The most obvious choice of orifices would be Mewtwo, but for some reason the game won’t let me do that. I’m not too upset over this, actually. Ellia must retrace her steps back to the room with the hermaphroditic pillar. She bypasses the zombie racial gangrape room and heads back into my very favorite trap corridor. Going the opposite way through this corridor automatically triggers traps that I managed to avoid before. Plus, there are zombies in here now. AWESOME!

I let Ellia take the hit to her sanity meter while taking advantage of the assraping behavior of the swinging blade traps to finish off the zombies. Cue the creepy blood and gore. The screen tilts more and more as Ellia starts to hear little robotic voices chanting in her head. Oh, the insanity!

Back in the room with the shemale pillar, Ellia must defeat six zombies in order to get to the sweet, sweet opening in the pillar’s base. Let’s just pretend I didn’t need to use the precious magical amulet during that part. I’ll feel much cooler that way.

Six poisonously poisoned and slashed — not like that — zombies later, Ellia slides the staff into the slit and moves it around until something happens. And that’s how baby puzzle solutions are made.

This bit of tab-A-into-slot-B puzzle solving opens the back door in Mewtwo’s chamber. Don’t be confused by that terminology — I’m talking about an actual door. You know, I don’t care how many skirted mofos attempt to insert organs from a god that looks like the ultimate male’s sex toy into my ribcage — if an animated skeleton wearing a headdress and wielding a staff made of a human spine tells me to get the fuck out of an ancient temple, then I’m going to follow his advice and get the fuck out of the ancient temple. Ellia, however, is obviously not me, since she apparently buys into that whole “No really, you’re the chosen one, not just a super convenient trespasser!” business, so she runs her naked, masochistic booty right back to Mewtwo’s room, whimpering like Tidus with a hangnail. I’d say that part of her realizes she’s a dumbass, but the whining is just another sanity effect.

Poor, stupid Ellia finds only a disappointing dead-end in the new chamber. Oh, there’s another of those multi-armed statues, but it’s barren of any phallic objects. Bummer! What’s an even bigger bummer is the fact that Penis Assthrustus was apparently lying in wait for her. I know he wasn’t hanging out in Mewtwo’s chamber, so maybe he was crouching behind one of those squat little torch holders around the room. I don’t know his methods, I’m just guessing here.

The important thing is that Penis, though generous in his previous scene, has not taken Ellia’s disobedience lightly. He’s in full-on, raging PMS mode, and Mewtwo’s all out of Midol. First he informs Ellia that she will now die, then he demands to know the location of Mewtwo’s “essence.” Ew. Also, he blew his wad a little too soon, there — if you tell her she’s going to die, she has no reason to tell you where it is, dipshit. Ellia continues to make pathetic whimpering noises as Penis and two of those skirted guards approach her. The two skirt dudes take hold of her arms gingerly, like “Ew, a girl!” “Where is it? I will not ask again, child!” Penis snits. Man, he is a shitty negotiator. Ellia, for all her faults, manages to keep her mouth shut, although I would’ve liked to see her go, “Where do you think it is, assmunch? Do you see me carrying a fucking handbag?!” At this point, Penis carries through on his threat, complete with the dramatic proclamation, “Very well, then, you will succumb to the horrors of oblivion.” I guess it’s more creative than the overused “Die!” But still cheesy.

I’m not sure what Ellia thought he was going to do to her throughout this scene, but she suddenly begins screaming in shock and horror as Penis Assthrustus forms a flaming ball around his fist and blasts her with a bolt of red Charmander spooge. So much for a noble and dignified death. Christ, even Tidus managed to get through his death scene without throwing a tantrum.

Ellia falls flat on her face, presumably dead, and the camera turns back to Penis Assthrustus so we can stare at a rotting zombie rather than a scantily-clad female lying ass-up on the ground. I think I just died of shock.

This unexpressive shot of Penis fades into that lovely Photoshop-filtered chapter image we love so much, indicating that our adventures with Ellia are at an end. I would never have guessed.

Back to Alexandra Roivas, who looks up from the book, most likely contemplating the undoubtedly lame contrivances fanboys have used to get her and Ellia together in erotic fanfiction. The camera pulls out (not like THAT!), allowing us to see the study’s three candles and accompanying painting suddenly light up. The camera gives us a close-up on the candles, for that extra “DURRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!” effect.

Before I sat down to play this part, I took the liberty of lobotomizing myself with a nearby knitting needle, so I hope you’ll forgive me if I take a while to figure this one out. Also, I have one hand up my ass for the extra challenge. I don’t know if you’re catching my sarcasm here, but this puzzle is easy. You see, it’s the same type of puzzle as in Ellia’s chapter! I know! The only puzzling thing about it is why and how Edward Roivas (or whoever) set it up in his secret office. I guess he could’ve gotten the idea from his own jaunts through Ellia’s chapter, but that’s kind of pathetic — think up your own puzzles, Ed.

Once Alex extinguishes the correct candles, a fake bookshelf beneath the altar slides open to reveal a message tube. Inside the message tube is…

…

…(oh, the suspense!)

…

…another chapter page! You might be noticing a pattern here. Also, I love RETD’s commentary when Alex first examines the contents of the hidden compartment: “With the correct sequence of candles being lit, a hidden panel opens. There is a Message Tube inside.” Oh, that’s why it opened. And it’s a hidden panel, you say? Most perplexing! Jesus, RETD.

The new chapter page is titled “Suspicions of Conspiracy.” Juicy! Perhaps the conspiracy is to drive me insane with retardedly easy puzzles. You’ll have to wait till the next creepy installment to find out, though.

Don’t think that’s the end of this recap, however. Opening the message tube unfortunately triggers another stupid cut scene starring Penis. Man, that guy never shuts up.

Penis stands in a circular area surrounded by a spiky fence and darkness. A large circular portal sits in front of him, emitting red fire and sparklies. As soon as Penis performs a red-hued magical spell, a gaping, vaginal opening appears in the portal’s ring of fire. I think it’s supposed to be an eyeball, but that’s sure not what it looks like to me. Sauron, eat your heart out. Not!Sauron’s huge eyeball hogs the portal, greatly resembling someone standing outside a hotel room with their eye right against the peephole to freak out the person inside the room. Not that I would know — I’m too mature to do shit like that.

Turns out that Not!Sauron is actually Penis Assthrustus’s god, Charmander. And he has a buttload of eyeballs, so the Sauron resemblance isn’t as pronounced as it could be. Too bad — this game could really benefit from a gaggle of gay hobbits. Of course, you could probably say that for any game.

Penis has missed his best buddy. “I feel that my power is weakening from your absence,” he whines sycophantically. Charmander, in a voice that sounds like someone did the reverse-Chipmunk treatment on James Earl Jones after imprisoning him in a tobacco smoke-filled chamber for several millennia, is all, “No shit, Sherlock, since I fucking supply your power.” “Without me, you are nothing,” he adds. Aw, what a sweetheart. Penis feels very small and unmasculine now, but he presses on. “My meditations reveal a flaw in our plan,” he informs his bitchy boss. Charmander practically throws a hissy as he responds that his plan is perfect, God damn it! Mewtwo and the other two Pokemon gods are stupid, slow assholes and will not be able to stop them from carrying out…whatever it is. “Once [Mewtwo] is bound, its death will be prolonged for a thousand years,” Charmander croaks. Wait, who just used the time turner? Okay, so this scene takes place way before Ellia’s misadventures. And I suppose this answers my question of whether or not Mewtwo’s prolonged death was planned. Apparently…it was. Well, it’s still a stupid plan.

Charmander goes on to exposit that with Mewtwo out of the way, it will no longer be able to keep its three starter Pokemon bitches in line. I still don’t know why the “death over thousands of years” is a better tactical move than “instant death,” but I’m going to surmise that Mewtwo is always good for a quickie. And when you’re basically a giant penis with eyes like Charmander is, you need your quickies.

Penis, meanwhile, inquires about Mewtwo’s “essence.” Ew again. “[Mewtwo] has employed others to defend it,” Charmander responds. I guess this refers to that creepy guy who did the reverse Temple of Doom heart thing on Ellia. And maybe the other guys in skirts. Although they were all metaphorically in bed with Penis at the end of Ellia’s chapter.

I’m tired of overanalyzing this, so I’m going to move on. Needless to say, Charmander shoots down all of Penis’s concerned questions with assurances that he, Charmander, is so fucking awesome that he’ll make everyone his bitches, regardless of essences and crossdressing guardians and whatnot.

At this point, Charmander asks Penis about some dude named Charlemagne. Who really existed in the real world! That means that this story might really have happened! Creepy! “Is he still a concern?” Charmander wonders. “His undoing has been planned in intricate detail,” Penis assures the boss. I’m sure I’m not the only one thinking that this undoing might have something to do with poisonous poison. Poison!

Penis blahs some more about how Charlemagne’s closest butt buddies will be responsible for the inevitable bucket-kicking. “Nothing short of a miracle will keep him alive, and there hasn’t been one of those for a long time,” Penis declares ominously. But what about childbirth? THAT’S A MIRACLE!!!! Well…except for the part where it totally isn’t. Anyway, the scene cuts back to Alex before Penis can break into the obligatory maniacal laughter.

I’m done now. Really. To reiterate: next time, Suspicions! And conspiracy! And undoings! See you in Part 3!