Before heading down to Loki’s Secret Shack, I take a detour to a little forest clearing nearby, where I meet the first of the game’s Masters. In brief terms, a Master is assigned to a certain character, who will gain different skills and stat bonuses upon levelling up and returning to talk to them. Some Masters will give characters immense power and defense, but will slow them down and make them useless at spellcasting, while others will turn them into gifted mages with the fighting capacity of Yuna on her worst day. It’s all a question of balance. Now all of that boring crap is out of the way, avert your gaze to the pink box over there. That’s right, our first Master is Dumbledore, the greatest wizard in the world! Hagrid, Dumbledore…who’s next? Actually, his name’s Mygas, not Dumbledore, but you have to agree that the resemblance is uncanny. And even though his role in the game is about as big as the Nue’s, I’m giving him the nickname of Dumbledore, because I can.

‘There are all kinds of courage. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends crack-induced game designers.’

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Anyway, Dumbledore declares that he will only teach the party some new tricks (not that kind of trick) if they give him all the money they have. Luckily, being the wily gamer I am, I spent all my hard-earned cash in McNeil on useful stuff like armour and healing items, meaning that the washed-up wizard pockets the princely sum of 2 zenny. Sucker! For the record, Alf becomes Dumbledore’s apprentice.

So, on to Loki’s Secret Shack, where the green-cloaked one is waiting impatiently. CT asks what the hell he wants from them. Loki replies “Well, I’m sure you’ve heard the stories too…you know, the ones about Mr. McNeil?” (The mayor of creatively-named McNeil village.) “That he’s cheap and greedy?” Teepo bitches. Bad exposition, GO!!! “There’s lots of people like that…” CT replies, unwittingly making a reference to the ones who lovingly created him.

Loki continues that McNeil is a little too greedy, like Hitler was a little too evil. Basically, he’s been charging extortionate taxes, people are poor because of him (hey, he sounds like my old boss) and Loki wants the party to steal everything back from him. He neglects to explain, however, why he wants two kids and a dumb tiger to do his dirty work. Maybe if the three morons were capable of thinking, they’d be able to see that helping Loki probably isn’t the best idea. But the thought of becoming more popular with the villagers is too tempting to resist, so they agree to his plan.

Night. Loki has disappeared, leaving the party inside the shack, where Teepo is practicing his swordfighting skills, and, as usual, looking like an annoying brat. Suddenly Loki reappears and makes a play for Teepo’s Stating-the-Obvious crown, chirping “It’s night, everybody!” You don’t say! He continues that ‘they’ (I presume he means the guards around McNeil’s mansion) have just finished repairing the wall. After applying a cold compress to my freshly-acquired lump from the Hint Hammer, I guide the party out of the hut and up the road to the mansion. Once there, Teepo decides that they should split up to look for a way inside the grounds. Creepy Loki has retreated to another conveniently-placed shack, and tells Alf that the recently-repaired wall is to the North, but not to bother examining it, as they did “a perfect job”. *THWACK* Say, wouldn’t it be funny and completely unexpected if the repair job wasn’t so perfect after all? *THWACK*

Try to point out the repaired section of wall. I bet you can’t.

It doesn’t take Alf long to locate the section of PERFECTLY-REPAIRED wall, and soon CT and Teepo join him, their own searches having proved fruitless. The repair job sticks out like a sore thumb, and looks pretty shoddy, but of course that isn’t possible. Sighing despondently, CT leans back against the wall…only for it to come crashing down! I bet none of you saw that coming, did you? Miraculously, the crashing doesn’t alert any of the guards. I can only assume that they’re either completely deaf, or as dumb as the three fucktards in the party. Take your pick.

What follows is the most pointless, blatant, clusterfuck filler section in the entire game so far. That’s no small feat, as it’s had a lot of competition. Firstly, the party bumps into a shifty-looking guy behind a hedge, who reveals that he’s trying to break into the mansion, too. He gives Alf 50 zenny in return for keeping schtum. Maybe that’ll come in handy somewhere down the line. Next, Alf runs into one of the many guards dotted around the estate. It doesn’t look like the guard is willing to let a trio of dumb wankers get past, so the party readies their weapons. However, the guard recognizes CT, and remarks that, since they beat the Nue, there’s no way he’ll be able to stop them from forcing their way in. Because it’s obvious that a fully-grown guard couldn’t possibly emerge victorious against two incompetent brats and a tigerman who’s more interested in kids’ asses than fighting. Whatever. All the guard asks is that the party gives him 50 zenny, as his salary isn’t that great. Wow, wasn’t it an amazing coincidence that the bum behind the hedge just gave me 50 zenny?

With zenny in pocket, the guard turns away, allowing the wankers to pass. However, there are still about fifty other guards to deal with. Bummer. Some of them have lanterns, and if I step into the light of one of these lanterns, I’m transported back to the entrance. Ascending some stairs onto a walkway, with the help of my trusty strat guide I manoeuvre the camera in order to find a wallet on the ground. Hmm, I wonder who it belongs to? Needless to say, we’ll find out shortly. Wouldn’t it be really funny if we never actually found out who it belonged to, and just lugged it around for the rest of the game? Or is that just me? In fact, we find the owner of the wallet just a few paces away. It’s another guard, who lets the party pass in return for his precioussssss wallet. Jesus tapdancing Christ, do any of these guards actually do their job? I half expect the next set of guards to usher the party straight inside the mansion, complete with trumpet fanfare and a red carpet. Maybe some cake and alcoholic beverages too. Lord knows I’ve already consumed gallons of the stuff just to get me through this hour of game time.

A little further along, my path is blocked by a lantern-wielding guard. Oh no! How can I possibly proceed? Luckily, there’s a tower a few feet away, at the top of which is a bell. Ringing the bell (hitting it with Alf’s sword) tells the guard that it’s time for a cigarette break, and he promptly runs off as fast as his incompetent legs can carry him, allowing me to pass. I catch up with the smoking guard a few feet away, and he agrees to let the party pass (surprise!). However, first they must beat up the guard dog over by the gate, so it’ll look like the dog’s fault and not his. CT yells “They’re all a bunch of goof-offs!” My sentiments exactly, CT.

So…guard dog. It doesn’t take long to beat the poor pooch, after which the party can cross to the other side of the yard. Blah blah, more filler, blah blah, kill me now. Standing in clear sight of at least two guards is a trespassing villager, who appears to be peering over a hedge. On the other side of the hedge is another generic male villager, along with a generic female villager, who appears to be crying. Lord knows what they’re doing here. “Wait! What’s Mina doing over there!?” the lone villager cries. “I’d better go make sure she’s all right!” Instead, he just continues to stand there, not attempting to “make sure she’s all right” whatsoever. Whoops, game designers. I make my way over to Mina and the other generic villager, who stutters “M-M-Mina…w-w-would you like to s-s-spend some time with me?” I think he’s supposed to sound nervous. “I don’t know!” Mina replies weepily. So, what exactly have we established from this little interlude, aside from the fact that half of McNeil wants a piece of Mina’s poontang pie? Anyone? For fuck’s sake, Capcom don’t even try to disguise the filler in this game.

Yet another guard is standing in the corner, guarding…a chicken coop. I guess we all have to start somewhere. When approached, he randomly says “I wonder what Mina’s doing now…” Good lord, not another one. Mina has more admirers than . Apparently, Alf uses sign language to converse with the guard, as he suddenly cries “You say Mina’s here! With another man!? That’s terrible! I can’t believe it!” You’d better believe it, buddy. I get the impression she’s quite adept at it. The guard runs off, leaving pieces of his broken heart behind, to go to his room and write bad poetry about how shitty his life is.

Let’s just get this straight – so far, we’ve seen a would-be burglar, the village ho, and a selection of said ho’s admirers. Okay, if there are about fifty gazillion guards, and the security around McNeil’s estate is so tight, how the hell has everyone and their grandma managed to sneak into his yard? THIS GAME MAKES NO SENSE.

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Meanwhile, the party enters the chicken coop, for no particular reason. The coop is, fittingly enough, filled with chickens. Teepo muses that, since they won’t be able to get past all the guards (they’ve done a pretty good job so far), they should just steal some eggs and go home. Yes, please do. Unfortunately, CT isn’t so hot on the idea. Neither, it seems, is a huge chicken, even bigger than CT himself, who attacks the party. Seriously, what THE HELL? It’s like the game designers got bored one Friday afternoon, took all the drugs they could lay their hands on, then decided to fill this part of the game with as much cracked-out shit as they could imagine. The chicken, called Rocky, attacks by jumping on the party’s heads. It also uses a special attack called – I kid you not – Ovum, which turns its target into a giant egg. Someone, please make it stop. What did I do in a past life to deserve this? Luckily, Rocky is soon KFC thanks to Teepo’s Simoon spell, one of the few things he’s good for.

Amazingly, this seemingly-fillerific interlude actually has a purpose!!! Rocky’s demise sends the remaining chickens into a flapping, squawking frenzy, and they all skedaddle out of the coop, complete with comical music. Thank God we have this brief moment of comedy to balance out all the serious stuff in the game. *cough* The chickens apparently break up the little ‘meeting’ between Mina and her numerous men, as we hear her scream, followed by a command by one of the guards to go after the chickens. Of course, this means that the other guards are all distracted, allowing the party to sneak right up to McNeil’s front door. But wait! It looks like not all the guards are chasin’ the chickens – four guards are…well, guarding, the front door. CT sneaks closer to get a closer look, placing himself practically in front of the dimwit guards in the process. Not one of them notices him. Why is everyone in this game so dumb? Is it something in the water?

CT beckons Alf and Teepo forward. They try to crouch down and move quietly, but Alf falls flat on his ass. Ha ha, it’s funny and cute, see? See? He’s a kid and he fell over! IT’S FUNNY AND CUTE!!! Eventually, CT decides to act as a decoy, which will distract the guards and allow Alf and Teepo to walk straight in. He tells them that he’ll climb onto the roof and meet them there, before casually walking straight in front of the guards. By divine intervention, they actually notice him this time, and give chase. Quick as a flash, Alf and Teepo dash inside the mansion, while CT leaps onto the roof and out of sight.

Thank God that inane fifteen-minutes of filler is over. But we still have to deal with the McNeil mansion, a horribly-decorated house with a horrible layout to match. As some OMG-this-house-is-creepy-and-we-shouldn’t-be-here music plays in the background, Alf and Teepo fight their way past giant cockroaches, volts of electricity (yeah), and guards, who prove to be just as useless in battle as they are performing guard duties. When the two wankers reach a big staircase, an unseen force hurls them through the air. Hee! A disembodied voice warns that “No one is allowed to trespass in the ancient home of the McNeils!” Well, okay Mr. Invisible, I’m glad that’s been cleared up. We’ll just be going now.