Penis looks like he might shit himself, but that doesn’t stop him from running forward to lop off some shriveled appendages. Stupidly, he did not consult his Tome of Eternal Strategy, which warns him about the other two zombies lurking in the shadows on either side like velociraptors. So I end up with my first tutorial on the Health Meter, thanks to Penis’s lack of foreskinsight and his failure to avoid the limp-wristed zombie slap attack. I don’t think I need to explain to you what the fucking Health Meter is, for cripes sakes, but I’ll describe its appearance for shits and giggles. In this game, it looks like a bubbling vertical red tube, stoppered at each end with a penis head. Penis’s health meter is rather robust, an indication of his status as a studly soldier rather than a noodle-armed weakling like Rinoa.
Penis decapitates the beef jerky zombies, stopping them in their tracks, before hacking the shit out of their torsos. Huge gouts of blood accompany these actions, as if the zombies would even freaking have any. Hell, their veins are probably more shrunken than Tidus’s wiener. But we have to have our gratuitous M-rating-qualifying violence, or people might not take Nintendo seriously.
Incidentally, it’s possible to attack different body parts on most of the monsters in the game, with varying effects. For example, decapitating zombies generally stops them from chasing you like deranged Orlando Bloom fangirls. And hacking their arms off prevents them from performing their bitchslap attack. It’s all very strategic.
Speaking of strategic, once the zombies are writhing on the ground like unfortunate souls who just saw Tidus naked, I have the option of performing a finishing move on them. The animation of the finishing move depends on the character and weapon involved. In Penis’s case, he roughly thrusts his Gladius into the anus of the indisposed zombie, killing it for real. They don’t call him Assthrustus for nothing.
With the zombie and his buddies dead — or more dead — Penis strides forward to retrieve his glowing red box. A little sitar theme acts as the “You found something, you fucking genius!” signal. Picking up an object affords us a better view of it — in this case we can now see that the red symbol on the box matches the red Charmander symbol back in the Roivas mansion painting. I don’t know about you, but I’m noticing a pattern.
As soon as Penis enters the darkened room at the end of the tunnel, some more beef jerky buttholes attack him. Man, this Buttplug had better be ribbed or something for all the trouble he’s going through. Once he dispatches and thoroughly penetrates this bunch, he finds a Bulbasaur symbol stone block in the center of a glowing floor circle. Score!
Another room, another bunch of beef jerkies. Penis almost gets distracted from his killing spree by the fabulous flowered pattern on the floor. And the carved pillars lining a nearby alcove. This is simply breathtaking. Why, if this place didn’t have a zombie infestation problem, Penis could open his own gay resort and dance club. Alas.
Fabulous!
The lonely Squirtle symbol block lies discarded on the floor, waiting for a loving trainer to rescue it. So Penis does. Wait, does this mean he’s caught them all? A creepy male voice breathes, “[PEEEEEEEEEEENIIIIIIIIIIIIS]” in the background as soon as Penis picks up the stone block. Well, that’s kind of a mood-killer. Can’t a man enjoy his Pokemon-themed blocks in peace?
The aforementioned alcove contains yet another ladder leading down, this time to a T-shaped intersection containing a zombie, a blocked door, and an open door. Upon entering the open (DURR) door, Penis can hear the squishy footsteps and deep tiger growl of more fucking zombies. Now, this is just getting out of hand. Is there like a zombie pez dispenser hidden somewhere in here?
Once again, Penis has his way with the unfortunate beef jerkies, after which he stands back and examines his surroundings. He’s in a circular chamber with four cube-shaped depressions in the wall. Each depression has a colored symbol directly above it, obviously corresponding to the granite blocks. This isn’t exactly rocket science. Penis has the three starter Pokemon blocks, obviously, but what about that fourth purple symbol? The one located in the center of that Roivas mansion painting? Well that, my friends, would be the Mewtwo block, and luckily for Penis, it’s sitting in the center of the room on a ginormous glowing circle. Now I don’t want anyone to write to me about the latest and greatest starter Pokemon or legendary Pokemon or whatnot that you think these colors represent. I don’t care about Staplerchu or Weedatron, the Pokemon that the designers invented after they ran out of ideas and started turning nearby objects into new Pokemon.
Anyway, with the four granite blocks in his magical disappearing sack, Penis must now try to figure out which block plugs into which hole. Oh, baby. I’ll spare you the elaborate puzzle-solving process — the colored blocks go in the corresponding colored holes. After Penis places each one, the camera insultingly focuses on the block, glowing with its color, followed by the plaque, glowing with the same color. AH! I GET IT!
But what?!?!?!
As his reward for solving this nearly impossible puzzle, the previously-barred door opens. Penis backtracks to the previous chamber and, in a shocking twist, enters this door. Cue creepy voice. The new room, while also circular and torchlit like that other one, has a rather strange object in the center. And this one is not Pokemon-related. Somehow, a wizard predicted the presence of Penis and took the time to fashion a statue of him. Or he got one of his sculptor buddies to do so. It’s not like I know wizard etiquette.
RETD relays a message from said wizard: “[Penis], you must prove your worth by destroying this statue.” Um, okay. He adds instructions on how to select a specific body part. Wow, thanks for that information — I’ve only been doing that for the last fifteen minutes. Ass.
Considering that there is no challenge involved beyond pressing the B button four times, Penis manages to prove his worth. Nintendo apparently remembered to replace cartoon plumbers with bloody zombies, but forgot to make the actual gameplay suitable for anyone over the age of five.
Demolishing the statue, in addition to the worth-proving, also opens up another door. The moment Penis enters this new, jerky zombie-filled chamber, the camera performs an obnoxious close-up on a glowing stone circle in the wall. I wait for the inevitable tutorial on how to walk forward, but I guess those sadistic buttheads are just going to let me puzzle that one out on my own. After his zombie-raping spree, Penis obviously pushes the torso-sized, fiery button. In the center of the room, three stone phalluses thrust sharply out of the floor as the circular shape in the center lights up with lust. I think my IQ just shot up fifty points after figuring that one out.
PENISES!
Once again, Penis can’t resist the urge to stand directly in the middle of the erect pillars. To his dismay, he receives no hot facial spray, but he does get teleported into one final chamber. Yes, Penis Assthrustus has finally reached his destination — The Chamber of the Buttplug.
But what is this? Penis finds not one, not two, but three pedestals with floating sex toys. And here’s a cookie if you guessed that each pedestal has a colored Pokemon symbol etched into its surface. Now Penis must make a choice, and he must choose wisely. For the sex toy he chooses will guide his path for the rest of the game.
Not that I want to connect Pokemon with sex toys in any way, but I don’t have any choice here if I’m going to stick to my naming scheme. Fucking Nintendo. The Charmander…object is long and poonty, with a couple of round objects on one end. Penis eyes it with interest, but reminds himself that he needs to check all his options. Next, he takes a look at the blue Squirtle toy. This one has several protrustions coming out of a central dome. Not bad, not bad. Finally, the Bulbasaur toy, while poonty like Charmander, has four additional poonty protrusions coming out the sides. Shit, that is way too spiny. Penis likes it rough, but he’s not that much of a masochist.
Gotta catch ’em all!
So it’s between Charmander and Squirtle. Ultimately, Penis makes his choice by going with his favorite color — red. It’s always good to coordinate one’s buttplug with one’s outfit, he figures. Unable to hold back any longer, Penis reaches out to touch the glowing red artifact, only to find out that even Pokemon have a dark side. A ball of light forms between the…well, balls, blasting Penis in the face with a whole bucketful of red jizz. And this is no ordinary jizz — Penis falls to his hands and knees, screaming, as red light shoots out of his eyes and hands. Sexy.
This is what I looked like after watching the FFX pond scene.
One Black Screen of Bodily Mutilation later, we see a smoking, sparking Penis climb painfully to his feet, arms and hands shriveled beyond recognition. Dramatically, he lifts his face to the camera, revealing that he, too, is now a beef jerky zombie — albeit slightly more muscular. And with a better wardrobe. The camera draws back from this unappetizing sight to show us that all the sex toys have disappeared from their pedestals. Dun-dun-DUN!
The image of the three pedestals changes to a sepia-toned Photoshop filter, signaling the end of the chapter. Even though Penis was apparently the narrator at the beginning of the chapter, and the whole narration takes place after the point of his zombification, only now does his voice sound truly evil and menacing. “Aeons have passed since then,” Penis wanks, proving that he saw the end of FFX. “And I have learned much. Chattur’gha’s Charmander’s power filled me, invigorating my dead body.” Penis goes on to describe his awesome new destructive powers like he’s some giant fucking stud. “Face me, and you shall surely perish!” Yes, I’m very scared of your red skirt and your Pokemon god.
The bony book cover closes, turning the action back to the rather disturbed Alex. Not that I blame her — a rotting corpse plundering Pokemon-themed dildos isn’t my idea of a happy bedtime story, either. And with that lovely imagery branded into your brains, I’ll end the recap here. Join me next time for a completely probable adventure involving a highly literate Asian dancer/slave, a many-orificed god, and our good friend Penis the Evil Zombie. Sanity’s Requiem, indeed. See you then!