! Battle begins, battle over, ghost dead. Again. Would someone please wake me up when all the ghosts have been dealt with?

Thankfully, there are no more ghosts…for now. Instead, we see a scene showing the portraits in the portrait room talking to each other…because they’re the ghosts, get it? And that’s why the apparently-schizo maid was hearing voices. The defeated ghosts ominously declare that it’s up to the living McNeil to defend their home now. I just hope he’s a bit more intimidating than his ancestors.

Alf and Teepo ride an elevator up to the top floor of the mansion, where a bed and save point are conveniently waiting for them. Thank God CT isn’t here, that’s all I can say. After…ahem…resting and saving, I guide the dimwits up a ladder and onto the mansion roof.

Once on the roof, Teepo wonders if CT got away safely, and secretly plans to give him a special reunion present later. The camera pans across the roof, which is covered with slimy moss, across to the adjacent roof where smoke can be seen wafting from the chimney. Amazingly, Teepo’s pea-sized brain manages to figure out that the room below that roof is probably where McNeil is. Problem is, he can’t figure out a way to get across. Baby steps, and all that. I guide Alf and Teepo along the roof, searching for a way to get across, slipping on the annoying moss, fighting random battles every five steps…you know the drill. Eventually, I find a grappling hook. I won’t pick apart the fact that said hook was just randomly lying around on the roof, as all will be explained very soon. CT suddenly appears from somewhere else on the roof, even though there was so trace of him when I explored the roof half a minute ago. Whatever, just go with it.

CT remarks that he would have come to help them sooner, but he had to look for something. Hmm, would that ‘something’ be a grappling hook, by any chance? Of course it would. The hook turns out to be CT’s. God knows how and why it ended up on the roof without him on the end of it. This revelation brings another question: why the hell didn’t he use the grappling hook to get them all onto the roof in the first place? That way, they could have bypassed the guards, the ghosts and – fuck it. You know what? Forget rational thinking, forget consistency. Just sit back and enjoy the crack-fuelled ride.

CT swings the grappling hook like a lasso, but before he can let it fly, he slips on the moss, slides down the sloping roof and half-flies, half-jumps across the gap to the adjacent roof. Hehe, CT goofed up. I pray the comedy moments in this game get better, and SOON. CT decides to pass his blunder off as an intentional, flashy way of getting across the gap. Fashioning a makeshift tightrope with the grappling hook, Alf and Teepo soon join him on the other roof. Teepo goes all passive-aggressive on CT’s ass about leaving them to fight ghosts and shit, while he “[had] a good time by [him]self…” I just bet he did.

Alf, guided by my ever-capable hands, explores the rooftop, finding a Swallow Eye in the process. Ew, I really shouldn’t have included ‘Alf’ and ‘Swallow’ in the same sentence. For the record, the Swallow Eye, for reasons beyond my comprehension, increases agility. Riiight. On another stretch of rooftop, he finds a Broad Sword. Why the hell are all these items scattered around randomly on the roof? Swords, grappling hooks, birds’ eyes…what next? A spiny dildo, an iPod, a nuclear warhead? Nothing would surprise me.

Soon, the party find a set of stairs, which they descend into the room we saw smoke coming from earlier. Inside the large room, we hear a woman scream, before the camera pans up to show mayor McNeil and a blonde woman standing by a king-size bed. I think we can see where this is going. “Oh my! What are you doing, Mr. McNeil?” the woman gasps, before Pervy McNeil starts to chase her around the room, cackling “Come back here, you vixen…” in what I imagine to be a dirty voice. Although the woman is running away from McNeil, she’s also giggling, and doesn’t exactly try to run out of the room. So we can assume this is some kind of foreplay. Aren’t you glad I’m here to join the dots for you? McNeil stops chasing his ho around when the party approach him. He looks exactly the same as the fake McNeil from earlier. “We’re here to take back all the money you’ve stolen!” Teepo squeals menacingly, as he stands behind CT. Go Teepo, you badass, you.

McNeil’s ho runs out of the room in a mixture of fright and revulsion, leaving McNeil at the mercy of Alf, Teepo and CT. McNeil is all “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”, and CT is all “Shut up! You’ve been stealing money from the villagers to pay for your hookers!”. Ah, remember earlier when a book told us McNeil didn’t seem to have much moolah? That’s because…dun dun DUN!!!….he’s been spending it all on his sex addiction! Michael Douglas has nothing on this guy. Wait, that means the game designers planned ahead. Hold the front page! Admittedly, they only planned ten minutes ahead, but it’s a start.

Suddenly, the screen shakes and five flames appear. These five flames represent the defeated McNeil ghosts, even though the party only fought four of them. Whoops. The ghosts call McNeil a disgrace (hee!), before amalgamating into one big ghost, fittingly enough named Amalgam. Boss battle time!

Amalgam isn’t any scarier than its singular forms, but it’s a heck of a lot harder to beat. It has all the annoying attacks from the previous battles, plus several magic attacks and a veritable buttload of HP. Eventually though, I emerge victorious, and the ghosts disappear.

Hmm…still not scary, is it?

After the battle, McNeil is still quivering in fright, while CT repeats that they’re here for his money. Teepo, in his second pot-kettle-black moment of this recap, remarks “You’re pretty dumb, aren’t you?” Eventually McNeil tells them where the dough is hidden, and all three loveable rogues rush off to lay their grubby mitts on it. McNeil’s ho reappears briefly to bitch “Those robbers are a lot more manly than you are!” Even Teepo? Man, that’s gotta hurt McNeil’s ego. His ho’s words cut deep, and soon he’s bawling like a baby and pounding his fist on the floor. As if these actions aren’t enough to turn him into a Scooby Doo villain, he snarls “Just you wait…we’ll see who has the last laugh…you little brats!”

Fade out. We see a scene of McNeil village in the early hours of the morning. Alf, CT and Teepo have left bags of money outside each house. Sure, it’s a nice gesture, but surely any passing thief could get rich very quickly from this method? Whatever. Our old friend MysteryExposition!Man is back, proclaiming: “Little did the Heroes of the Cedar Woods know…the real trouble wouldn’t begin until the next day…”

And this, dear readers, is the perfect place to end this recap. What will happen next? Do I even care? Whatever happens, I’m sure our three young ruffians won’t get into any more trouble…can I smell burning? Hopefully, the nice men in the white coats will let me out of my bouncy cell in time for Part 4. Until then, it’s over to Ryan! Remember, kids: don’t do crack!