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Legend of Dragoon : Part 9
By Kelly
Posted 12.14.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
After having his ass handed to him by a Sephiroth wanna-be, Red Cloud and his homies have heard the horrible news that King Bohunk's doin' hard time in lockdown. Sarge has sworn to roll up in there and bust him out, so the others go along for the ride since like, the mall's closed and stuff. Fortunately, rather than the arduous climb over mountains and through the woods that we had to go through to save poor widdle Shana for the umpteenth time, it's a quick walk through the mountain pass from Lohan to bring us back to the entrance of Hellena Prison. Sarge leads the "sneak" attack back inside before the drawbridge goes up, if by "sneak" you mean "do something utterly foolish in the name of being a hero causing as much noise and uproar as possible." He manages to get the drawbridge down so Red Cloud and the others can get inside, so the operation isn't a complete loss. Just in time too, since Fat Bastard's on a tight time schedule. I'll just let him tell us all about it, shall I?

Yes, it's back to the World's Most Maniacal Glutton, Fat Bastard! He's standing in an open courtyard of some kind with King Bohunk kneeling in front of him, stripped to the waist. No, it's not what you're thinking, but I wouldn't be surprised if some bear-admiring yaoi fan's got the doujinshi of this scene hanging on their wall somewhere. Our avoirdupois warden is rubbing his pudgy hands in glee, expounding on the killin' he'll be a-doin', just as soon as the sun comes up. He'd also like to comment that King Bohunk "sure has a pretty mouth." I'm sure he knows that already, Fat Bastard. You can't command a top-notch military team like the Knights of Basil without a luscious, pouty smile; it's against all the rules for competent military governance.

Squeal! Squeal like a pig, boy!

A guard pipes up, saying that Fat Bastard promised he would leave poor King Bohunk alive, and of course Fat Bastard does not intend to do any such thing. I almost typed "any suck thing", adding a whole new level of wrong to the proceedings. Fat Bastard goads King Bohunk a little bit, only to get a haughty reply in turn. Oh…playing hard to get? Well, no matter. It's a sure thing that "those guys from Bale" will show up to save their king, Fat Bastard exposits, in case we missed the thrilling break-in from a minute or so ago. I'm surprised the in-game soundtrack isn't ringing with "I'll save you, sweet prince!" echoing up the prison walls by now. It certainly would be an improvement. I mean, really. If I have to listen to the music from The Wizard of OZ again, I want flying monkeys to go with it. Monkeys, dammit!

King Bohunk whines that he didn't know that the dastardly villains were going to be -- horrors! -- dishonorable and stuff, he thought for sure that His Grace His Majesty His Imperial Lordship the Emperor Doel would uphold his end of the deal. Kingy-poo, it's a wonder you've made for as long as you have. Don't you know that you can't just go around showing off your long pole and expecting people to be impressed? It's not all maidens fair and rainbows in the cut-throat business of world domination, you ninny, it's kill or be killed! And, I have to tell you, after Fat Bastard gets his greasy mitts on your sweet self; you're going to wish for the latter. Nobody wants hot lovin' from a man whose breath smells like barbecue sauce and stale beer. Remember that, boys and girls, in your next dating encounter.

And he thinks you're sexy, Kingy.

Another guard puts an end to our suspense as he runs in to announce that "[Sergeant Pepper] and a guy in red" are on their way to do some righteous ass-whuppin' and save King Bohunk. Boy, it's just one shocking surprise after another around here. King Bohunk's ears immediately prick up when he hears his knight in shining karma has come to rescue him, but Fat Bastard doesn't seem to mind at all that his enemies have succeeded in a boneheaded break-in with all the subtlety of a chainsaw. He reiterates that King Bohunk won't have to worry about putting on a brave show for the boys once they arrive, since he's going to be dead at sunrise. All we need now is for Fat Bastard to say, "Goodnight, King Bohunk, I'll most likely kill you in the morning," and this moment will be complete.

Now it's time for me to choose a rescue party. Of course, the game designers hate me, inflicting Shana on me about as much as they like inflicting her on poor Red Cloud, so she's the default third party member. I take the opportunity to hit them with a Bong Breakage charm while I thumb over to choose Rose. Upon entering the main prison tower complex Red Cloud is confronted with a guard who sounds like his Triple Death Jalapeno Chili-Burger Super Combo lunch is taking its revenge on him, one painful gas bubble at a time. This, of course, makes him grumpy, and he proclaims that Red Cloud, Senior and Mrs. Red Cloud did not have the benefit of a wedding before spawning L'il Red Cloud. Really, dude, is that the worst you can do? Rose kicks the guy's ass and we continue on our merry way into the nearby room, where Mr. Merchant and a save point await us. Mr. Merchant expresses surprise and alarm at seeing Red Cloud again, but still has the presence of mind to make his sales pitch. I save my game, stock up, and leave. Sunrise comes early at this time of year, and I don't want King Bohunk to be left out on those chilly stones. The poor boy might catch his death of cold, which would make this whole thing an exercise in futility, not that that's ever stopped the writers before.

Red Cloud seems to have forgotten his class on Remedial Fortress Infiltration, since the stupid gob runs into every single guard he can possibly find. I'd blame it on my crap-ass hand-eye coordination, but it's much more fun (and fitting) to blame it Chief No Brain here. We do eventually make it over to the lift to the guard's area of the prison tower and go up. This section, like all areas of this stark and utilitarian incarceration center, is stuffed full of potions, magic spells and not-so-good armor, just in case a band of friends hell-bent on rescue happen to pop in for an impromptu jailbreak. Damn, have none of you evil baddies ever seen Supermax on The Learning Channel? They only play it four or five times a week, you know. Get a TIVO, hone your vocal comprehension skills and invest in some armor-piercing androids if you don't want your prisoners to skip right out the front door, thus ruining your evil world domination plan. No? You'd rather rely on the white-haired bishie with a big sword? Suit yourself, evil baddies. I'm betting that the armor-piercing androids are cheaper, since the hair-care products alone are going to run you the GDP of a wealthy shire or two. Paul Sebastian products don't come cheap, and all those beautiful platinum locks need moisturizing hot oil sometimes. Otherwise, your hair simply will not flow in the wind properly as you put an entire city to rout and waste its leaders in stabbity slaughter. Why, it's enough to make a self-respecting bad guy rend his second-best silver encrusted doublet in shame!

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