Wellington is about to leave, because in his words, “I have a reservation at that ultra-fancy restaurant on the upper side of town.” Okay, if Damon Gant weren’t rotting in prison, I would be concerned he’s going to the Golden Corral, before his water therapy session. Meanwhile, Phoenix is dwelling on what to do. For fun, I have him “wait and see.” Phoenix blue-fonts, “It’s no use. I can’t do any more. There’s nothing left. Nothing left but to go back to my hometown… But where in the world is that, anyway?” Okay, I thought he actually fucking had his memory back. This game. Maya wants to know what he’s “mumbling” about, i.e. Maya can now also read his thoughts. Super. “You’re… Well, you’re YOU, Nick!” she says. “And because you’re you, you can’t give up now!” That really is the essence of Phoenix Wright. I mean, also, screwing Miles Edgeworth. But second to that, not giving up.

Yes. Bon appetite.

Phoenix figures he has nothing to lose and asks Maya, “Alright. If I were me, then what would I do?” A fair question. “Sweat all over the bench, pull decisive evidence out of your asshole, and then run off to a broom closet with Mr. Edgeworth,” Maya does not reply. Instead, she says, “That’s easy! For starters, you’d raise your voice and object!” Okay, yes, he does that too, Maya. FINE.

“Hold it!” Phoenix shouts, and the game spares me the insult of doing the whip-’round of everyone’s shocked faces. Oh, wait, no it doesn’t. It just waits until after showing it was Phoenix who spoke up. Carry on, everyone! Phoenix thinks he may be able to prove the phone is Wellington’s, and really, all that’s necessary is applying the process of elimination to Phoenix’s court record, or in storyline terms, realizing that Dick Wellington is extraordinarily incompetent. The judge and Payne insist that Phoenix will not badger the witness anymore, which is fine, because Phoenix already has all he needs. And so he presents…his own business card. MAGGEY’S TREASURE.

“Why, thank you,” the judge says, no doubt accepting the business card formally, with both hands. “How nice. Here, please have one of mine.” And Phoenix even gets the judge’s business card in the court record, which I’m sure he will have to hang onto for Maggey or she will peck out his innards. After a moment, the judge comes to his senses and realizes now is not the time for this, but Phoenix insists that it’s the back of the card that’s important. He asks Maya, “Can you please call this number from your cell phone?” Maya is skeptical, and probably thinks she’ll get held in contempt if she tries to make a call in the middle of the trial, but Phoenix assures her it’s fine. So Maya dials the number on her own purple phone, and of course, but somehow, Phoenix’s ringtone (i.e., his theme music) emanates from the phone in Dick Wellington’s hand.

I have no comment. This is just funny.

“Hmm… How strange…” Phoenix says. “I could almost swear that you’re holding MY phone!” Phoenix looks triumphant, so I’m assuming he’s deploying sarcasm, and that he isn’t genuinely surprised at this. I mean, why call his own number otherwise? But this is Phoenix, so you never know. “By the way,” he adds, as Wellington is figuratively and literally choking himself, “before I forget, thank you very much for the lump on my head this morning.” Maya must be so confused by all this. Does Phoenix have a new boyfriend who plays too rough and also steals cell phones? “I don’t think I need to explain any further,” Phoenix says, and somehow doesn’t just stop there, “except to say: When you went to retrieve your cell phone, you mistakenly took the wrong one!”

Let’s take a moment away from the action to process all this, as Wellington, to the tune of his own ringtone, screams and asphyxiates for four text screens. So Wellington realized his phone was in the hands of Maggey’s lawyer and, afraid he would be exposed in court, assaulted Phoenix to get his phone back. He confirmed that Phoenix had said phone by calling it, and watching as Phoenix pulled it out to answer it. That is, the phone was in Phoenix’s hand when Wellington attacked him. Phoenix’s own phone was, presumably, in his pocket. Even given that the two phones are identical–and that’s TWO massive, unbelievable coincidences in this trial, after Maggey’s and Wellington’s identical eye prescriptions–how in the world could he have possibly grabbed the wrong phone? And even once he did so, how did he not notice when he was erasing all the data in the stolen phone that the contacts he was erasing were for people he didn’t know? And how did he not realize he had the wrong one earlier today when he kept getting phone calls from some hyperactive teenage girl, which also set off a ringtone that wasn’t his?

Also, while we’re here, let’s remember that supposedly, the phone itself could not be traced directly to its owner. All they had to go on were the other numbers in the phone, which could be linked to criminals. The only reason Wellington was ever connected to the phone in the first place was that he showed up in court to fake being a witness to the crime. Like, sure, I guess I understand stealing the phone back from Phoenix for peace of mind, assuming he’d managed to succeed in doing so, but if he had just ghosted out of the courtroom after that (or before!) and not appeared in court, he would have gotten away scot-free.

But the thing that is really putting me on the road to Migraine City is that Phoenix had no idea his little ploy would work. I mean, yes, he could have actually perused the phone in his hand, in conjunction with the list Maya gave him, to make sure that the numbers on each all matched and that he was definitely still holding the phone Maggey found. But he never did that. So his Hail Mary at the end here entirely hinged on Dick Wellington being mind-blowingly idiotic enough to assault Phoenix just to steal a phone, only to steal the wrong goddamn phone. And this is also assuming Phoenix even remembered at this point that his own cell phone looked just like Wellington’s, and that he had it with him before the trial this morning.

(It occurs to me, by the way, that the one and only reason Dick Wellington is wearing a blue suit is so we can plausibly believe he and Phoenix would have the same color and model of phone. Since everyone in this series matches their phones to their outfits, motherfucker can’t be in a fuchsia murder suit. Of course the one place the game designers paid attention to a tiny but important detail involves picking the perfect ensemble.)

And we’ve only even covered the problems with the cell phone switcheroo, which is admittedly one of the dumbest plot twists this entire series has or ever will perpetrate. What about the actual murder? Phoenix and the judge don’t get into this, mostly because Phoenix the Criminal Whisperer is too busy explaining that Wellington “is a man who lives on his pride and self-image alone” and had “lost all ability to make rational judgments.” YOU’RE TELLING ME, NICK. But the narrative we’re left with is that Wellington followed Prince (who did not actually possess his phone), confronted him, and pushed him off a ledge to his death. He then spent the next 17 minutes, in some order, arranging the crime scene to frame the cop’s girlfriend and failing to find his glasses and his phone. This leaves me with one major question: where the hell was Maggey at this time? She can’t have gone to work after leaving Prince, even though their date was supposedly before her shift, because that would have given her, you’d think, a pretty rock-solid alibi. (“Hard evidence!” Gumshoe finally gets to say, with gusto.) Was she elsewhere, waiting for Wellington alone to hand off the phone? Even though she and Prince waited around for half an hour before this? And if so, why did Wellington not follow her? Or at least, why did he not try to find her after he realized Prince didn’t have his phone? And why would she have even bothered to meet him alone? Was Prince on his way out, late for his hot date with Gumshoe?

And speaking of where the fuck people were…where the fuck were all the people? I’m supposed to believe there were no people of any kind, in a public park in the early evening, to witness the actual murder, but there were people left and right 17 minutes later, gawking and pointing at the dead body? How could a park be dead empty at 6:28 and full of people at 6:45?

You guys, if this is the kind of plotting Jeanne and I are in for with the rest of this game, our livers may not survive. I mean. What the fuck is all this.

Without further ado, the judge finds Maggey Byrde not guilty, confetti showers from the ceiling, and court is adjourned. Thank Christ. This was way too long for an opening trial, guys. I was supposed to be getting an easy assignment! The next thing I know, Maggey is staring with starry eyes at Phoenix in the lobby. “I knew that the real you would shine through eventually!” she says. That makes one of us. Maggey is “moved” by what Phoenix has done for her, I guess indicating that once again our hero is working pro bono. He is so lucky his boyfriend makes bank. Maybe. No spoilers. Meanwhile, Maya looks sad, and not because she just found out Phoenix was assaulted in the five minutes she wasn’t glued to his hip today. “I feel really bad for Dustin,” she says with a frown. “He didn’t do anything to deserve this…” Well, I’m glad one person here is mourning the victim, MAGGEY. Hopefully ashamed, Maggey hangs her head too. “…It’s probably because of me…” she sighs. She goes on to explain, literally making another person’s murder all about herself and her problems, “My whole life has been nothing but a whirlwind of bad luck and failures.” Maya tries to tell Maggey she’s overstating it, until Maggey gives her a laundry list. “Since I was 6 months old, when I fell from the 9th floor of my apartment building, I’ve been hit by all sorts of vehicles, gotten sick from all sorts of foods, failed at almost every test I’ve ever taken, experienced almost every kind of disaster, and never won or even tied at a game of tic-tac-toe! My life has really been nothing but a string of disasters.” She even reveals her old nickname, the “Goddess of Misfortune.” I guess this makes Maggey the female Larry Butz, except we’re not supposed to think any of this is her own fault for being a histrionic dipshit. But she still kind of is being that anyway. You’re not the one who died, lady! Get a grip!

Anyone else think Maggey may have misheard this nickname?

Finally, we get back to Dustin, who Maggey is convinced died just for associating with her. “That glove didn’t even have any sort of special meaning,” she admits. “It was just a present to say thanks for covering one of my night shifts.” Pretty sure the intent here is to clarify that Maggey wasn’t into Prince (like we didn’t know) and is still open for business for poor sad Gumshoe, but now I just feel worse for him that his actual lover died. I mean, make no mistake, Prince was at best his consolation prize for losing out on the Miles Edgeworth’s Penis Sweepstakes, but I’m sure they still cared for each other.

Maggey/Oldbag OTP

Once Maggey is done blaming every bad thing in the universe on her own bad luck, including Phoenix’s head injury, she brightens up. “I’m going to find a new life for myself starting now,” she tells Phoenix and Maya. “The next time we meet, I’m sure I’ll… I’m sure I’ll have found a whole ocean’s worth of good luck by then, sir!” I barely even consider it a spoiler to say that this will not be the case. “Yeah,” Phoenix replies. “After all, the ‘Goddess of Misfortune‘ is only a name!” This coming from the dude who can’t stop saying, “When something smells, it’s usually the Butz.” I mean, I guess his name is actually Butz, but still. “Next time we meet,” Maggey promises, “I’ll only be an ‘Unlucky Person‘, instead of a goddess!” Yikes. Phoenix is all, “That’s…great,” and Maggey finally leaves.

Now that his client is gone and he can stop pretending to listen to her, Phoenix sighs about his “horrible” day. “I’ve gotten my memory back, but things are still a little fuzzy…” he says. Phoenix: that is your normal. It’s fine. Maya, who still never exactly got an explanation of what happened to Phoenix, says she’s relieved he’s okay, and adds that they should get back to the office. Just one problem! “So, this might sound bad,” Phoenix asks, uh oh, “but…uh… Who are you…?” Maya is, shall we say, not pleased.

Over Maya’s puffed-up rage face, the screen goes black. “At that moment,” Phoenix thinks, “everything really did come back to me…” He remembers Gumshoe, shown frowning behind the witness stand, as someone who is an ally, despite their “clashes” in the past. During cases, he is quick to add, but come on. There has to have been at least one off-screen fight between these two, with at least one glass of wine thrown in Edgeworth’s two-timing face. “The Judge…” he goes on, as the screen shows His Honor. “He’s a lovable, kind old man who is easily swayed by other people’s opinions.” I’d say show, don’t tell, but it’s not like this hasn’t been shown a million times just in this case. He blanks on Winston Payne. “He seems to know me, but maybe he’s mistaking me for someone else…?” Payne is actually flop-sweating in Phoenix’s thoughts, as if he can hear Phoenix negging him.

Finally, he comes back to Maya’s still-puffy face. “…Maya…?” he finally says. And Maya gets tears in her eyes. Aww. She’s only known for five minutes, tops, that he had forgotten her, but she’s so happy he remembers! This game. “This is Maya Fey, my assistant,” Phoenix blue-fonts. “That’s right…I have so many unforgettable memories about her.” Most of them involve dead people, or getting tasered, but let’s not dwell on that. The Penetrating Bond of Friendship!

Phoenix is thinking of a particular memory of Maya, but Maya snaps him out of it, wondering if he’s missed her. She was gone for an hour! Please don’t tell me this game is gonna try making Phoenix/Maya happen. No. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages,” Phoenix says, and Maya figures they’ll just have to make some new memories to replace whatever trifling bullshit might be permanently gone from Phoenix’s brain. Oh no! What if he’s forgotten the Steel Samurai?!

Speaking of starting over, Phoenix laments the loss of his phone data and realizes in a bit of too-on-the-nose meta-commentary, “I guess I’ll have to start over from the very beginning…” I figure this is fine, until it occurs to me that he might have had Edgeworth’s number in there. AND his birthday, AND their anniversary! He is so fucked. But he can work on that problem after he and Maya have gotten some motherfucking burgers. I’m glad Maggey is not invited–Maya can really go without Maggey blaming the death of those sweet cows on her terrible luck.

“Actually,” Phoenix blue-fonts, “it hasn’t even been two months since she came back into my life.” The screen goes black and the music fades. Noir-style, he adds, “And that story… That story began on one rainy afternoon, two months ago…” Hmm. Maybe Maya gets accused of murder again! No. That’s silly. The game designers wouldn’t be so repetitive as to make the second case a Maya Fey murder trial again! …So, next time, Jeanne will take you through the beginning of the second Maya Fey murder trial. Oops. See you all in part 3!